The Bible, the Old Testament

by Spike Milligan

  19. The Lord spake to Moses – they were still on speaking terms. “Tell the children of Israel you shall reap the harvest, give it unto a priest and he will wave a sheaf, and on the morrow he will wave it again.” So for two days the priest waveth the sheaf and he getteth tennis elbow. And the Lord spoke, “Thou shall make a meat offering. There shall be two-tenths deals of fine flour mingled with oil, one small onion, two cloves, one small bunch of parsley, 1 oz pepper, and a tablespoon lemon juice. Put in oven for twenty-five minutes. Sufficient for six persons.”

  So they cooketh as the Lord instructed. They did eat of it and it was bloody awful.

  And the Lord blessed them. He told the children of Israel the fifteenth day shall be a feast of the tabernacles. “For seven days there shall be no servile work.” But the Pakistanis heareth Him not. “Ye shall dwell in booths seven days…I made the children of Israel to dwell in booths.” So they all crammed into booths, but had to come out when somebody wanted to use the phone. The children of Israel liked not living standing up in a booth and, lo, claustrophobia came on the land and final demand phone bills.

  20. The Lord was still on about food. He spoke from a thunderstorm and was badly singed.

  “The Lord’s eyebrows have gone,” Moses told the people. “If only He’d stay in one place.”

  And the Lord sayeth: “Without the vail of the testimony, in the tabernacle of the congregation, shall Aaron order it from the evening unto the morning before the Lord continually.”

  “You’ll have to be clearer than that, Lord,” said Moses.

  21. And it came to pass that the son of an Israelitish blasphemed the name of the Lord. “He’s a twit,” said the son; “a great big twit.”

  And they brought him unto Moses. “You’re a twit too,” said the son, and spat in Moses’ eye, so they putteth the son in a ward where he claimeth to be the king of China. Then Moses, who observeth him through a key, knew the boy was not right.

  “He is of the devil,” said the Lord. “For his sins he must be banished.” So they banished him to Milton Keynes.

  22. “Lord,” said Moses, “tell us of your new laws.”

  And the Lord speaketh, “If any man cause a blemish in his neighbour he shall giveth him his anti-blemish cream; and if he killeth a beast he shall restore it.”

  “What, mouth to mouth?” said Moses.

  “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth; that includes dentures,” said the Lord. “And on the last Sunday of the month, at dawn the trumpet will blow throughout the land.”

  “That’s a bit early. Lord,” said Moses; “we usually have a lie-in on Sunday.”

  “In the year of the jubilee,” said the Lord, “ye shall return every man unto his possessions.”

  “Oi vay,” said Moses, “that means I’ll have to give the hallstand back to the Cohens.”

  “Thou shall gather the fruits of the field and thou shall increase the price.”

  “But Lord, I got a sale on, even at three shekels a kilo they’re not selling.”

  And the Lord blessed Moses; he was like that. Now the Lord spoke from his original Cloud I. “The land shall not be sold for ever for the land is mine, ye are strangers and sojourners with me.”

  Moses fell down and beat his breast, all this time and he knew not that God was his landlord.

  23. “And in all the land of your possession ye shall grant a redemption for the land.”

  Moses rent his garments for his mortgage had but a month to go.

  The Lord said, “If thy brother was waxen poor, and fall into decay, thou shall relieve him.”

  And Moses cried out, “But, Lord, he already owes me money.”

  “And thou will make free and welcome him into your house.”

  It was war to Moses. “Lord, we’ve only one spare room and the mother-in-law is in that.”

  And the Lord spoke from behind Salisbury’s cheese counter: “Ye that farm shall eat all your bread to the full.”

  Moses ate all his bread and felt full and sick.

  “I will give peace in the land and ye shall lie down.”

  “Lie down?” said Moses. “How are we going to get around?”

  The Lord spake, “For I will have respect unto you and multiply you.”

  “Multiply me?” said Moses. “How many Moses do you want?”

  The Lord went on to say, “And I will walk among you, and will be your Lord. It will be a Daily Mirror. exclusive. If thou obeyest not my laws I will smite the children of Israel with consumption, burning ague.”

