Questionable Love (A Love Beyond Labels #2)

by Danielle Rocco

  “Where’s the beer?” I say, tight-jawed.

  “I gave that up.”

  “When?”

  “The day you were sentenced.” That surprises me. She drains the glass. “Like I said, it’s not much. It’s cheap rent and close to the school I work at.”

  I turn and look at her. “You work at a school?”

  She smiles shyly. “I know, right? I’ve worked hard, Jace. It hasn’t been easy for me since I left…” She trails off.

  “Since you left California?”

  “Yeah.”

  I nod and let my eyes continue to roam the space. “Self-help books?” I say, noticing a stack of them on the small pine coffee table that matches the kitchen table.

  “They recommend reading books to help you feel more positive.”

  “Who recommends them?” I ask. She walks over to me. Bright, brown, sober eyes look into mine. She really doesn’t look like the mother I grew up with. Light brown shiny hair frames her full face. She looks pretty, like the mother I daydreamed I had as a kid. “You look good.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Different but good.”

  “How do I look different?”

  “You look fucking sober.”

  “You don’t talk like that around Shay, do you?”

  “Never.”

  “Don’t do it around me either. You’re way too handsome and sweet to talk like that.”

  “That’s how we’ve always talked around each other.”

  “Not anymore, Jace. I’m trying to get all the ugly out of my life, and that word is ugly.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Well, if it’s effortless with Shay, it shouldn’t be hard,” she scolds.

  “Being good around my girl has always been effortless. She is the definition of good. I never had it easy, but from the moment I met her, I always had it good. That’s what she’s always done for me. She’s always made everything feel good.”

  “And I never made things easy for you, did I?”

  “No, you didn’t,” I say honestly.

  “I spent eight months in rehab, Jace.”

  “Rehab?” The only thing I wanted growing up was for my mother to get help. My entire childhood she was drunk, or high, and it never mattered what I said or did, she never listened to me. I don’t know how we survived when I was young, and I’m glad I can’t remember how we got by when I was too young to understand. The memories rooted in my mind are enough to give me a lifetime of nightmares. Grace put me through hell when I was a kid.

  “I was so strung out when Landon and Shay came to the apartment to tell me you had been arrested. As soon as Shay told me who she was, I knew I had failed you. I know this might seem impossible to you, but there was a time I had my life together. Shay was sweet, determined, and she had so much love for you. She reminded me of the younger version of myself before I screwed up my life.”

  My jaw clenches. “I never wanted her to come around you,” I admit.

  Her eyes fill with tears. “I don’t blame you. I was a terrible person. I stood, swaying, too drunk to stand up straight in front of the only girl I ever heard you talk about. That was her first impression of me. I remembered my father’s voice in that moment, reminding me of how important first impressions are when you meet someone. I never really felt that until Shay was in front of me.”

  “We never really talked about Shay,” I tell her. “I tried to talk to you about her, but you were too busy drowning yourself in a twelve pack every day and who knows what else to care about who I spent my time with.”

  “You’re right. I was self-consumed and miserable, and I completely left you to take care of yourself. I remembered her name and you talking about her.” She pauses, looking down. “When I saw her in person—how beautiful and kind she was, and how much fight she had in her for you, I knew I failed you. Call it my rock bottom moment. When she left the apartment that day and left me standing there, realization hit me.

  “What realization was that?”

  “I didn’t change that day. I probably got worse, only because I saw who loved you when I didn’t. Shay was perfect, and I was far from it. Days passed without you coming home, and I was quickly drowning in an empty house. You weren’t there to check on me. You weren’t there to peel me off whatever floor I was passed out on and drag me to my room where you made sure I was still breathing.

  “I found out about your court date, pulled myself together enough to go, and sat in the back of the courtroom. When the judge read the verdict, sentencing you to two years, I sat frozen as I watched Shay break down as the guard led you away. I realized then I was on my own for the next two years. It’s like that saying, ‘you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.’” Tears stop her, and she wipes them away. “I failed you as a mother. No matter what I did, you were always there for me, and when you weren’t, I missed you. I wanted my son.”

