"Sure." Megan's face felt frozen and stiff but she forced a smile. "Always a new adventure."
"Must be fun."
"Oh, yes." She felt as if she was slowly bleeding to death inside.
"I suppose sticking in one place would seem pretty dull to you," he said, probing for some sign that she'd stay if he asked her, for some hint that she didn't want to go.
"Hmm." He could interpret that as agreement if he liked. She was afraid to open her mouth for fear she'd beg him to let her stay.
"M^an, I—" Whatever he'd been about to say was lost in the shrill ring of the phone. He hesitated, not wanting to interrupt his conversation with Megan.
''Go ahead and answo: it/' she said, apparently not sharing his desire to continue the discussion. ''I have things to do." The phone rang again as she stood up.
"There are things we need to talk about," Kel said, feeling as if he was watching her sUp through his fingers.
"It doesn't have to be this minute," she said lightly. "I'll be here another week."
She was akeady on her way to the door, and the phone shrilled a third time. Muttering a curse, Kel reached for it as she went out the door. She was right. He had another week.
M^an made her way up the stairs, feeling her knees threaten to buckle with each stq>. But they supported her long enough for her to reach her room. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it, closing her eyes.
She'd known this was coming, of course. It wasn't as if the news that Grace Cavoiaugh was returning was unexpected. She had, as Kel said, been gone longer than she'd intended as it was. But apparently expecting something was not enough to take away the pain of dealing with it when it happened.
Vm pregnant. Two little words was all she had to say and there'd be no question of her leaving. K&l would live up to his responsibilities the same way his friend Kurt had done. He'd want to marry her and she might be weak enough to give in to the temptation.
They'd get married. And a few years from now, people would be discussing the breakup of their marriage, the same way they'd discussed Kurt and Melissa Anderson's a couple of nights ago. And there'd be another child caught up in the middle of a divorce, the same way she had been.
Not that it would be the same, because her child would certainly never be less than wanted. But even under the best of circumstances, a divorce was difficult for all involved, especially a child. And what about her feelings? Could she stand to live with Kel, knowing he'd only married her because she was pregnant, knowing he didn't love her?
But he might come to love you.
Megan's soft laugh held an edge of hysteria. When would she ever learn? She'd spent years thinking that her grandparents would come to love her. If only she was a good girl and didn't make them angry, they'd love her eventually. All those years of being a good little girl hadn't been enough. And being a good little wife to Kel wouldn't be enough, either.
She pushed herself away from the door and went to the closet. Pulling her suitcase off the top shelf, she set it on the bed and opened it, the sound of the zipper harsh in the quiet room.
She wasn't going to let herself fall into that pattern again. She'd spent years trying to please other people, trying to make herself into someone they could love. And if she'd learned nothing else from those years, it was that you couldn't make yourself lovable to another person. They either loved you or they didn't.
If she stayed, if she told Kel about the baby, he would marry her. And she'd find herself falling into the old patterns, smiling when she didn't want to smile, pretending to be happy when she wasn't. And eventually, she'd end up hating herself and maybe hating Kel a little, too, because he couldn't love her the way she needed to be loved. They both deserved better than that. And even more important, their child deserved better.
She heard the front door close and left her room and went across the hall to Kel's room, hurrying to the window. He was striding across the yard to the bam, the long, rolling stride of someone who spent a lot of hours in the saddle. He disappeared into the bam but she stayed where she was, watching. A few minutes later, he led Dude out and swung into the saddle.
He seemed to hesitate a moment, looking toward the house. Megan flattened herself against the wall beside the window, though she doubted he could see her at that distance anyway. After a bit, Kel tightened his hands on the reins and nudged the big horse with his heel, tuming him out of the ranch yard.
Megan watched until he was out of sight, not troubling to conceal the hunger in her eyes. This was the last glimpse she'd have of him. Kel disappeared around the curve of a hill, and she closed her eyes against the pain in her chest.
You could stay.
She tried to ignore the small, weak voice, the one that said being with Kel was worth any price. Only it wasn't. It wasn't worth her self-respect.
It seemed to take an enormous amount of effort to push herself away from the wall and go to her room. It shouldn't take long to finish packing. She couldn't bear to wait another week. It would hurt too much. Now that she knew her time here was ending, she wanted to sever the ties as quickly as possible.
Colleen was with the physical therapist so there was no one to question her leaving. Megan hesitated, thinking of Colleen. It wasn't only Kel she was going to miss. She and Colleen had developed a real friendship these past few weeks. She hoped the girl wouldn't be too hurt when she found out Megan had left without a word. But there was no help for it.
For a moment, Megan almost gave in to despair. She was leaving so much behind. The pain of it was almost more than she could bear. But she was taking a great deal with her, she thought, pressing her hand to her still flat stomach. The thought gave her the strength to finish packing.
Years of travel had pared her belongings down to the bare minimum. Less than an hour after leaving Kel's study, Megan was tiptoeing down the stairs. She set her suitcase down in the entryway and went into Kel's study to set the note she'd written on his desk. She'd spent more time writing the note than she had packing, and she still wasn't satisfied with the result, but she'd finally decided it would have to do. Since she couldn't tell the truth, there really was no intelligent explanation for her abrupt departure.
