Battle Scars

by Meghan O'Brien

  “You don’t owe me an apology.”

  “I do.” Exhaling, Ray said, “I had no excuse for being so cold about it.” She could barely remember what she said, but it had been flat and unemotional. Even after Danny left the hospital room red-faced and teary-eyed, she felt nothing. Like her feelings had been shut off, a switch flipped without her consent.

  “You were going through a lot.”

  “It doesn’t matter what I was going through. I was pretty heartless with someone who meant a lot to me.”

  “War fucks people up. I understand that.” Danny’s voice broke. “I understand that a lot.”

  In a flash, Ray heard Danny’s own struggle. It took her breath away, though she wasn’t entirely surprised that he had been similarly affected. A lot of soldiers came back with combat-related trauma, both physical and mental. It was hard to go through such an experience and not be damaged by it.

  “How have things been going for you?” Ray asked.

  “Rough for a while. I drank too much for a few months. The army doctor prescribed me a shitload of meds, too, so I was a fucking zombie.” Danny laughed shakily. “I mean, Night of the Living Dead, right? I was having some fucked-up thoughts at that point, when I could think at all. But I’m in AA now, and Melissa is very supportive. I’m doing better.”

  Guilt lanced through Ray’s gut. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

  “Ray-Ray, I saw some fucked-up shit over there, but it was nothing compared to what you went through. God only knows what you’re dealing with.”

  At least she never went down the road to self-medication. “Thank you for understanding. But I still apologize, okay?”

  “Okay. Apology accepted.”

  A warm glow of connection came to life in Ray’s chest and she laid her head back, happy to have this moment with Danny. Already she felt like she could start letting go of some of her guilt over what happened between them, which would be a true breakthrough.

  “So you can be straight with me,” Danny said in a lighter tone, signaling the end of their heavy discussion. “How are you doing, really?”

  “I’m okay. It’s still hard, but I’ve been getting out more. Jagger is my service dog, so he goes with me everywhere. He helps a lot.”

  “Awesome.”

  “Yeah. He is.”

  Danny cleared his throat. “How about you? Are you seeing anyone?”

  Ray managed a humorless laugh. “No. I don’t foresee that happening in the near future.” Her conversation with Dr. Evans flashed through her mind, then the memory of finding Carly and her blond friend Leeann embracing on the porch swing. It bothered her how much that upset her.

  “Please tell me you’re at least making friends out there. It kills me to think of you all alone.”

  “I’m not all alone,” Ray said. “I’ve got Jagger. And I have made a friend, actually. Her name is Carly. She’s a veterinarian.”

  “I’m really glad to hear that.”

  He sounded surprised, and Ray wondered if her mother had told him she didn’t really leave the house. Maybe she should call Mom and give her an update, too. “I’ll be okay, Danny.”

  “I know you will.” She could hear Danny smiling. “You’ve always been the tough one.”

  Ray laughed. They had been competitive with one another, particularly when it came to who was tougher. “I can’t believe you’re giving that title away.”

  “You’ve earned it.” Danny sniffed. “Anyway, I should get going. Melissa and I are having dinner with her parents tonight.”

  “Ah,” Ray said, her smile fading. “Sounds like fun.”

  “A blast.” Danny paused. “Let’s talk again sometime, okay?”

  “Absolutely.” It was a promise.

  Ray hung up and sighed, stroking Jagger’s head. For a conversation she had been dreading, that had gone rather well. In fact, a weight had been lifted.

  But she also felt she had lost something. Not just Danny, but the girl she had been when she was with him. The girl not afraid of anything, the world hers to conquer. She’d even loved sex then, loved being touched. She couldn’t imagine being with Danny like that anymore, but she missed that sense of closeness sex could bring.

  The memory of Carly with her friend Leeann returned. Was Carly sleeping with that woman? They certainly looked cozy together. Carly had mentioned Leeann the ex-girlfriend before. As much as she hated to admit it, Ray struggled with jealousy at the very thought of Carly having that kind of intimacy with someone else.

  “Stop it,” Ray murmured. “Carly deserves to be happy. So does Danny.”

  Maybe one day, if Ray was very lucky, she would find happiness, too.

