The Bible, the Old Testament

by Spike Milligan

  The angel said the Lord is well pleased with you.

  “Is that it, then?” said Abraham. And it was.

  67. And Sarah died in the Hebron; when they opened the Hebron, there she was on the floor. Abraham wept and sayeth unto his sons, “Give me a burying place that I may bury my dead out of my sight.”

  “You’ll have to close your eyes,” they said.

  He did and fell in the grave. And his son Isaac said, “Verily, at your age it’s not worth climbing out.”

  68. Abraham was old and the Lord had blessed him in all things; indeed, however, by now Abraham’s things were well worn. And Abraham said unto his eldest servant, “I pray thee, put thy hand under my thigh.” And the servant placed her hand under the thigh of her master. And Abraham said, “The Lord God of heaven, who stopped me frying my son, took me from my father’s house and spake unto me etc., saying, unto thy seed will I give this land; he shall send his angels before thee and then shall take a wife unto my son.”

  “Can I take my hand out now?” said the servant.

  “Thou art a spoilsport,” said Abraham. Then Abraham bowed down before the Lord but it got him in the back. Then Abraham gave all he had unto Isaac including the fish knives and the float in the till. Then he gave up the ghost.

  Isaac told the sons, “He hath snuffed it.” The fees for the cemetery being high they burned him in a cave. “We must brick up the cave,” said Isaac.

  “What for?” said a son. “Nobody wants to get in.”

  “Yes, but we don’t want him to get out,” said Isaac.

  69. Isaac cried out to the Lord because after lots of begatting his Rebekah was barren, and the Lord in-treated of him, and Rebekah conceived. And Isaac was suspicious, but an angel said the Lord works in mysterious ways – and that was one of them.

  70. And, lo, Rebekah delivered twins. The first one came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called him Esau, then came his brother, who was not red and hairy. Isaac was sad and said, “Lord, they don’t match.” They called the second one Jacob. Esau grew up to be a hunter – no woman was safe. Jacob grew up and stayed there. Isaac loved Esau because he ate venison, Rebekah loved Jacob because he was a vegetarian.

  And Jacob sod pottage, it was called so; when he was a child and they were given pottage for breakfast Isaac would say, “Sod pottage.”

  As Jacob ate his sod pottage, Esau said, “I’m hungry, give me a mess of sod pottage and I will give you my birthright.” So Jacob took Esau’s birthright and a postdated cheque.

  71. And woe there was famine in the land. No matter where you looked it was famine. If you lifted up a chair there it was, if you looked under a bed there it was.

  72. And Isaac prostrated himself and said, “Lord, there is famine, there’s even some of it under me.”

  The Lord appeared in a cloud but Isaac couldn’t see Him as he was face down, and the Lord said, “Sojourn in this land, and I will be with thee and will bless thee; and unto thy seed and I will perform the oath which I swore unto Abraham.”

  “Never mind all that,” said Isaac; “what we need is rain.”

  So Isaac went and dwelt in Gerar. Men there asked him of his wife: “She is my sister,” said Isaac. He was frightened to say she was his wife in case they killed him to get at her.

  But one day the king of the Philistines was peering out a window – he liked a good peer – when, yea, he saw Isaac sporting with Rebekah. Well, it looked like sporting. The king was angry and said unto Isaac and Rebekah, “Put your sports clothes on, she is your wife not your sister, one of my men might lightly had lien with her.”

  Isaac turned to Rebekah and said, “Have you been having any light liening?”

  “My lord, nay, I am thine wife,” said Rebekah, and taking his hand placed it on her bosom whereupon Isaac gave it a good squeeze. And the Lord blessed him. Now Isaac sowed the land and in a year received a hundredfold and a rates demand. The Lord blessed him, then blessed him again as it didn’t take the first time.

  And Isaac waxed great, went forward, because that’s where he was going, and he grew until he became very great, eighteen stone, and a hernia – the Lord blessed that too.

  73. It came to pass, Isaac’s servants told him they had dug a well and said, “We have found water.” And Isaac called it Shebah. Everyone else called it water.

  74. And there came the Philistine Army to make peace. Peace on you, they said, and Isaac said, And peace on you. And he made them a feast. And they rose up betimes of a morning and swore one to another, wake up you dozy bastards.

