I had no idea what to say. “Yeah. I thought…I thought everybody knew that?”
It was her turn to look confused, but her expression quickly changed to disgust. “Not Daddy! Matt! Beth was away for the summer, and Matt was going out with Andrea Davis! Sneaking around, not telling anybody.” She snarled at her twin. “Just like Daddy! God, Matt, is it honestly that hard to just control yourself?”
“You’re one to talk,” he fired back. “You gave it up for Tyler MacDonald without much self-control, didn’t you?”
This was too much. I’d have thought I’d love to see them at each other’s throats, but it turned out it was kind of sad. And almost scary. “Shhh,” I hissed. “Sara’s in the kitchen. She’s already freaking out, she doesn’t need to be worrying about you guys, too!”
They both stared at me, and I could see the snarky response just ready to fly out of Miranda’s mouth. Instead, she closed her lips tightly and spoke much more quietly when she told Matt, “You need to make this better.”
“How?” he replied in a hoarse whisper. “It doesn’t even make sense. Why would she leave Dad because I did something stupid?”
“You’re admitting it was stupid, at least?” Miranda sounded slightly mollified.
“Yeah,” he said, “I guess. I mean, I really like them both…”
“You’re a pig!” Miranda snarled.
“Okay,” I interrupted. “Maybe that should be a conversation you guys have some time when Sara isn’t quite so close.”
And of course, that was when Sara appeared in the doorway. “I’m not a little kid!” she yelled. It was the first time she’d been upset with me, and I didn’t like it. “I don’t want to be lied to, and I don’t want people hiding things from me!”
“Is Mom still on the phone?” Miranda interrupted. “I need to talk to her.”
“She said she was staying at Grandma and Grandpa’s for a couple days. She said we can call her there whenever we need to.” Sara sounded a little calmer now that she had news to share.
“I need to talk to her now,” Miranda said firmly. She looked at her brother. “And so do you. We need to fix this.”
She stalked off toward the stairs, her brother following reluctantly, and Sara looked at me, then turned away. “I’m going to watch TV,” she announced, and headed for the basement.
I was left in the dining room looking at the remains of the dinner. Will had asked us to tidy up, but we’d been the ones who’d made the dinner. Well, us and the pizza place. Still, it didn’t seem like my job to be the family’s maid. I pushed my chair back and felt in my pocket to be sure my cell was there. I wanted to make a call of my own, and I didn’t feel like putting it off until after I’d done the dishes. It didn’t matter what accusations Miranda was throwing around; this whole situation was Will’s fault. He should clean up his own mess, in the kitchen and elsewhere.
I felt like everything was spinning around me, shifting and changing too fast too keep up with. The only time I felt stable was when I was with Tyler. Maybe it was a mistake, and maybe I was setting myself up for the same sort of pain Natalie was suffering from. But I needed to feel safe, and I knew Tyler could give me that.
Chapter Nineteen
- Tyler -
“I have no idea what that little show in the locker room was about, but in the future you will keep your goddamned mouth shut when there is a scout around.” My dad was doing a weird thing where he tried to look like he was smiling and happy at the same time that he was cussing me out. He wasn’t very good at it and probably anyone who saw him would just think he had a weird facial tick or something. They’d definitely realize that he was giving me shit. But we were at a team dinner, around guys who’d seen me and my dad interact for years now. They’d know he was giving me shit just because they saw that his lips were moving.
“I didn’t know there was a scout around,” I said defensively. “He was spying on us or something.”
“You were in the goddamn locker room,” my dad growled. “From now on, you treat that as a public space. No, you treat it like it’s a goddamn boardroom you’ve been brought to for a big interview. You should always be on your best behavior, always trying to impress people. There is no goddamn room for mistakes here, Tyler.”
“Was he pissed off? The guy this afternoon. He seemed okay when he left.” I wasn’t trying to defend myself anymore, just trying to figure out whether I had been homophobic or offensive. Not that the scout was the final word or anything, but I didn’t really know anyone who was openly gay, so he was the best judge I had.
