With that declaration she moved to another table.
I swiveled to look at Cade. “You did that on purpose to get her to leave.”
“Maybe I did,” he shrugged, picking up the apple from his tray and taking a bite. “I wanted to enjoy breakfast with my girlfriend.”
Girlfriend.
Cade had said that word a lot this morning. It was like he enjoyed saying it, which blew my mind. Wasn’t the guy supposed to be the hesitant one in the relationship, not the girl?
As if he couldn’t control himself, he leaned over and kissed my forehead. My eyes closed and a soft breath passed between my lips at the gesture.
“Oh, I wanted to talk to you about something,” he started, taking another bite of apple. Once he’d swallowed, he continued. “Some of the guys on the football team are throwing a party. They share a house off campus and I’m supposed to go, and I want you to come with me.”
“Uh…” A party at a bunch of football players house didn’t sound like my cup of tea, but Cade was giving me that puppy-eyed look and it was hard to resist. “When is it?”
“Friday,” he answered.
I didn’t want to go, but I knew I needed to. Rachael wouldn’t have hesitated to go. Besides, I’d be with Cade and that would make it worth it.
“I’ll go,” I replied, hoping I didn’t regret this decision.
Cade smiled like I’d given him the best present ever. “Thank you.”
“Do I need to dress up?” I asked.
“No, it’s a casual thing, but I’m sure there will be some…barely dressed women there seeking attention.”
“Oh,” I laughed, “so I’m not an attention seeker?”
“Definitely not,” he replied, leaning in close and nuzzling his face against my neck, “and that’s a good thing.”
I pulled away reluctantly and looked at my phone, sighing. “I’ve got to head to class and I need to call my mom. I’ll see you later.” I leaned over to kiss his cheek, but he moved his head at the last second so my lips collided with his. He deepened the kiss, drawing me close, and I was pretty sure someone whistled in the dining hall.
Breathless, he pulled away. “See you later.”
Damn him. My legs were shaking now and he knew it. I grabbed my bag and tossed my trash. When I reached the door to exit I couldn’t help turning back and peeking at him. Cade watched me with his arm slung over the chair I’d just vacated. He smiled when he caught my gaze and my stomach fluttered.
I finally tore my eyes away from his, knowing my cheeks were now colored a light shade of pink, and pushed the door open.
The air was cold and I immediately zipped up my jacket. I pulled my phone from the pocket and rang my mom.
She answered on the first ring, and that made me feel bad. How often did the woman sit around hoping I’d be a good daughter and call home?
“Rachael? How are you?” She rattled.
“I’m good.” I reached up, catching a strand of hair that wanted to blow into my mouth. “School keeps me busy.”
“Of course,” she agreed. “I’m glad you called. We miss you. I really wish you had come home for Thanksgiving. Surely you’ll be home for Christmas?”
I winced, scrubbing my free hand over my face. “Um, I’m not sure yet, mom. I’ll keep you posted,” I lied.
“Your dad and I were thinking about driving down there one weekend. A few hours in the car won’t kill us and we want to see you. We could stay for a weekend…”
I didn’t know what to say, so I settled on, “Whatever you want.” Before she could continue I interrupted with, “So, I called because…” My throat closed up and I wasn’t sure I could get the next words passed my lips. I’d contemplated this a lot, and I was sure of my decision, but that didn’t make it any easier to confess.
“What is it?” She asked, sounding hesitant. “You’re not pregnant are you?”
I snorted. “No, mom.”
“Sorry,” she laughed. “I had to ask. These things happen, and you’re a good girl, but even good girls do stupid things.”
Yeah, I guessed she was right about that. And I’d already made one stupid decision by looking at that text message instead of driving my car like I was supposed to.
I sighed, knowing I needed to get back to the reason I called in the first place. “I called you because I’ve decided that it’s time I saw a therapist again. I know Dr. Snyder gave you a list of recommendations for people in the area. I was hoping you could email it to me.” Dr. Snyder had been my therapist at home. I’d never thought he did me much good, but I thought it was worth trying again, especially since he’d been so disappointed that I refused to continue treatment with a new doctor when I went to college. He’d said I needed more time to talk to someone and work out my issues. I was thinking he was right.