  75. When Isaac was old his eyes were like British Rail employees, dim. The Lord looked into his eyes and said, “Yea, thine eyes look like dim British Rail employees.”

  “Who is there?” said Isaac. “‘Tis I, Esau.”

  “Pray, make a dinner of venison that I may eat and bless you before I die.”

  Rebekah heard this and told her favourite son Jacob, “You must make a meal so you will be blessed first.”

  “But Mother, Father can see the difference. Esau is a hairy man while I am a smooth man,” said Jacob.

  “Let me see,” said Rebekah and, true enough, it was smooth. “Don’t worry.” Rebekah gave him this Gorilla-gram skin.

  Wearing the skin Jacob took a dinner to Isaac.

  “Come, let me feel you,” said Isaac. And he felt.

  “Ow, not there, Father,” said Jacob, rehanging them.

  “Who art thou?” said Isaac.

  “I art Esau, the red and hairy one,” said Jacob.

  “Then why does thou smell like a gorilla?” said Isaac.

  “It is the will of the Lord,” said Jacob.

  Isaac was stricken with wonder as he didn’t know the Lord had left a gorilla in His will.

  76. When Esau, all red and hairy, returned he was knackered. When he heard what had happened, “Woe to my father, he didn’t get a dinner – he got a Gorilla-gram – woe to the man who knoweth not the difference between a dinner and a Gorillagram.”

  And Isaac cursed Jacob, “You little bastard, there will be a curse on your house – the Halifax Building Society.” And he sent Esau to write ‘Burn’ on Jacob’s roof.

  And when Jacob saw it he hid his mother’s eyes that she seeth not ‘Burn’ on the roof. Jacob rose up. “Thou has defiled mine roof.”

  “Ha ha,” said Esau, “wait till you see what’s on the other side.”

  And Jacob goeth to the other side and, lo, there was a four-letter word, and Jacob fled the home and the signs that Esau was making to him.

  77. And Jacob goeth and chose a wife: one of the daughters of Heth.

  “Which one will thou have?” said Heth.

  And Jacob said, “The one with the big tits.”

  And sayeth Rebekah, “Now my sons have gone, what is there for me to do?”

  And Isaac said, “The laundry.”

  And Esau in a red hairy rage did say, “I will kill my brother.”

  And Rebekah said, “Thou must not.”

  “Why not?” said Esau.

  “Because it’s bad for him,” said Rebekah; “ever since he was a little boy he’s hated being killed.”

  78. When Isaac knew what had happened despite the hosepipe ban he raised his eyes to heaven and cried upwards.

  And Rebekah said unto Isaac, “Esau and Jacob leaveth to take wives, woe – what good shall my life do to me?”

  And Isaac, who was eight hundred, said, “You won’t be getting it any more.”

  And Rebekah said thank God.

  79. Jacob went out from Beer-sheba and he lighted upon a certain place and he tarried there, he tarried here, he tarried there, he tarried out the window, he tarried all over the place and, when he’d had enough tarry, using a stone for a pillow he fell asleep, but only with the help of Valium. The Lord worked in mysterious ways and this was one of them. Jacob dreamed of a tall ladder reaching from heaven to earth – at first he thought it was the escalator at Harrods full of Arab shoplifters, but then
he saw they were angels. So Jacob tarried a while, then he got up.

  God said, “Jacob, I’m with thee.”

  Jacob said, “I’m with the Woolwich,” and thought: if God will be with me in this way and will give me bread to eat and raiment to put on, I won’t have to sign on again. Then he took his stone pillow, poured oil on it and said, “This is God’s house, how He gets in is up to Him.”

  80. And it came to pass that Jacob met Rachel at the well; Jacob kissed Rachel and lifted up his voice and wept.

  “Oh, kinky, eh,” said Rachel.

  When Laban heard the tidings of Jacob, his sister’s son, he ran to meet him, embraced and kissed him. “Easy,” said Jacob, “I’m straight.”

  81. And Laban said to him, “Surely, thou art my bone and flesh.”

  “Sorry,” said Jacob, “all my bone and flesh are mine.” And he abode in the house of Laban. Laban had two daughters: Leah, who was tender-eyed but, oh, Jacob saw that Rachel was beautiful and well-favoured, all over. And he, Jacob, had steam in his trousers. Through the steam and the throbbing Jacob spoke unto Laban, “Can I have your daughter’s hand?”

