“No way, Yoda, I want to be the best. If I’m playing a game, I want to win.” That was true. I wouldn’t have made it as far as I had in hockey without being pretty damned competitive.
Winslow just grinned at me, then held one hand flat like it was a notebook and pretended to write in it with the other. “Shows good fire and intensity,” he said in a serious voice. Then he forced away a grin and added, “But does not show proper respect for his teammates or for classic movie heroes.”
“Me and Karen are going swimming this afternoon, before the team dinner,” I said. I hadn’t planned this and had no idea if it was a good idea, but I decided to keep going anyway. The locker room was still crowded, and I didn’t want to make a public announcement so I lowered my voice a little and added, “It’s supposed to be low-key. You know, not a big public event. But if you wanted to come? Maybe I could ask Cooper and Dawn, too.”
“You and Karen, Cooper and Dawn…” Winslow shook his head. “Are you going to make me do it, my friend? If you guys all couple up, do I have to find a girlfriend, too? No more puck bunnies?”
“Don’t call Karen my girlfriend,” I warned. “Not in front of her. It’s a bit weird. Probably not going to happen at all, really. So, no, I don’t think you have to couple up just to be one of the team.”
“Good,” he said with an exaggerated sigh of relief. Then he looked at me a little more seriously. “Why isn’t it going to happen? You and Karen. What’s the problem?”
That wasn’t an easy question to answer. Well, there was one easy answer, but it wouldn’t tell the whole story, and I didn’t want to get into details. So instead I said, “I just don’t think I can do it, man. I can’t… I can’t keep denying my true feelings, you know? It’s you, Winslow. It’s always been you. No matter how hard I tried to distract myself, I couldn’t do it. And I can’t hide it anymore.” I stood up, zipped up my jeans and then loudly said, “Chris Winslow, I love you. I have always loved you and I always will. Please, Chris, say you love me back.”
Winslow had a strange expression on his face, like he wasn’t sure whether to laugh or be horrified, and I knew at once that there was more to it than a reaction to my nonsense. I stared at him, and he slowly nodded behind me. I turned, and there they were—Coach, my dad, and the scout, standing in the doorway staring at me.
“He’s not gay!” my dad said quickly, turning to the scout with a forced grin. “Far from it! You should see the list of bunnies he’s bagged!”
I have no idea what possessed me, but I shrugged nonchalantly and looked the scout straight in the eyes as I said, “Might have been denial. Or over-compensation. Right?”
The scout nodded slowly. “Maybe,” he agreed. “I know my brother slept with quite a few women before he came out.”
In the awkward silence, I tried to figure out whether pretending to be in love with your best friend was homophobic. I didn’t think so…it was the being in love with Winslow part that was ridiculous, not the being gay part. But I wasn’t sure the scout with a gay brother would see it the same way. I suddenly didn’t care whether he thought I was a good player or the right fit for his team, but I really didn’t want him to think I was an asshole. “I hope he’s happier now,” I said. It was probably ridiculous, and I could see that my dad wanted me to shut up. “Your brother,” I clarified.
“I think he is,” the scout agreed, then turned to look at my coach. “Interesting group you’ve assembled here.”
Coach nodded and didn’t seem too worried about anything. “Some of them have character, some of them are characters.” He rolled his eyes in my direction. “Sometimes I’m not sure which is which.”
“Tyler’s got a lot of character,” my dad said quickly. He turned to me and said, “What was that award you won at the camp? Two years in a row he was a counselor there, and two years in a row he got the same award. What was it? Most Popular Counselor, something like that?”
“Biggest Character,” I said. It wasn’t true, but I was kind of enjoying seeing my dad’s face turn different colors. I figured that if this scout was looking for reasons to not like me, I’d already given him a few, so there was no reason to not give him a few more.
“Biggest Pain in the Ass,” my dad responded, and there was a warning tone in his voice.