  Chapter Twelve

  Ray tossed a tennis ball down the beach as she walked, sending Jack tearing after it. Jagger stayed by her side, never as interested in balls as in the people who threw them. Carly walked at her other side, so close that her body warmed Ray’s in the early morning fog.

  They’d barely spoken that morning. Carly never insisted on filling silence with words, which was a good thing. Lately Ray found it hard to know what to say when they were together. Though Carly fulfilled her in a way Ray never imagined another person could, she also caused a great deal of confusion. Ray was conquering an old fear without a glimmer of hesitation—this was the beach where Jagger was stung by the bee—but at the same time she was growing more afraid of the feelings Carly stirred inside her.

  “You okay?”

  Ray startled despite the gentleness of Carly’s voice. “Yeah. Just thinking.”

  Carly smiled. “Anything you want to talk about?”

  Tell Carly that she couldn’t stop thinking about seeing her with Leeann? Ray shook her head. “No.”

  “Okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.” Jack trotted up to Carly and dropped his ball into her hand, and she threw it for him.

  Ray watched Carly laugh as Jack sprinted after his toy, and her stomach clenched. She dropped her gaze to the sand, unbalanced by her visceral reaction to the joy on Carly’s face. Why did Carly sometimes make her heart race like this? Ray wanted to chalk it up to nerves over even this social contact, but she knew that wasn’t it. There was nothing scary about Carly Warner.

  Except the way she was making Ray question everything she thought she knew about who she found attractive and how she saw their friendship.

  She wanted to ask Carly if she and Leeann were together. When Carly spoke about Leeann, it sounded like they were just friends. But was it normal for friends to cuddle the way the two of them had? Ray let herself imagine a friendly embrace with Carly and shivered. Not because such contact sounded strange, but because it didn’t.

  Ray sneaked another glance at Carly’s hair, blowing into her face. Carly pushed the locks aside and soldiered on, also looking deep in thought. Ray was so grateful that Carly would just allow her to think and not push to know what was on her mind. Carly appeared happy to be let in, but she always waited until Ray came to her. Ray loved this rare quality about her.

  Carly probably never had to wait for Leeann. Ray envied their easy intimacy, which had been obvious the moment she opened the gate to the backyard. She recalled how Carly had looked when she realized Ray was watching. Carly had jumped up like a teenager caught making out by her parents. Had Carly kissed Leeann that day?

  The thought slowed Ray down a step, and she stumbled slightly on her weaker leg. Before Carly could react, she made herself keep walking, not trusting herself to explain what was wrong. Sweat beaded on her forehead, though the morning breeze remained cool. She thought about kissing Carly, really kissing her, expecting a wave of revulsion. Instead her belly turned over slightly, sending a rush of pleasant warmth straight between her legs. A tug of arousal, almost like a memory. Something she hadn’t felt in at least two years.

  Ray stopped, kicking up a spray of pebbles. She knew what would happen even before it started. Her throat tightened. Sweat trickled down her sides, and her heart pounded explosively. She clos
ed her eyes and tried to breathe as one thought raced through her mind. Please don’t let Carly see me like this.

  At once she was back in that filthy apartment in Al Hillah, tied to a chair in a windowless room. Archer’s blood still tacky on the tile beneath her feet. Staring down the same video camera that had recorded his beheading. Powerless. Afraid.

  “Ray?”

  And other times when she felt powerless, times she shouldn’t have had to watch her back. When the enemy wasn’t someone from another culture. When he wore the same clothes she did.

  “Oh, my God, Ray. Are you okay?”

  Shaking her head, Ray tried to come into the present. Her legs gave out but Jagger leaned into her, holding her upright. She clutched at his strong back, knowing she was going down, desperate to break her fall.

  “Just sit down, honey. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

  Carly sounded like she was calling from the other end of a long tunnel, the words indistinct. Dimly aware of the concern in Carly’s voice, Ray couldn’t make her mouth work. She wanted to tell Carly she was all right, but Carly would know that was a lie.

  Ray went down on her knees and brought her hands to her head. Jagger licked her hands furiously, covering her fingers in cold slobber. It brought her back into the present, but didn’t stop the panic that tore through her veins. She seemed to be hyperventilating, and even Jagger couldn’t make her stop. Worst of all, Carly had a front-row seat for her freak-out.

