by B. A. Wolfe
“I-I can’t do this, Aidan.” He released a harsh breath and the confusion on his face matched that in my heart. I’d crushed him. I’d devastated myself. “I’m sorry. I have to go.”
I slipped out of his hold, dashed into the bedroom, and closed the door behind me. With my back against it, I expelled breath after breath, trying to figure out what had just happened. “What did I just do?” I asked myself, whispering as if he were on the other side of the door. I lowered my head and braced my hands on my knees, hoping to find my breath.
I shut the light off and went to the bed, feeling as if a dark thundercloud loomed over me. How could I let him almost kiss me in Jason’s house? How could I let myself get caught up like that with Jason’s brother?
I gripped my pillow tighter, grateful that Jase had slept through my door slamming and I was allowed to wallow. I so badly wanted Mel here, for her words of wisdom to seep through me, making me feel like a new person instead of the disgusting one I felt like.
Whispers of Aidan replayed through my head. The words he spoke echoed over and over again on a never-ending hamster wheel. The guilt that inhabited me sank its teeth deep into my muscle tissue.
I lifted my phone from the nightstand and sent Mel a text.
Me: Miss you.
Mel: Apartment is quiet without you.
Me: I need your advice
Mel: Wear protection. ;)
Me: He kissed me. Not my lips but my neck.
Mel: Hot damn.
Me: No. The guilt is eating me alive. I ran before we had a chance to kiss.
Mel: Nooooooo
Me: This is Jason’s house. How could I? I’m so disgusted with myself.
Mel: Stop with the guilt. Stop thinking so much. Let nature take its course.
Me: Night.
Mel: We’ll talk when you get home. Night babe.
I re-read her text messages. Let nature take its course. But what if I was going against nature?
Dan
MY APARTMENT SEEMED unusually quiet. I was used to the silence, but after being in Keaton—being around my family—the quiet now seemed to drive me crazy. I missed the commotion. Even with how much Mom and Dad ignored me, I still missed them.
I’d like to say I felt guilty for kissing Cassie, but it would be a lie. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed every fucking second of it. My lips loved her soft skin. Just thinking about our moment in the basement had my mind swirling. It happened a few days ago, but it felt as though it was only last night.
A few hard knocks drew my attention to the door. I grabbed the handle and swung it open. On the other side stood a grinning Carter, juggling a twelve pack in each hand. “How’d you even knock with all that shit?”
He nudged his head up, indicating he’d used his skull. “And now I have a headache, so I’m gonna need a drink, stat.”
“What are you doing here, man?” I asked, shutting the door behind him.
“You’re freaking depressing as hell to be around. Even the kids at school are commenting on how their favorite coach is lame.”
I laughed, following behind him into the kitchen. “That’s not true and you know it.”
“Rumor going around is it’s heartbreak central for our very own Coach Bradley.” He popped the bottle cap off two beers and handed me one.
I grabbed the drink and sat in the living room. “You’re highly mistaken. First rule of teaching, don’t believe the shit your students say in the halls. And two, what are you doing hanging out in the halls? You still vying to be a hall monitor?”
“You’re such a dick. Now I know you’re fucking lying. You just want attention. Clearly not getting enough action these days.”
“You don’t have a clue, dude.”
“Well, if you weren’t running off to no-man’s land out east every weekend, we could remedy your problemo.”
I tilted my beer at him. “Don’t go there.”
He stuffed his bottle between his knees and held his hands up in mock surrender. “That was low. I’m sorry. But really, man. How do you plan on ever meeting anyone? I advise against hooking up with faculty. Been there, done that, you know the rest.”
“Breanna still stalking you?”
He teetered his head back and forth. “I’m considering a restraining order.”
“Shut the hell up. You like it.”
He wore a shit-eating grin. “Eh, it’s good for the ego. But really, she’s about two shades too blonde for me. And the word no means nothing to that chick. It’s a wonder she teaches Spanish.”
“Maybe that’s the problem, smart one.” I tapped my skull. “Time to tell her adios.”
