Horror, Humor, and Heroes

by Jim Bernheimer

  It’s tempting to make her beg, but I’m not that heartless. “Yeah, I’ll take a four hour shift with the girls. Why don’t you get some sleep?”

  Aphrodite gives me a thankful smile and says, “I just can’t believe how mean the two of them are. Holly actually asked me if my new haircut meant that I was a dyke. They’re supposed to be my friends!”

  “That’s just the withdrawal symptoms talking. Even with your psychic whammy, they’re still hurting. Have you managed to get anything useful out of them yet?”

  “If you count Keisha giving me a detailed list of anatomical suggestions, most of which are impossible, then yes. If not, no. I’m beginning to wish that you really had tanks of knockout gas.”

  I shrug, while she mutters about how she fell for that one. “It’s never easy is it? Just go get some rest and I will handle this problem. Do you happen to know what music they really hate?”

  Stacy winces, knowing what’s going to happen, “Keisha hates classical music with a passion. I’ve never heard Holly say that she hates any particular brand of music.”

  “Which do you think I should start with Wagner’s Flight of the Valkyries, or perhaps a tribute to the great Ludwig Van? It worked in Kubrick’s movie.”

  “What?”

  Oh, she did not just ask that! “Never mind. The white noise generator should keep it from bothering you.”

  “What have you been doing up here? New version of the suit?”

  “I’m that predictable?”

  “Yes. What was so wrong with the last one?”

  “The rifleman version was good for medium to long distance fighting. Ares got me into close combat and I don’t want to count on dumb luck again.”

  Stacy affects an air of interest. “Rifleman version? What’s this version going to be called?”

  “Screaming Cyclops. I’m keeping my hands free and moving the single force blaster into the larger helmet. If I simplify the arms and legs, there’s less of a chance of things going wrong and more room for extra muscle and shielding. I’m adding a shoulder mounted grenade launcher for concussion grenades.”

  She leans over the schematics and I become acutely aware of her presence. “Okay, I get the Cyclops part. What makes it screaming?”

  “The thorax has a variable frequency generator in it?”

  “That’s a fancy way of saying that you copied the Bugler isn’t it?”

  “Um...”

  Now she’s genuinely laughing, “After all the bitching you’ve been doing about the Biloxi Bugler, you’re copying him?”

  “It’s not how it looks! ... Okay, it is how it looks, but sonic weapons have a much lower power consumption rate and it makes an effective secondary weapon that doesn’t take up much space.”

  “If you say so. Are you making a new rifle then?”

  I gesture to the six disassembled pulse pistols and the long cylinder. “I’m going to combine those into a Gatling configuration for medium to short range firepower. I’ll trade stopping power for rate of fire and still keep energy consumption down.”

  “Sounds like it will work. Good luck with that. Thanks for giving me a break. Don’t be too hard on them, they’re my friends.”

  I’m shocked at her encouragement, she must be tired. “Get some rest, Stacy.”

  A few minutes later, I am indulging in the most useless waste of time ever. I’m listening to an addict rant. Holly Crenshaw is supposedly a level-headed woman – the Goddess of Wisdom. Hell, she’s led the Olympians almost as much as Hera.

  In between the usual insults, she tries to go after me about Stacy. “You know this is the only way you’ll ever have a shot with her, Stringel.”

  “You’re a lousy addict, Crenshaw. Of course I don’t have a chance.”

  She frowns seeing that I’m not biting and then offers up a new tactic, “But you could with me.”

  “No thanks, Holly. That didn’t work when Stacy was in there and we both know she’s way better looking than you. Besides, in a couple days you are going to start smelling pretty fresh unless you start taking care of some basic hygiene. Your kind offer will start losing a good deal of its appeal by then.”

  Because of Aphrodite’s powers, both seem more coherent. It doesn’t stop them from being bitches, but their rants at least make more sense.

  She summons an energy spear and hurls it against the walls, protected by a force field generator. It’s creating a strain on my base’s power supply, but things are okay for the moment. With any luck, Hermes will detox in a few days because of her freakish metabolism. Three people watching one is much better than two trying to watch two.

  “You should cut Aphrodite some slack. She’s trying to save you. If it was up to me, I’d have picked Hermes and just left you. After all, you’re not really much of a leader, are you? You and the rest of the heroes let the world get overrun. Face it, Crenshaw, which one of us is the real loser?”

  I walk away from her cell while mentally patting myself on the back. The great and mighty Athena needs some help hitting rock bottom and I am only too happy to assist. Thirty feet later, I’m at Keisha St. Croix’s cell. I don’t have a force field generator on this one and the walls and door are already showing the effects of her sustained blows. I keep a white noise generator running so neither of the two prisoners can communicate.

  Instantly, she appears at the small opening. Tiny slivers of porcelain from the shattered toilet fly through the crack and ricochet off my helmet.