  “You can have the rest as well,” sayeth Laban, “but not until you serve me for seven years.”

  And Jacob said, “Seven bloody years?”

  82. For seven bloody years Jacob shovelled dung on Laban’s fields and he reeketh so that no one would draweth nigh unto him. As he shovelled dung, he could see dear Rachel’s face through it and he was comforted from the waist up.

  83. And Jacob said unto Laban, “My seven years are up.”

  “I wondered what was up,” said Laban. “I thought it was my blood pressure.”

  So there was a wedding feast; before it was over Jacob grabbed Rachel and took her, saying, I feel a honeymoon coming on and was lost in the steam from his trousers. And through the night they begatted.

  84. But woe, at dawn Jacob saw he had not been begatting Rachel, but Leah her sister. Jacob was cast down but eventually got up. “Woe, who has done this to me?” he said.

  “Nobody’s done anything to you,” said Leah, “you’ve been doing it to me; it was the will of my father that this happened.”

  “Where is Rachel?” said Jacob.

  “He was saving her for afters,” said Leah.

  “Wherefore is my Rachel?” said Jacob.

  85. Then Laban explained: “It must not be done to give the younger before the elder. Fulfil her week.”

  So Jacob fulfilled Leah’s week. Then Laban brought Rachel and Jacob started to fulfil her. But Leah conceived Reuben, then she bore Simeon, then Levi, then Judah.

  86. And though Jacob still fulfilled Rachel, she was barren, so Rachel said, will you fulfil my maid, Bilhah -so Bilhah bore a son and Rachel adopted him and said, “I shall call him Dan.” While she was doing that Jacob was doing it to the maid again and she had another boy Naphtali – and the Lord said, “Lo, a football team is nigh.” Then Joseph did it with Leah’s maid, Zilpah, and she had a goalie named Gad, then she had a centre forward named Asher, and now Jacob, who walked with a zimmer, came out. Leah went out to meet him and she saw that owing to his work he wore no trousers and he said, “I have hired thee with my son’s mandrakes.”

  87. “I’m not for hire,” said Leah, “I’m free.” And he lay with her that night, but not for long: he soon started to fulfil her, along came son N°5 Issachar, then N°6 Zebulun; in between, Jacob slept in a wheelchair, from it they lifted him on and off. Next he fulfilled Rachel’s mandrakes and had son Joseph.

  88. And it came to pass that Jacob knocketh off Laban’s cattle, his mandrakes and took his wives and football team with him. The Lord was angry and said, “What are ye doing?”

  And Jacob said, “A bunk.” Whereupon Jacob putteth black pepper on his camels’ bums and they raced away to the land of Coobel-ars.

  89. But Laban rose up and, putting black pepper on his camels’ bums, goeth like the clappers. He caught up Jacob by the Coobel-ars. Laban went in Jacob’s tent, then out of it into Leah’s tent, then into the two maidservants’ tent; but he seeth them not, then he went out of Leah’s tent and into Rachel’s tent, then out of that tent back into Jacob’s tent. Then he seeth a camel with a hot bum and six legs and, lo, two of the legs were Jacob’s.

  “I knowest thou are behind there,” sayeth La ban.

  “So do I,” said Jacob, stepping forth and showing his mandrakes.

  “Are those my mandrakes?” sayeth Laban.

  “Nay,” said Jacob, “the camel ate yours.”

  “Then open that camel,” said Laban in wrath.

  90. “Nay,” said Jacob, clutching his mandrakes. “Yon camel is on a time lock.”

  Then Laban cried out to heaven, “Lord, why hast thou done this on me?”

  And the Lord said, “I haven’t done anything on you.”

  “It must have been the camel,” said Laban.

  CHAPTER IV

  And in time all the souls that came out .of the loins of Jacob were seventy souls. And Jacob died and his wives gave thanks for the rest. And, lo, the children of Israel went into Egypt where there was a higher rate of pay, better working conditions and BUPA. But Pharaoh saw how fast the children of Israel mutiplied – already all the gown shops were Jewish -so he enslaved them, made their lives bitter with hard bondage in mortar, in brick double glazing and pyramid aftersales, but still the children of Israel multiplied finding time to do it in the lunch break and, lo, the lunch breaks grew longer and longer. So Pharaoh sayeth all male babies would be thrown in the river. This would require a mighty throw as the river was a mile away.

