Rae of Sunshine

by Micalea Smeltzer

  “You guess?” She repeated.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumbled. I didn’t know this woman, not yet, and no matter how kind she might look with her warm brown eyes and sweet smile she was still a stranger.

  “That’s fine. Why don’t we spend this session getting to know each other?” She suggested.

  “Excuse me?” I replied, my brows rising. My last therapist had made it very obvious that he was the doctor and I was the patient. But this woman was different.

  “I think we should get to know each other,” she repeated. Sliding forward in her seat she peered at me. “I’m here to help you, Rae, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

  “Friends?” I snorted.

  She smiled. “Yes, friends. I’m not your enemy. I want you to get better as much as you want to get better.”

  “How do you know I want to get better?” I countered, looking around the room at the framed photos and memorabilia. It looked like she was married to a nice man with two children. She had a lot of books and not all of them were medical books. Many were fiction. I even saw a set of Harry Potter books, which made me smile as I thought of Cade.

  “If you didn’t want to get better you wouldn’t be here,” she replied easily.

  “What do you want to know about me?” I asked.

  She smiled. “I think maybe you should ask me that first.”

  “Why?” My brows furrowed together.

  She smiled, crossing her legs. “Because, I want you to see that I’m not here to analyze you.”

  I wanted to snort at that, but I kept myself in check. “Okay then…what are your kids names?” I pointed at one of the framed photos.

  “Tessa and Tyler,” she replied. “We adopted them.”

  “You couldn’t have kids?” I asked, and then promptly felt bad for asking. It wasn’t proper of me to pry and I wasn’t sure quite how far I could take this question thing.

  “Sadly, I couldn’t,” she frowned, her eyes growing distant. “But I love those two as much as if they were my own flesh and blood. They’re my miracles.” I could see the love she was talking about as she spoke. “You’re in college, correct?” She asked. At my nod, she continued. “What are you studying?”

  “Photography,” I answered, my thundering heart slowing to a dull roar.

  “Photography?” She repeated. “Wow. I’d love to see some of your photos sometime.”

  “I could bring some next time,” I mumbled.

  “That would be great,” she clapped her hands together. “I always did have such an appreciation for the arts. I played the violin as a child.”

  The rest of the session went much the same way. She wanted me to come back on Monday after classes, and something told me that she’d be ready to get down to the gritty stuff. I hoped I was ready.

  ***

  “Rae, wait up!”

  I stopped at the sound of my name being called. Snow flurries fluttered around me, sticking to my lashes. I was glad I’d worn a beanie and scarf, even though the weather hadn’t called for more snow.

  Cade jogged up to me, his breath fogging the air with each exhale. “I’ve been looking all over for you. You didn’t answer your phone and Thea said you left early this morning and didn’t say where you were going. I was worried your head was bothering you and you’d gone back to the hospital.”

  “My head’s fine,” I assured him.

  “I’m glad to hear that.” He blew into the palms of his hands to warm them. “Where’d you go?”

  I looked away, toeing the ground. I’d expected him to ask, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell him. I couldn’t lie though. Lying would only make my problems worse.

  “I went to see a therapist.” I looked into his eyes, waiting to see if he reacted in any way.

  He smiled. “That’s great, Rae. I think that will be good for you.”

  That definitely wasn’t the reaction I’d expected. Most people, when you told them you were seeing a therapist, replied with, “A therapist? Like a shrink? Are you crazy or something?”

  I should’ve known Cade wouldn’t react that way. He never did what I expected him to. He was constantly surprising me and in the best ways possible.

  “Thanks, I hope so.” I reached up, grabbing a strand of hair that stuck to the gloss coating my lips.

  Dropping the subject from my therapy session, he asked, “Are you hungry? I thought we could go out for lunch?” He rubbed his hand around his stomach absentmindedly.

  Now that he mentioned it I was starving. In my haste to get to the therapist’s office I’d forgone breakfast.

