Always a Bridesmaid

by Lizzie Shane

  The only one left was the smallest, with no balcony and no private bathroom, but since Parvati hadn’t been able to chip in as much as the others, she didn’t mind the little closet of a room with a curtain rather than a door. She tossed her things onto the bed and returned to the villa’s kitchen where everyone else was gathering and margaritas were already being poured.

  Caitlyn had joined the group and was raising a glass in a toast to two-days without breastfeeding as she sipped her first drink in over a year. Everyone cooed over Tori’s belly, asking about names for the baby girl who was due in just over three weeks. Elena admitted she and Adam had been considering trying for one of their own. Miranda declared that she’d had her tubes tied since she and Bennett were definitely not in the market for offspring. And Samantha declared she wouldn’t be drinking this weekend—which set off another round of squeals.

  Apparently it was very new and they weren’t telling anyone yet, but the second-runner-up from Sidney’s season was definitely glowing. And Parv could only drain her margarita as she was surrounded by happily-ever-afters in progress.

  She probably should have taken things a little slower on the alcohol, considering she hadn’t had much to eat when they stopped for dinner, but she found she had a sudden empathy for the girls who got rip-roaring drunk on the first night of Marrying Mister Perfect, when they were at a cocktail party surrounded by dozens of perfect women.

  When she had a drink in her hand and a pleasant level of margarita sloshing in her stomach, it was so much easier to smile and pretend she wasn’t freaking out about how she and Max would never be one of those sappy-happy couples.

  Maybe that was why she was so jealous of the other women planning Sidney’s bachelorette party. Because she needed it to be perfect for Sidney because she was living vicariously through her. Parvati had stopped believing she would ever have a bachelorette party and a marriage of her own.

  Awfully young to be so jaded. She could almost hear Max’s voice in her mind—which somehow only made things worse.

  The others had excused themselves one by one earlier to go check in with their husbands and boyfriends. Nothing was stopping her from doing the same.

  She just needed to hear his voice. To know that they were still together, for now, even if he had one foot out the door.

  But when she stood on the balcony with the warm, salt breeze pressing against her skin, her phone bleeped a lack-of-service message, reminding her that she was in Mexico and her cut-rate plan didn’t include foreign roaming.

  Parvati pocketed her phone and leaned against the balcony, looking out toward an ocean she could hear but not see.

  “Mind if I join you?”

  Parv twisted toward the sound of Sidney’s voice, hating the hesitation she’d helped put there. “I’m sorry.”

  Sidney’s face screwed up. “What for?”

  “For the last few months? Can it just be a blanket apology?”

  Sidney rushed forward, all her hesitation gone. “I’m sorry too. I’ve been a total bridezilla. So completely focused on myself and what was going on with me that I completely failed you as a friend. When you said I was treating you like you weren’t a priority anymore, you were totally right. I was horrible—”

  “You weren’t horrible. I should have given you a break—”

  “I took you for granted. You’ve just always been there so it didn’t occur to me that I couldn’t just ignore you until I had time to be a friend again. I didn’t realize I was doing it, but when I look back now—”

  “No. I should have cut you some slack. I was just so jealous.”

  “It isn’t all sunshine and roses over here,” Sidney insisted. “I’ve been freaking out nonstop. You’d think that I’d be good at this, that I’d be calm and collected because I’ve seen this a hundred times before, but all I can think about is how everyone is going to be watching this wedding because of who Josh and I are. Because we’ve built a brand around being the best at weddings everyone is going to judge us. I keep having these awful anxiety dreams about the show being canceled and Once Upon a Bride going under because one of my centerpieces doesn’t match.”

  “It’s going to be great—whether the centerpieces match or not.”

  “I know. Because I’m marrying Josh and that’s the dream, not the centerpieces. I’ve said those words to a thousand brides, but I never realized how completely inadequate they are to stem the panic.”

  Parvati offered her glass to Sidney. “Margarita? I hear they’re pretty good for panic too.”