  “Cute. Ineffective as hell, but still cute. I brought you a bucket for when you need to go poopies.”

  “Better say your prayers now, metal man. I will make sure your death is so fast you won’t even know what hit you!”

  “No, I was stopping by to thank you. Beneath the concrete and metal of the floor and walls is a layer of kinetic receptors. All that running around you are doing and all that pounding on the walls, it’s helping to power my base. Considering how much you eat, I just wanted you to know that you are least earning your keep.”

  She snarls at me and begins yelling so fast and so profanely that I could swear there were ten comedians in there, all telling their nastiest jokes at the same time. I wish I had kinetic receptors in the floor and all kinds of other cool toys, but sometimes a lie is just as effective. The funny thing is that they keep right on believing me. Their cravings make them gullible and their ego reinforces the fact that no mere prison cell can hold them.

  I decide to see how far I can push this. “Listen, Keisha ... can I call you that? Anyway, I’m probably going to have to turn one of you two loose. I could probably be talked into letting you go if you’ve got some useful information. Otherwise, it’ll probably end up being Athena who gets to go back to the bugs. She’s been a fountain of information.”

  Hermes screams in rage, “Let me go! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

  “Where are all the android heroes being held?”

  “Go to hell!”

  “Aw c’mon Keisha, it’s just you and me. You can tell me where those guys are. In fact, I just happen to have something you really want.”

  I pull out a plastic case and hold it up to let her see. Inside of it there’s a bug moving around. I’m guessing Stacy wouldn’t approve of this technique – too bad she’s not here.

  Keisha starts talking. She doesn’t stop for almost ten minutes, before refusing to say anything else until she gets the bug.

  Smiling, I open the service hatch and drop it in to the bucket. Interfacing with the cell door control, I opened her side. She whips the box inside and frantically opens the top. I’m already turning down my external microphones as screams of anguish emanate from her prison. I should feel bad using a holographic chip to trick her like that, but I don’t.

  Instead, I start casually back towards Athena’s cell and grab the other holographic bug box, so I can get some independent verification. Activating the music system, I pull up a file of somebody’s Philharmonic Orchestra doing Beethoven’s greatest hits.
I hope she enjoys the concert. After I get done with Holly, I think she should learn to appreciate speedmetal.

  Someone famous once said, “War makes good people do bad things.” If that’s the case, it also makes bad people even worse.

  Chapter 4

  Free Choice and Other Positively Stellar Ideas

  It’s getting crowded in the Sty after our raid to free Andydroid and the Cyber Dudes. Fortunately, they don’t need to eat and are actually willing to help immediately. The Silicon Sisterhood appears to have gone on to the scrap heap in the sky. We didn’t net any Olympians this time, only a couple of minor villains that were assigned to guard them – Squirrel King and Toadspit.

  Here I thought all the rehabbing females developed nasty hygiene problems. These guys were questionable even before the bugs and no one was prepared for excessive amounts of body hair and mucus, but hey, Squirrel King can summon a legion of tiny forest critters and Toadspit can ... well, he spits and that cell is getting downright nasty. Clearly having them on our side tilts the balance of power, but I just can’t come up with a use for them other than to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide.

  My other problem is Athena. Now free, she’s gone from an annoying nuisance to a genuine pain in the ass. We butt heads on a routine basis. Take right now for example.

  “Stringel! Where the hell is your inventory? I need to know what you have, how much you have, and I need to know it now.”

  Athena looks impatient while Aphrodite lingers in the doorway trying to decide if she needs to play peacekeeper.

  “I think it’s around here somewhere.” I fish around on my desk for a moment. Coming up with a clipboard, I toss it to her.

  She looks down at the pad of paper attached, “It’s blank.”

  “Oh right, here’s a pen. Let me know if you can’t access any of the storage closets, Holly. I might have a couple of them still restricted.”

  “What kind of shitty fly by night operation have you got here, Stringel?”

  I almost fall back on the backup base excuse, but frankly I’m tired of her griping, “The same one that rescued you. You want an inventory, have at it or delegate it to your speedster and the androids. I’m busy.”

  With a nasty glare, she says, “It’d go faster if you pitch in. As you’re so fond of reminding me, this is your shithole.”

  “Well let’s see, I could stop working on these concussion grenades and trying to figure out something that we can use to protect Hermes without weighing her down too much, but I don’t think so. Even though I’ve been dying to know how many rectal thermometers I have, I’ll just let someone else tell me. You want it done, feel free. Don’t forget to add the stick up your ass to the list. That’ll come in handy, I’m sure.”

  She storms out of the room in anger. Beneath my helmet I’m grinning. Sometimes, embracing my pettiness is the best course of action.

  “You should try to get along better with her. She’s under a lot of stress.” Stacy says as she walks into my workshop. She’s out of her armor in a very loose set of coveralls. Amazingly enough, the two cases of coveralls that are on hand are all my size.