“I don’t know,” my dad said disgustedly. “He was hard to read. And, really, it’s not like you want to get drafted by Ottawa anyway. We’re looking for a big market team for you, Tyler, somewhere you can use that pretty face to earn yourself some serious endorsement money.”
Between his bragging about my puck bunnies earlier in the day and calling me pretty at night, I was hitting a limit for how gross my dad could get without me puking on him. “Okay, well, I’ll try to keep an eye out for scouts in the future,” I said. And I began to understand what my grandma had meant when she’d said I was born with a devil on my shoulder. For some reason I felt compelled to add, “And I’ll try to keep my feelings for Winslow under cover. Not literally. Well, maybe literally, if he actually comes to his senses and realizes that our love is meant to be.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” my dad asked. It sounded like a genuine question, but I didn’t really have an answer for him. Then he made it worse. “Is this about the new girl? What’s her name? The one I’m hearing you’re spending so much time with. You do not have time for a serious girlfriend, Tyler. You want to screw around and sow your wild oats, that’s just fine. You need to be sure you don’t get anyone knocked up, because that is not a headache we want to be dealing with, but other than that, go for it. But keep your head in the game. No distractions.”
Yeah, getting permission from my dad to sleep around? That was the hat trick of gross dad comments, and definitely more creepiness than I could handle in one day. “I should go,” I said. We’d already eaten dinner and done all the cheesy toasts and all the rest of the crap that apparently made The Corrigan Falls Raiders into the best darn OHL team ever, so I could escape if I needed to. And it was definitely time. “There are puck bunnies out there just begging to have totally non-distracting sex with me. I can’t disappoint them.”
“You didn’t used to be so mouthy,” my dad said. He sounded almost sad, but as always there was a distinctly angry undertone.
“I used to be a little kid,” I reminded him. “You’ve known me since before I could speak. It’d be kind of amazing if I hadn’t changed at all in that time, wouldn’t it?”
“You weren’t this mouthy two weeks ago,” he said.
I didn’t answer him, but I was pretty sure he was actually telling the truth. It wasn’t just Karen. Well, yeah, it was probably mostly her. But not in the obvious way. Not, like, she was mouthy so I was, too. It was more like she thought about things and tried to point out when they didn’t make sense, and I was trying to do the same, and that made both of us—well, it made both of us a little mouthy, maybe. It wasn’t an accusation I was going to lose a lot of sleep over.
My phone rang then and I was happy to answer it, even happier when I saw the name on the call display. I knew my dad was standing there, listening and judging, but I tried not to let myself care. I needed a break. “Hey,” I said.
“Can you come get me?” Karen asked. I waited for more details, but she didn’t offer any.
“You’re at home?”
“If that’s what you want to call it,” she agreed.
“Okay. Give me ten minutes.” I hung up and looked at my father. “I’ll be at the rink on time or early, every day. I’ll work my ass off, and I’ll try to be a leader. I’ll play the best hockey I can. That’s all I can do.”
He shook his head disgustedly. “If you throw this chance away, you’re going to
spend the rest of your life regretting it. Trust me on that.”
He said it like he’d been a prospect himself. He always talked that way, but I’d looked him up, and he’d never even made the OHL. A year and a half in Junior A, and that was it. He’d never got too specific about this mythical chance he’d thrown away, but looking at his dates in the league and my birth date, it wasn’t too hard to figure out what he was talking about. Bullshit, of course, because a nineteen-year-old still in Junior A does not make it to the big league, whether or not a baby comes along to slow him down, but I guess it’s what he told himself to make his life easier to accept. And it gave him a good way to try to guilt me. It had worked for a while, before I understood how the hockey system worked.
But now, I just nodded and let his words flow over me. “I won’t throw anything away,” I said. “But I need to go.”
He didn’t try to stop me. But I knew he was standing there, watching me leave, and I knew he wished I was different than I was. Just like I wished the same thing for him. Neither one of us was going to get our wish, though, so it was up to both of us to just try to get along as best we could with the family we were stuck with.