  Sidney laughed briefly. “If only I could just be buzzed for the next two weeks.”

  “Who says you can’t?”

  Sidney stared out over the blackness where the water would be in the morning. “The brides I work with on the show—they’ve all been through hell. Some of them have this incredible perspective, this ability to not sweat the small stuff, because, hey, they beat cancer, right? But others get so wound up making the moment perfect, because they need it to be perfect as a reward for all the shit they went through, that it can be hard to get them to enjoy their own wedding.”

  “What do you tell them when they’re freaking out?”

  “That they deserve the happiest day of their lives—and that no one will care if the centerpieces are perfect if they’re happy.” Sidney swallowed hard, her mouth pinching.

  “Hey,” Parv slid her arm around Sidney. “You deserve it too. You deserve a happily ever after as much as anyone.”

  “Do I? People keep asking us when we’re going to have kids. I feel like I just found Josh and everyone is rushing us toward being a family unit. And then I see Caitlyn—who looks like she hasn’t slept in a month—and all I can think is that I’m so tired all the time and that’s without children. I’m just trying to have a job and plan a wedding. That’s it. And I want to lie down and sleep for a year. How can people even think I would want a kid right now?” She gripped the rail in a white-knuckle grasp. “I mean, I’ve always wanted kids in a sort of theoretical way. I just sort of assumed that it would happen. Eventually. But now that eventually is now, I kind of want to run screaming in the other direction.”

  “You don’t have to—”

  “Josh wants them. He thinks once the wedding pressure is over I’ll be ready. But what if I’m never ready? Or what if I get pregnant and blow up like a balloon and he leaves me?”

  Suddenly a lot of things made sense. Sidney had been bigger when she was younger. She’d lost a ton of weight in college, but the fear that she wasn’t good enough if she wasn’t skinny had stuck around. “Josh loves you. He isn’t going to leave you.”

  “You can’t guarantee that. No one can. What if I suck at marriage? I haven’t exactly had good examples. My parents just got divorced and I’m not sure either of them would have noticed if my father hadn’t decided that his mid-life crisis was going to come with a new wife younger than me and a baby.”

  “You aren’t going to suck at marriage. You and Josh will figure it out. You’re smart. You’re compassionate. You love each other. You can do this.”

  “Can I? Because I’m a little amazed he hasn’t left me already with the way I’ve become a complete basket case leading up to this wedding. I don’t know how anyone does it. Everyone should elope.”

  “That might have a negative impact on your business.”

  “It feels like my life has become a freight train and I’m just strapped to the front, trying to hang on and avoid getting crushed on the rails. They say it’s all about the bride, but that’s bullshit. It’s about everyone else driving the bride toward insanity one choice at a time. One of Josh’s friends changes his mind about bringing a date after he RSVPs no and I’m the bad guy because the seating chart was already finalized. So I do backflips to rearrange everything and then he changes his mind again. And I start to hate Josh’s friends before I even meet all of them because they are making my life suck when it’s supposed to be the happiest day of my freaking life.”

  �
��Can I help?”

  “Can you make me a version of the seating chart where I get to seat my father’s new bride at the kids’ table?”

  Parvati snorted. “That might not go over so well.”

  “No. But it’s a nice fantasy.” Sidney sighed, tipping her head back to take in the stars. “I never realized how much I relied on the status quo in my family until everything changed. I think I hate change. I never knew that about myself. It just feels like everything’s happening at once and I can’t catch my breath. My parents are divorced, I have to have the perfect wedding or I’ll destroy my career and Josh’s, everyone wants me to have a baby…all of it. It’s just so much.”

  “I’m sorry I made it worse by getting mad at you.”

  “No. You didn’t,” Sidney insisted. “You were right to call me out. I just hate to think of you getting hurt and we both know Max isn’t a good bet.”

