“Wish you’d stayed on campus yet?” He asked, peering down at me with a sad look on his eyes.
“No.”
With a sigh, he turned his face towards the sky. “There’s still time.”
***
After we ate, their mom, who’s name was Lauren, led me to the guest room. It was across from Thea’s room and down the hall from Cade’s. I was thankful that they were near.
The room was decorated in soft blues and purples. It was peaceful and nicer than most hotels. It even had a bathroom attached.
I sat my duffel bag on the chair in the corner and looked around.
I was startled when there was a knock on the door.
I went and opened it and found Cade standing there. He pushed his way inside and sat on the bed. I closed the door once more, wondering why he was here, since I’d literally just been with him.
“Is everything okay?” I asked quizzically and sat down beside him.
He sighed and lay back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. “Nothing is okay when I’m here.”
“What do you mean?” I lay beside him.
He turned his head away from the ceiling to face me. “You’ll see soon enough,” he muttered. “I hated the thought of you staying on campus by yourself,” he added, “but now that you’re here…I’m sorry. I’m going to try to make this weekend good for you, but…” He trailed off.
I wondered what had happened to the Cade who had joked about a Harry Potter marathon. He clearly didn’t want to be here.
“Don’t worry about me,” I assured him. “This weekend will be fine.”
“I hope so,” he sighed. “My dad called me before we left campus—” I figured that was where this sudden mood of his had come from. “—and he was being an asshole. I almost told you to stay behind so that you wouldn’t have to deal with this shit.” He reached up and swiped his fingers over my cheek and into my hair. “But then, because I’m a selfish prick, I decided that I could get through the next four days so much easier if you were by my side.”
“Cade,” I sat up and my long hair fell forward, tickling his chest, “I’m glad I’m here. Especially if I can make things easier for you.”
“You’re too good for me.” His voice was soft and his fingers brushed over my lips. That familiar hum invaded my body.
I laughed self-deprecatingly. “Cade, I think it’s you that’s too good for me.” It was the truth too. He was…he was real. Genuine. He was one of the few guys in the world that wasn’t afraid to express who he was. There were no false pretenses with Cade. It was surprising really, considering his ‘type’. I’d stereotyped him at first, Thea too, so shame on me. They were two of the most kind and giving people I’d ever met.
He sat up, leaning over me. The movement caused his long-sleeved black t-shirt to pull taut over his chest. “I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.” His head lowered and my heart stopped.
He was going to kiss me.
This time it was really going to happen.
I closed my eyes, startling when I felt the lightest of touches and my heart thumped madly, but when I opened my eyes it was his fingers I’d felt.
Without a word he eased off the bed and slipped out the door, leaving me alone to sort out my now muddled thoughts.
***
Hours later I was seated in the family room of the house with Thea and Cade. I had yet to meet their dad and their mom was in the kitchen making dinner—as well as getting a head start on making dishes for tomorrow’s Thanksgiving dinner.
I’d offered to help, but she’d insisted that the three of us relax. I felt bad watching her bustle around her kitchen alone, muttering under her breath about this and that.
Cade turned the TV on and flipped through the channels. He didn’t appear to be paying attention and I had the feeling he wanted to fill the silent space with noise as well as occupy his restless fingers.
I kept eyeing the large framed photo of the family hanging above the mantle of the fireplace.
Mom. Dad. Three children.
Three.
But I only knew of two.
Cade sat beside me on the couch with a modest amount of space between us. Thea sat in the leather armchair with her legs thrown over the arm, flipping through the pages of a magazine.
“Cade?” I questioned, my voice hushed.
“Yeah.” He didn’t look at me.
I was seeing a whole new side of Cade today—one who was distant and unhappy, except when he’d come into the guestroom earlier. I didn’t like seeing him like this, but it gave me an idea of what he dealt with from me. It made me wonder why he bothered with me at all.
“That picture—”
“What about it?” He growled, brows drawn tight.
I was tempted to let it drop, because he clearly didn’t want to talk about it, but something made me persist.
“Who’s the little boy?” I asked, bracing myself for his reaction. I knew how much I hated it when people pried into my business, so I was prepared for him to tell me to fuck off. I wouldn’t be angry if he did. I’d understand.
His eyes closed and his face screwed up as if he was in pain.
“Come with me.” When he looked at me my throat closed up at the sadness I saw in his eyes.
He took my hand and dragged me upstairs, down the hall, and into the room I knew was his.
I took a moment to look around at the décor—trying to get to know Cade a little more.
The walls were painted green and the furniture was a dark cherry color. Bookcases lined one wall, and they were indeed covered in books with the odd trophy sitting on a shelf here and there. A desk sat in the corner with a Macbook. It was clean. Sparse. Almost like Cade had cleared most of his possessions out—at least the ones he could easily take to college.
“I should’ve explained to you about Gabe sooner, but…it’s not something I like to talk about.” He sat down on the end of his bed, scrubbing the palms of his hands on his jeans.
“I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me.” I started to back out of the room, my hand on the knob of the closed door.
He shook his head. “No, you deserve to know. It’s why my mom’s so…well, you know and why my dad’s an ass. Sit,” he nodded his head towards a chair in the corner. “Get comfortable.”