Megan lingered a moment in the study. This was where he'd kissed her the first time, where he'd told her that, if she stayed, they were going to become lov-
ers. She'd thought then that she should run, that she was going to end up with a broken heart if she stayed. And she'd been right, she thought ruefully. But she wasn't sorry she'd stayed. The child she carried was a gift of love, even if it was only her own love for Kel.
A few minutes later, she turned the nose of her bright blue compact out of the ranch yard and pointed it toward the highway. In less than a minute, a curve in the road hid the ranch house from her when she looked in the rearview mirror. Blinking back tears, she tried not to think about how much she'd left behind.
Chapter 10
Springy Three Years Later
Jxel slowed the rental car at the intersection and checked the street sign against the slip of paper in his hand. The names matched, which meant he should turn left. He made the turn and then pulled over to the curb and let the car idle. Hands resting on the steering wheel, he stared out the windshield at the tidy residential street in front of him.
It was a nice neighborhood, high-priced for Cheyenne. The houses were large, as were the trees that lined the street. The lawns were green with early spring growth, and there were a few early flowers to add a touch of color here and there. Nothing in the charming picture accounted for the grim expression on KeFs face. He reached into the pocket of his denim jacket and pulled out the envelope there. He stared at it but
he didn't bother drawing out the letter it contained. He had the few sentences memorized.
Dear Kel,
I need to speak to you. I would prefer to do so in person but unfortunately, I am unable to make the trip north at this time. Is there any chance that you'll be in the Cheyenne area any
time in the near future?
Please forgive the mystery. It's just that things will be so much easier to explain face-to-face.
She'd given an address and a phone number and signed herself, "Sincerely yours, Megan Roarke."
Sincerely his. Not likely.
Kel's fingers tightened around the envelope, crumpling it. The only thing more surprising than Megan's letter was finding himself here, responding to her request to see him. After the way she'd disappeared three years ago, his first impulse had been to throw the letter in the trash and forget about her. Again.
But if he was honest, he had to admit he hadn't done as good a job as he might have wished of forgetting her the first time around. Not if all it took was the sight of her name on the bottom of an impersonal note to bring her image sharply to mind. The hurt she'd dealt him when she left so abruptly was more tender than he would have Uked.
All the more reason to ignore her now, he thought. Whatever she had to say, he wasn't interested. She'd told him everything that mattered when she'd walked
out. Not that she'd been obligated to do more, he admitted grudgingly.
There'd been no promises, overt or implied, between them. It wasn't Mean's fault that he'd been halfway to falling in love with her and had only just realized it when she disappeared. Really, he supposed he should be grateful that she'd gone when she did. Otherwise, he'd probably have made a damn fool of himself.
Kel drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. He'd let the letter sit on his desk for close to a week, eyeing it as if it offered some physical danger. Several times he'd started to throw it away, and each time he'd changed his mind. Now, he half wished he'd thrown it out after all. If he had, he wouldn't be sitting here Uke a nervous boy about to pick up his first date.
Damn Megan Roarke anyway. Kel thimiped his fist on the steering wheel. Three years ago, she'd persuaded him to hire her, then made herself so damned irresistible that he'd not only taken her into his bed, he'd let her halfway into his heart, and then she'd disappeared. Now, here she was, popping back into his life.
He could always turn the car around and leave. He didn't owe her anything. But he had to admit that his curiosity was aroused. Things will be so much easier to explain face-to-face, her letter said. What things? What could she possibly have to say to him after all this time?
With a sigh, he pulled away from the curb. Whatever she wanted, she could say it and get it over with and then he could go home and forget her. Again.
The address she'd given him proved to be a small house tucked slightly to the tear of a larger home. Kel parked and got out, grateful to be free of the rental car's too small interior. He felt as if he'd had his knees up next to his ears. Centuries from now, when archaeologists traced the history of the automobile, they were sure to conclude that, in the late twentieth century, Americans suddenly developed much shorter legs, he thought, shutting the car door with a disgusted swing of his hand.
Thinking of 1^ made him remember Megan's legs, ridiculously long legs for such a small woman. And he had a ridiculously clear image of them, considering he'd all but forgotten her.
"Danm." Kel muttered the word under his breath as he circled the car and started down the gravel driveway to the house. He wished more than ever that he hadn't let his curiosity drive him to respond to Megan's letter. She'd been out of his Ufe, out of his thoughts, and that's where he'd Uke her to stay.
The heels of his boots sounded loud on the wooden steps of the porch. It was the middle of the afternoon on a weekday, and he assumed that most of the surrounding houses were empty, their owners at work. Now that he thought about it, it seemed odd that Megan would be home this time of day. Was she between jobs? Or maybe she was so anxious to talk to him that she'd taken a day off? He hadn't reaUy provided many options, he thought. During their brief, stilted phone conversation, he'd pretty much given her a time and day and let his tone imply that she could take it or leave it. His conscience gave an uneasy twinge and was
ignored. She'd been the one to ask to see him, not the other way around. K this wasn't a convenient time for her, tough.
