For the Sake of the Secret Child

by Yvonne Lindsay

Underneath her, she felt his body tense; his hands stilled their gentle stroking. She waited for his response. For the words that would answer her declaration. But only silence hung in the air surrounding them.

  Regret pierced her like a frozen arrow. It didn’t matter what she did, or said, he would never let her past the barriers he’d built between himself and the world. Mia rolled off him and moved to the edge of the bed, pulling the covers up over her. Ben shifted to lie behind her, his body spooning hers. But the physical warmth that emanated from him couldn’t touch the cold, lonely place in her chest where her heart had beaten for him.

  Fourteen

  Her words were still in his head in the morning as he eased himself from the bed and went into the bathroom to shower.

  I love you, Ben.

  It had shocked him to realize how much her words had meant to him, and he knew she’d expected something in return. She’d deserved far more than the silence he’d given her. But love? He didn’t even think he was capable of love anymore. He certainly didn’t deserve it. Not from her. She deserved so much better—deserved a man undamaged by life who could give her every gift of his love.

  He’d thought it would be enough to make her world right again, ensure that she and Jasper were provided for. But now he understood why she’d been so offended by his gift earlier. That wasn’t what she wanted from him—she wasn’t interested in gifts that money could buy. What she wanted was his love. And he wasn’t sure he could give it.

  I love you, Ben.

  The words cascaded over him like the hot water of the shower jets. He let his head rest on the shower wall, allowing the water to flow down his back. Since his crash he’d existed in a state of alternating anger and frustration, both directed very firmly at himself. He’d taken unnecessary risks, and he’d paid the price. But now, it seemed, everyone around him had to pay the price, too, even Mia.

  She was a great mother to Jasper and she deserved the chance to have more children if she wanted to. With him she didn’t even have that choice. She might say she loved him now, but what of the future? It wasn’t as easy as he’d thought it would be all along—simply transplanting her into his world, his life. Now that he understood what drove and motivated her, he wondered how she could continue to love him if he ripped her away from everything she held dear—everything she’d worked so hard for.

  She had a purpose here, one he finally understood. He’d scoffed when she’d said she’d changed from the girl he’d first met. But he’d been an arrogant fool. She’d changed far more than she realized. Become a woman worthy of the kind of love and support a proper husband should give her. But he didn’t have it in him to be that man, which meant only one thing. He had to let her go. He had to return to Isla Sagrado without her, without Jasper. It was the only way he could live with himself.

  And if the curse proved to be true after all—if he was punished for his failure to treat her with the honor, honesty and love that she deserved—well, he could only hope that his respect for his family and his determination to have their wishes honored, even if he’d failed, would be enough to satisfy the governess. He’d finally admitted the truth to himself about his failings, and while he didn’t deserve Mia’s love, perhaps the fact she thought him worthy of it would be enough.

  But despite all his rationalizations, Ben knew he would be breaking her heart when he left, and that knowledge cut him deep. Still, he was certain she’d be better off without him. And that was the only thing that gave him the strength to make this choice.

  He snapped off the shower faucets and stepped out of the stall, drying himself swiftly. The condensation cleared rapidly on the heated bathroom mirrors and he was faced with his own reflection, his eyes riveted on the external evidence of the damage wrought on his body by his own stupidity. He’d robbed himself of the future he’d always believed would be his. He couldn’t do the same to Mia.

  Ben went silently into the bedroom, quickly dressed and let himself out of the room. He’d tell her of his decision later today, when Jasper was at day care. The preschool was having a farewell party for Jas, but he couldn’t stop that. Suffice that Jas would be back there on Monday again, after the weekend. He hoped that it wouldn’t confuse the little boy too much, and he reminded himself that children were resilient and adapted to change far more easily than most adults.

  As he closed the bedroom door behind him he cast a lingering look over the woman who had given him so very much—pleasure of unspeakable heights, her love, his son—and he knew he was doing the right thing for them all.

  Mia stared at Ben in total shock. Her skin felt too tight for her body, her face frozen, her hands clenched into fists.

  “You what?”

  “You heard me, Mia. I’ll be leaving for Isla Sagrado on my own tomorrow. It’s for the best.”

  “For the best? What on earth are you talking about? We’re married, husband and wife, we’re supposed to be together, aren’t we? And what about Jasper? Do you honestly mean to say that after everything you’ve done to prove he’s your son, and in marrying me, that you’re going to just walk away from us?”

  She heard her pitch rise higher and higher, heard the wobble in her voice that foretold of the tears burning at the back of her eyes, but she could control none of it. All she knew right at this moment was that the man she loved, the father of her son, had told her he was leaving without them.

  In that moment all her scruples about leaving New Zealand vanished. What had she been thinking, living her life as if all that mattered was redeeming the past? The past was over and done with, and nothing she did could change that. The only thing that mattered now was finding a life that could make her happy and seizing on to it with everything she had. For her, happiness meant spending the rest of her life with the man she loved. Was the chance of that now gone forever? What had happened to make him change his mind so abruptly?

