by Leanne Davis
I step closer, drawn in by her words and the sincerity of her voice. She seems so sad. I touch her chin, lifting her gaze to mine. “He isn’t going to be proud of you for having sex with me. That was clearly his intent when he said what he did. He’s proud of you for being you. I think that’s what he was apologizing for. So don’t use me, or anyone else. Make him proud of you. Not the partner you choose to have sex with.”
Her smile is real. “I haven’t done a lot to be proud of.”
“Again, I don’t think he means by your actions. It’s not like he’s ticking off a checklist of goals like going to college or getting your master’s. I think he was speaking to only you.”
“Huh. That seems harder to define, or make him care about.”
“Again, I think he means for you to just be you.”
“Just be me? How do I accomplish that?”
“By living. Here. And being Melissa Hendricks.” I can’t help the laugh that pops out of my mouth. Maybe her sensitivity reveals how badly her relationship with her dad has gotten. Will told her he loved her and liked her, regardless of anything or anyone else. But she didn’t hear that. Not when he said it.
“That’s a new idea. Not sure that’s enough though.” Her eyes crinkle up, as does her mouth into a smirk. “But Seth, you aren’t having sex with me.”
I roll my eyes and pull her close enough so she can feel it’s not a question of wanting her. “I’m thinking real hard about changing that.”
She pushes back. “You shouldn’t have encouraged the new me. Now I think I want to try it slower. All of it.”
I sigh. “I know, Missy. That’s why I stopped you.”
“Oh.” She frowns. “So you…”
“I get you. I think I might be starting to understand that head of yours.”
The next morning, Will is out early. After grabbing a ladder and crashing around the shop below where I live, I realize that I have to suck up my balls and go face him. He’s hauling out Christmas lights to decorate their house and trees. The huge ladder he carries reaches to the top peak of their house. I grab a box of lights and follow him.
“Need some help?” I ask as I drop the box near the ladder base. He’s busy extending it before letting it fall gently against the face of the house.
He grunts at me. “Why ask me? You’ve already helped yourself to my daughter.”
I’ve always called him simply Will. Do I dare now? Finally, I sigh. “I could be Anand. I think you’re maybe a little grateful I’m not.”
He glances at me. “I think she needs to be alone for a while to figure this stuff out.”
“Including your role in it?” I almost bite my tongue. Not the right words to say if I hope to gain his good will. But I’ve gone this far, so I might as well continue. “The only reason she dated those jerks was to tick you off. She never cared about any of them. But she knew you did. She also knew you didn’t understand or approve of her. Look, she thinks she’ll make you proud of her if she’s with someone like me. You have work to do with her too. And yes, maybe she should be alone right now. But in my book, she’s honestly never been with anyone that matters. Not for real. It was all physical and transitory. I mean… yes, she’s…” Crap! I can’t divulge his daughter’s multiple sex partners. Oops.
He scowls. “I know what you mean. What’s your point?”
“My point is, I like your daughter, Will. I really like her. I’d like to spend more time with her because she makes me feel things I haven’t felt for anyone else. But I am not using her. I am not out for that…” This is impossible without stepping on a land mine.
“I see,” he says quietly.
“Yes, I know she has issues. I see that. But maybe because of them, we’re a good match. I don’t know. It’s way too soon to tell. I could be good for her.”
“Yeah? And what do you get out of it? Sex?”
I flinch at his harsh words. “Not right now,” I mumble. “Why do I have to itemize your daughter’s positive points? Shouldn’t you already know them and simply expect me to see them?”
“Well said, Seth. But still, tell me. Reassure me. Convince me it’s not just that she’s far prettier than any other girl who cast her eyes your way.”
Geez! Will doesn’t hold back. I cross my arms over my chest and glare at him. “Okay. Fine. She’s pretty. Duh! But you know what else? She’s funny and spontaneous and sweet and full of personality. And it all shows in her, to the point where I have to struggle to get out of my head. She gets me out of it easily. I just want to see where this could go.”