Ignoring the doorbell, Kel tugged open the screen door and rapped his knuckles on the solid wooden door. He let the screen door close and waited. A moment later, he heard movement inside the house. He was annoyed to feel his heart immediately begin to beat a little faster. He deliberately turned away and forced himself to admire the beautiful new spring growth on the maple tree that grew between this house and the larger one to the east.
He heard the door open but took his time turning to face the woman who'd haunted far more of his dreams than he'd willingly admit. His first thought was that she hadn't changed at all. Her hair was still the same pale gold he remembered, her eyes were just as big and beautiful and her mouth... God, her mouth made him think of things he'd done his damnedest to forget.
His second thought was that he wanted her just as much as he ever had. It had been like this from the first time he saw her—one look and he'd wanted her so much it had been hard to think clearly. The realization angered him, put an edge to his voice.
'*Megan."
**Hello, Kel."
Just the sound of her saying his name brought a rush of memories with it. Sometimes, when they'd been making love, she'd say his name on a husky little moan as if it had been wrung from deep inside her. Damn her! One look and the old hunger was back, as strong as ever.
I
"Are we going to have our conversation standing on the porch?" he asked, lacing the question with more sarcasm than it warranted. He wanted to hear whatever she had to say, tell her no to any favors she might want to ask and get out of here.
** Sorry." He thought she flushed though it was difficult to tell with the screen still between them. "Please, come in."
The house was as small as it had looked from the outside, but she'd decorated the rooms so that the word that came to mind was cozy rather than cramped. The living room held a small sofa, covered with floral print in shades of blue and that purply-pink women called mauve. Stupid name for a color, Kel thought as he stopped next to it. The rest of the room picked up the colors of the sofa in a mixture of solids and stripes that should have looked cluttered and irritating and managed to look friendly and soothing instead.
Too bad he wasn't in the mood to be soothed, Kel thought sourly. Nor was he feeling particularly friendly. He heard Megan shut the front door and turned to look at her. But his irritated suggestion that they cut the polite preliminaries and get to whatever it was she wanted to say died unspoken. The screen had blurred her image more than he'd realized. Seeing her without its protection, he momentarily forgot his irritation.
Megan had never been what he would have called robust-looking, but the woman who stood in front of him looked as if a strong wind would knock her over. She'd lost weight, a lot of it. She was wearing a soft
pink blouse and a full skirt in a darker shade of the same color. Neither garment concealed the almost painful thinness of the body beneath. Her cheekbones stood out beneath a layer of skin so pale it looked almost translucent. Her eyes were the same blue-gray he remembered, but there were blue shadows beneath them that hadn't been there before. And her hair, while it was the same pale gold, was dull and tired-looking, the life drained from it.
Either Megan knew how drastically her appearance had changed or his expression gave away his thoughts. She lifted her hand to touch her hair.
**I know I look like I just got off the wreck of the Hesperus," she said with a self-conscious laugh. "I had a touch of pneumonia."
**Are you over it?"
"Oh, yes. Fm fine."
She didn't look fine, he thought, noticing the hand she'd set on the back of a wing chair as if she needed it to steady herself.
"I'm glad you're better" was all he said.
"Not as glad as I am," she said, smiling. "Can I get you something to drink?"
"No, thanks."
There was a stilted moment of silence and then Megan g
estured to the sofa. "Why don't you have a seat?"
He started to refuse but then it occurred to him that she probably wouldn't sit down unless he did, and from the looks of her, he doubted she was up to standing for any length of time. Irritated with himself for being concerned about her health, he sat on the
edge of the sofa. Megan chose the wing chair. Their eyes met for a moment and they both looked away.
''Nice place/' Kel said and then could have kicked himself for coming up with such a banal comment.
"Thank you. It was built for the former owner's mother to live in. I rent it from the man who owns the property now. He lives in the big house." She nodded in the direction of the house to the east, one comer of it just visible out the multipaned front window. "He's a lawyer and I've worked for him the last couple of years so it's worked out quite well."
"Mnmi." Kel made a noncommittal sound. He didn't give a damn about her living arrangements or who she worked for. He just wanted to know why he was here.
There was another of those awkward little pauses and this time it was Megan who broke it. "How's Colleen?"
"She's fine. She's going to school in Fort Collins."
"How's her leg? Did it heal all right?"
"Pretty much. She only limps if she pushes too hard and gets really tired." What the hell did she care how Colleen's leg was? She'd walked out on his little sister the same time she'd walked out on him. Kel felt his anger, which had been momentarily softened by the lingering evidence of her illness, stir again.
"And Gun? How's Gun?"
"Fine. He's working for a friend of mine in Colorado, Conner Fox."
* * Is Zeke still terrorizing the hands?"
"He'll outlast most of us."
**Probably/* Megan's mouth curved in a soft smile that held more than a trace of nostalgia, and Kel felt his patience give out.
"Look, you didn't write me because you had the urge to discuss old acquaintances," he said, not troubling to hide his irritation. **You said you had something to tell me and that you wanted to say it face>
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