“Jensen's home?” I ask, and Justine clears her throat. “What?”
“He came home to check on you, but he had to leave an hour ago, the Ranger camp said they needed his presence,” she says softly. “He did say that he's worried about you, but he'll be back as soon as he can.”
I nod, rubbing at my eyes. It's late afternoon, and the light makes my bedroom look bloody, making me shiver as my dream comes back to me. “Get me out of this room, I need some white light. And something to think about besides the fucking war.”
Justine and Mom help me get dressed and we go to the library, where Justine pulls the curtains and turns on the interior lights, warm yellows, and whites that help ease my mind. Chef brings some food and I look around, shivering in disgust with myself. I'm sitting here eating fine food while eleven Rangers are... “I... please, talk about something other than what's going through my mind. Justine, help me out please?”
“Well....” Justine says a trifle desperately, then glances at Mom. “Gwyndolen, how're you and Tryion doing?”
Mom gives Justine a surprised glance, but nods when she sees that I'm interested as well. “Honestly, he's sort of frustrating. I want to go faster with him, I feel like we're connecting, and I want to move to the next level.... but there seems to be something holding him back.”
“Really? I'm having the opposite problem with Liston,” Justine admits, pouring me some tea and handing me a cup. “He's starting to push me on the idea of going to bed with him. The last date... well, I had to say no forcefully. I don't think he liked it too much.”
“Are you okay, Justine?” I ask, my instincts flaring. I care about Justine; I don't want to see her come to violence.
“Yes, he backed off, but I could tell he wasn't happy about it,” Justine admits. “I guess.... well, I'm guessing that Liston doesn't get told no by women often, and I think I left him with a pretty decent set of blue balls.”
Mom laughs, then looks sheepish. “Sorry, been a while since I heard that term. I'm not trying to make it seem unimportant. Just... a thought ran through my head. Liston's going too fast, Tryion's going too slow... put them together, maybe they'll be going just right.”
Justine chuckles but still looks unsure. “I don't know, Gwyndolen. I sometimes think I might never be there again, at least not in the way I know Liston wants. But why do you think Tryion's going slow with you? I know it's not because he thinks you're unattractive, his eyes work just fine.”
I laugh slightly, nodding. “She's got you there, Mom. Are you sure he's into girls?”
Mom nods, blushing. “He certainly kisses like he is. And other things I... felt through a few layers of clothing.”
“Ooooh,” Justine teases, and Mom's blush goes deeper. “Are you sure you want to tell in front of your oh so innocent dau.... never mind, go right ahead.”
I laugh again, feeling slightly better, but still worried about them both. “Mom, do you think he might be hiding something? I don't want to be rude, but we could use our resources to check Tryion out. Liston too. What do we really know about them?”
Mom shakes her head with finality. “No, Kelbara. I don't want to start a relationship with someone if it's built around distrust and private investigators and 'checking someone out.' I've had my fill of trying to keep relationships going without trust. No, if I don't trust Tryion enough to go at his pace, then there's no hope there and I just need to find someone else. But thank you.”
“I... I think the same for me too,” Justine says. “If I need your help, I know it's there. In the meantime, though, thank you. It helps to know you care about me that much.”
I nod, feeling better. Not a hundred percent, but better. “That's fine. And you two... thank you both. I'm glad I have you in my life.”
“I'm glad I have you back in mine, sweetheart,” Mom says, smiling. “Now, on to the next lighthearted topic of conversation. Did Justine get a chance to tell you about the cute thing Olivia did while you were sleeping?”
I can't help it; I smile and look over at Justine. She's beaming, and I can see she's proud of the little baby she's already thinking of as her daughter. “No... tell me.”
Chapter 14
Audra
The video is stomach-turning, making me regret that I decided to watch this after eating, and I wince as I watch the man's head bounce against the floor, obviously dead, but I know that Kelbara's going to keep punching him for another minute before the Rangers pull her off. It's the third time I've watched the video, recorded on the tiny cameras that are part of the Rangers' headsets.
