Unidentified Funny Objects 3
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To:
Subject: Intros
Hey Super Moms! Here’s the email group I mentioned to a couple of you at preschool today. Teacher Stacie said there are four of us families in the system right now at Little Darlings Preschool and shared your emails with me—hope that’s ok! I think we can learn from each other! Please go ahead and introduce yourself and your kids, and feel free to share a problem you’re having right now. Chances are you’re not alone.
As for me, I have twin four-year-olds Isabel Ko and Beatrix Ai. Isabel has super strength and Beatrix has X-ray vision. Isabel is going through a hitting phase. Our front door has been obliterated twice. Beatrix knows all about sex from looking through the neighbors’ walls (apparently the neighbors have way more fun than we do.) I’m tempted to put both girls in a cement dome covered in foil until they’re twenty.
Hope to hear from you all!
hugs, Stef
Live each day like the planet might explode tomorrow. Who knows, right?
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From: Zoë Wallis
To:
Re: Intros
OMG Stef, thanks for starting this group. I have a boy (Rocket) who is three, and we just had a new baby (Lilac), who is five months. Rocket was doing just fine up until the baby was born. And now… OMG I don’t even know. Have any of you dealt with kids who won’t stop stretching? Apparently he’s been tying knots around the other children with his stretched-out legs. I’ve tried bribing him with stickers. Also with capes. Nothing.
I cringe every time I pick him up from Little Darlings now. Teacher Stacie keeps talking to him about “helping hands” and “human hands” but he just laughs and sticks out his tongue till it touches the other wall. Going crazy here, and we don’t even know what Lilac’s powers are yet. Dread finding out it’s something like super boobs, because I will NOT be down with buying her a spandex leotard with holes cut out of it.
Zoë “Human Hands are not Stretchy Hands” Wallis
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From: Alícia Marquez
To:
Re: Intros
Hello Stef and Zoë. I have one daughter, Alexandra-Maria, who’s three and in Rocket’s class. Forgive my bluntness, Zoë, but my daughter and I have had some serious talks already about Rocket’s behavior. She knows that it is unacceptable to submit to his inappropriate elasticity—not just for herself, but as an example for other girls who may be too timid to speak up. (I am glad you do not see it as a “boys will be boys” issue, as I find far too many mothers do.)
Unfortunately, not only is my daughter too shy to tell Rocket how she feels about his knots, her super power is that of turning herself inaudible. We are hoping it will be accompanied by invisibility as well (her grandmother has both talents), but so far she remains a frustratingly symbolic metaphor for being both a woman, and a woman of color, in this world.
Best, Alícia
alt.email: ceo@marquez.com
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From: Zoë Wallis
To:
Re: Intros
Oh god, Alícia, I am SO sorry. I swear weeee are wroking on it.
Will write more later. Rocket has me tied to chair. Am puishing keyboard buttons with nose.
Zoë “Down with the Patriarchy, Even When He’s 3” Wallis
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From: Tiffy Turner
To:
Re: Intros
Hi ladies! Sorry for the delay but we just got back from getting Hadley a new skirt for flying practice.
I am blessed with three amazingly super children over here. Hadley is our flyer—she just turned seven. Williamsburg is four and his talent is weather control. He’s in the class with Stef’s darling twins. And Dartmouth is two months old and already showing signs of being clever with fire—she lit the candles on Hadley’s birthday cake last week!
Zoe, hang in there, I’m sure your baby will turn up with something eventually! All my super kids showed their talents by at least three months but it generally is much later, as I’m sure you know from Rocket.
Stef said we should each share a problem we’re facing right now, but honestly we have no problems! Life is, well, “super!”
PS: Does anyone know who the kid was who brought slugs to school last week? Apparently they escaped. Williamsburg found one in his snack container and he was quite aggrieved. I wouldn’t be so upset only Williamsburg likes to carry a shaker of sea salt for his snack and the slug died when it came into contact. Also it was an antique snack container signed by Amazing Man.
xoxo Tiffy
“Hadley is the most delightful student it’s ever been my privilege to teach!” — Mrs. Stout, 1st grade teacher
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From: Stef Jones-Tanaka
To:
Subject: Slugs
Ooh, sorry, Tiffy. The slugs were Beatrix’s doing. She wanted to see what they would look like inside things—including, apparently, Williamsburg’s lunchbox. We have confiscated the slugs and returned them to the yard.
Thanks for your kind words on the girls. I’ve always thought Williamsburg was such a darling child—so nicely dressed, and he always asks me what I think of the weather. Now I understand why.
