by T. D. Jakes
Todd’s breathing was his only response.
“I know it’s been a long time coming, Todd. I’m praying that it’s not too late.” Michelle paused, but when he didn’t say anything, she pressed forward. “It’s pointless to make excuses. I did what I did. I have to live with that. That doesn’t mean that I don’t apologize. I do. I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart. But I can’t change the past. What I want to do is to grab hold of the present. I don’t want to let it slip through my fingers—I don’t want to continue to throw it away. I want to do whatever I have to do to make sure that there is love in our future.
“Todd, there are no excuses. What I learned while I’ve been away—really just in the last few days—is that I didn’t know anything about love. All I knew about love was what I saw other people do and what I saw on TV. The people that I saw were mean to each other and didn’t trust each other. They talked bad to each other and used each other, and then they left—even my father. That was my image of love. Love was seeing someone across the room and liking his face, his body, or the jewelry he wore. That’s all I knew about love—that’s all I knew about love between a man and a woman.”
She sighed. “Anything other than that I learned from Miz Ida, but in my mind that was ‘grandmother love.’ Grandmother love didn’t have anything to do with men and women. What I had seen, what I thought was love, made me not trust anybody, especially not men. I think that’s even why I had a hard time trusting and believing God. No man on earth had ever loved me or wanted to take care of me—before you. Why should I believe God was any different from men? They just wanted something from me—my body, my money. It seemed like that was all that God wanted—my money.”
Michelle closed her eyes. Please, God, please give me the words. Give me the strength I need to be soft and vulnerable. Soften and heal Todd’s heart. Please . . . don’t let me be too late. “Then you came into my life. Here was this handsome, intelligent man who loved me and wanted to take care of me. Here was this man who could make me feel things that no other man had ever made me feel. It scared me, Todd. I didn’t know whether you just knew the tricks better than all the other men. It scared me to think that you might be fooling me, making me think you loved me so that you could use me just like everyone else in my life. I had never met anyone like you. I did things to make you leave and you wouldn’t go. Part of me thought, He loves me and he’s never going to leave. The other part of me thought, He’s either trying to play me or he’s just too stupid to get it.
“So I just ran. I could feel myself falling in deeper. I could feel that I was getting in over my head and I ran. That’s all I knew. That’s all I had ever been taught.”
Todd cleared his throat. “Michelle, you don’t have to say all this. It’s late and . . . you don’t have to say all this.”
“Yes, Todd, I do. Even if I’m too late, I still need to say it. I need to tell you that you are a good, decent, and honorable man. I need to tell you that you were the only man in my life that ever made me feel whole. Only I didn’t know what wholeness was until God showed me—until I let God love me first.
“Todd, I have a friend at work—isn’t that funny to think about me having a woman for a friend? Well, she’s my friend and she’s been helping me, Todd, for no other reason than she wants to be my friend. That’s hard for me to believe. Your life has been different from mine and you may not understand it, but it amazes me that she wants to be my friend, and that she talks nice to me.
“And we have another friend, too. A man named Shadrach who has been helping us, kind of coaching us. It has been an amazing season in my life.
“Anyway, my friend—Tonya is her name—gave me this Bible, and I’ve been reading it. The other night I was reading it in bed and I turned to this chapter she had told me about. Well, she called this chapter the ‘love chapter’—First Corinthians chapter thirteen. I started reading it and all I could see was you. I know you probably know the chapter already, Todd, but let me read it to you.” She opened her Bible and began to read.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
“Todd, when I read it all I could see was your face. You weren’t crazy, Todd. That’s what I kept thinking. Todd was right! You were loving the way God says we’re supposed to love. You were giving me real love. It was you—patient and kind. You stuck by me and were kind even when I was acting a fool. None of the people I had ever seen, not even on TV, were patient and kind to their lovers. It was you—it does not boast, it does not envy, it is not proud. Todd, you are a humble, selfless man. I never knew that humility was a part of love.
She continued reading.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
“Todd, this was saying that everything that I had learned about love wasn’t true. The women and men I saw were always arguing, calling each other names, cutting each other down—I thought that was a part of love. The men and women I saw were always trying to get their own way, trying to use each other to pay bills, to buy cars, to get whatever they wanted—I thought manipulation was a part of love. The men and women I saw were always getting mad at each other. That was part of the love dance—or I thought it was, but God says that isn’t love. The men and women I knew were always arguing and not forgiving. It was like they were keeping a scorecard. Remember when you hurt me back in 1998, so you owe me—I thought that was love.”
Michelle fought to keep herself from crying. She had to get this all out. She had to tell Todd everything, she didn’t know if she would ever have the courage to try again. She went on reading.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
“Todd, in all the love I saw between men and women, one or the other was happy when something bad happened to the person they were supposed to love—because they were bearing a grudge. They wanted them to get payback. I even wanted my own mother to get payback. Everybody was that way except for you. And Miz Ida. But you were the only man I knew who was happy with the outcome as long as truth won. I never saw a love where the man and women were protecting each other, or covering each other. The people I saw were always looking out for Number One, except for you. You were loving like God loves. No matter what happened, even with Trench, you never gave up on me, you never lost faith in me. You always hoped that things were going to get better, that I was going to get better.