  Parv gripped her margarita glass more tightly. Sidney wasn’t wrong. She knew better than to get carried away thinking of Max in terms of forever. And she wanted forever. But it was so hard to walk away from someone you loved. And she did love him. More every day.

  “I told myself I wouldn’t get in too deep,” she admitted. “That I wouldn’t get hurt because I knew what I was doing. Famous last words.”

  Sidney’s shoulder bumped hers gently. “I thought you two were doing okay?”

  “That’s what I keep telling myself. Then yesterday I’m listening to the radio in my car and Angel of the Morning comes on and suddenly I’m bawling at a stoplight. Then when I turn on my car to drive home, Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough is playing. And when I change the channel I get I Can’t Make You Love Me. It was like my fears were stalking me through my radio.”

  “Maybe you should stop listening to the radio.”

  “I did. And I’m still scared.” Parv angled a look at Sidney’s profile. “And I felt like I couldn’t admit that before because you would just say you told me so. I’m scared you’re right. That I’m just setting myself up for a broken heart. That I need to stop living in fantasyland and accept reality.”

  “Did something happen?”

  “He’d probably say no. The other night he freaked out about something your dad said and before I knew it he was planning a trip around the world—then he goes to the gym, just walks out, and when he came back it was like it had never happened, but I’ve been nervous ever since and he’s been different. Distracted. Like half of him is already gone. He says he’s my boyfriend, but he told me himself that part of him would always want to run away. How is that not supposed to mess with my mind?”

  “I’m not sure I’ve ever really understood why Max does what he does, but I do think he cares about you.”

  “I know.” She’d never doubted that. But she wanted what Sidney had. A man who wanted to spend his life with her. Telling Sidney had made it real—and exposed all the cracks she’d wanted to ignore. “I just wish that were enough.”

  “Maybe it will be.” But she didn’t sound like she believed her own words and if Sidney, who knew them both so well, didn’t think they would make it…

  Parv couldn’t escape the thought that maybe she was fooling herself. Maybe this had all been a dream and it was time to wake up and acknowledge the writing on the wall.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  He missed her.

  Max had started looking at this weekend as a preview of what his life would be like when he lost Parvati—because he was starting to feel like it was an inevitable certainty that he would lose her. When enough people told you that you were constitutionally incapable of commitment, it was hard to ignore all those voices.

  He went into the office on Saturday for the first time in weeks. He’d worked from home a few Saturdays while Parvati was putting in hours at Lacey’s Cakes or Once Upon a Bride, but he’d gotten out of the habit of spending seven days a week practically living at EP.

  He arrived just as Candy and Dylan were finishing up one of the new Elite Self Defense classes. The class series hadn’t been as popular as he’d anticipated and Max felt a flicker of guilt that perhaps he hadn’t done enough to promote the new feature. Too preoccupied with Parvati.

  Was this why his father wanted to retire? Were Dewitt men all or nothing when it came to business or relationships? Was one of the two bound to suffer?

  Maybe he should sell. Maybe that was the only way he would be able to keep Parv.

  He waited until the class was over, observing Dylan’s easy rapport with the students and Candy’s smug grin every time she got to throw him to the mat—a grin that was mirrored on a couple of the actresses’ faces when they succeeded in mimicking the move.

  They were good teachers. Confident. In their element. And either one of them would be capable of taking over the administrative side if he decided not to stay on after he sold. Elite Protection would be fine, whatever he decided.

  “Hey, Boss.” Candy joined him when the class ended and the actresses filed out—several pausing to flutter their extended lashes at Dylan, though he didn’t seem to notice the attention. “Coming by to check up on us?”

  Adam Dylan joined them as the last actress wandered out to the secure parking lot. “He’s bored because Parvati is off at Sidney’s bachelorette weekend.”

  “Ah.” Candy nodded as if that explained everything.

  “I forgot Elena was going too.” Adam’s wife was one of Sidney’s closest friends from her season of Marrying Mister Perfect—which explained why the bodyguard hadn’t bitched about being double scheduled this weekend. “How’s she doing?”