“Enough about my shit. I didn’t come over here to just get drunk and crash on your couch. Well, maybe a little, but I did come over to hash out your chick problems.”
“There’s nothing to hash out.” You’re such a liar, D.
Carter set his beer on the coffee table and leaned forward. “Are we really gonna do this? Go back and forth like a couple of chicks? Just fucking tell me what’s up.”
I chugged my beer in an effort to pass the time. I didn’t even know what to tell him. I didn’t even know how to explain the shitty situation to myself.
What the hell? Maybe Carter could be useful for something.
“Fine. Let’s hash it out.” Setting my bottle next to his, I drew in a heavy breath.
“Wait,” he said with his hand in the air. “Wait just a sec. I got just the thing.”
He lifted off the couch and dashed into my office. My face scrunched with each rustle and bang of my shit. “What the hell, Carter?”
“Dude.” A cheeseball grin surfaced as he re-entered the living room carrying a white board and a marker. “Visual aids.”
“What the fuck?”
“Listen, the way I see it, the girl who has you by the nuts right now is obviously throwing a lot of baggage your way. I’m better with visuals. Map it all out for me, Coach.”
I chugged another gulp of beer and laughed. “This really wasn’t how I’d planned to spend my evening.”
“Having a good time with your friend?”
“No. Drawing shit about love on a white board.”
Carter cracked open another beer and relaxed his feet on the coffee table. Good God, was I really about to draw me and Cassie on a board?
I popped the cap off the marker and put the tip to the board. Hell yes, I was. Maybe Carter had something here.
Sloppily, I drew an X and an O on the board. Scribbling Cassie’s name down and then my own. I matched our names with arrows to their corresponding letters. Maybe if I laid it out like a playbook, this would make sense to me—
“No, no, no,” Carter grumbled. “Dude. You have to be the X. Cassie can’t be the X. She’s the female. She’s the O, which are hugs. You’re the kisses.” His eyebrows puckered. “Didn’t your mom teach you shit?”
“What in the hell did your mom teach you?” Shaking it off, I erased the arrows and drew new ones to match the ‘proper’ X and O for our genders. “God, Carter. You’re weird.”
His husky chuckles bounced off the walls. My guess, the beer was taking effect. Rolling my shoulders, I realized I felt a little less high-strung, a little looser.
“I’m on my third beer over here. Are you going to be done anytime soon? If not, I’m going to order a pizza. I’m starving, man.”
“Almost . . . done,” I said as I concentrated on marking up a few more areas. Leaning back, I studied my tangled web. Damn. It was worse than I thought.
“Who’s got the ball?”
“It’s lost somewhere in the middle right now. Neither of us have it.”
His eyes bugged out as he pulled his hand over his face, his fingers lingering on his jaw.
“I thought I had it. Then this happened . . .” I pointed to the left side of the board, to an X, an O, and the words ‘almost kissed’ above them. “She ran. Maybe the ball’s in her court. I almost crossed the line. She panicked and bolted faster than my star running
back on third down.”
Carter was silent. Did he not have any answers, either? I was fucked, and I had no one to blame but myself.
I pointed the marker at him and then back at the board. “Nothing? You don’t have any damn advice? After you made me draw all that shit?”
“Okay. Here’s how I see it. One, you should’ve told her.” He eyed me with a fatherly look. I already knew I should’ve told her. I screwed that up right off the bat. “Two, you really should’ve fuckin’ told her. Three, your brother asked you to look after her. You’re a good guy, man. Most men, brother or not, wouldn’t have gone to the lengths you have,” he said, nodding his head toward me.
“Four, does she feel the same way about you? She ran off after you tried to kiss her. She’s clearly not ready.” Carter arched his brow and took a swig of a beer. “And five, do you love her enough to let her go?” He nestled the half empty bottle between his legs and rested his arms behind the couch.
“She stares at me for seconds before she’ll even say anything. Like she has to wait for her heart to slow down before she can catch a breath to talk to me. I know it because I have to do the same damn thing. She looks at me, but not just at me. She looks in me.”