I didn’t want to get into a full-scale argument right there in the locker room, so I turned around to find my shirt and break the tension a little. When I turned back the scout was still watching me, though, and my dad was still watching the scout. The rest of the room was quiet, pretending to go about their business, but I could tell they were all watching, too.
“I hope you saw good things at practice,” I said to the scout. I was the captain and should be acting that way. “We weren’t going full-strength on the checking, obviously, but even at half-power, Winslow was knocking people around, wasn’t he? You should see him in a game. Nobody gets through him. And Cooper had that sweet shot late in the scrimmage… I wish we’d had a radar gun on it to see how fast it was going.”
“And you?” the scout asked with a raised eyebrow. “What did you do that should have impressed me?”
There wasn’t much to say. I’d done my job and played my game, but I hadn’t really shone at anything that I could think of.
“The teleportation was useful,” Winslow said with a look in Cooper’s direction, and Cooper nodded.
“Teleportation?” the scout asked.
Cooper was the one to answer him. “We say Mac can teleport. Because whenever there’s a spot, and you say, damn, if there was somebody in that spot I could totally make things happen, all of a sudden, Mac’s there. Coach says it’s because he’s smart and can read how the play is going to go and get himself in position, but Winslow and me…we know Mac’s not all that smart. So we figure he must be able to teleport.”
The scout nodded. Then he grinned in Winslow’s direction and held up his hand like a notepad, using his other to write imaginary notes, making it clear just how long he’d been eavesdropping on our locker room conversation. “Shows good sense of teamwork and comradeship,” he said seriously, then added, “May not be totally in touch with reality as we know it.”
They left, then, my dad looking like he wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or pissed off. I turned around and flopped down on the bench by my locker. It should have been nice to hear my teammates saying those things about me, but really it just made me feel more nervous, like they were building an even higher pedestal for me to fall off. “That was one scout on a fucking preliminary visit. We’re supposed to be able to keep this up for a full season?”
“It’s all part of the test,” Winslow said, clapping me on the shoulder. “They want to see how we can handle pressure.”
“Or they just get their kicks out of torturing us,” Cooper said.
Suddenly, I really wanted to get out of there. “You and Dawn want to go swimming?” I asked Cooper. “Winslow doesn’t want to be the third wheel, but he’d probably be okay with being the fifth.”
“Sounds good. I’ll give Dawn a call. If she can’t make it, Winslow can be my date.” Cooper smiled in his direction. “Mac’s not the only one who’s got his eye on you, sweetheart.”
“It’s nice to be wanted,” Winslow said blandly.
I wasn’t really listening anymore. I wanted to get the hell out of there and go pick Karen up. So I did. We went down to the lake, and it wasn’t long before the others joined us. Dawn and Karen seemed to get along, and they led the conversation to places it would never have gone if it was just us guys. That is, we talked about things other than hockey. It was a good afternoon, and I knew I wasn’t the only one who wished we could stay at the lake instead of going back in and getting ready for dinner.
But it was the first team dinner of the year, and it wouldn’t look good if both captains blew it off. Winslow probably could have escaped if he’d tried, but his whole family had come up for it and they wouldn’t have been impressed. So we took a final dip and hea
ded back to the cars, the sun and the wind drying us as we walked.
It had been a good afternoon, and it would have felt totally natural to stick around a bit after the other cars had left, would have felt right to lean Karen up against the side of the truck and kiss her. Nothing more than that, probably, just…just making out a bit. Making it clear that I wanted there to be something more between us, without pressuring her to decide exactly what that should look like.
Yeah, that would have felt natural, but it was almost certainly against the rules. So we climbed into the truck and drove back into town. I knew Karen’s skin would be warm from the sun and smell like the lake, and I had to pretend I wasn’t thinking about any of that. It felt like just one more game I was playing, one more lie I was telling to the world. I was the only one who knew the truth, and I was pretty sure that if I tried to tell anyone else about it, they’d just want me to shut up. So I kept quiet, and I smiled when Karen wanted me to. It was the best I could think to do.