Alícia, I understand your frustration, believe me. It’s so hard raising girls in this world—especially girl supers. Mine don’t need any help fighting their own battles (which is both good and bad, when you’re called in because Isabel punched the cubbies to smithereens!), but I can *well* imagine your frustration.
Zoë, hang in there too—things will get better. My younger brother’s talent is levitating others. Preschool was a nightmare. And grade school. And junior high, come to that. But it did get better. Now he has a good job with the coast guard hoisting drowning people out of the ocean, and is super responsible.
hugs, Stef
Live each day like the planet might be wiped out by mutated giraffe-flu tomorrow. Who knows, right?
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From: Zoë Wallis
To:
Re: Intros
Hi, Tiffany. Yes, I’m sure Lilac’s talent will show up soon. We’re not worried.
BTW, I’m sure I’m just confused, but I thought you had four children? There’s a teenage girl who’s been picking up Williamsburg all summer and I thought she said she was his big sister?
Zoë “The Baby Ate Holes In My Brain but Maybe That’s Just Her Talent” Wallis
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From: Tiffy Turner
To:
Re: Intros
Hi, Zoe. It’s Tiffy, actually, not Tiffany.
Yes, our oldest, Amherst, is 14, but she’s not a super, so I didn’t mention her as I thought this list was about parenting our supers? (Although sometimes I like to joke that she has the talent of driving us all insane. She’s suddenly refused to accompany Hadley to flying lessons, even though she’s always loved it. She recently covered her entire room in foil, which as a super myself is hard not to take personally. And, she used to spend all her time writing stories which was at least harmless, but now she’s switched over to the drums, which is driving us completely bananas. If anyone has any suggestions for stopping this, I’m all ears. Not literally, as my talent is calming, not shapeshifting.)
Stef—thank you. I always thought Williamsburg might have a second talent for fashion, but his father doesn’t like me to suggest that. Williamsburg designed my most recent super outfit, though. (I mean, not that I’m currently fighting crime or anything as I make sure to put my kids first. But you know how it is—hard to give up the spandex, you know?) Anyway, everyone always asks who the label is.
xo Tiffy
“Williamsburg has the best Helping Hands I have ever seen!” — Teacher Stacie
###
From: Zoë Wallis
To:
Re: Intros
Hi, Tiffy. It’s Zoë actually, not Zoe, but I realize it can be hard to find those strange characters on your keyboard if you’re not used to French words.
Zoë “Alt-shift-quotation mark, e” Wallis
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From: Stef Jones-Tanaka
To:
Subject: Checking In
Hey Super Moms! I just realized it’s been a whole week since we last spoke! I’m sure you guys are just as busy as I am—I’ve been trying to start back into part-time work at my old lab and it’s a strain to find the time to do everything I used to do *and* work as well.
Tiffy, I’ve been thinking about your difficulty with Amherst, and I wonder if she’s feeling a little left out at not getting to go to flying practice and weather practice and fire practice herself, you know? It may not be her thing, but Teacher Stacie said she’s looking for a teenage helper as we start into the summer class. Maybe a little responsibility and money would make her feel like she has a talent, too. I know *I’m* glad to be back in the lab, and not *just* be in my mommy role, as much as I love the girls! Just a thought. :-)
hugs, Stef
Live each day like a genetically-engineered dragon might fry the earth tomorrow. Who knows, right?
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From: Tiffy Turner
To:
Re: Checking In
Thanks, Stef. I’ll have her drop off her résumé.
Tiffy
“Seriously, I would babysit that darling Dartmouth for free!” — Angie, nanny
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From: Stef Jones-Tanaka
To:
Subject: New Member
Hi again Super Moms! I think we got off to a bit of a rocky start but I still think there’s a lot we can help each other with!
I invited a new mother to join as Teacher Stacie said this morning that a kid in the 3’s class suddenly developed a talent! She said his family wasn’t expecting it at all—how exciting! Hopefully she’ll post later.
Hope you all are doing well. Tiffy, I’m *so* excited to see Amherst helping out with the classes at school! Teacher Stacie said she’s been telling stories to the kids and seems to be really enjoying herself! Isabel and Beatrix came home last week full of a long story she told them about a girl who transformed into a sparkly fire truck and flew to the moon with her sidekick Iceman to battle a bunch of fire-monkeys or something. Very imaginative kiddo you’ve got there!
hugs, Stef
Live each day like a plague of super-spiders might web everything tomorrow. Who knows, right?
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From: Deiondre Johnson
To:
Subject: Help
Hi, I’m Deiondre. Stef invited me. My son, Denzel, suddenly discovered this weekend he could make water freeze. Frankly we are all shocked around here as no one in our family has ever had this. I mean ice cubes sound nice as it’s summer and all, but it’s downright shocking to turn on the shower and get icicles. And then I guess he froze some kid’s tongue to his drink at school today. I’m already at my wit’s end and hoping for suggestions.
