The Bible, the Old Testament

by Spike Milligan

  34. When he arrived, it was Cushi, the son of Talal.

  He said unto the king, “All is well, it’s your turn to be king.” And he fell down on the earth on his face, it was another nose job. There cometh a second runner, who dresseth like a gorilla. He telleth the king his son Absalom is dead; it was a tasteless Gorillagram. Then Abishai said to David, “Shall not Shimei [Who?] be put to death because he cursed the Lord’s anointed.”

  “Wait,” said David, “are you a Gorillagram without the skin?”

  “Nay, lord,” he said.

  “No, he shall go free,” said David. “There’ll be no charge at all.” Then he said to Shimei, “Thou shall not die.”

  “Oh, ta,” said Shimei. And Mephibosheth came to see the king. From the day David was dethroned until today Mephibosheth had not washed his feet, shaved his beard, washed his clothes nor had a bath. “Don’t let him near me,” said David.

  35. And Mephibosheth bowed low and said, “I come to serve my lord; what is his wish?”

  David said, “I wish you’d have a bath.” And they useth barge poles and they pusheth Mephibosheth out of the room. Now [here comes another] Barzillai had at one time cooked for David and David said, “Come thou with me, and I will feed thee with me in Jerusalem.”

  And Barzillai said, “I am this day fourscore years old.”

  “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Barzillai, happy birthday to you,” sang David.

  “What crap,” said Barzillai. “Can I discern between good and evil? Can thy servant taste what I taste or what I drink? Can I hear any more the voice of singing men and singing women? Wherefore then should thy servant be yet a burden unto my lord the king?”

  David smote his forehead, “For God’s sake, someone take this bloody bore away.”

  36. And there cometh another little creep, Sheba, son of Bichri. He blew a trumpet, and they said we’ll write and let you know. He said, “We have no part in David PLC: every man to his tents, O Israel [whatever that means].” At that time David took his ten concubines and put them in a ward, he fed them, but went not in unto them, so they were shut up to the day of their death, such was David a Biblical creep. Next, he assembled Joab and Amasa on half pay to go after Sheba, and when they arrived in Gibeon Joab’s garment was girded unto him with his sword. As he went forth it fell out and he said to Amasa, “Art thou in health?” [Why?] Joab took Amasa by the beard to kiss him, and Amasa said, “Hee! None of that, I’m straight.” Then Joab smote him in the fifth rib and he died. And the Lord blessed him, I think He got it wrong.

  37. So Joab and his brother Abishai, both lovely, set off to do a fifth-rib job on Sheba, who was in the city of Thekarzi. So came Joab wearing Chanel N°5, who trappeth Sheba in Thekarzi. Joab bribeth the people of Thekarzi to kill Sheba promising them timeshare money. They goeth, cut off Sheba’s head and tossed it over the wall to Joab, who taketh the catch low down. “Owzat?” he crieth. They throw not the body for on it there beath a donor card for liver and leg transplant.

  38. Then Joab, lovely as ever, blew a trumpet; his dentures flew out, and he crieth out: “Everyone back to his own bed,” and, lo, there cometh cries from many coitus interruptus. When Joab reacheth the frontier, the customs asked, “What dost thou with this head?”

  And he sayeth, “It is a spare.”

  39. There came a famine in the land, and there cometh a hosepipe ban, and David called to the Lord, “My grass, my grain.”

  The Lord speaketh: “This drought for Saul for slaying the Gibeonites.”

  And David said, “Lord, Saul has been dead this many a day.”

  “Yes,” said the Lord, “I’m running a bit late this year.”

  David said to the Gibeonites, “How can I compensate you? I have Access.”

  The Gibeonites said, “We will have no silver nor gold.” And David giveth a sigh, and maketh them put it in writing.

  No, all the Gibeonites wanted was: “Seven of Saul’s sons and we will hang them.”

  “Look,” said David, “make it five and it’s a deal.”

  40. And in time they hanged them before the Lord and two reporters from Private Eye. There came again the Philistines. David and his servants went down, it was silly because the Philistines were up. Among them was the son of giant Ishbibenob and, when David seeth him, his legs goeth, his bottle goeth and finally he goeth. Now in the Philistines was a man with six fingers on each hand, six toes on each foot; he totalleth twenty-four, and when the battle endeth he hath eleven. The Philistines loseth the war after extra time.

