The Cowboy's Ready-Made Family

by Linda Ford

  Maisie smiled one of her rich, welcoming smiles. “I knew you all had to deal with the changes in your lives in your own particular way.”

  “And you prayed lots,” Levi said.

  “Yes, I did.”

  Big Sam gave her an adoring look that some might consider silly on such a tough man, but Tanner knew it was sincere and Maisie deserved his esteem. “And you loved us lots.”

  “I still do.”

  * * *

  Susanne looked about the table. Tanner and his brothers had reason to regret the events of their lives that left them without a mother, yet they obviously did not resent Maisie as an intruder. They were happy and content in the certainty of Maisie’s love.

  She looked at her charges. She loved them lots and prayed for them. Would they turn out as happy and content as the Harding boys?

  Maisie took Liz’s hand. “You and your sister and brothers have had much sorrow in your young lives. I will pray that you find your way of dealing with it and allow God to lead you. You all deserve God’s best.” She looked about the table. “I believe you will find what you need in being strong together.”

  “Thank you,” Liz whispered. “I try to be the sort of girl that would make my mama and papa proud.”

  “And you are.” Tanner smiled at each of the children. “Your ma and pa would be proud of all of you.”

  Frank ducked his head to hide his pleased smile. Liz and the little ones favored him with adoring looks.

  Susanne feared she would do the same and forced her eyes down, as if to study her plate.

  Thankfully, Maisie rose at that moment to serve pie and coffee and Susanne jumped up to help.

  She kept her attention on the food and the conversation that turned to other things as they finished the meal. She worked very hard to keep her gaze from roaming too frequently to Tanner and from lingering there when it did.

  As soon as the meal ended, she sprang to her feet. “We will help with the cleanup.”

  The men wandered outside, Frank with them, while Liz and Susanne helped wash and dry dishes. “I very much enjoyed the visit,” she said. “This is a nice family.”

  Maisie turned toward Janie and Robbie drawing on some pages she’d given them. “It is so pleasant to have young children visit. Be sure and come often.”

  “Thank you.” But Susanne had not gained enough confidence around Pat to try to hitch him to a wagon, and she had no reason to think Tanner would be offering to take them back and forth.

  Soon it was time to leave and all the children said thank-you to their hosts, as did Susanne. Tanner held her hand and assisted her into the buggy under the watchful eyes of his brothers. He did not let his touch linger one second longer than necessary and she hoped she did not show the slightest reaction to his hand on hers.

  “Did you enjoy your visit?” he asked after they had left the ranch buildings behind.

  The children chorused yes. They quickly settled in the back, content to watch the passing scenery.

  Tanner turned to Susanne for her answer.

  “I enjoyed it very much. You have a nice family.”

  He grinned. “I suppose I do.” He paused as he seemed to consider what he meant to say. “I was every bit as wild as Levi suggested. Even more. I suppose I thought I could hold on to my ma by turning to her past ways.”

  “I can understand that. I suppose much of what we do is a reaction to events in our lives. I can’t count the things I’ve done, or not done, the things I’ve thought—sometimes wrongly—in accordance with what I would expect from Aunt Ada.”

  “Seems like a long time ago we made an agreement to forget our pasts.”

  “It’s been a challenge for me. So often I hear Aunt Ada reminding me of the obligation I had. But I do believe it’s getting easier to not listen to her voice. How about you? Are you learning that not everyone is offended by who you are?”

  The reins were slack in his hands and he stared straight ahead. She was afraid she had inadvertently reminded him of the very thing he wanted to forget. She touched the back of his hand. “I hope you can at least see that the children and I aren’t. We appreciate you and what you are doing for us.”

  He slowly brought his gaze to meet hers. “It helps to hear it from you.” A smile broke forth with such power she almost shaded her eyes. “You make me believe it doesn’t matter.”

  “Good. Because it doesn’t.”

  “Not to you?” His voice had grown very soft.

  Afraid to reveal too much of her heart and risk having it broken, she said, “Not to any of us.” She nodded toward the children behind her. The little ones had fallen asleep against their older brother and sister. “It shouldn’t matter to anyone.”

  He turned his attention back to the horses.

  She should have been more honest, but he’d given her no reason to hope for the things she longed for.

  “Are you anxious to get back?” he asked after several seconds of silence.

  “I suppose not. What did you have in mind?”

  “I’d like to show you something if you have no objections.”

  “None whatsoever.” She’d make this afternoon last forever if she could. Besides, she heard a hint of eagerness in his voice that made her think he had something special in mind.

  He turned aside, crossing rough, untrodden prairie. They climbed higher, crested a hill and followed the slope for a few miles, then he drove down into a wide, sunlit valley with several thick groves of trees. He pulled to a stop and stared straight ahead, his jaw muscles clenching and unclenching.

  She touched the back of his hand. “What’s wrong?”

  He released a deep breath. “Remember I told you about the trees where my mother fell on her knees and worshipped?”

  She followed the direction of his gaze. “This is the place?”

  He nodded. “I almost went into the center of the trees the other day.”