  “You’re okay, Ray.”

  Carly touched Ray’s shoulder and Ray pulled away instinctively. She couldn’t stand to have Carly so close, not when she was like this. Shame flared in her chest, making it that much harder to breathe. Ray curled into herself, then tried to stand, no longer in control of her body and at a loss about what to do.

  “You’re all right.” Carly wore a look of controlled calm, though Ray knew she was putting on quite a show. “Just sit down for a minute.”

  Ray’s legs trembled and she had to obey. Her head swam, and she still couldn’t slow her breathing. Carly took her hand and sat beside her. This time Ray didn’t pull away.

  “Breathe, Ray. We’re alone on this beach. Nobody’s here but you, me, and the dogs.” Carly’s other hand moved to Ray’s back and, surprisingly, the contact reassured her. “Take a deep breath and come back to us.”

  Ray closed her eyes. I am the captain of my soul. She could smell Carly’s shampoo, the barest hint of raspberry-vanilla over the heady salt breeze. Jagger sat pressed against her side, propping her up.

  “I’m sorry.” Ray felt lost, adrift, as though she might never find the shore again. “So sorry.”

  Then Carly’s arms were around her, pulling her into a tight embrace. “Hush,” Carly murmured. “Just relax.” Ray squirmed but Carly held on. “Relax. Let me hold you. Please. Everything is okay, Ray. Nobody’s going to hurt you.”

  Carly’s heart beat hard against Ray’s chest, a strong and steady rhythm that calmed Ray immediately. Her body relaxed, as though Carly had flipped a switch that cut off her anxiety at the source. Without thinking, Ray brought her arms up and returned the hug. Carly’s body felt solid and warm against hers, and softer than she would have imagined.

  “Good.” Carly’s voice shook. “That’s good. Deep breaths.” She rubbed a trembling hand across Ray’s back.

  Ray pressed her palm between Carly’s shoulder blades, grounding herself in the embrace. She concentrated on slowing down her breathing, like Dr. Evans had taught her. This was real. This was the present. Carly was still there even after Ray fell apart in front of her. In a world where Ray trusted very little anymore, Carly was safety. She was Ray’s constant, an anchor to keep the storm of her own emotions from sweeping her away.

  “I’m here,” Carly whispered. Her words took on a passionate urgency that threatened to take Ray’s breath away again. “I’m here for you, Ray. Always.”

  Ray pressed her face into Carly’s neck, then pulled back. Still within the loose circle of Carly’s arms, she managed to make eye contact and was humbled by what she saw. Carly’s gaze held no judgment, only loyalty. Maybe even love. Her heart rate steadied even as her heart seemed to expand.

  Ray opened her mouth to make another apology, then forced herself to smile instead. Carly would tell her it wasn’t necessary. And Ray believed her. Looking into Carly’s eyes, she realized that Carly cared for her enough to withstand even the worst. Instead of saying she was sorry, Ray spoke from her heart. “You’re my best friend.”

  “I—” Carly shivered, and Ray noticed the too-thin Henley she wore. “I care about you so much.”

  “You’re cold,” Ray said thickly. She tried not to stare at the way Carly’s hard nipples strained against the fabric of her shirt. Getting to her feet took effort, but Ray suddenly needed distance. She offered Carly her hand. “Let me give you my sweatshirt.”

  “That would be nice.” Carly stood, then folded her arms over her breasts. She broke eye contact to gaze out over the choppy gray water. “It is pretty chilly.”

  Ray pulled her hooded gray army sweatshirt over her head. She handed it to Carly, giving her what she hoped came off as a teasing grin. It felt like a grimace. “I told you that shirt wouldn’t be warm enough.”

  “You were right.” Carly tugged Ray’s sweatshirt over her head, then jammed her hands into the front pocket. “Thank you. Should we head back?”

  This shyness was new and unexpected, and Ray hoped she hadn’t caused it. She hadn’t meant to embarrass Carly, only to move past her own moment of weakness. Even though Ray had offered something as simple as a sweatshirt, she felt good taking care of Carly. Especially when Carly was always caring for her.