Chapter Eighteen
- Karen -
This time when Tyler pulled up outside the house to drop me off after our swim, there was no crowd of family members in the front yard, but I still felt awkward. It had been a great afternoon. We’d gotten along well, we’d had fun. There had been several times that I’d wanted him to kiss me, and I definitely felt like he returned the interest, but he hadn’t made a move. And now, sitting in his truck, it seemed like another natural time for us to slide closer together and let our bodies do what they wanted. But instead of letting any of that happen, or making any of it happen, I just gave him a small smile and slid out of my seat. “Thanks,” I said. “That was fun.”
He nodded. “Yeah. I’ll give you a call, okay? Or you can call me. Or I’ll see you at school on Tuesday. Something.”
So many options, but I still felt like I didn’t have any choice in the matter. I’d see him, sure, but I was too weak to trust myself to really take advantage of it. “Okay,” I said, and I headed toward the house. I thought about the first day of school, and how maybe I’d see him walking down the hall with another girl, smiling at her in his sweet way, and I knew I’d have nothing to complain about, nothing to reproach him with.
I was feeling almost queasy as I made my way around the back of the house and toward the kitchen door. I’d apparently decided that the front door was off limits, and now it always seemed like I was sneaking around. One more weird, pointless decision on my part.
My random angst turned into full-blown anxiety when I walked into the kitchen and saw Natalie standing at the counter, her hands gripping the edges of the sink as if she were trying to keep herself from being blown away in a tornado. Will was a few feet behind her, his expression strained.
He turned to look at me, but she didn’t. Somehow, I knew too much. I knew she wasn’t looking at me because if she did I’d see that she was crying. I knew that he was the one who’d made her cry. Probably cheating, but it didn’t really matter. He looked guilty and almost shocked. I could see him trying to work up to being indignant, as if her reaction was out of line, as if she should have just shrugged off whatever his current transgression was.
Will was my father, but I wanted to go over and give Natalie a hug, maybe even kiss her cheek and whisper some words of comfort. Instead, I turned my head and found my way down to the basement.
Surprise number two. All three kids were down there in the rec room, huddled on the big leather sofa with their faces tense. Matt was at one end looking concerned, and Sara and Miranda were cuddled up together at the other end. Their saccharine-sweet “we all love and support each other” bullshit should have made me nauseated, but it didn’t.
I had no idea what to say, so I headed into my bedroom and shut the door. I didn’t know if this was typical, just another fight in a stormy marriage, or if it was something bigger than that. The kids didn’t seem to be taking it too well, and that wasn’t a good sign.
How much of this was my fault? I hadn’t exactly been a ray of sunshine since I’d arrived. Well, that was a bit of an understatement. I’d been a nightmare for the entire family, an unwelcome reminder of Will’s past misbehavior who refused to shut up and let things settle down. Miranda was a bitch, no doubt, but I hadn’t been much better, and it had been Natalie who’d been stuck between the two of us.
I was tempted to go back out to the rec room. I could sit on the floor, not presuming to be part of their little club but still close enough to draw a bit of comfort. Maybe I’d lean back against the sofa and somebody would put their hand on my shoulder.
Or maybe Miranda would kick me in the kidneys and then start screaming at me to go back to where I came from and get out of their perfect lives.
Not a chance I was willing to take, so I lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling, instead.
When I finally emerged from my cave and made my way upstairs, Natalie was gone. I hadn’t heard a thing. No yelling, no slammed doors, no crying. Either the house was even more soundproof than I’d thought, or Natalie had left with her typical dignity and poise.
Will was on the phone, ordering pizza, and the kids were sitting at the kitchen table looking shell-shocked.
Will hung up and smiled at me. For the first time, I saw desperation in his attempted charm. “Natalie’s mom isn’t feeling too well, so Natalie’s going to stay over there for a couple days, help nurse her back to health. We get to look after ourselves for a bit.” He was trying to make it sound like a fun adventure, but no one else even cracked a smile. Still, he kept going. “Pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, if we want!”