  41. Now David commenceth a long, boring grovel to the Lord who is in the flame-resisting burning bush Mark II. “Oh,” he started, “the Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my accountant; Thou savest me from violence. [There went up smoke out of his nostrils and fire out of his mouth with third-degree burns.] He rode upon a cherub, and it collapseth. He made darkness about Him, dark waters and thick clouds of the skies. Visibility was down to ten yards. Before Him coals of fire kindled, cheap, imported Australian brown coal. He drew me out of many waters, mostly heavily polluted. For Thou art my lamp: the Lord will lighten my darkness as will the South-eastern Electricity Board. He maketh my feet like hinds’ feet, so I can’t wear shoes. He setteth me up in high places, like firemen’s ladders. He teacheth my hands to war; so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms, so I have to buy a new one. The rock of Israel spoke unto me, but they that goeth round listening to rocks should be certified.”

  42. But, lo, the Philistines rose again for a return match, and after the battle the Philistine with eleven fingers now had three.

  43. Bursting into song, the Lord decided to kindle against the Israelites; why He chose Israel when there was Milton Keynes? The Lord God told David to call a census, and it came to eight hundred thousand people. David’s heart smote him, and he taketh an angina tablet. Now came Gad the prophet, who often received God’s mail. He spoke to David for the Lord. “Three things; thou must choose one. Do you want seven years of famine, or will you flee three months before thine enemies, or do you want three days’ pestilence in the land?”

  David said, “They are all bloody awful.”

  At this the dear Lord was wrath. He letteth go smoke from his nostrils but it maketh His eyes water. There and then the good Lord sent pestilence upon Israel; David was struck first with haemorrhoids, then there died seventy thousand from the Good Lord’s pestilence. And when the angel of the Lord stretched out his hand to destroy Jerusalem, the Lord repented him of the evil (Aww!) and said, “It is enough.”

  “You’re bloody right, it’s enough,” said the Israelites.

  44. Then David started Biblical grovelling. “Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly, but what have these sheep done?”

  “They’ve crapped all over the meadow that’s what,” said the Lord.

  “Let Thine hand be against me and my father’s house, which is still under offer,” said David, pushing his haemorrhoids back in.

  Gad sayeth to David, “Go, put an altar on Araunah’s threshing floor for fifty shekels,” but he put it through the company books as ‘Lunch with foreign buyer’. And the plague stopped, but David had to continue with the suppositories.

  CHAPTER XIII

  Now King David was very old, and stricken with years. They covered him with clothes, but he gat [yes, gat] no heat; he was at sixty degrees Fahrenheit, so his physician said, “Go, find a young virgin and let her lie with the king that he may get heat.” And they found Abishag, and she lay with the king; but, woe, he getteth not heat, it all stayeth hanging down, so they bringeth him hot water bottles that they placeth thereon. While he lieth with it all shrivelled up there cometh a claim on the throne from Adonijah, but David had already made a will leaving the throne and silver fish knives to his son, Solomon.

  2. There came Bathsheba, the mother of Solomon, unto David and she said, “Let my lord king David live for ever.”

  And he sayeth, “I’ll do my best.” Hurr
ying to take over the throne and fish knives cameth Solomon on a souped-up mule (they putteth curry powder under the tail), and the people receiveth him with great joy so that the earth rent with the sound of them; many fell in. Nathan the prophet sayeth, “Make Solomon the throne and the fish knives are great in the Lord.” And David bowed himself on the bed and getteth stuck there.

  God sayeth, “I will make Solomon’s throne greater than yours.” And they started by putting it up on bricks.

  3. Now David drew nigh to death and he sayeth to Solomon, “Be strong, show thyself to be a man, but do not show too much or thou shall be arrested.” Meantime, Adonijah, pretender and creep, asketh Bathsheba to asketh Solomon if he could marry Abishag as he needeth more heat. Bathsheba goeth to ask the king; he caused a seat be set for her – she sat on his right hand, the other one was free.

  4. King Solomon sneezed and the throne came off its bricks. He sayeth to Bathsheba, “Why doth Adonijah wish Abishag for a wife? Knoweth he not she hath no heat? It is too late; I have sentenced Adonijah to death.”