My mom was quiet on the other end. So quiet that I thought maybe the call had been disconnected.
“Mom?” I asked.
“Sorry,” she replied, “you surprised me.”
It was pretty sad that the fact that I wanted to see a therapist again surprised my mom. Had she come to the conclusion that I’d always be fucked up? Had my own mom given up on me?
“I think it’s great that you’re ready to talk to someone again,” she continued. “How about I call the people he recommended and see if I can find a good fit for you? I know you’re busy with class and I’d like to do something for you.”
I reached the building where my class was located and leaned against the stone exterior. Nova passed me and smiled, throwing up her hand in acknowledgement before disappearing into the building.
“That would be great mom,” I told her. “Thank you.”
“Anything for you, Rachael.” She began to sniffle, the sound of my mom’s tears breaking my heart. “I just want to see you happy again.”
I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. It was all too easy to get caught up in the hell I’d been living in, and forget that the people around me were suffering too.
“I love you, mom,” I finally said.
“Love you too, sweetie.” The call ended and I stood there for a moment, breathing in slowly.
I hated to think about how much I’d broken my parents with what I’d done and how I handled the situation.
I never meant to hurt them, but I did.
I really hoped seeing a therapist would help fix things.
Maybe soon, I’d be ready to go home and face all my fears—close the book on this chapter of my life and start anew.
twenty-two
“Where are you going?” Thea looked me up and down. “That doesn’t look like something you wear for a night in with your roommate,” she joked, sitting on her bed cross-legged. She was already dressed in her pajamas. Her iPad was propped on the bed and I figured the second I was gone she’d be on Netflix. Apparently she was addicted to Gossip Girl and had a crush on someone named Chuck Bass. According to her, I was missing out on greatness.
“Your brother asked me to go to a party with him.” I straightened the shirt I wore.
“I wasn’t invited? That isn’t fair,” she pouted.
I shrugged. “Sorry.”
“Whatever. Chuck is waiting and he’s so much more exiting than a party.”
Somehow I didn’t believe her, but in all honesty I would rather stay in than go to this party. I was going to be surrounded by Huntley University’s finest, people I didn’t know, and that gave me major anxiety since I was no social butterfly.
“Well, if there’s another party, I’ll make sure you can come.” I added to appease her.
“Yeah, so I can feel like the third wheel,” she grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. “This past week has made me wonder why I wanted you guys to date. All the kissing is grossing me out.”
I laughed, smoothing my hair back into a ponytail. “I’m sorry. I’ll tell Cade to tone it down.”
“Don’t tell him anything,” she warned. “It’ll just make him kiss you more to gross me out.
Brother’s are assholes like that.”
I finished my makeup and sat down beside her on her bed, since I still had some time before Cade was due to arrive.
“So, what’s going on with you and Xander?” I’d asked her the same thing before, but I felt like we were better friends now and she might tell me more.
She shrugged. “Honestly, like I told you, nothing. I like him,” she shrugged, “and I think he likes me, but neither of us has made a move. Besides, I’m kind of over him. There’s this one guy in my English class that I really like and he seems interested.”
I eyed her. “Thea.”
“What? Why are you saying my name like that? I feel like I’m in trouble,” she frowned.
“If you like Xander you should go for it.”
She sighed. “We’ve been friends since we were kids, so that makes it weird, but he’s also Cade’s best friend which makes it complicated. I don’t need that kind of drama in my life. Besides, I don’t want to end up on 48 Hours when Cade kills us for…canoodling,” she supplied, and we both dissolved into laughter.
I decided to let the topic of Xander drop. “Okay, so who’s this new guy you like?”
Her cheeks flushed and I figured that was a good sign. “His name is Trevor and he’s really nice.”