  “But, Lord,” said Moses, “we have no NHS, we’ll have to go private. My father’s operation for piles cost a fortune.”

  24. The Lord said, “If ye walk contrary unto me, I will bring seven plagues among you. If ye be not reformed by these things, and walk contrary unto me, then I will punish you seven times and if you harm not to me and still walk contrary to me, then so I will walk contrary unto’you.”

  “Oi vay,” said Moses, “all this for not walking.”

  CHAPTER VI

  AND THE LORD NUMBERED THE CHILDREN XJLOF ISRAEL and there were forty thousand and five hundred and they calleth out for proportional representation. The Lord asked the priests to estimate the people and they said a male from twenty unto sixty years, fifty shekels. Moses asked of them and they said seven shekels or near offer. And when a man shall sanctify his home then the priest shall estimate it whether it be good or bad. And, lo, Moses taketh down his ‘For Sale’ sign. And the Lord spake unto Moses, “Number the children of Levi; from a month old and upward shalt thou number them.”

  Using a Biro, Moses numbered them up to twenty pounds.

  2. Then the Lord said, “Moses, Aaron and his sons shall wait on their priest’s office: and the stranger that cometh in the night shall be put to death.”

  “Poor sod,” said Moses. And Moses took the redemption money of those who were over and above at the Nat West. Of the firstborn of Israel he took a thousand, three hundred and threescore and five shekels. And Moses cried as he handed all the money to Aaron, except a call-out charge.

  3. And it came to pass that the children of Simeon did make an offer to the tabernacle of one silver charger, value one hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl, thirty shekels, one golden spoon of ten shekels. Moses beat his breast for only the day before he had seen them all in Cohen’s pawn shop. And they brought for sacrifice one bullock, one ram, one lamb, one goat, two oxen and a partridge in a pear tree. Before they slew the animals they had to wait for a Beth Din Rabbi. Next, for reasons only known to himself, the Lord said, “Take the Levites, and cleanse them. Let them wash their clothes and let them shave all their flesh.” And, lo, there came about six hundred bald heads.

  “Now what. Lord?” said Moses.

  “Hear the voice of the children of Israel.”

  And they crieth out, “Wigs – give us wigs!”

  The Lord spake, “Bring the Levites forward, and the children of Israel shall put their hands upon them.”

  But the children of Israel pulleth back, saying, “We don’t want to catch it.”

  The Lord sayeth, “Lo! The Levites will serve the tabernacle unto their fiftieth year of voluntary redundancy.”

  4A. The Lord spoke unto Moses: “And there were certain men who were defiled by the dead body of a man.”

  “Fear not. Lord,” said Moses. “We bury all our stiffs.”

  The Lord sayeth, “No man shall tarry with a dead body.”

  And Moses said, “I’ve only got my body; it’s not dead yet but I have to tarry with it.”

  “Now,” sayeth the Lord, “on the fourteenth day thou shall eat unleavened bread, they shall none of it nor break any bone of it.”

  “Bones?” said Moses. “Bones in bread, Lord?” And it came to pass that Moses changed his baker.

  4B. On the day of the passover the tabernacle reared up and a cloud appeared over the tabernacle and it deluged with rain.

  “Lord,” said Moses, “do we have to have thi
s rain-cloud?”

  “Yes,” said the Lord, “there’s a hosepipe ban on.”

  By night the tabernacle had the appearance of being on fire, but this was done with cunning strobe lighting by the special effects department. Wherever the tabernacle journeyeth, the cloud goeth as well bringing torrential rain and flooding. The children of Israel cried out in misery. The Lord asked what ailed them, and Moses said, “They are pissed off with the weather, Lord.”

  The Lord spoke unto Moses, “Make thee two trumpets of silver.”

  “Can’t we use brass?” said Moses. “We’re a bit short of money.”

  The Lord heareth him not. “Thou may blowest them for assembly in the camp.”

  “Sort of Butlins?” said Moses.

  “When ye blow the alarm, then the camps that lie on the east side shall go forward. When ye blow a second alarm, the camps that lie on the west side will go forward.” So it came that when the trumpet sounded both sides collideth.