  “Lunch would be great,” I smiled.

  “I know it might be too soon,” he rocked back on his heels, “but do you think you’d be up to meeting some of the guys on the team afterwards? I’m supposed to meet them at the gym at one. Eric won’t be there,” he hastened to add.

  “Uh…” I paused, thinking. “That would be fine.”

  He grinned and the dimples in his cheeks popped out. “They’re going to love you, Rae.”

  I hoped so. The last thing I wanted was to be known as the weird girl by the football team. But knowing me I’d do something stupid to make them hate me. Or Eric had gotten to them and told them some disastrous lie about me.

  “What’s with that face?” He chuckled, reaching out to guide my chin up so that I was eyelevel with him.

  “What if they hate me?” I frowned.

  He grinned crookedly and lowered his head so he could whisper in my ear. “I’m going to let you in on a secret, Rae. You’re impossible not to like.”

  I snorted at that. I disagreed completely with that statement. All I did was push people away.

  But then why do you have friends now? A little voice in my head piped up.

  “What? You think I’m lying?” He pushed strands of his hair from his eyes.

  I shrugged. “I’m not the nicest person.” Rachael had been nice. She loved everybody. Rae…not so much.

  Cade reached out, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. His fingers lingered longer than necessary against the skin of my cheek. “You’re nicer than you think you are. You’re way too hard on yourself.”

  Sadly, I felt like most times I wasn’t hard enough.

  “They’re going to love you,” he repeated. “Trust me.”

  Trust him? Didn’t he know I already did? I would’ve never told him about the accident if I didn’t. I trusted Cade in ways I’d never trusted another human being before.

  I reached out, grasped his jacket and stepped closer. I tilted my head back and peered up at him.

  His lips twisted into a smile. “What are you doing?”

  “Getting closer to you.”

  “Why?” He drew out the word.

  “So I can tell you that I trust you. You should know that, Cade.”

  His smile widened until it was almost blinding. His smile made my stomach flip. It was such an easy happy smile, despite the shitty things he’d been through. I wanted to smile like that again.

  He didn’t say anything in response. Instead he kissed me, and it was exactly what I needed.

  His lips were slow and gentle against mine. Even though it wasn’t a passion filled kiss where we were clawing at each other, I still felt it through my whole body. Slow could be good. Slow was sweet. Slow was perfect.

  When Cade pulled away he placed a gentle kiss on my nose, the snow swirling around us.

  It was a scene straight out of a fairytale, but I was no princess, and his kiss couldn’t save me.

  Only time could do that and my own desire to shed the pain that clung to me.

  Step One of healing had been telling Cade.

  Step Two, I knew without even discussing it with my therapist. I needed to accept the events of that day, and understand no matter what I believed I couldn’t change it.

  Step Three…well, that would be the hardest. I had to say goodbye to the people I lost. And goodbyes? Well, those were never easy.
<
br />   Cupping my cheek and stirring me from my thoughts, Cade asked, “Are you ready to get lunch or do you need to go to your dorm first?”

  “I can go now.”

  “Good, because I’m starving.”

  “This better not be the same restaurant you took me to for burgers before,” I warned, trying to hide my smile. “If I end up with food poisoning again then I might have to reconsider your status as my boyfriend.”

  He threw his back and laughed, causing quite a few people to turn and look at us. “You’re funny.”

  “No, Cade,” I tried to sound angry, “I’m dead serious.”

  “Don’t worry, Sunshine,” his hand found the small of my back, “we’re not going there.”

  “Thank God.” I was actually relieved. If he’d taken me to the same place I would’ve run away screaming. Food poisoning was no joke, even if you did have a hot football player to take care of you.

  He chuckled. “Did you really think I’d take you back there?”

  “Well, you seemed to like their burgers,” I shrugged.

  “I still feel bad about that,” he admitted with his lips twisting. “But I don’t regret getting to spend the next day with you. I don’t regret anything with you.”