“Trevor and really nice? That’s all you’ve got?” I laughed. “Come on, give me more than that.” I gasped, and grabbed her hand. “This isn’t skinny jeans guy is it?”
“What?” She laughed. “No! Besides, like I said, I’m pretty sure Cade scared him away from ever talking to me again. It’s okay, though. He was kind of odd and those jeans were a turn off.”
“So, are you going on a date with Trevor?”
I marveled at how easy our conversation was. It was so normal and easy. Two girls discussing guys and dates. I never thought this would be my life again.
“Tomorrow actually,” she admitted.
“Tomorrow?! And you didn’t tell me?! Thea!” I shrieked, probably disturbing the girls in the room beside us.
“What?” She shrugged. “You didn’t tell me about the party.”
I frowned. “That was an accident, truly. To be honest, I don’t even want to go, so that’s why I didn’t say anything.”
Her face softened. “You’re forgiven.”
A knock sounded at our door. Thea shook her head. “That’ll be my brother. No doubt he’s sweet-talked yet another girl into letting him into the dorm. I swear, all he has to do his bat his eyes and they turn to goo. It’s annoying.” Reaching her arms out to hug me, just as there was another knock, she added, “Have fun, and call me if you’re not coming back to the dorm. I don’t want to worry.”
“I will,” I assured her, hugging her back.
A third knock sounded and I hollered, “I’m coming.” To Thea I rolled my eyes and muttered, “He’s so impatient.”
I opened the door and found the reason for his incessant knocking. A girl that lived on our floor, I think her name was Jessica, was hanging onto his arm and talking his ear off.
“Sorry,” I apologized, slipping out the door.
“Thank God,” he muttered under his breath, taking my hand.
“Bye, Cade!” The girl called.
“Bye, Jessa,” he groaned.
I poked his side. “I’m pretty sure it’s Jessica.”
“Jessica! I meant Jessica!” He yelled back as we started down the stairs. I couldn’t help laughing. “She wouldn’t shut up,” he hissed to me, “and honestly, the talking was tolerable compared to how she kept feeling up my muscles. I was getting afraid that she might get adventurous and grab my junk.”
“Oh, that would’ve been interesting.” I laughed, picturing Cade getting mauled by the girls on my floor.
“Seriously,” he flailed dramatically, “the girl’s hands were relentless and it’s not like I could forcibly remove her.”
“Hey, you don’t need to feel bad about it. I mean, I can’t blame her,” I winked. “Who wouldn’t want to feel you up?” I asked playfully.
He laughed. “Apparently you.”
I blushed at that and ducked my head. If only he knew how little experience I had in that department he wouldn’t make jokes so lightly.
Cade held open the door for me and we strode out into the frigid night air. The sky was dark and cloudy, barely any stars shining.
“This way,” he took my hand, leading me to his Jeep. “I couldn’t find a parking spot close.”
“How long do we have to stay?” I asked, my nerves skyrocketing as I realized I was about to attend my first real college party. It was already nine and I figured these things ran late. I felt like such a grandma for not even wanting to go in the first place. I’d rather hang out with Cade in his dorm or with Thea.
Cade shrugged. “An hour or two. If you absolutely hate it, then say so and we’ll leave sooner.”
He could read me so well it was scary at times.
I climbed into the Jeep, trying to think calming thoughts. My nerves raced and my palms grew sweaty. These were Cade’s teammates I’d be meeting and their opinion of me mattered. I didn’t want them to think I was some weird freshman just trying to finagle my way into the ‘in’ crowd.
“Your hands are shaking,” he commented, turning up the radio.
I tucked them under my legs. “Sorry, I’m nervous.”
“Don’t be nervous.” He rested one hand lazily on my knee, looking over his shoulder to back out of the parking space. “It’s just a small party.”
Small, I repeated to myself. I could handle small.
***
“Small?! You call this small?!” I shrieked, sinking my hands into the fabric of the Jeep’s seat. I stared at all the cars lining the street and the large amount of people hanging around outside despite the cold.