  She’d slept late this morning and so had Jasper, and it’d been a mad dash to get him ready on time for his last day at day care. Once she’d waved him off on the boat with Elsa she’d gone to her office to finalize some paperwork, and that’s where Ben had found her half an hour later.

  Her life had seemed so normal a few moments ago—now it was spiraling crazily out of control. She stared in disbelief at the man she’d married. The man who’d turned into a total stranger before her very eyes.

  “I’ve made my decision. I’m not changing it, Mia. You should be happy.”

  “You’ve made your decision?” She shook her head in disbelief. “We’re married, Ben. You can’t just walk away from that.”

  “We can remain married, until you meet someone else.”

  His face remained impassive, but she saw a swiftly veiled hint of pain reflected in the depths of his eyes.

  “Until I meet someone else,” she repeated, her voice flat. “I told you last night that I love you, Ben. I don’t want anyone else, and nor does Jasper. He loves his daddy, too. You can’t do this to us.”

  “It’s for the best. In time, I’m sure you’ll see that.”

  Ben remained adamant, his arms crossed over his torso, his feet firmly planted shoulder-width apart—holding his metaphorical ground against her, if not his physical one.

  “Why? Why are you doing this to us?”

  Her voice finally broke and the dam holding back her tears did so, also. They slid, unchecked, down her pale cheeks. Ben’s face twisted, and he looked away and took a deep breath. When he spoke his voice was painstakingly controlled.

  “I was wrong to treat you as I did—with no consideration for you or your dreams and hopes for the future. I shouldn’t have tried to take those opportunities away from you. I have no place in that future. You deserve to achieve everything you set out to do. At least now that can happen.”

  But you’re doing the same thing now! Mia wanted to shout at him, but she knew the words would fall upon deaf ears. He had made up his mind and now he was leaving. If he’d offered her the same opportunity a couple of we
eks ago she would have grabbed at it with both hands—but right now she felt as if her life was being torn in two.

  “What about your grandfather? What about the curse you told me about?”

  “I will explain it all to Abuelo. My—” he hesitated a moment and swallowed before continuing “—infertility, everything. He has a great-grandson, I hope that is enough for him to understand that his obsession with the curse was just that, an obsession and not the truth. If not, well, he’s an old man and can be forgiven for some irrationality from time to time.”

  “So that’s it, then?” Mia couldn’t believe his words. Not after everything they’d gone through to get to this point. “Sí. I will stay in a hotel in Queenstown tonight and be at the airport early tomorrow for my flight. Don is waiting with the boat for me now. My luggage is already on board and I’ve taken the liberty of having your and Jasper’s things moved back into your apartment. I’m sure the sooner you both settle back into your old routine the better for everyone.”

  Her head whirled. He’d planned that far ahead already? Only yesterday they were going to undertake this journey together, and now he was leaving without them? She struggled for something to say, anything that would hold him here for a moment longer—anything that might give her a chance to make him change his mind.

  “Will you at least say goodbye to Jasper before you leave?”

  “I think it’s best if I don’t. He might be upset and he’ll adjust faster the sooner I’m not here, I’m sure. There’s one favor I would ask of you, though. I will understand if you don’t wish to grant it but I beg of you, please bring Jasper to Isla Sagrado for his third birthday. My family has missed his birth and two birthdays already. I will arrange everything for you from my end and I would be grateful if we could all be together for the occasion.”

  “You could have us there permanently, Ben. We could be leaving with you tomorrow.”

  “No, I can’t do that to you, Mia. I’ve been a selfish fool. At least allow me this—let me give you your life back, the life you deserve.”

  Mia’s throat closed on the lump of emotion that swelled there, and as Ben turned to go she reached out and grabbed him by the arm.

  “So, this is it? Won’t you even kiss me goodbye?”

  He shook his head and gently uncurled her fingers from his arm.

  “Mia, I know how much this is hurting you. I have no wish to prolong your pain for any longer than absolutely necessary. I will let you know when I arrive back on Isla Sagrado. Perhaps you’ll let Jasper talk to me online from time to time, so he doesn’t forget me completely?”

  Mia pushed her fist to her lips, afraid that if she opened her mouth something that sounded completely inhuman would come out. Incapable of words, she nodded, then watched helplessly as Ben walked away. Taking her broken heart with him.

  “What do you mean he’s gone?” Elsa asked, her voice confused.

  “Just that, Mom. He’s going back without us. He doesn’t want us anymore.”

  “I’m sure that’s not true,” her mother said. “He might not know it or even want to admit it, but I’m sure he loves you. Can’t you follow him?”

  “And what? Face his rejection again? Even I can only take so much, and it’s not as if I only have myself to consider.”

  Mia looked across the room to where Jasper played with his toys, totally and happily absorbed in his imaginary world.

  “Have you told him yet?”

  “No, I can’t bring myself to, not when I still feel so raw myself. Maybe tomorrow. He’ll probably start asking questions by then.”

  Elsa rose from her seat at the dining table where she and Mia had both merely chased their dinner around their plates. She bent to give her daughter a hug.

  “What am I going to do, Mom?” Mia asked, her voice fracturing on the words.

  “Take each day as it comes, my darling. It’s the only thing you can do.”