Will nods. “She’s right behind you, Seth. Been listening for most of it. I just wanted her to hear it.” He leans over and grabs the end of the lights, handing it to me. “Okay, stud, go to the top of the ladder and clip this on for me.”
I flinch, turning, and sure enough, she’s standing by the front door, listening to us. Her eyes are bright and her smile is kind of sweet. I shrug as I throw my hands up and glance at Will. I swear, he’s having a pissing contest with me. So I walk over to his daughter and kiss her, albeit without any tongue and only a quick graze of my lips on hers, but still, I kiss her. Her eyes are bright when I look up and smile before turning back towards Will, whom I salute. I grab the lights and start up the ladder.
Chapter Thirteen
~Melissa~
Things actually changed after last week. A lot. And quickly. After bumbling around for half my life, I think I can finally begin to understand myself.
I go to my counselor often. We talk in depth about ADD; she explains what it is and the various ways people deal with it. My mom and I go to a primary care physician to get an evaluation and properly diagnose it. It scares me. What if, after opening this door and discovering a possible explanation from my counselor, what if she’s wrong? It’s not like I’m thrilled to have ADD, but I know something isn’t normal with me and the prospect of actually diagnosing it fills me with hope. It’s already lessened the negative effects it has on my life and my relationships as well.
I insist that everyone keep quiet about it until I have the results from the doctor and a real diagnosis. After several appointments and probing questionnaires with hundreds of questions, my whole history is down on paper. I honestly needed my mom there to answer many of the questions because I couldn’t remember. Other forms are authorized and completed by my former teachers since I’m neither in school right now or working. It is the best we could do. It’s a small town, and we Hendricks are well–known, so all of them remembered me quite well. I’m nearly choking on my tongue when I see them again, with my mom’s support of course, but still, confronting them again makes me very uncomfortable. I explain how I am searching for answers and a possible diagnosis but still require input from individuals outside of the home who know my past history and behavior.
I am still getting flak from Emily. She attacks me a few times for not working. I let her vent and try to ignore her, reminding myself that she merely doesn’t understand. How could she? I haven’t told her anything yet. Hell, I’m just starting to accept it myself, and a long way off from being someone my family and society can be proud of. Christina comes by to see me. We have a heart–to–heart talk and she offers to take me out so I can look for work. I smile and pretend I have an interview scheduled next week at the doctor’s office where I’m having the evaluation done. But I tell her I am applying for a job as a receptionist.
Her sigh reveals her disappointment with me (again) but she lets it go.
Meanwhile, finding a job is the main subject I discuss with my counselor. Shortly after our first few forays into my dubious work history, she asks, “Have you ever done anything you like?’
“How many people like entry–level jobs?”
“Not many, unless they enjoy it to begin with. And remember: you might need more incentive to work than the average person. Your family is willing to help you right now. So, unlike some people, you have the luxury of leeway; why don’t we use it?”
“I th
ink that’s been my family’s major complaint,” I say dryly.
She grins. “I mean, when you’re engaged in something you enjoy, you’ve told me you feel ‘normal,’ and have no problem doing it and committing to it. That is because of that chemical thing, serotonin that we’ve discussed.”
It always makes me happy when she uses layman terms. She knows by calling it a “chemical thing” instead of just its specific name, I will remember. She relates to me in ways that make me feel like I can be honest with her.
“Again, most people would say that.”
“Most people can make themselves focus even if they don’t want to. You find it nearly impossible. And we don’t have to explain why. Because we know why now, don’t we? We have to treat you, the person, Melissa Hendricks, not as you ‘should be,’ but in the best way we can let you express yourself.”
I nod. She makes me feel like the mush in my head isn’t all mush.
“The dogs you talk about so often. And all the things you teach them to do. I wonder, why not find a job with dogs or other animals? Why don’t we further explore that interest of yours and see what develops? Your kindness and attention to animals is a lovely quality.”