Cade shrugged sheepishly. “I may have underestimated the size.”
I felt like I was suffocating. Was this what a panic attack felt like? Oh God.
I clutched at my chest, dragging air into my feeble lungs.
“Rae?” He questioned. “Are you okay?”
“Give me a minute,” I pleaded.
Even Rachael would’ve had trouble with a party this size, so Rae was in full on freak out mode.
What the hell had I gotten myself into?
I wanted to climb in the back and hide beneath the seat.
“It won’t be that bad,” Cade said soothingly. “I’ll be by your side the whole time. There’s nothing to worry about. It’ll be fine.”
I chewed worriedly on my fingernail.
“We won’t stay long, I promise, but I have to show up or the guys will give me hell.” He took one of my hands in his, rubbing it soothingly. “Whatever you’re imagining I promise it’s not like that.”
He was making an awful lot of promises I was afraid he wouldn’t be able to keep.
I looked at the house and back to him. “Okay.”
If I didn’t get out of this car now, I never would, and I think Cade sensed that because at my word he was out of the car and at my side in only a few seconds.
“Breathe,” he told me, pulling me against his side.
Breathe? What was breathing?
Oh, yeah. That thing where you forced air in and out of your lungs.
Cade’s hold on my hand was tight as we slithered between cars and up to the front door. The people milling around outside didn’t seem to be paying us any attention. They were too busy smoking something that was definitely not a cigarette.
Cade didn’t bother to wait for anyone to come to the door. He just reached out, took the knob in his hand and twisted it.
I immediately wanted to slap my hands over my ears from the deafening sound of the music playing. The rumble of so many voices didn’t help my ears to feel any better. I realized as soon as the door closed behind us that there was no way Cade and I were going to hear a word the other said.
Cade pushed through the throng of people crowding the entryway, heading towards t
he back of the house. I could see the kitchen and figured that was his destination. I held tightly to his hand, afraid if I let go that I would be sucked into a black hole and lost forever.
He looked back at me and seemed to sense my fright, so he drew me closer to his body until I felt like I was glued to his side.
“Hey, Cade,” someone I couldn’t see called.
Then a chorus of, “Hi, Cade,” and “Hey, Cade,” started up.
He nodded, not really acknowledging a specific individual.
We finally made it to the kitchen and it was as packed as the living room and dining room we’d come from.
“Want anything to drink?” He asked me.
“Just water,” I squeaked, lowering my eyes to the ground to avoid the stares of the people around us. And no, I wasn’t paranoid, because they were definitely staring.
“What? Hanging out with jailbait, Montgomery?” A male voice from the corner of the kitchen called out. I looked up, locating him immediately. He was a monster of a guy, taller and wider than Cade with black wavy hair falling messily into his eyes. He was smiling, but there was something off about it.
“Shut up, Eric,” Cade growled.
The guy named Eric chuckled, draping his arm around the shoulder of a blonde that looked like her boobs were about to pop out and say hello to all of us. “Ooh, someone’s testy.”
“Ignore him,” Cade mumbled under his breath to me. “That’s what I try to do.”
Try being the keyword there.
“Don’t worry, beautiful,” Eric turned his gaze towards me, “I don’t bite.”
I stepped closer to Cade. I felt like at this point I was practically trying to climb him to get away from these people.
I suddenly wished I had my camera so I could hide behind its protective lens.
“Don’t talk to her,” Cade defended, moving his body in front of mine.
I might not have liked the guy, but I didn’t need Cade to get all Alpha male defensive on me.
I moved so that I stood beside him once more. Eric glared at Cade, taking a few steps forward around the kitchen island that separated us. The blonde moved with him, his arm was still draped over her shoulders and every little bit he brushed his fingers over her breast. “What’s your name, sweetheart?” He asked me, ignoring Cade’s threatening glare. He smiled once more and I still found it threatening.
Rae of Sunshine Page 20
