Horror, Humor, and Heroes

by Jim Bernheimer

  Obediently, the man handed over the pouch. “It will be tough, but we’ll manage, somehow. I believe among the parchments, I saw what appeared to be a map.”

  A smile spread across Byron’s face. An adventure with a map! This was indeed a fortuitous turn of events. “Wonderful, a map! Hurry my, stalwart friends, for we dine on freshly cooked food tonight and we already have our next adventure!”

  As he led his companions away, Sir Byron knew he’d miss this tiny outpost of civilization. The simple folk were always so supportive, especially the way they’d line the streets and cheer as the group rode out of town.

  #

  Duncan’s head throbbed with the onset of a massive headache as he watched the foursome head towards The Dancing Pig. Sir Butthead always found it necessary to shout and repeat whatever he had just said. It was yet another reason to loathe him. Did the adventurers ever wonder why the Royal Court always sent them out into the countryside?

  Shrugging, Duncan wondered why they couldn’t have come up with this plan a month ago. He should follow them, but he found it best if he dealt with them in small doses. Instead, he helped Tom with their horses.

  “What are these?” Tom asked pointing at the massive boots.

  “Brokenfang’s chew toys. We had them enchanted so they’d magically repair themselves every night.”

  “Wow! I still can’t believe they killed Brokenfang! That must have been some fight!”

  Duncan sighed, “He was old and a heavy sleeper. They probably caught him during a nap.” That same wild look in Tom’s eyes stopped him, a distant yearning for a life extraordinary. Duncan decided to nip that in the bud.

  Clapping Tom on the back, Duncan smiled at the teenager. “Tom, you know Sabrina, the Innkeeper’s daughter?” Some semblance of intelligence returned to the boy’s eyes followed by a glazed look of another sort. “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but you know the pond over to the east? Well on the hottest days, towards sunset, I’ve heard that she sneaks off and goes skinny-dipping out there.”

  Mentally, Duncan apologized to Sabrina and Otis, but it was better that Tom turn into a pervert than an adventurer. He’d have to ask Sabrina if she was willing to do the whole “water nymph” thing again, but he felt he owed it to Tom’s mother. She’d lost Tom’s father to adventuring. Maybe Tom needed a job that kept him away from personal contact with that sort of people. The mines could always use another strapping young lad.

  Walking back to the inn, Tom finally managed to remove his mind from the gutter and form a complete thought. “Sir, pardon me for asking, but I thought the town’s treasure was only the small pile of gold? Didn’t all the rest belong to Brokenfang?”

  “It did.”

  “Then why’d you tell them that it all belonged to the town?”

  “Tom, it’s like this. If something ever happened to Brokenfang, he’d have wanted us to have the gold. When adventurers get their grubby little hands on that kind of money, the first thing they’ll do is build a castle.”

  Duncan paused. Tom wasn’t the sharpest sword in the armory. So, he gave the boy a moment to digest his before continuing, “Most likely, they’d build it right here. They’d even offer to pay us to build it for them.”

  Tom protested. “But that would mean lots of jobs!”

  “Yes, but when we couldn’t build it fast enough, they’d send for labor from all the surrounding towns which would create a whole bunch of unemployment and crime problems for the entire valley when their castle was finished. What would they pay everyone with? You guessed it; the money Brokenfang wanted us to have in the first place. This way, we cut out the whole building a castle for people we don’t want here anyway part. Does that make sense?”

  A glimmer of understanding appeared in the boy’s eyes. Duncan knew it wasn’t much, but it was a start. He smiled.

  There was much to do. He’d have to send guards to Brokenfang’s cave until a replacement guardian could be found. With adventurers running rampant these days, the magical creature market was rather tight. They’d have to offer some hefty incentives to attract anything worthwhile.

  Still, everyone would be out for tomorrows “going away” that would be immediately followed by the town-wide “going away party.” If any town ever deserved a reason to celebrate, it was this one!

  Tom was quiet through all this and Duncan wondered if he’d been too harsh in shattering some of his illusions. Finally, the boy responded, “I guess I understand. Still, I always thought it’d be great to be an adventurer, like my dad.”

  Duncan shook his head wryly at the boy. “Do us all a favor and get a real job.”

  A Matter of Perspective

  by Jim Bernheimer

  Bunny had no idea how much she hurt me. For months, I searched for a way to make things right. Now, I was finally ready. After tonight, we’d be together.

  “Don’t you know when you’re not wanted, Howard? This is beyond pathetic. Do we need to get a restraining order?” The voice belonged to Constance Edwards, Bunny’s best friend and fellow socialite.

  “It’s nice to know that I can always count on you, Constance.”

  She ignored my sarcasm. “Quit being an annoyance and just move on. She doesn’t want you. Honestly, I don’t know what Bunny saw in you to begin with! I told her that she should have just gotten one of those little dogs.”

  Glaring at me with that condescending look on her face, she sipped one of those pretentious apple martinis, and smoothed the fabric of her Christian Dior original. There were no words to express how much I loathed this meddling woman.