  4C. The Lord spoke to Moses: “In the beginning of your month, ye shall blow with the trumpets over your burnt offerings.”

  “Lord,” said Moses, “why do we have to eat burnt food; for once can’t we grill it?” And when the Israelites complained the Lord God couldn’t take it, the fire of the Lord came amongst them.

  “Lord, Lord,” crieth out Moses, “what are you doing?”

  “I’m sorry,” said the Lord. “I don’t know what came over me.”

  “Look, Lord,” said Moses, “we aren’t insured against arson.” And the Lord quencheth the flames and Moses called in the assessors.

  5. Then there was a hunger on the land. The people called out, “Who shall give us flesh to eat?”

  Lo, it was not safe for plump people to walk abroad at night. “We remember the fish,” they said, “which we ate in Egypt.” Moses remembered it too, it was a Nile perch and weighed six pounds; he also remembered the new potatoes and the onions, with brown gravy. Ah yes, and a bottle of Château Latour.

  6. And Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses for he had married an Ethiopian. “She’s a schwartzer,” said Mirian. “Yes, and me with a daughter just ready for a shidduck!”

  7. And the Lord came down in a pillar of cloud sneezing, sneezing, sneezing and He said to Miriam and Aaron, “Though Moses hath married a schwartzer, thou shall not see her in a bad light.”

  “She’s the same colour in any light,” said Miriam.

  The Lord was wrath. “She is of the same flesh and blood as ours.”

  “Yes, but it’s a different colour,” said Miriam. “He’s married out of the faith; wait till his mother hears about this.”

  With that the pillar of cloud departed and, behold, Miriam became leprous.

  And Moses, from a safe distance, cried out to the Lord. “Heal her now, O God, I beseech thee.” And Moses prostrated himself. And lo, Miriam’s leprosy was cured. “Verily,” said Moses, “it’s amazing what a little grovelling will do.”

  And Miriam in her joy danceth naked before the tabernacle. And, lo, Moses saw that she had big ones, and he praised the Lord for both of them.

  8. The Lord spoke unto Moses, “Send thou men that will search the land of Canaan, not industrial but subur ban.” So Moses sent Joshua and a surveyor and they returned after forty days and nights [why always forty, thought Moses] and told him the land floweth with milk and honey.

  “We’ve had all that before,” said Moses, “but it’s not enough.”

  They went on, “But the tribes are strong, the cities are walled and have a neighbourhood watch…It is a land that catch up the inhabitants, the men are like giants, we were like grasshoppers before them, so we hopped it.”

  “Very funny,” said Moses.

  9. So terrible was the joke that all the congregation lifted up their voice and called, “Bring back Benny Hill,” and Caleb cried, “We were all better off in Egypt.”

  Moses and Aaron fell on their faces, both breaking their noses and smashing teeth.

  “Upsydaisy,” sayeth the Lord.

  The children of Israel were displeased with Moses and Aaron and started to stone them and they runneth like fuck to safety.

  And the Lord appeared in the steam from the laundry: “Moses, whyfore are the people in bad humour after all my signs of goodwill?”

  Moses said, “The council made us take the signs down as unsightly. We’re in a conservation area.”

  The Lord said, “Then the Israelites sinneth, I will punish them according to your word.”

  “What word was that. Lord?” said Moses.

  “No credit given here,” said the Lord. Yea, the Lord was long suffering; doctors said it was lumbago. He said unto Moses, “You and your people shall wander in the wilderness forty years.”

  When Moses told the children of Israel this, they stoneth him again. For the second time he runneth like fuck for cover.

  The Lord said, “Why do the people turn away from me?”

  The children of Israel spoke as one, which took a lot of rehearsing and said, “Lord, thou art suffering overexposure.”

  10. And while the children of Israel were in the wilderness they found a man that had gathered sticks on the Sabbath day, and they brought him to Moses who put him in a ward, not on the NHS but privately, for they knew not what should be done with him.

  And the Lord said, “The man must be surely put to death, the congregation shall stone him.”

  And the children of Israel gathered for a good day’s stoning, but the man sayeth, “I want to see a solicitor.”

  When he did there was a call-out fee; the solicitor sayeth, “He who is without sin cast the first stone.” A wave of disappointment came from the crowd.