  2. The wife of Levi, thanks to a good lunch break, bore a son. “Wrong!” said Levi. “You know very well boys have got to be drowned.”

  “I thought it was bank managers,” she said. That night the wife took the babe to the river and floated him away with some smoked salmon sandwiches.

  “What are they for?” said Levi.

  “He’s a growing boy,” said the wife.

  3. So the babe floated away on a compass bearing of Nor Nor East. It so happened that Pharaoh’s daughter, there being no mains water at the palace, was having a bath in the river on a compass bearing of Nor Nor East, when floating by came the little basket.

  4. “Oh look,” said the princess, “smoked salmon sandwiches. But wait! What’s that next to them; it’s a baby, what’s he doing in there?” And she looked and he had done everything in there. “This is one of the Hebrews’ children; see, he’s had a bit snicked off.”

  And she called him Moses because that was his name. And he grew up as her son with an inside leg measurement of thirty-seven inches, and an area set aside for things. When the tailor asked which side he dressed, he said near the window.

  5. When Moses had grown he went on a day trip to see the Hebrews building a temple and he saw their overseers beateth the shit out of them. He spied an Egyptian smiting a Hebrew, Wallop Thud Kerpow, so he slew the Egyptian and buried him in the sand. And the Lord said, “Moses, what hast thou done?”

  And he said, “I done him.”

  When Pharaoh heard this, he sought to slay Moses, but running like the clappers, Moses fled to a B&B area and a job centre.

  6. And it came to pass that while reading The Oldie the Pharaoh died of boredom and the children of Israel gave a great sigh. God heard their groaning; it kept Him awake all night and He fitteth double glazing. Moses had a flexitime job looking after sheep.

  7A. An angel of the Lord appeared to him in a burning bush.

  “You all right in there?” said Moses.

  God called unto him from the burning bush.

  “How do you do that?” said Moses.

  “It’s better than Paul Daniels,” God said. “Draw not nigh: for this land where thou standest is holy ground owned by the Church Commissioners.”

  So Moses taketh off his shoes and God said, “Verily, thou needest OdorEaters.”

  7B. God went on a bit, then He said, “I am come to deliver the
children of Israel.”

  “It’ll take it out of you,” said Moses; “they have about ten kids a week.”

  “Nay, I am come,” said God, “to take them into the land of milk and honey unto the place of Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, all good Jewish third-division teams.”

  Moses went unto the children of Israel and said, “I will lead you to a land of milk and honey.”

  And they said, “We won’t last long on that, we need protein.”

  8. And the Lord spake unto Moses and his footbath: “Go to Pharaoh and say let my people go or I will smite all thy borders with frogs: the frogs shall come upon thee, verily, frogs will be everywhere, even in private parts.”

  “It soundeth a bit kinky, but I shall do it,” said Moses. So he sayeth it all to the Pharaoh, who called for a psychiatrist’s report. Moses stretched his hand over the waters and, lo, Egypt was covered with frogs and not a French chef in sight.

  Then spoke the Pharaoh from under a hundred and sixty frogs, “Moses, call them off and your people can go.”

  So Moses sprinkled Dettol and the frogs goeth. Moses said unto the children of Israel, “Our people can go.” Some went but some had already been.

  9. And so the children of Israel left Egypt – many Egyptian bank managers committed suicide. And Moses said, “The Lord sayeth for seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, thou shalt not eat leaven bread.”

  “Are chips all right?” said the children of Israel.

  The Lord said unto Moses, “Every firstborn lamb thou shall redeem; if thou will not redeem it, break its neck.”

  “How’s that?” said Moses.

  “When thy son asketh what is that, thou will say it’s a lamb with a broken neck,” said the Lord.

  “What about vegetarians?” said Moses.

  “The same applies, only with a carrot,” said the Lord.

  10. So Moses led the children of Israel into the desert. The Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud and by night in a pillar of fire. It was very distracting. Back in Egypt Pharaoh regretted letting the children of Israel go, there wasn’t a decent tailor in town. He hardened his heart and arteries and, taking six hundred chariots and three aspirins, he set off in pursuit of them. The children of Israel were camping by the sea, then they saw the approaching Egyptians and were sore afraid, some were sorer than others and had to use ointment.