  “That could proveth fatal,” said Bathsheba, trying to raise a laugh.

  And Adonijah heard the news and he and his ass fled. Solomon set Benaiah after him; and he fell on him and he died. Then Solomon was told that little shit Joab was hiding in the tabernacle. Solomon said to Benaiah, “Go, fall on him.” And he fell on him and he died. The king put Benaiah in a B&B to await the next assassination.

  5. And they brought before Solomon Shimei, and Solomon shook him by the lapels and, lo, they came off.

  “Thou knowest all the wickedness thou did to my father David.” The servants of Solomon then hurled Shimei through a plate glass window; hardly had he landed when Solomon called Benaiah: “Go, fall on him.” So Benaiah went to fall on him, but missed and Benaiah said unto Solomon, “Falling on them doesn’t kill them so easily, I had to lay on Adonijah for two days before he snuffed it. Can I use a club?” So he goeth forth and he sayeth unto Shimei, “Would you like to join my club?” then hit him with it.

  6. Now Solomon made affinity with Pharaoh king of Egypt. Solomon showed him the riches of Israel, the fish knives and fifty shekels in loose change. He seeth the Pharaoh’s daughter and she giveth off a lot of heat. The Lord came parked outside in a pillar of cloud. “What wouldst thou?”

  7. Solomon grovelleth and sayeth, “O Lord my God [full title], Thou hast made thy servant king instead of David my father.”

  “That’s because he’s dead,” sayeth the Lord.

  Solomon sayeth, “I am but a little child. I know not how to go out or come in.”

  “You must be thick,” sayeth the Lord. “All you do is open the door, go out, turn round and come back in.”

  “Oh thank you, Lord,” grovelled the little creep, “thou givest away state secrets.”

  8. There came unto Solomon two-women and a child and they both claimeth the child as theirs, and Solomon [my brain hurts] said, “Give me a sword. I will split the child in two and you can have half each.”

  And one woman sayeth, “No, give the other woman the child.” And Solomon knoweth her to be the mother. He knoweth not how to go out or come in, but he could recognise the real mother. All Israel heard of the judgement and that the wisdom of the Lord was in him. Meanwhile, he practised walking in and out of doors.

  9. Now there were princes in the land – Azariah, son of Zadok, Elihoreph and Ahiah, sons of Shisha, Benaiah, son of Jehoiada – they all went on to be clues in Daily Telegraph crosswords. Now Israel dwelt safely, every man under his fig tree. If thou travelled there you’d see thousands of men standing under fig trees, if they stood under a banana tree they were disqualified. And God gave Solomon wisdom and largeness of heart; for this latter condition he had a bypass. He spake three thou sand proverbs. “A stitch in time saves nine,” he said. His songs were a thousand and five; none made the charts.

  All people came to hear his wisdom. “Let sleeping dogs lie,” he said, and they murmured in awe at his wisdom.

  “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear,” he said.

  Here was wisdom.

  10. He gave two shows at the palace each day, a matinee at five and the late show at eight. His agent said, “You’re wowing them, Solly boy.”

  He used to start with: “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink,” and finish with “A fool and his money are soon parted.” King Hiram of Tyre sent Solomon presents, for Hiram was ever a lover of David, it just didn’t get in the papers, that’s all.

  11. When alone Solomon spoke of trees; he spoke of hyssop that ‘springeth out of walls’. He spoketh of beasts and of fowl, and of creeping things, of fishes, of songbirds that goeth tweet tweet.” And his psychiatrist sayeth, “You’re not getting better, Solly.”

  12. Now Solomon wished to build a temple for the Lord and getteth Hiram to send him cedar trees, and starteth the destruction of the cedars of Lebanon. In exchange, Solomon giveth Hiram many measures of wheat, twenty measures of pure oil and fifty packets of crisps. When the temple was finished it was dedicated by the priests, but the Lord filled the house with cloud, and they all stumbled and crasheth into each other. And Solomon gropeth his way to the altar, and blessed the congregation, and the Bradford & Bingley. But when the cloud cleared there was no one there. And Solomon spread forth his hands towards heaven, but they wouldn’t reach. To further ingratiate himself with the Lord, he offered up two and twenty thousand oxen and a hundred and twenty thousand sheep – after that there was bugger-all left. For seven days they feasted and they goeth home fulfilled and a stone heavier. The Sabbath day Solomon knelt before the altar with his hands raised towards the sky. When he goeth to rise his knees seizeth up and they taketh him away in a wheelbarrow.