“Todd, you have loved me no matter what. I needed God and the Bible to reassure me that what you were doing was real—that it was God’s kind of love.”
“Michelle, really. I wish you would stop.” Todd’s voice sounded like he was crying—or like he was trying to keep from crying. “It’s enough.”
“No, it’s not enough, Todd. Because I never knew a love that didn’t fail until I met you. Every other love in my life, until Miz Ida, failed me. You were the only man in my life that didn’t fail me. It took God to show me that.”
Todd cleared his throat. “What about Trench, Michelle? I love you, yes. But I can’t take it anymore. I can’t. I don’t want to get back together—I don’t even want to think about it until the Trench thing is over.”
Michelle almost sang the next verses that she read.
When I was a child,
I talked like a child,
I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man,
I put childish ways behind me.15
“These last few weeks, Todd, I’ve grown up. All this time, I’ve been just a little scared, confused little girl in a woman’s body. I’ve been talking to you like I was a child. I’ve thought like a child and tried to figure out what was going on in our lives with the idea
s I learned as a child. I just grew up, Todd. You married a child, but now, I’m a woman. God has done more than save me, He has had compassion on me and taught me so that I could renew my mind. All the childishness, Trench included, is behind me. And I’m praying that what the Bible says is true—that true love, God’s love, the kind you have for me—never fails.”
There was no point in stopping now. She had to stand in front of him naked and unashamed. “Todd, I want to come home.”
Miz Ida didn’t know if she was going to get any more sleep that night. She sat up and turned the light on. “Honey, I prayed for it. You know I did. I prayed that someday this day would come. I just . . . as many times as it happens, it still overwhelms me to see answered prayers.”
Michelle sounded very calm. “Miz Ida, he didn’t say it was all over. We’ve still got a lot to talk about.”
“I never thought I’d live to see the day—it just makes an old woman’s heart feel good! My God! My God! People always talking about diabetes and blood pressure, but only God can heal a broken heart.”
“We still have a ways to go.”
“And God, my sweet baby Michelle—no, Michelle, you mighty woman of God—He’s with you every step of the way.”
Miz Ida hung up the phone and covered her eyes with one hand as she wept. God was good—even late at night.
“Thank you, Jesus.” It made her heart happy to see God working, to see seeds that she had planted in Michelle’s young life coming into full bloom. She waved her hands in the air. Her heart was full—just about full to busting—and there was no telling when she was going to be able to fall off to sleep.
Miz Ida had always dedicated herself to helping others. Their joy was her joy. Yes, it was going to be a while before sleep found her.
Chapter Thirty-three
Miz Ida had had a quiet but full day. She had met with some of the other church ladies for lunch. Then she’d helped start dinner at the women’s shelter. They’d sent her on home, after they had a handle on dinner, with a half of a baked chicken. They were good people there and they were always looking after her.
She’d heated up some string beans and cooked a little rice to go with her bird. Some music on the radio had caught her ear while she washed her few little dishes. Before she knew it, she was dancing, watering plants, and praising the Lord.
Now Miz Ida was pooped.
“Lord, thank You. Thank You for the place I live and the new home that’s to come. Thank You for the people in my life and the new ones that are to come.” She lay her head back on the couch and talked like she was talking to an old friend. “I see You moving, God. I see You doing things that none of us would have expected. We try to make our way and tell You which way we need to go. Thank You for not listening to us, thank You for being wise, omnipotent, and omniscient. Thank You, God, for making each day sweeter than the day before.”
If she wasn’t expecting Michelle to call, she would have gone back to her room and gotten in the bed. But, there was no point in stumbling through the house, trying to reach the pink princess in time.
Miz Ida didn’t know she had dozed off until she heard the phone ring. The afternoon sun that had made a gentle slice across the room was gone. A sweet, peaceful darkness had surrounded her and lulled her to sleep. “Hold on, pink princess, I’m coming.” She reached for the phone.
“Hello, Miz Ida?”
Just as she suspected, it was Michelle. “I’m sorry to call so late. I know I told you that I was going to call before Todd and I went on our date. But things just went a little crazy at the office and we never really got to go.”
“You never got to go?”
“No, ma’am. You see, it was time for work to be out and me and Tonya were in the bathroom . . .”
Michelle stood at the sink checking her hair and makeup. There was no real reason she should be nervous about how she looked. It wasn’t as though it had been years since she’d seen Todd. It wasn’t even as though that was the main thing he focused on—Todd loved her for who she was.
Tonya was at the sink next to her redoing her own hair. It seemed that the hair song—the bun song—had been a great success.
“I guess it worked, huh?”
Tonya smiled, a lock of hair in her hands. “What worked?”
“Your song. You know, the one we sang at the restaurant.”