He didn’t say a word as I continued.
“It’s like she gets me. All of me. The good, the bad, the stuff I don’t even like to admit to myself. No other woman has ever looked at me that way. And I’ve never wanted any other woman to look at me the way she does. I only want those eyes to be on me. And then there’s the way her breath catches when I get close or if my skin touches hers.” I picked up my empty bottle and stared into the amber glass. “I honestly don’t think I can let her go.”
Carter expelled a heavy breath. “Dude, is this about the chase? Because everyone loves the chase.” The look he gave me could only be described as hopeful. “Maybe you just need to get laid. It’s been awhile, right?”
I already knew the answer to that and shook my head. “It’s not the damn chase. God, I wish it were. But she makes me feel whole. I finally look forward to something. And don’t even get me started on her little boy.”
Carter pointed at the board as he squinted. “Is that the, uh, little O on the board?”
I glanced at the board again. “Yeah. His name’s Jase.”
Carter roughed his hair between his fingers. “Dude, you gotta step back. Watch out for her, do whatever the hell you told your brother you’d do. But you have to back away from the fire. That’s one blaze I wouldn’t mess with. She’s the one who wrote the book, too, isn’t she?”
I finally regretted all the drunken nights I told Carter far too much about my life. He was the only one around, so I’d used him as my go-to. Shay wasn’t interested in hearing me grieve anymore. That was when we called it quits. It wasn’t true love between us; I knew that now. Whatever the hell Cassie did to me, I knew my heart would never be the same. I wasn’t the sappy, emotional type, either. I’d have stayed with Shay until I knew better. Until I knew what it meant to feel something in my chest, in my stomach, and in my mind.
Feeling it was way too damn different than just living it. Living in the relationship. That’s what I did with Shay. Not until someone can accept you at your worst have you truly found the person that loves you.
“Earth to Aidan?”
Carter’s voice brought me back to reality as his questioning eyes stared at me. “What?”
“She wrote the book, didn’t she?”
I nodded, stealing a glance of it sitting on my bookshelf.
“Does she know you’ve read it like five times?” He wore a cocky grin.
I pointed at him. “No.” He was treading in shark-infested waters. “And she won’t.”
She’d never know it was her book that took me out of my funk. That reading about Jase having the best last weeks of his life made something inside me far more grateful for her than I’d ever be able to explain.
She had given him exactly what he needed. She gave him what I couldn’t. Being loved in a way that everyone should once in his lifetime was a gift no one could give to Jase but her. There was a reason she got lost and they were together. They were exactly what the other had needed.
Anyone who read her book would be a fool not to recognize it. But what came after the book? What was her next story?
The sound of the doorbell caught my attention.
“Pizza’s here,” Carter announced as he lifted himself from the couch.
“When in the hell did you order pizza?”
“During the thirty minutes or so it took you to draw out your chaotic life on that board.”
“Wallet’s on the counter,” I shouted over my shoulder as he left the room.
“Nah, I got this one.”
I stared mindlessly in front of me until he returned.
“Man’s gotta eat, right?” Carter asked while carrying a steaming pizza box.
“Yeah. What the hell.”
Grabbing a slice from the box, Carter shoved it in his mouth. “She means a lot to you, doesn’t she?”
“Are we getting mushy now?”
He grinned. “I’ve known you for quite a few years now, and no chick has ever put you in a funk this badly. Not even when you and Shay broke up.”
Because, I never felt for Shay what I felt for Cassie.
“I know. I’m fucked. My brain says to walk away. Let things be. But everything else inside tells me I can’t. I don’t want to see her get hurt. I want to stand there and take down everything in her way. But I also want to be next to her. To take her on a date, to talk with her. I want to be the guy who gets to love her.”
I wanted to be the man who got to hold her hand walking down the street. Then, for no reason, stop, push her against a building, and kiss her as if it were the last day I’d ever get to see her. Then I’d grin, knowing I was the luckiest bastard in the world because I’d get to see her the next day, and the next.