  The Lord spake unto Moses from behind a waterfall and collided with a rock. “Moses, your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be worn and wasted.”

  “Oh no, Lord, they don’t do it that much, some only do it part-time; in the day they do aromamassage.”

  11. But it came the children of Israel repented of their ways, and they rose up early and got them up the mountain saying, “Lo, this is bloody hard going.”

  The Lord spoke from behind a wall, but the acoustics were so woeful, he had to pull a brick out and speak through that. “Thou must maketh an offering to the Lord; one offering will be of meat, medium-rare, with chips; and a second offering of wine, preferably a Château Latour 31 BC”

  12. As they wandered in the wilderness some looked for lost golf balls, and the Lord went before them by daytime in a pillar of cloud and in a pillar of fire at night; sometimes, during heavy rain, the pillar of fire went out and had to be relit. One day there earnest Korah with two hundred and fifty of his soldiers and sayeth to Moses, “You promised a land of milk and honey, all we get is a wilderness. We want our mortgage money back.”

  Moses fell on his face and he cometh up without teeth, and the Lord saw and was wrath. “Hear this, they that believeth not, the earth will open her mouth and down you’ll go.”

  And, lo, the earth opened and Korah was swallowed up.

  Moses saw and was in awe. “Jesus Christ,” he said.

  The Lord said, “Hey, that will be a good name for my son. Now watch this.” And there came out a great fire that consumed two hundred and fifty of Korah’s men.

  “Lord, how did you do that?”

  The Lord said, “Just like that.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t like that,” said Moses. But the people were blaming Moses for the death of Korah and his men. He saw the people gathering stones and woe he had the shits; he crieth out to the Lord, the Lord knew it was too late as Moses had already done it. It came to pass, the people gathered at the tabernacle.

  And the Lord spake unto Moses: “Flee this congregation ere I consume it with fire.”

  13. Moses was fearful, there was no insurance cover against fire. He told Aaron, “Quick, take incense among the congregation; the Lord is wrath; the plague is begun.” Aaron runneth like t
he clappers among the congregation with incense; all around the Israelites were snuffing it. Moses stood between the living and the dead.

  “Which are you?” said Aaron.

  And the congregation cried out, “We don’t want incense, we need a doctor.”

  And, behold, the plague ceased. “Just like that,” said the Lord. Fourteen thousand had been killed by the plague.

  “It’s no way to make friends, Lord,” said Moses.

  The Lord told Moses, “Take ye twelve princes of Israel, maketh them to write their names on a rod, then lay them on the tabernacle.” And Moses doeth. After dark he laid the rods on the altar, and reflected they weren’t the only things being laid that night. After a hard night at the Ethiopian, Moses saw of all the rods the one with Aaron’s name on had bloomed blossoms, for he had used rooting powder.

  14. And the Lord said, “Aaron, thou shall keep thy charge and the charge of all the tabernacles.”

  Aaron said, “But Lord, I’m not smoking that stuff any more.”

  The Lord said, “Thou shall offer a meat dish Steak Diane, well done with boiled potatoes and peas, and all the males shall eat thereof. The meal is your heave offering, and this heave shall be unto you.”

  So Aaron got Moses to heave the dinner at him. “Now what, Lord?” said Aaron.

  “The dry cleaners,” sayeth the Lord.

  15. It came to pass that Miriam died and Moses mourned because when he had a confrontation with his Ethiopian woman he would seek comfort with Miriam who laid hands on him. Still, there was always Rebecca with her aromamassage. The Lord appeared and He told Moses, “I am wrath with Aaron. Take him up unto the Mount and strip him.” So Moses stripped Aaron and, lo, he was naked; many women applauded because he hath noble proportions. Moses put Aaron’s clothes on his son, who, screaming, runneth to the nearest tailor.

  16. Aaron dieth of indecent exposure, and his wife Meribah casheth in his policy and goeth on the piss. The Lord was wrath but it didn’t stop her. For Aaron they mourned for thirty days. Moses sayeth, “Aaron is no longer with us; in fact, he’s not with anyone.” And woe there was a drought on the land, the fields were cracked and parched.