  With her mother’s words ringing in her ears, Mia readied Jasper for bed, going through the motions without really paying attention. By the time she slid into the sheets of her own bed, in her own room, she knew that sleep would be the last thing to happen tonight. Her mind replayed that final scene with Ben, over and over, and tears slid unheeded from her eyes, soaking into her pillow.

  Morning brought no ease to her sorrow and Mia found herself watching the skies for a glimpse of the private jet that would be taking off any time now and taking Ben back to Isla Sagrado. After giving Jas his breakfast she decided to take him with her over to the hotel, so she could finalize arrangements for a group booking of writers from Australia due to arrive early next week on a retreat. She’d have her full complement of staff back on deck come Monday, and she wanted to be sure everything would be spot on for the group when they arrived.

  She was intercepted by Elsa and Don, who suggested they take Jasper to the Queenstown Gardens and lunch in town. While she would have preferred the distraction of his company, Mia agreed. At least it would mean it would be that much longer before he started asking questions about Ben. The prospect of being alone with her thoughts was a daunting one, but in her office she threw herself into the itinerary, complete with spa sessions, for the incoming group.

  She’d been working for about an hour when a sound outside her office distracted her. She paid it no mind, knowing that the cleaners were due to give the admin area a bit of a spruce-up this weekend before the hotel resumed its usual operations, and she didn’t even lift her head when she heard the knock at her office door.

  “Come in,” she said absently.

  Briefly she wondered who on earth would be bothering her today—her office had already been vacuumed and dusted and her plants watered. She wasn’t even supposed to be here, let alone working. She was supposed to be on her way to Isla Sagrado, she reminded herself with a sharp pang of regret.

  “Back to work, already?”

  Ben’s deep voice resonated on the air, making her stop in her work and lift her head in a sharp movement. She couldn’t believe her eyes. He stood in front of her—large as life and, despite the hollows under his eyes, twice as gorgeous. She forced herself to take a breath, and then another one, while her hands gripped the edges of her desk. She hardly dared to move in case he’d disappear like an apparition.

  “Mia, are you okay?” Ben moved swiftly around the desk and pulled her to her feet. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shock you.”

  “You’re back,” she stated blankly.

  “Querida, I couldn’t leave.”

  Words still failed her, but the warmth of his hands holding hers was unbelievably real.

  “I’ve been a complete fool. I thought I could walk away from you, let you have your life back. But I’m so much more selfish than that. I don’t want to let you go. I want you and Jasper in my life every day, not just for visits every so often throughout a year, and I’ll be damned if I let anyone else have you either.”

  Mia finally found her voice. “Why did you go? I told you I love you, Ben. How could you leave me, us, like that?”

  He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them she could see the deep remorse reflected in them.

  “I never wanted to cause you more pain. In my arrogance I thought it would be best for us to break cleanly, before you learned to hate me all over again.”

  “Ben, I’ve never hated you. I could never—”

  “I know that—I understand now. Love isn’t like that, is it?” He gave her a rueful smile. “I was afraid to love you. Afraid that one day you’d regret marrying me and wish for more than I offered you. More children, raising them here at Parker’s Retreat, your work. I thought it would be an easy thing to walk away and leave you to your world, but I am a weak man, Mia. I want it all. I want you, I want Jasper—I want us to have a life together.

  “I didn’t want to love you, to open myself up to being vulnerable to you.” He shook his head. “How could I have been such an idiot? I thought I was undeserving of your love, that I wasn’t strong
enough—man enough. But from the moment I left here yesterday I hurt—a pain far worse than I endured after my accident—and it is the kind of hurt that I know I will bear for the rest of my life, unless you can forgive me for being such an idiot, for hurting you so badly.”

  Mia gripped Ben’s hands tightly, afraid to let him go in case they’d somehow lose this precious connection between them. A connection she wanted with all her heart. “Ben, there’s nothing to forgive. I love you. I will always love you. I don’t care if we can’t have any more children. Okay, to be totally honest, and you deserve my total honesty, I am sorry that we can’t give Jasper a brother or sister but I can accept that if I have you. We have a beautiful, strong and healthy son. He’s a gift for us both, all the more precious because he will always be our only child. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully understand what drove you away from us—I’m just glad you’re back.”

  She reached up and pressed her lips to his, kissing him with both the pent-up love inside her and relief that he had returned. When Ben broke their kiss and leaned his forehead against hers they were both breathing unevenly.

  “I’ve learned a powerful lesson, Mia. I always thought a man’s strength was tied into his masculinity. In his prowess as a male of the species and all that it entailed. It’s part of what drove me to test myself more every time I tried something—physically, mentally, emotionally. And each time I’d succeed, I’d convince myself I was that much stronger, that much better as a man. Until my accident. It made me accept that when all is said and done, I’m only a man. A man with failings—even more so now as a result of that crash.

  “We have a creed in our family—‘Honor, Truth, Love.’ They’re the very words the governess cursed us to learn to uphold three hundred years ago and I’m ashamed that not even nearly losing my life made me grasp just how important that ethos, and living it, is. It took nearly losing you to make me appreciate just how important those words are to me, to my life—to our life together.