It's not the only video that I've forced myself to watch over the past twenty-four hours, as I've read the reports of the last two fights the Rangers have engaged in, watching as Jensen and Kelbara have both pushed the line. I understand Jensen's decision to not punish Kelbara, but this is enough, I need to do something. I can't stand by anymore as my brother and sister let themselves get this caught up in their emotions.
Setting the flexi aside, I get up, walking carefully to the door of my library. Gwyndolen is spending the day with her daughter, something I totally approve of, Kelbara needs to have more support than I do right now.
Pretton sees me coming down the hallway and hurries over, his face concerned. “My Queen, should you really be up? At your stage of pregnancy...”
“I'm less than a month from delivery, not death,” I say, trying to keep it lighthearted but failing. After what I just saw, I guess I'm not in the entertaining mood. My smile falters, and I clear my throat. “Where is my husband?”
“In the Council chamber, highness,” Pretton says carefully. “He's getting ready for a meeting with some of the military leaders.”
“Tell the generals that the meeting has to wait,” I reply, heading for the chamber. Pretton hurries off, he knows I'm not in the mood for discussion right now, and I make my way to the Council chamber, opening the doors to find Tauren sitting in his normal seat, reviewing a flexi. There's a military officer with him, and I point as soon they look up. “You. Out.”
The officer hurries in response, Tauren giving me a surprised look as the door closes behind us. “I'm glad his work could wait a few minutes. You're not that forceful normally.”
“Have you seen the videos from the Ranger raids?” I ask, ignoring Tauren's attempt at deflection. “I've been spending every minute since breakfast doing nothing but.”
Tauren nods, tapping his flexi. “I was just reviewing them myself. They took heavy casualties that last battle. Almost ten percent dead. That's going to hurt any unit. I was going through the list of the alternates, those who tried out last time but didn't make the cut, seeing who might be able to fill out the ranks before advancing the names to Jensen for his input.”
“And did you see Kelbara's personal video?” I ask, seething. He's talking numbers when what the videos showed me was about anything but numbers. “You talk about ten percent, and I'm talking about watching the woman who is my sister beat a man to death with her bare hands!”
“She'd just seen one of her troops get blown apart less than a meter from her. She was in shock. I agree with Jensen, there's no need to punish her. She needs a chance to rest,” Tauren says, sighing. “The Rangers will miss her while she's recuperating.”
“If she comes back at all,” I shoot back, amazed at my husband's obtuseness. “Tauren, she's shaken up. I'm more worried about the fact that she had to be pushed to this point at all. The Rangers are becoming less of an elite unit and more of a terror unit. Or do you think Jensen's idea to just burn the entire Rebel camp was a good one? From what I could tell, I'm not even sure if they recovered the bodies of the Rebel Lancers they killed.”
“They did, but no it wasn't what I'd call the best idea,” Tauren says, “but this is a war, Audra. What do you think happens out there?”
“I think that these weren't the actions of my brother and my sister,” I reply, pained. “I think that the decisions you've made since lying to the Council have pushed us furthe
r and further away from what you wanted this reign to be.”
“What do you want me to do?” Tauren asks, barely keeping his voice in check. “Go out there, hug those people who want to kill us and sing summer camp songs?”
“I think you need to fight this the right way!” I yell, losing my temper and slamming my palms on the table. “What I saw, that isn't you! That isn't them! It sure as fuck isn't what we're supposed to be! We're supposed to be better than Tauria, not dropping to her level!”
“I will not have Audren born to war!” Tauren yells back, getting to his feet. “I will not have my son born under the threat of death!”
“And I don't want my son to have a monster for a father, but if you keep going down this path... what you're doing is becoming monstrous, Tauren. What your forces are doing in your name is becoming monstrous!”
Tauren's fists clench on the table, and his eyes are filled with angry fire. “I'm doing this for us, Audra!”