Chapter Twenty
- Karen -
I was waiting on the front steps when Tyler’s truck rolled up in front of the house. He’d sounded weird and tense on the phone, and I’d had a moment’s doubt about dragging him away from whatever he was doing, but his answer had seemed sincere enough. “Give me ten minutes,” he’d said.
He made it to the house in five, and I practically ran over the lawn to climb into the truck after he pushed the door open for me. “You okay?” he asked. When I didn’t answer right away, he asked, “You have somewhere you want to go?”
“Anywhere. I want…anywhere.”
He didn’t ask any more questions, just pulled away from the curb and drove. The night air was still warm, and we drove with the windows down, out of town and into the darkness of a summer night in the country.
I wasn’t surprised when we pulled off the highway onto the increasingly familiar dirt road leading to our beach. It felt different at night, though. The headlights cut through the darkness, but when we pulled into the grassy parking area and Tyler turned the engine off, everything was dark. I could barely see him, and that actually made things easier.
I unbuckled my seatbelt and slid across the bench seat toward him. I’d hoped my closeness would be enough of a hint, but he didn’t move, so I took a deep breath and twisted around a little, bringing my left hand to his shoulder and resting my right on his thigh.
“What are you doing, Karen?”
“I must not be doing a very good job, if you can’t tell.”
“Yeah, okay, I think I can tell, but…why? I thought you didn’t want—”
My finger on his lips stopped his talking. “I changed my mind,” I whispered. I wanted to shut my brain off, wanted to stop telling myself everything was my fault. I wanted to stop trying to control things that couldn’t be controlled. Natalie had followed the rules, and look what it had gotten her.
I squirmed up onto my knees, then threw my right leg across his lap so I was wedged between his chest and the steering wheel. It was a good thing he had long legs or there wouldn’t have been room, especially since he wasn’t exactly contorting himself to make any of this easier. I froze at the thought. “Did you change your mind, too? You don’t want this anymore?”
He didn’t answer right away, and I was just about to launch myself back to my own side of the truck when I felt his hands come to rest gently on my hips. “I want it. You. I want you. I just don’t… What’s going on? Are you okay?”
I didn’t want to talk, so I leaned forward enough to find his lips with mine. He was hesitant at first, and it was kind of a rush to feel like the aggressor, like I was the one with all the experience who knew what she was doing. But it didn’t take long for him to get warmed up and get into it, and that was a whole different kind of rush, because damn it, the boy could kiss! His lips were warm and soft, his tongue firm but not invasive. His hands didn’t go anywhere too serious, but they ran over my head, my arms, my back, my legs with just the right amount of pressure. It felt like he was kissing my whole body, even though his lips barely left mine.
I was out of breath and almost trembling from adrenaline, but I wanted more. I wanted to turn my brain off more completely, and I wanted to feel even more connected. Less alone. I stuck my scabbed elbows out to the sides and brought my hands up to Tyler’s chest, where I found something other than his usual T-shirt. “Is this a tie? Are you wearing a tie?”
“I came from a team dinner.” He sounded a little out of breath himself, but now that my voice had broken the spell, he lifted his hands to my shoulders and held my body away from his. “What’s going on? I mean, if you want this, if you’re sure…that’s excellent. But I need to know what changed. I need to be sure you’re sure.”
“I changed,” I said almost fiercely. “I got tired of doing the smart thing all the time and trying to be careful. People still get hurt, even if they’re doing everything right.”
“If you’re looking for someone to do stupid things with you, you’ve found the right guy. But, seriously, this seems like it should probably be a conversation—”
This time I shut him up by running my hands down his chest and to the waistband of his dress pants. I had no idea where I got so brazen; I felt like I was drunk, or high, but really I guess I was just fed up. “I don’t think it should. No conversation.” No thinking, just feeling. I kissed him while I worked up my courage, then said, “Do you have a condom?”