“I can’t be a doctor.”
“You mean like your mom?”
“Yes, like my mom. I can’t do what she does.”
“Well, isn’t there some other avenue besides being a veterinarian that you could do?” A small smile appears on her face. I suspect I’m going too far into extremes again and failing to recognize any other options. Either I become a veterinarian, or what? Like there’s no other way I could work with animals. I see her point. There has to be several jobs that include animals and their care, and don’t require higher education.
“I can’t handle being around sick or dying dogs or cats. But I think I could handle the care of older dogs or neglected ones. I’ve often dreamed of rescuing every single stray I can find. I realize, however, that’s not practical. But maybe…” I frown, wondering how I could possibly fulfill my desire to hang around four–legged creatures. That is, if there is a real job for me.
“Think on it, Melissa. You don’t have to decide right here and now.”
We discuss other topics. But that sticks with me. When Seth comes by to take me to dinner, it’s foremost on my mind. Yes, we go to dinner. He’s taken me out several times, to the movies and ice skating or just hanging out. We talk a lot. I’ve learned so much, things I never realized about him.
“Hey? Where are you?” he asks after I zone out on what he is telling me. He is discussing his current class project.
I frown. I do this often. I so easily lose track of what he’s saying. I lean forward and put my hand over his. “Sorry, but I was thinking of something Elizabeth said today.”
“You want to share it?”
“She said I might have better luck sticking to a job and succeeding in it if I found one that interests me. I guess I have a low tolerance with things I’m not particularly interested in. It’s a chemical thing, she says,” I rush on, anxious to justify my statement but feeling like a fraud.
“I know it is. ADD is a deficiency in specific neurotransmitters; in this case, norepinephrine.” He smiles back. He does that a lot. He already did research into the scientific community’s consensus about ADHD. He summarizes it for me so I can understand it, but I forget most of it. His brain is like a sponge, and he never forgets a name, abbreviation, word or concept.
“Yes, well, she thinks if I find a field that is of high interest to me, I might have different results.”
“Weird; that’s something I’ve thought of before.”
“What?”
“When you were spending hours training your dogs, I wondered why you didn’t do that for other people.”
“What? Become a dog trainer? How do I get started? Not like I have an official credential or certification or anything. Are there such things?”
“I don’t know. Maybe that’s what your counselor meant when she told you to look into it. Get more information. Find different options. There might be all kinds of avenues you’ve never explored.”
“Like what?”
“Like, for example, let’s say someone like me is climbing up in the mountains and gets lost or missing. They need search and rescue dogs to locate people that are missing.”
“Me? Training search and rescue dogs? Wouldn’t that include me climbing, which you said I don’t have the mental or emotional or physical discipline for?” My voice goes a few octaves higher. As if. Seth knows I haven’t the discipline to do such things. “You said—”
He squirms around. “I was way too harsh. I just didn’t like… Anand. Okay? I was bitter at finding you there and doing that. But since then, my entire world has been turned upside down. What if you could do something like that? Maybe not exactly that kind of training, but something you feel more comfortable with. I have no idea what, but you could look into it.”
“Do you think there is ever any chance I could learn to rock or mountain climb like you do?”
He smiles. “Well, it was pretty impressive seeing what you could climb up and down while high, and it never once fazed you. That’s a good start. We could try out something small. Go for hikes and see what you think about it. Maybe try a climbing wall. There’s one over at the university. Maybe we could go there.”
I scoot to the edge of my seat. “Really? I’d love to.”
“Most girls are freaked out over what I like to do and never want me to do it again with them.”
“Probably just what you’d think if you ever saw Dad and me ride.”
“I bet you have the guts for it. But you need to try it and see. Unlike me, just get tied off and all that.”
“What do you mean ‘get tied off’? Don’t you? Get tied off?”
He shakes his head. “I like free solo climbing.”