  13. To the accompaniment of the Lord playing the bellows on a bagpipe, Solomon said, “If there be famine, if there be pestilence, mildew, locust, or if there be caterpillar, or plague; if the enemy besiege thee, the most harmless plague of these is the caterpillar.” And they all gave thanks unto the Lord.

  The Lord now spake from a volcano with scorched legs. “Hear, O Israel, thou shall know every man the plague in his own heart.” [Heart plague, a rare Biblical disease caused by standing under fig trees.] And it came to pass that Hiram sent Solomon sixscore talents of gold, and straightaway Solomon put them in the futures market.

  14. Now Pharaoh king of Egypt had attacked Gezer, set it on fire and slain the people. He then gave it as a present to his daughter, who was Solomon’s wife. She sayeth unto her father, “Thank you for giving me a burning city full of dead people.”

  15. When the queen of Sheba heard of the fame of Solomon walking in and out of doors, she journeyed to see him to prove him with hard questions like, “Why doth the chicken cross the road?”

  And he sayeth, “A fool and his money are soon parted.” And she looketh at him in wonder and sayeth, “I knew not that’s what maketh a chicken cross the road.”

  Then he really turned on: “Old soldiers never die, they only fade away,” he said. He clapped his hands and a servant came forth and showed her the fish knives, and she saw the mark of the Lord on them, EPNS. And she returneth home full of wisdom with Solomon’s last words ringing in her ears, “You can’t dresseth mutton as lamb.”

  16. A little environmental snippet. And the king made of the almug tree pillars for the house of the Lord.

  There came no more almug trees, nor have any been seen unto this day. The erosion of the planet had started – with Solomon the Wise. King Solomon loved many strange women: the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Hittites and Battersea. At the last count, he had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. It was nearly worn away and he taketh steroids, and he taketh down the ceiling mirrors.

  17. Solomon the Wise wanted something different, so he worshippeth Ashtoreth, the kinky goddess of leather accessories. Then he got in deep. He built an altar to Chemosh [Who?], the abomination of Moab. He made burnt offerings to it
– steak, chips, beans on toast.

  There was no end to the degradation and the Jewish Chronicle wrote, “Solomon and wives go kinky in Chem osh ritual, police arrest thirteen.” The Lord was wrath and His pillar of cloud goeth all squiggley and He calleth out, “Solomon, Solomon, what has thou done?”

  And Solomon sayeth, “Well, now that you’ve asked me, I’ve done seven hundred wives, three hundred concubines and Doris.”

  The Lord sayeth, “Has thou told the Guinness Book of Records?”

  18. And the Lord stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite. After this brief mention Hadad the Edomite disappears from the Bible.

  19. Apart from bronchitis the only threat to Solomon was Jeroboam, who went on to become a measure of champagne. He was coming out of Jerusalem, and there came a loony prophet, Ahijah, who found himself in the way. He was clad in a new garment and Ahijah caught the new garment and rent it in twelve pieces; you could see everything. The loony then said, “Take thee ten pieces: thus sayeth the Lord of Israel. Behold, I will rend the kingdom out of the hand of Solomon, ha-ha-ha-ho-ho-ho-he-he-he.”

  Jeroboam watched as the attendants put on his strait-jacket. Solomon sought to kill Jeroboam with an attack of death, and Jeroboam fleeth like the clappers to Egypt, and he hath a laundry problem.

  20. About now king Solomon died; on his death certificate, cause of death, wives. At the funeral the wives threw themselves on the grave and it caveth in and they hath to start all over again. To decide who was to be king they had a raffle. It was won by Rehoboam and he getteth the throne and the fish knives.

  He said to the people, “My father made your yoke heavy; he also chastised you with whips.”

  “He was kinky,” said a voice.

  “I,” said Rehoboam, “will chastise you with scorpions.”

  “He’s kinky too,” said a voice, and the people goeth to their tents in gloom.

  To cheer them up Rehoboam sent a joker to soothe them and he sayeth, “Hello folks, you know what a Jewish dilemma is? Pork chops at half price.” And all Israel stoned him with stones and he died.