  “Still determined to conquer the world. She’s doing a lot of press for her book now—when she isn’t auditioning.”

  “Do you think she’d be willing to mention the self defense classes in some of that press? I was just thinking we could use some more word of mouth.”

  Dylan snorted. “She’d probably love to. I’ve never seen anyone train as hard as she does. She’s determined to get her black belt by the end of the year and claims she won’t be satisfied until she can kick my ass. Her new mission is to make the women of America badass, so I’m sure she’d love to pimp the classes.”

  “Good. That’ll be good.”

  Candy frowned, reading something on his face. “Is everything okay, Boss? We don’t need the classes to be a success, do we? I thought we were doing well.”

  “We are. Busier than ever. I only want to make sure everything’s taken care of. That you guys would be good if I wasn’t here anymore.”

  Candy shot him a stricken look. “Are you dying?”

  “No. God, nothing like that. I just got an offer to sell and it’s a good offer, so I’m considering all the options. Trying to figure out what would be best for EP.”

  Dylan stared at him, hard and expressionless—but then he never revealed much when he didn’t want to. “Are you serious?”

  “It’s worth considering.”

  “None of us will stay,” Candy declared.

  “It wouldn’t change anything—”

  “Would you stay on to run things?” she demanded.

  “Maybe. Probably not,” Max admitted.

  Candy glared at him. “Then it would change things. It would change everything.”

  “None of you would lose your jobs. And if you wanted to move on, you’d be able to write your own ticket—”

  “That isn’t the point,” Candy snapped. “But if you really think this is just a job, maybe you should sell.”

  Max frowned after her as she stalked away, disappearing up the stairs. “What was that?”

  Dylan looked at him like he was particularly dim. “Do you remember when I first came to work here? How guarded I was because my team at the Secret Service had thrown me under the bus? How I didn’t want to ask for help from anyone?”

  “I do. You’ve changed a lot.”

  “I know. And a lot of that was Elena, but a lot of it was you, Max. When Elena was in trouble, you bent over backwards to he
lp us. Who else would have done that? What other boss would piss off a powerful client like Hank the Hammer just because he was looking at Candy wrong? Who else would look out for us? Or give Elia a chance? You take us in when other people throw us out and you make us feel elite, so we’re elite for you. But do you really think this place would be the same if you sold it and walked away? You are Elite Protection. Do you really think nothing would change?”

  Of all his bodyguards, Adam Dylan was the least likely to speak, but when he did Max had found it was smart to listen. Now he stared after him as he jerked a goodbye nod and wandered over to put away the mats they’d used in the class. Was Adam right? Was he Elite Protection? He’d always seen himself as the boss, running the show but undeniably replaceable.

  He’d objected when Parvati called him an island—but he had thought of himself that way. No connections. But had the connections been there all the time and he’d never seen them? Connections to his employees. To Sidney.

  To Parvati.

  Maybe he could do forever. Maybe Perfect Parker was full of shit and he was good enough for her.

  Maybe this was what being part of something felt like—not ensnared or tied up, but comfortable with the knowledge that he had a place. A role. Boss. Brother. Lover. Friend.

  Maybe he wasn’t his father’s son after all.

  * * * * *

  When the party limo dropped them off at Once Upon a Bride on Sunday evening, Parvati hugged each of the women in turn, a little sad that the weekend was over already. After that first rocky night, she’d discovered she had more in common with them than she’d suspected. When she’d stopped focusing on all the things they had that she didn’t—like men who actually wanted to spend the rest of their lives with them—they’d bonded over Cards Against Humanity and kamikaze shooters.

  Now, as Parvati drove toward Max’s place, she found herself strangely reluctant to go.

  What if he wasn’t there? What if—while she’d been agonizing over how hard it would be to break up with him, even though she knew it was the right thing to do—he’d been packing a bag and booking a flight to Bangkok?