  “Face it, Howard. You’re just what she came up with when she went slumming for a nerd. Did you think you really belonged in this world? Oh that’s just priceless, you actually did!”

  “Bunny needs to stop listening to people like you. She’s just confused.”

  Bunny stepped a few feet away from the group and gave me a look of scorn mixed with embarrassment. At least she was looking at me. The rest of the crowd at Bunny’s twenty-third birthday party joined Constance in laughter.

  My sweet Bunny finally spoke, “Just let it go, Howard.”

  I glanced at the device in my hand, the pinnacle of my creativity, condensed into something only slightly larger than a remote control. Originally, my plan was just to get my beautiful Bunny away from these bad influences and help her stand up to the people who said we didn’t belong together, but now I realized that wouldn’t be enough.

  Constance spotted my creation. “Oh my, look everyone! It’s another one of Howard’s idiotic inventions. Bunny used to think they were cute, but they’re really quite tiresome, not anything you can even sell to make a living. Well, what is this one supposed to do?”

  Her voice reached a level where most of the conversation ceased and even the string quartet stopped playing. Bunny’s father was already motioning for the security guards. I shuffled my feet and grimaced. It was now or never.

  “It’s a reality inverter, Connie.” I practically spat out the words. I’m not certain what she saw in my face, but for the first time she seemed to be taking me seriously. With a profound sense of irony, my fingers quickly toggled the controls and I brandished it at her.

  Depressing the center switch, I grinned as an orange beam of light bathed Constance. For a moment, my heart stopped. It didn’t work! She took an angry step forward, but stopped and looked at her hand. The immaculately manicured nails blurred and shifted, becoming longer and changing into the press-on variety. The color went from a white crème to a garish gold tint. The glow spread and her horror intensified as her diamond studded tennis bracelet morphed into a cheap cubic zirconium imitation. It was the type normally found on late night shopping channels.

  I savored watching her face as the conversion process hit her designer label dress and it began altering into an obvious knock off. Constance stumbled and her eyes pleaded with me until the aura completely enveloped her.

  People backed away from her and stared as the
glow receded. She was the same, but different. Her hair no longer testified to several hundred dollars and half a day spent at an upscale salon; it was likely a home permanent. Her martini became some colorful fruity-looking drink with a tiny umbrella in it.

  “I almost dropped my drink! What’s going on here? How come the music stopped playing? Where is everybody?” Connie drawled with a horrible accent. My invention worked! Constance’s new reality was a trailer park gossip queen. It suited her remarkably well.

  Her latest boy toy and two others shook themselves out of their stupor. They charged me. Instinctively, I whipped the beam across them. Out of the glow stepped three good old boys in cowboy boots and mullets where arrogant Harvard MBAs once stood. Connie, who was outside of our reality and oblivious to everyone else except the newly arrived trio, immediately started making cow eyes at them.

  The crowd collectively sucked in their breath, imagining what might happen to them. I can’t say what came over me, but I started sweeping the energy beam across the crowd. The young violinist on stage still had her instrument in hand, but was now standing in a tight mini, warbling out a passable version of a Carrie Underwood tune and joined by the rest of her barely recognizable band.

  Bunny’s oh so polite mother had turned into a chain-smoking, whiskey-swilling firebrand. Instead of that tiny annoying poodle, the thing gracing her side was a leashed pot bellied pig. To my amusement, she tossed back another shot, took a deep breath and continued yelling at her stuffed shirt husband. The volume rivaled the amplified singer’s voice.

  I started cackling. It was all too funny. Those already transformed were milling about having a fine time while I was protected in my Heisenberg field. Very few unaltered people remained in the former reality. Most were trying to reach the exits. I gleefully inverted them all – until only Bunny and I were left. In a room full of people, we were all alone.

  “Howard, I don’t know what you did, but fix them right now!” She stamped her foot and pointed her finger accusingly at me. Her tone was commanding, yet fearful at the same time.

  “From where I’m standing it’s an improvement. Don’t worry, I’ll fix them in a minute and they’ll never know, but look at them Bunny. Without the money and the upbringing, they’re nothing special. You don’t have to toe your father’s line. We can be together, like it was meant to be.”

  She shook her head, “But it wasn’t meant to be, Howard. Now just fix this … please.”

  “No! We belong together. It’s these people controlling your life and telling you what to think. I know you didn’t want to break up with me! Don’t you understand how much I love you?”

  Bunny walked toward me using a consoling tone, “Now Howard, we had a lot of fun, but it wasn’t love. You’re a great guy. It wasn’t you. It was me.”

  “What are you saying?” I stammered in disbelief. This wasn’t happening – not after all I’d sacrificed.

  “I take full responsibility for all of it. So, why don’t you just fix all of this and we’ll just go our separate ways? I mean this is really impressive. You just altered reality! That must be Nobel Prize worthy. I’d just be holding you back. You deserve someone that will truly appreciate the special person that you are.”