  She waited as he gathered his thoughts.

  “Will you come with me?” he asked her.

  “I’d be honored to. Do you want the children to come, as well?”

  “Of course.” He jumped to the ground and hurried around to help her down. His hands lingered at her waist and he studied her face. “I’m sure it will be completely different than I remember.”

  “Either way, it will bring your mother’s memory close.”

  He nodded and lifted the children down. Robbie, now awake, as was Janie, took off at once. Susanne collared him. “We’ll follow Tanner.”

  Tanner left his hat in the buggy, then faced the trees. He wiped his hand on his trousers and sucked in a breath. “I think this is the spot where we went in.” A faint trail parted the trees. “Animals must be using it.” He pushed aside the overhanging branches and held them as Susanne and the children followed. The path was narrow and covered with more branches.

  “Where we going?” Robbie asked.

  “It’s a place Tanner hasn’t been to since his ma died,” Susanne explained. She hoped the children would realize how important this spot was to him.

  “His first ma?” Robbie asked, sounding a little worried.

  “Yes.”

  “Oh.” After that the children were silent. They understood how important memories of parents were. Each of them had something of Alice’s they cherished. Susanne had never gone through Jim’s things. She couldn’t bring herself to. When the time came, she would see that they all got to choose something of his to keep.

  Tanner broke into the open. She followed with the children right behind.

  “Oh.” Totally speechless, she stared about. They stood in a round clearing with the tree branches arching overhead to form a light-dappled canopy.

  “It’s like church,” Liz whispered in wonderment.

  “An
outdoor cathedral,” Susanne echoed her sentiments.

  Tanner turned full circle. “It is exactly as I recall it.” He moved to the center. “Ma knelt right here.” As he looked upward, light pooled on his face. He closed his eyes as if in prayer.

  Susanne drew the children back, wondering if he wanted to be alone.

  He opened his eyes and held his out hands, inviting them forward.

  He pulled Susanne to his side and the children clustered about them.

  “This is a very special place,” he said. “I have never felt closer to God than I did here when my ma prayed. And I feel it again. Do you?”

  The children nodded.

  “Look up.”

  They did so. The branches parted in the overhead breeze and light flooded them. Each of them closed their eyes as if lost in awareness of God. Susanne could not take her eyes from them.

  Tanner squeezed her shoulder. “You try it.”

  She lifted her face, and light and warmth washed over her. She closed her eyes and let the cares and worries of her life slip away until she felt free. “God is so good. He loves each of us in a special way.”

  No one replied. They simply stood there so aware of God’s love that there was no need for words.

  Birdsong came from a nearby tree. “A robin,” Tanner said.

  The moment ended and the children stepped away to explore the clearing, their voices muted.

  Susanne did not want to break the closeness that she shared with Tanner. His arm remained about her. Neither of them moved. The sun passed from overhead and the clearing grew chilly.

  “I should get you home.” But Tanner remained motionless.

  “Liz and Frank, take the younger ones back to the buggy. We’ll be there in a minute or two.” She sensed Tanner needed a few minutes alone, but when she made to follow the children, he held her.

  “Stay here. I want to hold this moment in my memory forever.”

  She relaxed with his arm about her shoulders. “I’m honored that you chose to share it with me.”

  “There’s no one I would rather share it with.” His gaze claimed her. In that moment she knew she was eternally changed. Life would never be the same for her. His look went on and on, searching her very soul.

  “Susanne.” Her name was music on his lips.

  “Tanner,” she whispered. The word came from deep inside.

  His gaze traveled over her face and came to rest on her mouth.

  She couldn’t breathe for fear of shattering the special feeling between them in this fragile moment.

  He lowered his head, then seemed to think better of it.

  She tipped her face up to him, inviting the kiss she knew was on his mind.

  He smiled and claimed her mouth in a reverent, sweet kiss full of promise and possibility.

  She clung to his shoulders, not wanting to end the moment, but he drew back.

  “I shouldn’t have done that, but I can’t find it in my heart to say I’m sorry.” He didn’t sound the least bit regretful.

  “I’m not sorry.” She said it with utmost conviction.

  He laughed with such pure delight her eyes stung.

  The children’s voices reached them and they shared one more special smile, then returned to the buggy and headed home.

  It wasn’t until he’d said good-night and departed, and after the children were tucked in bed, that she had time to think about the afternoon.

  And the kiss. Neither of them had said what it meant though she cherished the possibility that it might mean something very special.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Tanner returned to the Collins farm Monday morning and continued putting seed in the ground, every minute a joy as he watched Susanne and the children go about their chores. He worked very hard to appear normal as he went in for dinner and then enjoyed the afternoon break. But would anything ever feel truly normal again?

  The sky was bluer, the air clearer, and the mountains more majestic. The children’s laughter rang more joyously and he was certain Susanne’s smile was warmer.

  He tried not to linger as he said goodbye at the end of the day, but it took supreme effort to pull himself from Susanne’s questioning gaze. It was as if she wanted to know if yesterday’s kiss had changed him. She would never guess how much, and he feared saying anything would shatter the joy flooding every barren corner of his heart.