I shrug. “Sure, I remember now; you told me last weekend.” He climbed on Mount Rainier last Saturday and I must admit I was little pouty while he was gone. We spent the last couple of weekends together and I liked it.
“Um, do you know what it means?”
“Sure, going alone.”
“And using only my hands, feet, and body to climb without ropes of any kind or protective equipment, and definitely no self–belaying system. I like just climbing without anything but myself.”
“Wait. Are you saying you just crawl up the mountain on your hands and knees? And if you fall, you’re virtually dead? I thought you meant you went climbing alone, as in solo.”
He smirks. “Well, I hope I have better skills than that, but yeah, that’s the general gist of it. And there are all different kinds of terrain. From narrow trails across glaciers to the faces of sheer rocks and ice.”
Holy crap. I had no idea. None. I’m not sure I even knew people did that. I don’t actually know anyone who climbs mountains and skis down them for fun. His face grows solemn.
“I’m sorry, judging by your expression, you didn’t know until now. I thought you understood. It’s not a big deal for me. I’m good at it. I never fall.”
I’m inexplicably angry when the waitress returns with our bill. I throw the money down and jump to my feet, going out to his Jeep way ahead of him. He doesn’t often lock it so I jump inside and wait for him in the cold. He gets in and starts it with a deep sigh.
“You’re mad.”
“You never fall? That’s what every idiot says, until they fall. That’s why they are called accidents. No one does it on purpose. That’s why people use ropes to secure themselves while they climb the fucking mountain, Seth.”
“Okay. You’re mad,” he mumbles while shifting the Jeep into gear and backing up. I can tell by the sloppy way he steers and shifts that he’s annoyed at me as well.
“It’s your life we’re discussing. I don’t want to worry that you’ll die some Saturday after I see you off. I knew it was a bit dangerous, but mostly I thought it was an exciting hobby. I didn’t know you chronic
ally tempted fate.”
“Again, I’m sorry. I thought my mom told your mom about it years ago. I assumed you knew. But maybe Mom didn’t. She’s used to it now; after all, my dad did it too, so she’s grown to accept it. Actually, it never really bothered her that much. I thought you saw it as something exciting to do and understood why I like it.”
“Oh? Why? Because I’m the crazy girl who—”
“I don’t think you’re the crazy girl anymore and neither do I judge your history. But you did almost fall off the water tower while high on X. And acted crazy more than once, Missy,” he says nonchalantly. His tone is soft and even, so I know he’s trying to calm me down. He slows the Jeep to a stop when we reach the stairs to his apartment and gets out with a sigh. So do I, slamming the door.
I pound my feet on the steps and hurry upstairs. I am not finished yet.
I sense his weariness as he follows me in. I start pacing. He sets his keys down and turns a lamp on.
“You’re making too much of this.”
“Why would you do that? You’re a computer geek. You know how to program and hack them as well as other obscure, scientific technology because you’re so smart, you can’t narrow down your academic interests. You’re not the kind of guy who climbs unharnessed up cliff faces.”
“Maybe that’s why I do it. Maybe that is exactly what drew me to it in the first place. It’s not because I’m a nerd, geek, loser, and wimp. I’m not a guy like your dad. People don’t look at me and assume I can take care of myself or others, much less defend you. What do you think would have happened if that jerk–off Anand decided to come after me that night in his club? You were terrified for my safety. Duh! Right? Maybe I just like doing something that isn’t always safe and sane and nerdy.”
I halt. He’s still so calm. His smooth, even tone doesn’t change. I know I’ve struck a chord with him, something that makes him self–conscious. It’s rare for Seth. He doesn’t have as many hang–ups as I do. But it’s definitely there. That touches me more than our stupid argument. I see him as being so stable. The good one. The sure one. The only guy I’ve ever liked who is level–headed and genuinely caring in his support. Imagine Seth having an insecurity? I surprise him when I rush into his arms.