Deiondre
Sent from my iPhone. Please excuse typos as I’m probably asleep.
###
From: Zoë Wallis
To:
Re: Help
Hi Deiondre—lots of empathy here as that must have been shocking. We were prepared for a super and it was still shocking the first time Rocket shot his arm across the room to grab a cookie out of Dad’s hand. Of course it’s helpful if one or both parents are supers—his dad is able to make things briefly turn to jello (I know, I know, that’s what she said) but seriously, if you can turn a super tantrum into a pile of goo for one minute it does work wonders.
PS Don’t feel too bad about the tongue freezing as that was my son and I’m sure he deserved it.
Zoë “Any Day Where My Kid Wasn’t The Worst Is a Good Day” Wallis
###
From: Tiffy Turner
To:
Re: Help
Deiondre,
I’d be happy to have my son Williamsburg talk to him if you’d like. It can be helpful to have a well-behaved super around to show him the ropes.
And I understand you about it being shocking. No one in my family was a super and then suddenly I turned out to be super skilled at calming. And I was quite a late bloomer as it didn’t happen until after Amherst was born, probably because I never needed it before. She had colic and was so fussy that something just clicked on. Honestly, that’s why there’s such a gap between Amherst and Hadley—I joined a league and helped subdue riots in heels and spandex for seven years before my husband pointed out it was time to have the other children we’d wanted to have.
Tiffy
“Hadley is the most talented super I’ve seen in years.” — Dr. Humphries, flying teacher
###
From: Alícia Marquez
To:
Re: Help
Hello Deiondre, I am glad that you have joined the group. Alexandra-Maria told me all about the little boy at school today who kept putting ice cubes down her dress. She explained to me that it meant he liked her, but I explained that there are more appropriate ways of showing affection and they all involve keeping one’s hands to oneself.
Believe me, Deiondre (and Zoë), I do empathize with the difficulties of socializing a boy to master appropriate and respectful behavior. But I was raised to speak my mind and I feel that it would, in fact, be disrespectful of you two women if I did not alert you to the situation and show that I have confidence that these situations will be ameliorated.
Zoë, apparently Rocket is doing better about not tying his legs around Alexandra-Maria’s legs. However, he stretched himself up to the roof today and was dropping Cheerios on her head.
Best, Alícia
alt.email: ceo@marquez.com
###
From: Zoë Wallis
To:
Subject: Cheerios
Working on it.
Zoë “Cheerio Mom” Wallis
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From: Stef Jones-Tanaka
To:
Subject: Another!!
Super Moms, Teacher Stacie told me *another* kid popped up with super talent today! This is really exciting. I mean, Stacie said they’d never had so many supers at once when it was just the original four families, and now two new supers in one week???
I would say there’s something in the water, but as I’m sure you all know, super ability is not a bug and is in fact passed genetically. I’m sure this is completely explicable by some latent recessive gene suddenly appearing. And then, it’s perfectly natural to have cluster groups form—a bunch of things happen at once and it appears to be statistically significant, but in fact it’s completely random distribution.
Still, what are the odds? No, seriously, what are the odds? I think I may need to go down to Little Darlings preschool and take a look around.
hugs, Stef
Live each day like the earth might turn to jelly tomorrow. Who knows, right?
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From: Joseph Goldman
To:
Subject: Introducing Ourselves
&nbs
p; Hi—my son, Isaiah, is a student at Little Darlings Preschool. Just now he explained to me, very seriously, that he has a hitherto unsuspected talent for swimming under water and never needing to come up for air. In the face of my skepticism, he demonstrated in the bathtub. This seems harmless enough (albeit pruney.) I am told that those of you on this email group face this sort of thing every day. Any thoughts?
Sincerely, Joseph
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From: lindsey morgan
To:
Subject: Can You explain this please
Hi This is lindsey mom of trooper in fours class do you know what is going on with this super powers thing? I thought this was just on tv but teacher stacie says to contact you for help. i should mention that trooper came home flying today this is very distrubing. can you tell me how to get rid of this? trooper is on the ceiling fan again i have to go
lindsey
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From: Felicia Kwiatkowski
To:
Subject: TRUCK TRUCK TRUCK
You guys! I am FREAKED OUT! My daughter just turned herself into a TRUCK! An HONEST TO GOD HUMVEE. I mean, a little tiny one—conservation of mass and all that but WTFHOLYBBQ. We have no problem with having a tiny super in the family but I guess Karolina and I always thought if our kid developed a talent it would be something we’d heard of like invisibility or flying. WTF TRUCK.