  “You’re my mother. I didn’t want anything to happen to you,” I say truthfully. She shakes her head from side to side, and light brown strands of hair cling to her full lips.

  “I didn’t deserve your love. I didn’t…” I reach up and pull the strands away from her face. “Shay saw me leave the courtroom and came after me. I wouldn’t talk to her. I was too upset, and I just had to get out of there. You were all I had, and you were gone. I couldn’t change our past, but when they took you away, I knew I needed to get clean. While you were locked up, I was determined to get the help I needed.”

  “I’m proud of you,”

  She purses her lips and runs her hands over her arms. “Heat kicked in,” she says. I give a tight smile and push off the counter I had been leaning against. The rain falls hard outside the large sliding glass door. I walk over to it. It’s dark, but the moon gives just enough light to see the small wooden deck. I run my fingers through my still damp hair. Grace comes up beside me, and I swallow the lump in my throat.

  “If Shay knew I was out right now, she would be crushed. I made a promise I didn’t keep.”

  Grace doesn’t say anything. Instead, she draws in a deep breath, leans in closer to the glass door, and exhales every last bit of air she was holding. Lifting her finger to the foggy glass, she draws a big heart. “When I was a young girl, and it rained hard like this, my bedroom window fogged up from the cold outside and the heat inside. I always drew a big heart with one name inside. I was such a daydreamer.” She looks up at me and says, “Write Shay’s name in the heart, Jace.” I twist my lip to the side and bite the inside of my mouth.

  “Hearts and my girl have always gone together.” I look at the heart she drew and take my finger and write my girl’s pretty name inside it. I let out a loud sigh and whisper, “This promise means the world to her.”

  “Nobody is perfect, Jace.”

  “She’s perfect to me, and I’m letting her down.”

  “She’ll forgive you.”

  “She has to, or I won’t survive the fall.”

  “There was way too much love in her eyes when she pleaded for me to help you, and in that courtroom, she didn’t let me forget how hard she would fight to stay by your side. She will forgive you, Jace.”

  “But those pictures on that magazine cover…”

  “Tabloid magazine, Jace. Those are always filled with lies.”

  I stare at the heart-shaped love slowly fading on the cold glass, and my heart beats strong.

  I won’t ever let us fade, baby.

  “I’m glad we had this chance to talk, Mom. When I get back to California and get settled with Shay, we can talk more, but right now, I just need to get back to her.”

  “I know,” she says understandingly. “I’m sure you want to get out of those wet clothes, too.” She smiles.

  “Yeah, I’m just ready to get back to normal.” I chuckle.

  “Let me show you to your room.”

  I stay a minute longer so I can see my girl’s name in the heart before it completely fades away. I’m coming home, baby.

  Ru
bbing my jaw, I make my way to the room Grace has for me. “I brought all your stuff from the apartment. I wondered where the guitar came from, but now I know that it had to do with Shay. She wrote ‘Moon and Stars’ for you, didn’t she?”

  Spanning the room, I see my guitar leaning against the wall next to a small dresser. My eyes widen when they land on a picture frame. “Yeah, she did. She started writing it when we met at the community center.” I walk over to the dresser and pick up the picture of Shay and me at her prom.

  “I remember when you went to Shay’s prom.”

  “How can you possibly remember that day? You were so wasted. I had to peel you off the kitchen floor.”

  “I sobered up and wanted to see you take pictures. You told me no. I remember that.”

  “You were too hungover, and all I had was my bike. You couldn’t have gone even if I wanted you, too.”

  “Yeah, I know, but when I saw this picture in your room…” She stops. “I just loved it, and I wanted to look at it all the time. You look so perfect together.”

  “She was made for me,” I say, staring at it. “So damn pretty.”