“Like I could forget. I told Malik about it and my son just will not let the song go! He’s very happy about my hair, but I think he likes the song even better.”
Michelle began to sing.
“Hey yo! The bun is dead. Which old bun?”
They sang the next line together.
“Tonya’s bun!”
They laughed.
“It’s getting late, Michelle. I think we’re getting punchy. We’re laughing at anything.”
“I think I’m laughing because I’m nervous.”
Tonya stopped what she was doing and looked at Michelle’s image in the mirror. “Nervous? What are you nervous about? If it’s about Mrs. Judson, you don’t have to worry.” Tonya went back to arranging her hair. “The Lord has it all in His hands and all under His control. I’ve made peace about it. If she lets us go, then it’s the Lord’s will. He gave us this job and He can give us another one, too. I’ve never seen Him close one door and not open another one.”
Michelle nodded. “I’ve been thinking the same thing. But that’s not what I’m nervous about.”
Tonya lowered her arms, leaned against the counter, and looked directly at Michelle. “So, what is it then?”
“I’ve got a date.”
“Oh no, Michelle. Not Trench again.”
Michelle shook her head. “Oh, no, girl. Trench is history. Thanks to you and the Lord, I have done some major growing up. I’ve stopped thinking like a child, and I’ve gotten rid of childish things.”
Tonya waved her hand in the air like she was shouting at church. “Look at you, girl. You go on with your bad self.”
“Oh, I finally got the email and saw the light.” Michelle held out her arms and extended her two index fingers. She moved them in tandem from right to left. “Trench is out of here!”
“Girl, I can’t believe this is the same woman from a few months ago.”
“You mean the same woman who was giving you the blues and cussing you out?” Michelle stopped smiling. “When I think back on it, Tonya, and how I treated you—I’m embarrassed. I’m sorry.” She touched Tonya on the shoulder. “You’ve been a real friend to me. Probably the first real friend I’ve ever had. I’m sorry.”
“It wasn’t all you, Michelle. I could have done better, too. And as for being a friend, I’m grateful for you. You hurt my feelings, but you changed my life. Sometimes it takes people out of our comfort circle to see what’s not working and to help us change our lives.” The two women hugged briefly. “Besides,” Tonya smiled, “since you’re out of bondage, don’t you deserve a song?”
“What song?”
Tonya spent a minute or two trying to create lyrics to celebrate Michelle’s deliverance. Finally, Michelle shook her head.
“You know what, Tonya? I think we need to leave that song alone. But I can tell you the song that got me through it all.” Michelle began to sing.
“Oh, I know that song. It’s Kirk Franklin and that’s my jam.” Tonya danced in a way that Michelle never would have expected.
“That new hair thing has set you free!”
Tonya laughed. “Yeah, I’m feeling like a new woman.” Suddenly she stopped dancing. “So if Trench is out of the picture, then who . . .”
“It’s Todd. We’re going on a date—well, sort of a date. We’re meeting after work to talk things over.”
“Things like?”
“Things like maybe getting back together.”
Tonya began to hum the song and dance again. “Girl, I tell you. The things you can learn from a woman in the bathroom! I am so happy for you, Michelle. I don’t know what could make it any better.�
� She danced a few more steps and then paused. “But, what about Shadrach? I thought you had plans for him? I thought you were attracted to him.”
Michelle shook her head. “He never really liked me, Tonya. Not that way. I knew it all along. He always talked about you like you were the best thing since sliced bread.” Michelle laughed. “I sound like I spend too much time talking to Miz Ida.” She laughed again. “But anyway, Shad has always been sweet on you. And, to be honest, Tonya, I was just being my old self. I didn’t want Shad, I just had to have every man’s attention, no matter how I had to get it. Shad was being a good friend to both of us. He helped—he coached—both of us. It was very easy to see, at the restaurant, that he just liked you a tiny bit more.” They grinned at each other. “And I’m glad about it. I’m happy for both of you.”
Tonya blushed. “Well, I’ve been kind of sidestepping him and trying to avoid him. I would never do something like that to a friend.”
“Well, you stop stepping to the side, my sistuh, and you step right on up!” The two women giggled.
Tonya returned to arranging her hair. “So, how did all this happen with you and Todd?”
“I got up the nerve to call him.” Michelle told Tonya about how what she’d said to Shadrach at lunch at the train station had touched her. “I’ve been thinking about what you said every since that day. You helped me to begin to understand love, and you helped me understand why I love my husband.” She shared with her friend how she’d bared her soul to Todd and about the message she had read in the Bible. “When I talked to him, I just let the love chapter tell me what to say. I prayed and left the rest in the Lord’s hands. I told him about you, about Shadrach, and how much you all helped me. I told Todd how I’ve been praying and reading my Bible and the other books you got me.”
She shrugged. “I’m praying for a miracle. It might not come to pass. But I can’t let it go without trying. I love him.”
When they had finished, they walked back through the office. The other employees were gone and the office was empty. At least, they thought so until they saw Mrs. Judson standing by Tonya’s desk.