It didn’t escape my notice that he was putting space between us.
He ran his fingers through his hair, making it stick up in random directions.
He looked to the ceiling and let out a breath. “We were on vacation and Thea wanted all of us to go horseback riding. I was fifteen, Thea was eleven, and Gabe was eight. My parent’s arranged for us to go on this trail ride, all five of us. My dad and I were up front with the guide, while the others hung back. Gabe was nervous and didn’t really like it so my mom had to keep coaxing him along.” Cade paused, clenching his jaw. “The horse got spooked, reared back, and sent Gabe flying.” I watched with shock on my face as a tear coursed down Cade’s cheek, getting lost in the stubble. “When he landed he broke his neck and fractured his skull on a rock. He was paralyzed instantly and then bled out.” He swallowed thickly. “He was just…gone.”
Cade looked away and out the window. His shoulders were slumped, like the burden of his memories was too much to bear.
“Nothing was ever the same after that,” he whispered, his voice gruff with barely contained tears.
My eyes closed and my body shuddered. How often had I said the exact same thing?
I knew all about how one moment could haunt you for the rest of your life. How it consumed you and every facet of your life.
Cade wasn’t paying attention as I eased from the chair and came to sit down beside him. I placed my shaking hand on his forearm and felt how taut the muscle was pulled. For once I was more concerned about someone else’s pain than my own.
He slowly moved his gaze from the window to me. Strands of hair fell forward to hide his eyes. As if it was second nature to me I reached up and pushed the
hair away, but left my fingers tangled in it.
“I know exactly how you feel,” I whispered, the confession falling off my lips easily.
“Do you?” He didn’t say the words harshly like someone else might would. His voice was soft, curious.
“Yes,” I nodded, my body shuddering with a breath.
“Tell me,” he pleaded. His voice lowered as his hand sought mine.
“I…I don’t know if I can.” I squished my eyes closed from the onslaught of memories. The squeal of tires. The blood. It was all so horrible.
“Please, Rae.” He reached up, cupping my neck in one hand. My breath faltered at his touch. It shouldn’t have felt so good to have him touching me. It should’ve been wrong, but it was so undeniably right. “Tell me.” His lips grazed my chin. “Let me in. You can trust me.”
I pulled away from his touch like it had burned me. I paced his room restlessly, my hands wringing together. Could I do this? Could I really tell him the truth? My stomach rolled at the thought. I was terrified of what the truth might do to us—as if there was actually an us.
He sat quietly, waiting for me to sort out my racing thoughts.
My hands fisted at my sides. “I don’t know if I can.” I wiped a hand over my forehead.
Cade didn’t reply. He just sat watching me. Waiting.
Finally, I sat down once more in the chair I had previously occupied.
If Cade could tell me about his brother—and I’d witnessed how painful that was for him—then I could do this. I wasn’t going to tell him because I felt like I owed him. No, I was telling him because he deserved to know the truth. I couldn’t keep dragging out this strange, twisted relationship between us if he didn’t know the truth about me.
I took a deep breath and braced myself. “It happened last summer, a few days before my senior year of high school started…” I tapped my fingers against my jean-clad knees. The words were hard to push out of my throat. I knew Cade wouldn’t want anything to do with me after I told him. Hell, I didn’t want anything to do with me. But it’s kind of hard to abandon yourself.
“The top was down on my car and the breeze tickled my face.” I closed my eyes and it was like I was back there in that car with Brett, Hannah, and Sarah. “The sun was warm and we were laughing. We were on our way home from the mall. Brett was grumbling about all the time us girls had wasted at the mall when we could’ve been at the lake. But I knew he was only joking. Brett loved me and he was more than happy to tagalong.” I wrung my hands together. “I remember hearing Sarah say she loved the song playing on the radio, so I turned it up and we all started singing along. We were just…having fun.”
Tears coursed down my cheeks now as I got to the bad part. The part where I made one decision that forever changed my life and took the lives of three others.
“I got a text message and like a fucking idiot I picked up my phone to read it. You know what it said?” I didn’t bother to wait for his response. “It said, ‘Hey, is this Bill?’” I laughed humorlessly. “They had the wrong fucking number. It was nothing important. Although, no text is important enough to take your eyes off the road, because a second…that’s all it took for me to lose control of the car. I was going around a turn and the car flipped twice before hitting a tree.”
I shuddered at my re-telling. I’d never told anyone everything. I didn’t want to talk about it. But I wanted Cade to know. He deserved to know the truth. That I was a monster.
I squeezed my eyes shut as I was transported back to that day in the car.
I looked down at the text message on my phone. It was clearly a wrong number and not worth my time.
I went to put it back in the cup holder where it had been sitting before, when I heard Sarah scream, “Rachael! Look out!”
I looked up to see that I’d drifted off the road. I jerked the wheel, trying to get back in my lane. But I turned the wheel too hard and lost control.
Everything happened so fast.
Screaming.
The tearing of metal.
The burnt oily smell of tires.
My body jolted roughly and something slammed into my abdomen. I tasted blood on my tongue like old pennies.
I tried to move, but everything hurt.