  “She’s truly stunning, but you are a very handsome boy, son.” She takes my heart out of my hands and sets it back down on the dresser. “I’m really beat after that long drive. If you don’t mind, I’m going to go to bed. We can talk in the morning and get your bike out of the garage. Hopefully, it will stop raining. We’ve had a lot of storms come through lately.”

  I turn to Grace. “I need to go back first thing in the morning.” She shakes her head.

  “Do you want to call her? I have a phone, you know.”

  “She’s sound asleep and won’t expect my call until nine. Plus, I always call collect, so maybe we can find a pay phone in the morning?”

  “Who knows if there are any pay phones around here? You can call her from the house phone. It just won’t be a collect call,” she says, sincerely trying.

  “Then she’ll know something is off. I want to get back there before she knows I’m out.”

  “We’ll talk in the morning.”

  “Can I take a shower before I change my clothes?”

  “Of course. You can figure out where everything is.”

  I smile as she leaves my room. Opening the dresser drawers, I pull out clothes I haven’t worn in over a year, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and a white T-shirt. After I close the drawer, I stare at my girl in her pink prom dress one more time. I think I pretty much exploded in her that night. Best fucking night of my life.

  Towel in hand from a cabinet next to the bathroom door, I walk into the bathroom, hitting the lock behind me. It’s been so long since I took a shower on my own. I turn on the water and wait until it gets warm enough. Taking off my clothes, I throw them into a pile. I’m tossing them into the trash later, not wanting any reminder of where they came from. The heat from the shower floats through the enclosed space. I pull the curtain back and get in. Alone in the shower, it seems like fucking ages since I’ve relaxed like this. I let the water run down my body, and after getting my hair wet, I grab Grace’s shampoo. I squirt a bunch into the palm of my hand and reach up, running it through my hair. It’s like a tropical explosion.

  I clear my eyes enough to grab her body wash, and with another squirt into my hand, I rub it all over my body. I breathe in deep when the scent hits the warm air.

  Coconut.

  I close my eyes as Shay in her pretty pink dress fills my mind. Slowly, my hand lowers, wrapping around what has only ever belonged to her, running coconut body wash up and down.

  Letting a quiet moan escape my mouth that’s begging to touch hers again, I start thrusting up into my hand. I miss her so fucking much. My body starts begging for the release it has been deprived, and I lose myself in my girl’s smell. I lean against the wet shower tile. It’s cold against my back, but the heat inside my body is all I’m concentrating on. I imagine Shay’s legs wrapped around me as I slowly slip into her warmth, the gentle touch of her pink fingernails pressing against my bare back, her perfect hips meeting mine once I’m fully inside her, and her sweet voice whispering she loves me softly into my ear as I come inside her for the very first time.

  Another moans escapes me, and I lose my breath, stroking myself to the only girl I will ever love, picturing those long legs tighten against my waist when she gives me her everything.

  “Fuck.”

  Stroking…stroking…stroking.

  I become breathless as I grip myself fast and hard, and right before I lose it, I slow my pace, stroking myself gently, savoring the moment the way we like it. Love and devotion are all I feel when I hear her whisper through her salty lips for me to crash into her. I completely lose control, gritting my teeth and sucking in a breath.

  “Shay…” I moan, pushing my hips up, stroking myself one last time. With “I love you” passing through my lips, I come hard.

  I can’t breathe without her.

  Turning into the white-tiled wall, I open my eyes, trying to regain my breathing. Pressing my forehead against the wall, and with the warm water hitting my back, I reach up and fist my hands against it. That felt so fucking good, but I don’t want to get off in a shower thinking about Shay. I want to be inside her every day and fall asleep with her in my arms every damn night. I need to go back tomorrow. I finish my shower and go back to the room Grace has for me.

  THUNDER AND LIGHTNING light up the sky, and heavy rain hits the window, waking me up before daylight breaks. I slept hard. I guess emotional drainage and a long-ass drive will do that to you.