  It was then my own reality dawned. Bunny didn’t love me. She probably never did. Those kind words … all the cuddling at her loft … it was all a lie. Her father was just an excuse she used when she became bored!

  The next revelation hit; with this device, I could have anything and everything I ever wanted. How had I been so small minded? All this for her?

  Barely conscious of what I was doing, my hand pointed the inverter at her. Though the power cells were taxed, the ray cut through the distance between us.

  “Howard! No!” She protested as the light engulfed her. Her wavy brown hair with frosted highlights straightened and turned peroxide blonde. Bunny’s eyes, filled with anger and fear, dulled as an expensive Oxford education was ripped away along with perhaps twenty points of IQ.

  I watched her chest swell to a ridiculous size and humorously thought about how reality could give and take at the same time. Oddly, her dress didn’t change all that much, even with Bunny’s new enhancements. The fabric strained to contain her new figure and suddenly the woman I’d spent all this effort on, obsessed over and wasted two years of my life with, was no more.

  In her place gyrated a big boobed floozy – the kind Bunny looked on with scorn. She bounced around the dance floor and threw back shots of liquor. “Wohoo! Look at me boys! I’m twenty-three and now that I got my dental hygienist certificate there’s no place to go but up!”

  The men surrounding her cheered, but paid scant attention to the piece of paper she was waving around or anything except her massive breasts. Ironically, the old Bunny wouldn’t even consider a career. This was a good look for her, for all of them.

  Why should I bother reversing it?

  I wandered through the hall for ten minutes, protected in my bubble and unseen by all these bumpkins, while basking in my newfound power. I could turn princes into paupers, be anyone, and do anything. All reality was my plaything. It was glorious!

  Suddenly, I smelled ozone and looked at my invention. How did I not notice how warm it was? I’d never inverted this much before and was on the verge of malfunctioning. My Heisenberg field was collapsing! I had to act quickly before it was too…

  #

  “Oh, hey Howie, it’s good to see you. What’ve you got there?” I heard Connie’s husky and slightly drunken voice. I was staring at this smoldering piece of cheap electronics and trying to remember something important. We’d never really gotten along, but it looked like the road back to Bunny went through her.

  “Ah, hell! I dunno. I figured a fancy place like this probably had some pay per view.” Shrugging, I tossed the piece of junk on the table. “I’m okay with electronics, but give me a big block four fifty-four and I’ll show you something. Anyways, you look mighty nice tonight, Connie. It’s been awhile.”

  She responded with a blush. “Why thank you, Howie. I must say, I’m a bit surprised to see you here tonight. Have you come to patch things up between you and Bunny?”

  I looked over at my ex with a whole gaggle of guys fighting just to be around her. “I reckon by the looks of things, she’s moved on.”

  Connie leaned in, all close like, and basically shoved her chest into my face. “Howie, don’t you let that fool you. Bunny’s been tore up and crying in her cups about the way you two broke up. She might not look it, but she’s hurting and drinking heavy. Now you didn’t hear this from me, but I know for a fact that she’s about had it with her daddy’s meddling and ready to tell him where to stick all his money. Between your engine shop and her new career, you two kids will be just fine. Of course, you could always forget about Bunny and start checking the air in my little old tires.”

  I considered making a comment about retreads, but that was no way to speak to a lady. Besides, Connie seemed genuinely concerned about Bunny, or as genuine as Connie Edwards ever got. “Thanks for the offer. It’s nice to know that I can always count on you, Connie.”

  As soon as I said it, there was that same weird feeling again, like something just wasn’t quite right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

  “Something wrong, sweetie?”

  “Nah, I guess not. What’s Bunny been drinking tonight?”

  “The hard stuff. She’s too damn stubborn to admit how much she needs you in her life. Of course, she might have enough alcohol in her right about now to say how she really feels. Speaking of liquor confessions, I owe you an apology for the way I behaved.”

  “It’s water under the bridge, Connie. Well, if I’m gonna do this; I’d better do it quickly. Bunny’s probably only a shot or two away from reliving that whole Girls Gone Wild incident. I should be a gentleman and cut in before everyone gets a free peek at the nicest set of jugs money can buy. Wish me luck.”

  She gave me a peck on the cheek and a pat on the
rump. “Go get her, Howie. I just know you’re gonna change her world for the better.”

  The View from My Room

  by Jim Bernheimer

  Have you ever met a person, who is famous – just because? Well, that’s me.

  I’m Adam Cornell, also known as the first person born on the Moon – the very first native Lunatic. We tried other names, but never could quite get away from being Lunatics – or Loonies. Mom always says that if I had been a girl, she would have demanded that Dad cough up a rib. It was a long time before I got that joke.

  I’ll be damned if I know what’s so special about me, but for reasons I can’t even fathom, people want to know me. How many teenagers who aren’t actors or some other kind of child prodigy have a fan club – or an action figure? It’s not like I’m one of the astronauts that landed on Mars! The attention is usually pretty cool, but sometimes it kind of scares me. I’ve always had a quarter of a million miles separating me from the real nut jobs. Unless I catch a break, that’s going to change.