  “Not even knocking me down?” I laughed, my hair blowing all around my face from the wind.

  He stopped walking and took my face in his large hands. “Definitely not that, because without that moment I might not have ever met you, and that would’ve been a real tragedy.”

  His words got me to thinking about how certain events in our lives lead to another and another. Take one of those events away and a whole new scenario would play out.

  If I hadn’t met Cade, I might never have been able to accept that I had to get better.

  That was pretty crazy to think about.

  We came to the Jeep and I clambered inside, curious as to where we were headed.

  Twenty minutes later and I still had no idea.

  He pulled in front of a Subway and I gave him an odd look. “Subway?”

  He chuckled, lowering his head. “Are you disappointed, Sunshine?”

  “Well, it’s better than that burger place,” I shrugged, ready to hop out of the massive Jeep.

  “Don’t worry, we’re not eating here…well, we’re getting our food here, and then we’re leaving.”

  “Leaving?” I questioned, raising a brow. “And going where?”

  “It’s a surprise.”

  Of course it was.

  With a sigh I headed for the sub place.

  It took us no time to get our food and drinks. Another five-minute drive and Cade exclaimed, “Here!”

  I didn’t know where here was. I looked around and all I saw was an empty field of grass.

  “What are we doing here? Isn’t it kind of cold to be outside?” I asked, afraid to leave the warmth the Jeep provided.

  “We won’t stay long,” he promised, reaching into the back for a blanket. “You can wait here until I get everything set up.” He surprised me by leaning over and kissing my cheek, well more like the corner of my mouth. Cade had no problem expressing his affection while I was a little more reserved.

  He got out of the car and I watched him wade through the tall grasses and spread out the blanket and lay the food on top. He came back to the car for the drinks and grabbed yet another blanket. I looked behind me wondering what else he had stored back there and saw a duffel bag and football.

  “You coming?”

  I jumped, realizing he was still standing there waiting for me to get out.

  “Yeah,” I mumbled, my cheeks heating at getting caught being nosy.

  It was cold, after all it was practically December, but luckily it wasn’t windy.

  Cade led me to the blanket spread out over the dried brown grass. He set the drinks down and shook out the other blanket he’d tucked under his arm. He wrapped it around both of us, which meant that when we sat down we were impossibly close. My heart sped up and my breath stuttered. Cade affected me like no guy had before. From the first moment I met him deep down I knew he was different.

  Cade handed me my food, his eyes lingering on the side of my face. “So, you think it went well with the therapist?”

  I should’ve known he’d bring it up again. I shrugged, staring out at the grass and trees beyond. It was easier to look at it than him when I spoke. “I do. She was nice and wanted to get to know me instead of trying to diagnose me or pry information out of me. I didn’t expect that.”

  “I’m glad to hear that.” The way he said the words I knew he meant that genuinely. “I just want to see you happy.”

  Cade Montgomery was infinitely too sweet for me, but I was too selfish to let him go now.

  “I am happy,” I replied. “Right now, with you, I’m happy. I’m not happy every second of every day but who is?” I took a breath, gathering my thoughts. “I’m trying to learn to appreciate the little things, those brief moments where…”

  “Where what?” He prompted.

  I turned my head towards him, my hair blowing around me. “Where I feel peace.”

  His lips quirked into a smile, and he reached forward to grasp my chin between his thumb and index finger. “Do I also bring you peace?”

  “You do,” I admitted. “When I’m with you everything feels right.” I hoped I hadn’t given away too much of my feelings with my words, but with the way he smiled it had been the perfect thing to say. I hated to ruin the moment, but I had something I needed to ask him. “Have you ever considered seeing a therapist? You know, to talk about your brother and what your dad does to you.”