“B-Brett?” I choked on the blood coating my mouth.
Nothing.
I closed my eyes, wiggling my fingers and toes just to see if I could. When they moved I breathed a sigh of relief.
Despite the pain I forced myself to turn and look.
“Brett?” My voice caught on a scream. “Oh my God!” Blood coated his face and his body was dotted with shards of glass from the windshield. His eyes stared blankly at me.
I was going to be sick.
“Brett,” I sobbed, praying that he’d blink or move his fingers. Something. But there was nothing. He was gone.
“S-Sarah? Hannah?” I couldn’t turn around to see them and I was starting to panic. I looked into the rearview mirror, hoping I would find them alive.
I saw Hannah slumped over and bloody. She wasn’t moving.
And Sarah…it was like she wasn’t in the car at all.
Despite the searing pain in my abdomen I leaned over the door and looked out towards the road. Maybe I’d passed out and she was okay. Maybe she’d gotten out to get help. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I couldn’t see her anywhere, but I saw something behind the car lying on the ground. I squinted my eyes, hoping to see more clearly.
My hand shot to my mouth as I sobbed.
Sarah lay on the road behind the car, broken, mangled, and bloody. Her neck lay at an unnatural angle—as did her arms and legs. She reminded me of a broken doll. So…shattered.
“Oh God,” I choked, trying to force air into my lungs. She must not have worn her seatbelt and I hadn’t noticed.
Tears coursed down my cheeks.
I’d done this.
I’d killed them.
I glanced down then and noticed the chunk of glass lodged into my abdomen. Blood coated my shirt and legs. I’d never seen so much blood before.
My adrenaline was fading and my eyes drifted closed.
I knew I wasn’t strong enough to live through this.
Sirens rang in the distance, but I knew—I hoped—they’d be too late.
My body shuddered all over as I relived those horrible moments in the car.
“I-I never told my mom and dad, but I woke up in the car. When I realized what had happened I tried to check on the others. Brett…oh God,” I sobbed, “there was so much blood and his eyes were blank and I knew he was gone. I tried to check on Hannah and Sarah. I saw Sarah lying on the side of the road. Her body…it was so mangled. It was horrible. And Hannah…she was gone too. I passed out at that point, from blood loss.” My hand absentmindedly stroked the gash on my abdomen. “They said I was lucky, but there’s nothing lucky about living when you kill your friends.”
“You didn’t kill them, Rae.” He spoke softly, like he was afraid if he raised his voice to a normal level I’d be scared away.
I snorted. “Um, I’m pretty sure they’re dead and I was driving so that makes it my fault. I killed them just as surely as if I held a knife to their throat. They’re never going to graduate high school, college, get married, have kids. Their lives are over.” I slashed my hands through the air. “And I’m still living mine. It isn’t right.”
Cade stood and stalked towards me slowly.
He reached up and cupped my cheek. I flinched, ready to back away, but he grasped my neck to hold me in place.
“Don’t you dare try to run from me,” he growled lowly.
“I’m a monster.”
I tried to hide my face from him, but then the fingers of his free hand were on my chin forcing my head up.
“You’re not a monster, Rachael.”
I swallowed thickly. Rachael. He called me Rachael. It was the first time he’d ever said my whole name.
“Things like that happen. It’s awful and it was wrong,
I’m not denying that, but you can’t beat yourself up for the rest of your life.” The hand at the nape of my neck curled into my long hair. His forehead lowered so that it was pressed against mine. “You have to move on and live your life for the people that can’t. Your friends would want that for you.”
“Why would they?” I countered.
“If you were the one that had died, would you want one of them or all of them to feel as guilty as you do? To weigh themselves down with this unnecessary burden?”
No one had ever asked me that before. I pondered over his words. “No, I wouldn’t want that.”
“See, that wasn’t so hard to admit now was it?” He smiled and butterflies assaulted my stomach. I used to think that Brett’s smile left me breathless. But Cade’s? It twisted my world around so that I wasn’t sure which way was right side up. “Thank you for sharing that with me, Rae,” his eyes flicked to my lips and back up, “I know that was hard for you.”
It had been. In fact, I was sort of still in a daze that I’d actually told him—that he knew, and…and he wasn’t looking at me differently.
“It was,” I confirmed, my pulse jumping in my throat.
“And Rae?” He lowered his head so his lips grazed my ear. My breath faltered and he chuckled. “This changes nothing.”
seventeen
It wasn’t until the next evening when we sat down for dinner that I finally met Cade’s father.
He’d stayed mysteriously hidden.
Sitting at the head of the table he glowered at all of us.
I kept my head ducked to avoid his searing gaze. His eyes were blue like Cade’s, but lighter like they were leached of color. Of happiness. Something about him reminded me of the creep who’d cornered me at the club. I knew, without this man saying a word, that I didn’t like him.
One word kept echoing through my skull whenever I spared a glance in the man’s direction.
Danger.
Malcolm Montgomery was not a nice man. That much was obvious.
I wondered now if the siblings had truly wanted me to spend Thanksgiving with them because they didn’t want me to be alone, or if they’d invited me along as a buffer.
Rae of Sunshine Page 15