  “Sure,” Ray said. Maybe all Carly needed was some time alone to sort out her thoughts. “Let’s go home.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Carly glanced at the display on her buzzing cell phone. Ray McKenna. A powerful wave of relief loosened the knot that had constricted her stomach for almost a week now. Since Ray’s panic attack on the beach, they had been playing phone tag. Jack hadn’t even been to Ray’s house for the past few days. Was Ray intentionally returning her calls when she knew Carly would be at work?

  This morning Carly had decided to carry her cell phone in the pocket of her scrub pants, and luckily Ray’s call came between appointments. “I’ll be in my office,” Carly told Matt as she hurried down the back hallway. She opened the phone quickly, not wanting yet another voice mail that gave her no clue about how Ray was feeling.

  “Hello.” Carly cringed at the way her voice came out so breathlessly.

  “Hey.” Ray sounded quiet. Maybe embarrassed. “Caught you finally.”

  “Yeah, I just finished an appointment. Rhodesian ridgeback, broken leg. Beautiful dog, and so sweet.” Carly was babbling, but she tended to do that when things were awkward. What happened on the beach had been emotionally intense, and her feelings for Ray had been close to the surface. How much had Ray seen, and did she understand exactly what it meant?

  “I’m sorry. I know you’re working. I planned to leave a voice mail.”

  “It’s no problem.” Carly closed her office door and sat on the couch next to Jack, who was just waking up. “This is better than another voice mail.”

  “Yeah, it is.” Sounding hesitant, Ray said, “I miss you.”

  Carly’s heart leapt. She had nearly convinced herself that Ray realized exactly how Carly felt about her, and that’s why she was so distant. That Ray was avoiding her because she couldn’t deal with Carly’s feelings, no matter how hard Carly tried to keep a lid on them. Thank God she hadn’t sabotaged their friendship with that hug or the arousal their physical closeness had triggered. “I miss you, too.”

  “Do you want to have dinner tonight? I know it’s last minute, but—” Ray cleared her throat. “I could make burgers or something.”

  Ray would call today, of all days. Deflated, Carly said, “I’d love to, but I actually have plans tonight.”

&
nbsp; “Oh.” Ray didn’t hide her surprise very well. “With Leeann?”

  Carly couldn’t quite put her finger on something in Ray’s tone. Could it be jealousy? “Not Leeann. A friend of hers, though. Leeann arranged it.”

  “Oh.”

  “Like a blind date, I guess,” Carly said in a rush. Why was it so difficult to explain herself? More importantly, why did she feel the need to? “Leeann pestered me to let her set us up, and I finally gave in.” She laughed, aware that the sound lacked humor. “Leeann usually gets what she wants.”

  “That must be nice for Leeann.” Ray’s voice sounded softer, as though she weren’t holding the phone close enough to her mouth. “Well, I thought I’d check, anyway. You have a good time.”

  Carly would love to cancel her date and see Ray instead. And that was exactly the problem. She needed to start looking at her romantic life as something separate from Ray, and just as important. “We could do something tomorrow night,” Carly said. “If you’re free.”

  “I’ll call you.” It was clear Ray wanted to hang up. “See you later.”

  Carly knew she was being blown off. She inhaled, stunned by how much the words felt like a slap in the face. “Okay.” When Ray didn’t say anything else, Carly checked her cell phone display to find that the call had ended. Tears stung her eyes as she flipped her phone closed. Then she kicked off her shoes and curled up on the couch.

  Jack crawled toward her from his spot at the other end, stretching so he rested against her body. He had an uncanny ability to offer comfort when she was upset. Wrapping an arm around his strong back, she buried her face in his neck and sighed.

  What was going on? Carly apparently hadn’t given herself away on the beach, hug and hard nipples notwithstanding. But something had changed between them, and Carly was afraid it had everything to do with the blind date. Things were going okay until she had mentioned her plans. Then Ray just shut down.

  “What does she want from me?” Carly mumbled into Jack’s fur. She couldn’t win. Either she was hopelessly in love with someone who would never love her back, or else she was freaking Ray out by having a love life.