  Cade looked away, his jaw clenching, and I worried that I’d made him madder than I predicted. After a few moments of breathing deeply he looked back at me. “I probably should, but I don’t know if I can. That’s why I commend you for having the guts to go. I just…I don’t know if I can admit to a stranger that my dad hits me. It makes me feel so pathetic.”

  I leaned my head on his shoulder. “You’re not pathetic, Cade. Far from it. You’re strong, loving, a protector, and so many other things. Pathetic, is definitely not one of them. What your dad does, that’s a reflection on him, not you. I…I want you to know,” I reached for his hand, playing with his fingers, “that you can trust me. I’m here anytime you need to talk about things.”

  “Back at ya, Sunshine.” He cupped the back of my head and drew me closer so he could kiss my forehead. I closed my eyes, soaking in the feel of him against me.

  I worried about Cade. I knew what keeping pain bottled up inside had done to me, and I didn’t want the same to happen to him. After all, if I hadn’t seen his dad hit him he would’ve never told me. But Cade was a different person from me, with a different personality, so maybe he could cope with things better than I could.

  “Don’t worry about me,” he whispered, like he knew what I’d been thinking about.

  “I can’t help it. I don’t want you to hate yourself for things that aren’t your fault. That’s what I’ve done and I know how miserable it can be.” I looked up at him and found him staring beyond at the trees.

  “I’m okay, Sunshine. Really.” He lowered his head to look at me. “Sometimes I want to blame myself and think that it must be my fault that my dad hits me, but then I stop and think, and I know that I’m wrong. I don’t ask for it. He’s just angry. But he’s still my dad, as stupid as that sounds. If he wants to use me as his punching bag, that’s fine.” Cade’s face became fierce all of a sudden. “But if he ever lays a hand on my mom, then we’ll have a problem.”

  Reaching up I curled my fingers against his shirt. “Does she know?”

  “No,” Cade sighed. “I think she wonders, but she doesn’t want to believe it’s possible. So, I let her think nothing’s wrong,” he shrugged. “Sometimes we have to protect the ones we love, and for me that means keeping my mouth shut.”

  I tried a different approach, not wanting to let it go. “What if you saw a little boy on the
street corner and his father hit him?”

  He winced. “That’s different.”

  “No, it’s not and you know it,” I spoke fiercely, determined to get him to see my point. “You need to stick up for yourself. If you won’t seek help then I think you should at least confront your dad about it.”

  He sighed, scratching his stubbled jaw. After a moment he turned and gave me a small smile. “When did you become the one giving me advice?”

  “When I started thinking like a normal person.”

  He chuckled, resting his chin on top of my head. “You were always normal, Rae, just a little sad.”

  He tilted my head back and covered my lips with his. The kiss was slow and sweet, but still managed to leave my toes tingling.

  He brushed his nose against mine when he pulled away. “We better eat before we freeze to death.”

  “It was your idea to eat out here,” I laughed. “And you’ve yet to tell me where exactly here is.” I looked around the field. The grasses were dry and brittle looking, but I was sure in the spring and summer it was bright green and soft. Maybe flowers even bloomed.

  “I’m not sure exactly,” he shrugged, taking a bite of his sandwich.

  “You’re not sure?” I laughed. “What if this is private property?”

  “Well, in the four years I’ve been coming here no one has chased me off so I’d say we’re safe. Now eat,” he pointed at my food.

  “Okay, okay,” I obliged.

  “Sometimes I come here when I want to get away from school and think…” He paused. “And get away from the football field. Out here, there’s no one to bother me. I can sit for hours and just be me.”

  “You spend a lot of time by yourself, don’t you?” I questioned.

  “I guess so,” he shrugged. “I learned that it was easier that way.”

  I laid my head on his shoulder and inhaled his familiar scent. “But you brought me here.”

  “I know.” He laid his food down and wrapped his arms around me. “I’ve begun to realize that no place holds any meaning without you.”

  My breath faltered.

  “Where do you see this going?” He asked. “Us, I mean?”