  “And I’m not? She should be a bit more grateful. You want to know what I think? She’s pissed because a ‘nobody’ like me is responsible for saving her ass.”

  Her lips purse tightly. “You’re not a ‘nobody.’ Don’t say that. Just do me a favor and try to get along with her. We need her tactics as much as we need your firepower. Right now, you’re our heavy hitter.”

  “That doesn’t really say much for you guys.”

  She slaps my shoulder, “Quit. I’ve seen you take out a good portion of my team including some of the most powerful around. Technically, you’re two and oh against the Olympians.”

  “You’re forgetting that the first one was a poorly executed trap. The second one? Well, they were a bunch of brainwashed zombies and we had two hundred robots to slow them down. Don’t go promoting me to the big leagues just yet.”

  “I’ll be back in a minute. Wait right here.”

  I start to say, ‘Where the hell else would I go?’ but I bite it back. Curious, I tap into the base feed and follow her as she goes back to her room that she shares with Athena. She pulls some familiar books from the dresser. What is she doing with those?

  She brings Vicky’s old tawdry romance books back with her. “I grabbed these at that storage depot. They were your girlfriend’s right?”

  I’m somewhat choked up for reasons I can’t quite fathom. “Yeah. Have you been reading them?”

  “When I’m bored,” she says and laughs, “Even the Goddess of Love needs an occasional inspiration, but you should have them.”

  “I’m more of a technical manual kind of guy. Keep them and enjoy them. It’s a nice gesture. I appreciate it.”

  “You’re welcome. I’ll speak to Athena and tell her to back off. I’m going to go help her with that inventory, but afterwards can you walk me through some of the maintenance on my armor?”

  “Is something wrong? I can fix it.”

  “No, but down the road, I might need to fix it when you’re not around. I’m thinking of buying it off of you after all this is over.”

  “Really?”

  She grins, “I’ve always been considered one of the weaker Olympians, yet there I was holding my own against Hera and Athena at the same time. A gal could get used to that. So, you mind showing me some of the basics?”

  “Uh, sure.”

  “Thanks. I’ll come by this evening.” She walks off and I focus on the gentle sway of her bottom as she heads out the door.

  Okay, I’m officially confused as hell.

  #

  On the security cameras, I follow her back to her room. She pulls Athena in and I turn up the volume.

  “Holly, damnit! Do you have to be such a bitch to him? I know you’re still coming off that bug juice, but give him a break.”

  “Why are you defending him? He’s not even a ‘has been,’ more like a ‘never was.’ Ultraweapon could run circles around him.”

  I wince. Stacy glares at her friend. “Cal’s a lot sharper than you give him credit for. Do you really think Lazarus, without all his engineers and resources, would be that much better? Cut Cal some slack. He’s actually a decent guy and he’s obviously got some self-esteem issues. You’re not making things better.”

  Somewhat stunned at her proclamation, I barely catch Athena asking, “How so?”

  “Ever see him completely out of his armor? He’ll take off the gauntlets and maybe the helmet while he’s working, but I’ve been here for nearly six weeks and he’s always in it.”

  Athena seems unimpressed. “He’s a liability. How many times have we worked with the bad guys only to have them screw us at some critical point? Tell me one time that it’s worked out? That’s right! I thought so.”

  “Look, he didn’t do this. He’s a real person too. Even after he let me out, up until we brought you and Keisha back, I was treating him the same way you are right now. I stopped before you got out of the cells when I saw Keisha doing it too. Cal needs some encouragement.”

  “If you really want to make him feel better, you’ll do what you usually do, Stacy, jump his bones a few times.”

  There’s an awkward moment of silence before Athena speaks up again. “Shit! I’m sorry, Stacy. I didn’t mean to say that. I’m still not right.”

  Aphrodite wipes a tear from her eye. “Do you need another pick me up?”

  Athena nods her head and I watch Stacy’s aura flare. A tendril of energy flicks out and Athena’s expression softens as a delirious smile spreads across her face.

  “Thanks I needed that. You might have overdone it. Now, I’m horny.”

  “In that case, maybe you should be the one jumping his bones,” Stacy laughs.

  Crenshaw makes a face. “Not likely. He’s better than the guys in the cells, but not by much. I wonder if Andy is anatomically correct.”

  “You’re awful! So can you play nice with
Cal? C’mon Holly, give him a chance. I’m not taking any static from you.”

  “I’ll try, but he’s still a prick. I do not have a stick up my ass.”

  Aphrodite really laughs. “Yes, you do. Now let’s go see how many rolls of toilet paper he has in this dump.”

  “Hey, you just called it a dump!”

  “It is, but you don’t have to rub his face in it.”

  #

  Her comment about static got me thinking. The result is a belt with a large buckle around St. Croix’s waist. Hermes is looking at it skeptically.