I shake my head, stepping back. “No. I don't want it, Tauren. Not this way. Not if at the end of the war my family is broken, my brother and sister warped, and the trust that we have is shattered. I don't want a monstrous peace. I... our son is going to be born in less than a month, Tauren. Turn away from this path, before he's born to the same evil that we lived through already. Turn away before it's too late for him to avoid the sins that we're doing.”
Tauren calls out my name, but I ignore it, leaving the Council chamber and going to the garden where I try to calm down by watching the goldfish swimming in the pond. Pretton meets me there, his face concerned. “Highness, the King wishes me to tell you that he is leaving the palace for a while. His exact words were he 'needs to get his head right.' He did not tell me when he would return.”
I nod, swallowing my fear. “Did he have his escort?”
“No, Highness. He did put on light armor and take his powerlances, however. He left on a hoverbike about ten minutes ago. Would you like him followed?”
I think, then shake my head. “No... no. Tauren's a capable fighter in his own right, he'll be fine. Just keep track of him passively using sensors. Thank you for telling me, Pretton. Please.... I'd like some privacy unless it is an emergency.”
Pretton leaves, and I go back to watching the goldfish, the sun making its way across the sky slowly. Watching the fish go back and forth, oblivious to the dangers and evils that the people just outside their little pond do to each other, I wonder if they would even care about what I've seen today.
When I agreed to marry Tauren, I knew there would be things that I would have to do that I didn't like. I don't even like the fact that my entire life is now supported by taxes paid by the people of Tamaria. The law is clear; the crown is not to own any businesses or be involved in for-profit ventures. The idea was that by making the crown dependent on the good of the entire planet instead of in personally owned businesses or other means, that the crown would work for the good of all Tamarians. It's not perfect, but I understand it.
Do the fish even care, though? Their lives are simple, the food comes, they eat, they poop, they spawn, they die... do they even care when one of their compatriots dies? Are they aware of the rest of the world outside their pond, or is it as unfathomable as what exists beyond the galactic plane is to me, a dim awareness that can't ever be fully understood? Do these fish think of each other in the way I think of Tauren, Jensen, and Kelbara?
I hear the door to the garden open and I look, realizing for the first time how long I've been sitting out here, the sun's nearly down. I blink, blinded for a moment before Tauren steps out of the shadow and into the moonlight. “I... I'm sorry.”
I nod, turning back to ponder the fish pond some more, but the surface is silvery now, Castor's up and turning the water to nothing but reflection. “I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have yelled at you.”
Tauren comes over and gets down on his knees, bowing deeply, his head touching the ground and shocking me. This deep a bow, it's used so rarely, and only as an expression of total supplication. Even in the days of slavery, it was only on the rarest of occasions that even the cruelest owner would require a slave to apologize in such a manner, it was more likely the slave would just be shot. For Tauren, the King of Tamaria, to do it is unprecedented, even to his own wife.
He rises up and I consider his face again, and I see the pain in his eyes, the torment he's been going through, but also underneath it, the good man that I fell in love with. “No, you had every right to yell at me. I forgot something, and you reminded me exactly what that was. I just needed to get past my anger to realize that you were right. You've been right all along, and I'm ashamed of what I've done.”
I blink, tears filling my eyes as I stroke Tauren's precious, lean face, swallowing. “Nobody's perfect, my love. You're the King, not a deity.”
Tauren blinks, shaking his head as his own eyes gleam with tears. “I need to be better than what I've been, though. I... I need to fix this as best I can. Will you come with me, please? I made the big mistake by doing this as an individual, the only way I can fix this is as part of a family.”
I nod, leaning forward and kissing Tauren gently, letting my lips rest on his. “I swear, my love... I'm always with you.”
Tauren gets to his feet and holds his hands out to me and I let him help me up, my lower back twinging from the sudden change after sitting in one place for so long. I stretch, Tauren supporting me carefully while a ripple of pops goes up my spine. Tauren smiles, and I have to smile back. “I thought Pretton was joking when he said you'd been sitting here since I left to fly around and get my head right.”
“I'm glad you were safe,” I reply, and Tauren chuckles.