  Partway home, he left the trail and headed toward the cathedral of trees. He dismounted and slipped into the clearing, where he sat cross-legged at the center. The sun sent rays of light through the branches.

  He was flooded by memories of his ma worshipping in this spot, intermingled with the more recent memory of Susanne and the children being mesmerized by their experience here. It seemed his life made sharp turns at this place. First, his ma died leaving him confused, then he discovered a different kind of love with Susanne and the children. He lifted his face to the sky as joy flooded his heart. He loved Susanne.

  Dare he hope his feelings were more than dreams? Or that they might eventually be reciprocated?

  He bowed his head to the ground. “Father God.” His prayer went no further. It was enough to acknowledge God’s presence.

  After a bit he sat up again. In a day or two he would finish the seeding though it wouldn’t put an end to going to the farm. Not so long as he needed the corrals. He would not think past the time that would come to an end. He recalled something Maisie had said. “I wonder if the poor girl ever gets to town. If not, she could be getting low on supplies.”

  He knew a way to solve her dilemma, but would it work?

  * * *

  Midafternoon Wednesday he finished seeding, put the equipment away, gave Pat an extra good rubdown with Frank helping, then he sauntered to the house. To all outward appearances he was relaxed and casual, but his insides churned.

  Susanne came to the door and waited.

  He almost forgot his rehearsed speech at the warmth of her smile. “I’ve finished seeding.”

  “I’m grateful. You must be anxious to start work on the horses.”

  He nodded. “I’ll get at it, but tomorrow I am taking you and the children to town.” It was not at all what he’d planned to say and he rushed on. “We need to celebrate having the crop in.”

  Her expression went from surprise to caution to eagerness. “That sounds like a fine idea.”

  “We’ll need to get an early start.”

  “I’ll be ready. I’ll pack a picnic lunch.”

  Her words of agreement eased some of his tension. He would have suggested they go to the small dining room in town but the last time he’d been there with his brothers, there had been a scene because some of the patrons objected to the presence of Indians.

  The children gathered round, tugging at his arms and asking questions.

  “Papa always bought us a candy when he went to town.” Janie’s bottom lip quivered. “Will you buy us a candy?”

  Liz took her sister’s hand. “Papa wouldn’t want you asking that.” Her bottom lip quivered, too.

  Tanner looked at the boys. Robbie sucked his fingers. Frank gazed into the distance.

  Had he made a mistake in suggesting the outing? “If you don’t want to go to town we’ll do something else.”

  Robbie and Janie looked to the older ones for direction.

  Liz and Frank turned to each other, some silent message passing between them. Then Frank, as the oldest, spoke, his words soft yet firm. “We’d like to go to town. It will be fun.”

  The little ones relaxed.

  Tanner was still uncertain. “If I do something or say something that bothers you, you tell me. I don’t want to make things difficult for you.”

  Janie tugged at him and he squatted down to face her. She wra
pped her arms about his neck and hugged him. “You don’t make things hard. You make them easy.”

  He hugged her back, his throat too tight to speak. He hugged Robbie and squeezed both Liz’s and Frank’s shoulders, then pulled his gaze toward Susanne.

  She wiped a tear from her eye.

  He eased the children out of the way and went to her. “What’s wrong?”

  She ducked her head.

  He caught her chin and lifted it so he could see her expression. Her eyes were awash with tears and he groaned. “I’ve made a mess of things, haven’t I?”

  She shook her head but he wasn’t convinced. She pressed her palms to his chest. “Tears aren’t necessarily bad. Sometimes they’re healing. That’s what you’re seeing here. You’ve given the children the freedom to acknowledge their grief. Like Janie said, you make things easy.”

  “Me?” How was that possible? Much of his life his presence had made things difficult.

  She patted her hands on his chest, sending drumbeats through his heart. “Maybe someday you will realize that lots of people appreciate you and recognize your abilities.”

  He wasn’t sure he wanted to wait for someday. He caught her hands and clasped them close. “What are my abilities?”

  Her smile teased. “You captured wild horses that many have wanted to catch. That’s one ability.”

  Shaking her hands slightly, he silently demanded more.

  “You offer help to a poor farm lady. You—”

  Her words were cut off by Frank. “You made me feel important...like a man,” he said.

  “You hug me,” Janie added.

  Liz ducked her head. “You’re nice to me.”

  Robbie wrapped his arms as far around Tanner’s waist as they would go. “You throw me up in the air.”

  Tanner wondered how much of this his heart would take before it exploded. Yet, he wanted more. He wanted to hear from Susanne. He held her gaze, seeking words from her.

  She smiled so sweetly he was sorely tempted to kiss her. “It’s just the way you are...who you are.”

  Funny, she didn’t say anything specific and yet her words were exactly what he needed to hear. She appreciated him for who he was. Something startling and cleansing rushed through him like a hot spring wind driving away the dirty remnants of winter. Something stung his eyes. He nodded in acknowledgment of her assessment, then wheeled around and rushed to the barn.