  “Did you sleep okay?” Grace says from the couch as I walk into the dark living room. Her face is lit up by candles she has on the table. The room smells like cinnamon and apples. I sit in the chair next to the couch. The blanket that was draped over the back of it yesterday is now covering her legs, and she has one of those self-help books resting on her lap.

  “I slept all right,” I answer, pushing my hair back.

  “Do you need more pillows?”

  “Grace, I’m not staying.”

  “The weather still isn’t good, Jace.”

  I remember the last thing I did with my bike was fill up the tank. I should have enough gas to get me halfway there. “I might have to borrow a few dollars for gas.”

  “Can’t you at least stay one full day with me?”

  “I’m so proud of you. I really am, but I can’t be out of prison and not with Shay. The only one that knew I was getting out yesterday was Landon. He’s probably freaking out and seconds away from calling her. And, I have no way of getting ahold of him without a phone. I need to get back there tonight before he calls her.”

  “Call him right now and let him know where you are.”

  I let out a worrisome sigh and nod. Walking over to her kitchen, I see an old phone on the counter. I pick it up, wasting no time dialing his number, but when I put the phone to my ear, it’s dead.

  “You have no dial tone.”

  “What?”

  “It’s not working.”

  “Well, that’s strange. It’s not like I didn’t pay the bill. I wonder if it’s because of the storm that’s passing through? Try it again.”

  I push down on the receiver again. “Nothing. It’s fucking dead.”

  “Don’t say that word,” she demands.

  “Grace, I don’t need a damn lecture on my vocabulary right now. I need to get to Shay before she finds out I’m no longer locked up.” I put the phone down and stare at it. “I don’t even have any damn money to get my cell phone working again. I’m so screwed right now. Can you take me around town to see if there are any pay phones? I need to get ahold of Landon before he calls her, and if I can get in touch with him before that happens, then I can call Shay collect at nine, and she won’t think twice about anything. Then, as soon as this rain lets up a little, I’m on the road.”

  “I’ll get my shoes on,” Grace says, moving out from under her blanket. I watch her get up and slip into a pair
of white Converse. She wasn’t wearing those yesterday, and just seeing them on her feet has me biting down hard on my bottom lip. Shay can’t find out I’ve been released. What the fuck do those pictures mean? They’re only tabloid magazines. She would never betray me. We’re in love, so in love. It will only ever be Shay and me. Those pictures are lies, nothing but lies. I need to get home to her. I’ve broken a promise. I need to get back before she knows.

  “Jace?” I feel my arm being tugged, knocking me out of my thoughts. “Jace?” I look down at my arm, and Grace is peering up at me. “I’m ready to go.” I nod slowly. “Are you okay?”

  “No, I’m not okay. I feel so far away from Shay, and I don’t like it. I don’t care if it’s storming all morning. I’m leaving. Every moment I’m away is another moment that she could find out I broke her trust, and another reason for Hunter Daniels to try to take what’s mine.” I take a deep breath. “I might need to borrow some money to make it back to California. I’ll pay you back.”

  “Try to relax. I can tell your mind is going crazy with everything that could go wrong. Let’s see if we can find a pay phone, and then we’ll go from there.”

  “How did you become so levelheaded all of a sudden?” I ask her.

  “Detoxing your mind and body will give you some clarity. I was seeing things clearer when you were locked up, Jace, and it doesn’t happen overnight. I’m still working at cleaning myself up. It’s an everyday struggle and probably will be for the rest of my life, but I want to be a better person. I want to be a real mother to you.” She smiles, and I lean down as her big brown eyes shine hopefully into mine.

  “You have a pretty smile, Mom. I wish I would have seen it when I was a kid.”

  “Yeah, if I could turn back time and give you this smile every day, I would. I’m sorry for being a pathetic excuse of a mother. You were the best boy, and I failed you.”

  I can only nod, because through her sincerity, she’s right. She was a horrible mother, and I just can’t forget that. But, I’m willing to move forward, because no matter what, she’s still my mom. She’s sober and wants to be better, and if I were a good son when she wasn’t those things, I’m not going to stop being that person now.