As if Natalie’s only contribution to the family was her cooking.
Sara had clearly been crying, and it looked like she was ready to start again. “But I don’t want,” she said plaintively.
“Pizza’s your favorite!” Will reached out to muss Sara’s hair, but she jerked away and eyed him reproachfully.
“She’s coming back, right?” Sara stared at Will as if trying to read the truth from his soul. “A couple days. That’s all, right?”
“Probably not even that long,” Will scoffed. “Grandma Patterson is tough. She’ll be on her feet in no time, and Natalie will be right back where she belongs. Everything will be normal again.” He might have been convincing himself, but I don’t think anyone else in the room believed him.
None of the kids even looked at me, and it had never been more painfully clear that I was an outsider. I felt awkward, sure, but that was all. I had never really been a part of the family, so it wasn’t all that horrible for me to see it being torn apart.
Except that somehow, it was.
I had never thought I wanted this family, never thought I needed them. I’d been the one pulling away and telling them to give me space. Now, though, I realized that I did need them. Natalie, at least, but even the others meant something. For all his failings, Will was the only real relative I had left. Sara was a sweetheart, both younger and older than her years. Matt and Miranda…well, Matt and Miranda were a challenge, but I definitely envied their closeness and the way they seemed to really enjoy spending time with each other. This was family worth fighting for. Worth saving.
“We should have a salad,” I said. “Shouldn’t we?” Natalie was a big fan of fresh vegetables at every meal. “Sara, can you help me make a salad?” I knew the next part was a gamble, but I went for it. “And, Matt, you made that dressing the other night, right? The pesto vinaigrette? Do we have the ingredients for you to make that again?”
For an awkward moment, nobody moved. I was about to slink away back to my cave when help came from the most unexpected source. “Yeah,” Miranda said decisively. “Matt, that dressing was great. Sara, can you go pick us some tomatoes and cucumbers?” She stood up, tall and graceful, and moved toward the cupboards. “I’ll set the table, Karen, if you can figure out the rest of the salad stuff?” It sounded genuine, like a polite invitation to share a project, not an order or a trap.
Still, I was suspicious.
“Okay,” I said cautiously. There was no punch line, no sarcastic response from Miranda. We all just started our assigned tasks, while Will stood with his back to the counter, watching us work. It was kind of amazing how smoothly everything went. We made the salad, the pizza arrived, and we all sat down to eat. With nothing to keep ourselves distracted, the lack of conversation was a little more obvious than it had been while we were working, but we were able to pretend that we were just not talking with our mouths full.
We were just finishing up the meal when the phone rang, and Sara jumped out of her chair as if she’d been given a shock. “I’ll get it,” she yelled, sprinting for the kitchen.
We could all hear her answer the phone and start sobbing. “Why are you gone? When are you coming back? You’re coming back, right? Can you come back now?”
Will had the grace to look ashamed. He stood abruptly and said, “You guys take care of cleanup, okay? And…take care of Sara.” He left us, then, striding off toward the den.
Miranda sighed in disgust and growled, “This is all your fault.”
I couldn’t disagree. I couldn’t even look at her.
I was a bit surprised to hear Matt say, “Come on, Miranda.” He didn’t sound like he was defending me. It was more like he was defending himself, and when I made myself look at Miranda, she was staring at him, not me.
“Your fault,” she repeated. “That’s what set her off.”
I was completely confused. It felt like a conversation I shouldn’t be hearing, but it would feel too awkward to stand up and leave. Besides, I was curious. What had Matt done?
“It has nothing to do with any of you. I can’t believe Beth even mentioned it.” Beth was his girlfriend; I hadn’t met her because she’d spent her summer as a camp counselor somewhere up north and had just gotten back recently. But what the hell had she said that could set off something like this?
Miranda whirled toward me, and suddenly I was no longer the fly on the wall for this conversation. “He was cheating on her,” she announced angrily.
Center Ice (Entangled Crush) (Corrigan Falls Raiders) Page 12