“Well, there’s obviously a reason your brother chose you rather than someone else to look after her. Maybe he knew something you didn’t.” He took another drink and set his bottle down beside the pizza box. “Alright, enough of this girl shit. We’re men. We don’t get mushy and shit. We need to slam a shot and talk about tits and ass.”
I laughed. I’d never tell him, but coming over, talking about anything but guy shit, was exactly what I needed.
A repetitive banging on the door halted our conversation. Eyeing each other, I shook my head and left for the door, leaving Carter in the kitchen. “I’ll be back,” I shouted behind me.
I peered into the peephole. I wasn’t sure if it was a full moon or what, but I’d be goddamn if Moose wasn’t at the door. I opened the door for him with a confused look on my face. “What are you doing here? I thought you’d be at Cassie’s.”
“Nope,” Moose said, short and to the point.
“Come on in. Carter’s over. We’ve got pizza and beer if you want.”
“Spill it.” He stood in the doorway as if there were warning tape blocking him from coming inside. “This weekend was a little weird, to say the least. Something’s up.”
Shit. He knew. I relaxed my body, trying not to let the nerves take over. “What do you mean?”
His hands stayed buried in his front pockets. His steady glare almost made me laugh. He was one protective son of a bitch, but I appreciated his concern. Because if it wasn’t me who had feelings for Cassie, I’d want him to do exactly this to any other poor bastard who tried to date her.
“You know exactly what I mean, D. Cassie.” His eyebrows knit together as he said her name.
I slid my hand down my face and drew in a heavy breath. “Are you going to come in?” He nodded and shuffled his way inside.
“You know I never minded you asking about Cassie and making sure she was okay, even though you never met her. Because that’s the type of guy you are. You cared about Jason and I know he told you about her. So naturally, you’re going to make sure she’s okay. It’s an admira
ble quality, it really is. But something’s off kilter. So, I’m asking you first, and then I’m asking Cass. One of you will tell me.”
I gulped, trying to widen my throat that seemed to be constricting. He was right, he’d never minded me texting him, making sure she was pulling through okay. Asking him what she was up to. He stayed in touch with her and I needed a source. It only made sense to use him.
“Last week when I saw you, you were acting weird. Then, this past weekend you were jumpy, and then there was the exchange between you and Cass. You better tell me something before I get really pissed.”
I inhaled a heavy breath and forced it out through the tight knot in my chest. “It was all a coincidence, man. Or maybe . . . maybe it wasn’t.” I gritted my teeth, struggling to make sense of my words. “Maybe it was supposed to happen. Hell if I know. Damn it, Moose.”
He didn’t move a muscle as he listened to my jumbled words. Another glimpse in his direction, and something triggered my mind.
“Wait a sec,” I said, my fingers massaging my temples. “Do you have feelings for her?” I prayed I was wrong, but it would make a whole lot of sense.
The bob of his Adam’s apple wasn’t the reaction I searched for.
“Dude, I’m not gonna lie.”
God, here it comes. I braced myself. What in the hell would I say? I wasn’t ready to let her go. He shuffled his boots on the hardwood floor and my patience wore thin. “What? Tell me. Now!”
Our eyes met and my heart sank. I knew it. I knew something would end up between those two. You couldn’t be around her and not fall for her.
“When I first saw Cass, my jaw dropped to the floor. She’s gorgeous. You know that. I’d do anything to help her and Jase. I’m Uncle Moose, for Christ’s sake. But, Dan, she’s like my sister. A sister I’d stop at nothing to protect. She’s beautiful inside and out. Thinking of her as anything but a friend makes me flippin’ ill. I love her, but not in that way. Why would you think that, anyway?”
My chest released a weight the size of a ten-story building. “You spend a lot of time with her. You’re protective. Why wouldn’t I think that?”
“She was my best friend’s girlfriend. You didn’t watch her break apart in your arms at the hospital when she said goodbye to him. You’d have stayed in touch too. Plus, she’s a cool chick. She’s not the same Cassie as she was when I first met her, but she’s tryin’. It’ll take time, but little by little she’s comin’ back.”