He pulled his face away from mine and drew a deep, ragged breath, almost a gasp. “Seriously, Karen, I can’t keep being the good guy, here. Are you sure about this? Really sure?”
I wasn’t sure, really, but I kissed him anyway and tried to look confident. “Yeah. I want to.”
Things changed pretty quickly after that. Once he was convinced that I was serious, Tyler got serious, too. The easy way he pulled a rolled up blanket from behind the seat and fished a condom out of the glove box showed that he was practiced at all this. He spread the blanket on the grass and our clothes disappeared like magic, almost too fast, leaving me strangely disoriented. Then I remembered that I was trying to feel that way, trying to shut my brain off and let things happen. It would have been easier if I’d had something to drink, maybe.
My focus was clearly somewhere else, because it took me longer than it should have to realize that Tyler had stopped everything. I frowned at him. “What?”
He shook his head. “Okay, one more time…this is what you want?” Somehow, his sweet little-boy smile didn’t seem inappropriate, even when it was attached to a naked body I was still too shy to truly look at. “Because if you stop me now, I’m gonna be a bit frustrated. But if you stop me after this point, I’m really gonna be pissed.”
It didn’t sound like a threat. Instead, it was a reminder that as angry as he might be, he’d still stop if I told him to. Knowing that helped me relax. “No. I’m not going to change my mind. But…slow down a little, okay?”
And he did. His actions felt a little less polished at the slower speed, and I liked that. Before, I’d felt like my body was an equation he was trying to solve, a machine he wanted to fix; I had to admit he was a pretty skilled mathematician or mechanic or whatever, but it seemed impersonal. Once he slowed down, though, I felt like it was me that he was touching, and he seemed to know some tricks about my body that I hadn’t even figured out yet. Even though he’d said he’d be pissed if we had to stop, he still kept checking in with me to make sure I was happy with where things were going. And every time he checked in, it made me more sure. I’d started this because I was upset, but every time he paused, every questioning look or gentle, murmured “Okay?” made me realize that I wasn’t upset anymore. I wasn’t with Tyler because I wanted to forget; I was with him because I wanted to do something worth remembering.
Everyth
ing was in contrast to something else. His hands were gentle, but their skin was calloused and rough. The night air was cool, but his body was warm. His strength made me feel weak, but when I touched him and I saw how he reacted, I knew I was powerful. And as we moved together, I felt anchored to him, solid and strong, at the same time as I seemed to be soaring and flying.
When things finally wound down, I felt good about it all. It had been unplanned, that was for sure, but we’d been careful, and I really liked him. And lying there on the soft blanket, our limbs entwined, looking up at the stars… I felt peaceful and good.
For about three minutes; then, my brain turned back on.
“How was your dinner?” I asked. “I’m sorry if I dragged you away from it.”
“I’d much rather be here,” he said as he kissed the top of my head. The words were sweet, but there was something bitter in his tone.
I squirmed around a little so I could get a better look at his face. “Was it not fun? Like, boring, or…?”
“It was the parents’ dinner,” he said, as if that explained something. I just stared at him blankly. “My mom couldn’t make it, but my dad came.”
“And you and your dad don’t get along?”
He was quiet for too long.
“Natalie left,” I said abruptly. “Will’s wife. My stepmother. I don’t know for how long. I don’t really know why, except…I think it’s because of the cheating.”
He nodded slowly. “I wonder what took her so long.”
That was an interesting perspective. Actually, it was a logical, normal perspective. It was how I would have felt a couple weeks earlier, before I’d gotten used to the family’s Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy on paternal infidelity. I needed to think about that, but I didn’t want to do it right then. “Besides your dad, was the dinner okay?”
Another long silence, and I was just about to break it again when he said, “There is no ‘besides my dad’ when it comes to me and hockey. If he’s there, he’s all over me. All over the coaches, the support staff, the other players’ dads. It’s kind of out of control.” He sounded resigned.
Center Ice (Entangled Crush) (Corrigan Falls Raiders) Page 13