“It was freeing. One of my thoughts was that sometime, maybe after the baby's born... I'd like to take you out flying together. Just the two of us, cruising somewhere to enjoy being just us again,” Tauren says, smiling but still his voice is soft. “I... I want to never forget what it was that led me to fall in love with you. With you, I can be Tauren, not the King.”
“You're always Tauren to me,” I whisper, taking his hand as we walk through the palace. “And if you want to go flying with me, I can think of some places we can go to remind you of who you are. Like the woods up north, or the mountain base where Audren was conceived.”
“First, though... I need to reach out to the other two people who have tried to keep me grounded,” Tauren says. We reach his study and he goes over to the desk, picking up a communications flexi and opening a line. The video's blank for a moment, then Gwyndolen of all people picks up. “Gwyndolen, hello.”
“Highness,” Gwyndolen replies, her face tight. She's being polite, but I can tell after talking with Kelbara she's not happy with Tauren. “How may I help you?”
Tauren swallows, and I can tell he's nervous. It's not often that kings must apologize, and now he's having to do it twice in one evening. “Is Kelbara available?”
Gwyndolen shakes her head, her eyes still neutral. “I'm sorry, but no. She's resting still, and unless it's an emergency I'd prefer if she doesn't talk.”
Tauren nods, his eyes still haunted. “I understand. If you would then, please ask Kelbara to come to the palace tomorrow with Jensen. Is he there?”
“No, but he messaged us a few minutes ago, he'll be returning home soon. What time would you like them to come?”
Tauren shakes his head, then takes a deep breath. “While breakfast would be nice, this is at their decision. Gwyndolen, this isn't a command couched as a request. This is me... this is me trying to say please, man to man to Jensen and Kelbara. Please, come to the palace, I have something very important to talk to them about.”
Gwyndolen's eyes soften slightly, and she nods. “I'll tell them. Expect four for breakfast.”
Tauren lets go of a shuddering breath, and he nods. “Thank you, Gwyndolen. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Tauren,” Gwyndolen says, closing the communications signal. Tauren sets the flexi down, taking a moment to lower his head,
and I watch him. My heart is moved, and I walk around the desk, lifting his chin and kissing him softly.
“Tauren.... let's remember,” I whisper, stroking his face and looking into his eyes. I take his hand and place it on my heart before covering his heart with my hand. “I love you.”
“I love you,” Tauren replies, reaching up with his free hand to stroke my hair. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I forgot to be the man that I'm supposed to be.”
“You just need to be the man who you are, and not what anyone thinks you're supposed to be,” I whisper, standing on my tiptoes and kissing him again. Tauren's hand squeezes my breast gently, making me moan as we grow deeper, his tongue caressing my lips and I open to him, pulling him down even more. I moan, and Tauren pulls back, his breath shaky. “What?”
“I... I want to make love with you, but with the baby coming so soon, I'm a little nervous,” Tauren admits, chuckling. “Sorry.”
I step closer to him again and kiss him deeply, reaching down and cupping his cock. “You know my love, there are plenty of ways that we can make love. Like this.”
Tauren's eyes gleam as I get down on my knees, reaching for the belt on his pants. “Audra, you don't have to.”
I laugh softly, undoing his belt. “I know. I'm the fucking Queen, remember? But... I want to. And my mouth works just fine.”
Chapter 15
Tauren
Waking up, I feel better than I have in weeks, with Audra's head resting on my thigh as we sprawl across the bed. I didn't think it was possible, making love this close to the due date, but Audra was amazing, and looking at her beautiful face in the morning light, I feel a tear slip down my cheek, knowing how close I came to losing myself in my anger and with my desire to end the war quickly.
She's right, I can't be King if this is the way that I must rule. I also know that there was only one regret I had last night, and it was that Audra gave and gave, and I didn't know how to return the pleasure to her. Now, watching her roll onto her back and her head slipping off my thigh, I know.
Red Planet: The Rebel War (Tamarians Book 3) Page 13
