Battle Scars

by Meghan O'Brien

  “I’m sorry for not returning your calls.” Cutting off contact had been nearly impossible, but at the time Ray thought she needed to do it. “I needed time to think. And I was scared to see you again.”

  “Why?”

  “I was upset when you told me Leeann set you up on a date. Jealous. At first I believed I didn’t like sharing your time and attention, but it was more than that. I didn’t like the idea of someone else kissing you.” Ray’s cheeks burned. She never thought she would be having such an intimate conversation with someone again. “When I realized I wanted to be the one kissing you, I didn’t know what to do.”

  “A couple months ago you nearly walked out of my house when I told you I was a lesbian. This is a big change.” Carly kept her voice gentle, but Ray could tell this was a real concern. To go from borderline homophobia to kissing another woman so quickly was quite a leap.

  “I know. That was a knee-jerk reaction and I felt like a complete asshole. I didn’t understand your intentions.”

  “Still, this must really surprise you.” Carly looked away shyly. “Being attracted to a woman.”

  “Yes.” Ray wanted to be as honest as possible. “And I wouldn’t admit that I was until you told me about your date. Then I couldn’t think about anything else.”

  Carly ran a hand through her hair, and Ray’s throat went dry as she remembered how those strawberry-blond locks felt wrapped around her fingers. She stared at Carly’s throat and imagined pressing her lips there, finding Carly’s pulse with her tongue. Blinking, Ray looked away with effort. After almost two years with no sex drive, she didn’t know what to make of the feelings Carly had unleashed.

  “I’ve been attracted to you since we met.” Carly’s voice was so quiet Ray had to lean forward to hear. “But I never wanted you to know. I thought it would scare you away. That you could never feel the same way.”

  Ray inhaled. Though Carly had made it clear that she enjoyed their kiss, it meant everything to hear that she had been struggling with the same doubts. “I didn’t know. It didn’t occur to me that I had anything to offer you.”

  Carly shifted closer and traced her finger over the length of Ray’s bare arm, leaving goose bumps in her wake. “It’s time to stop saying that. Okay?”

  Ray nodded. “But you need to understand something. I really don’t know what I can offer you, or when. Till recently I would have told you I’m not ready for a relationship.”

  “And now?” The question was full of hope, tinged with what sounded like fear. “I know you’re dealing with a lot. Do you think you’re ready?”

  Ray wasn’t about to say no. Not when it felt better to be with Carly than not. “I want to try. If you can be patient with me.”

  Carly smiled. “I’m pretty patient.”

  “I know. You’ve put up with me this long.” Ray hesitated, then took Carly’s hand and held it between hers. As much as she hated talking about her past, there were things she needed to say. “A lot of stuff happened to me in Iraq. Stuff that changed me. Some of it you know already, and some of it I’m not sure I’ll ever want to talk about. I came back a different person.”

  “I’ve only known this Ray,” Carly said. “And I like her a lot.”

  “I’m so glad.” Ray squeezed Carly’s hand. “But I’m still figuring out what this new me is capable of.”

  “I understand.”

  As embarrassing as it was, Ray needed to lay everything on the table. If she couldn’t be honest about what Carly would be getting into with her, they were doomed. She cleared her throat. “Since Iraq, my libido has been…nonexistent. It’s like my body just shut down when I was over there.”

  “I have to imagine that’s common with something like PTSD.” Carly’s eyes shone with unspoken questions, and Ray felt a tendril of fear that Carly would ask her to rehash things she had no interest in reliving. “Were you and Danny sexually active?”

  “Yes. Very.” Ray blushed as she remembered Michigan summer nights in the bed of Danny’s pickup truck, lying naked beneath the stars. “I used to like sex, actually. A lot.”

  Nostrils flaring, Carly looked away. “Well, that sounds promising.”

  Ray recognized desire in Carly’s voice, and a surge of pleasure skittered down her spine. “I’d be lying if I said I haven’t experienced a bit of an awakening lately. And thank you for that, by the way.”

  “You’re quite welcome.”

  “I just don’t know when I’ll be ready…for that part. Or what it will be like for me.”

  “We just had our first kiss, Ray. I won’t push you to take things any further before you’re ready.” Carly met her gaze, clearly searching. “I just want you to be sure you feel comfortable being with a woman. Eventually.”

  Ray understood Carly’s worry, because she had wondered the same thing. Loving someone and wanting to make love with them were different. Luckily three days had been plenty of time for Ray to examine her life. “I’ve realized that I’ve been attracted to women in the past. A couple times in particular. I told myself I admired those women or wanted to be their friend, but I see now that sexual attraction was there, too.”

  “Had you ever questioned your sexuality before?”

  “No. But I never thought it was an option.” Ray had known she would join the military from the time she was old enough to start hearing stories about her father’s service in Vietnam. She would never have done anything to jeopardize that goal. “Besides, I had Danny. I loved him very much.”

  “I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you.” Carly put her hand on Ray’s knee. “To lose your childhood sweetheart on top of everything else must have been devastating.”

  Ray shook her head. Losing Danny had been hard, but she had made that choice. “Our time had passed. He’ll always be important to me, but the Danny and Ray who came back from Iraq weren’t meant to be together.”

  “It’s hard to lose your first true love.” Carly sounded wistful, and Ray knew she was thinking about Nadia. “I don’t think it’s something you ever really get over.”

  Ray couldn’t imagine what it would be like to lose a partner whom you loved deeply, and with her your unborn child. “I should be asking you how you feel about all this,” she said, gesturing between them. “I know you’ve barely started dating again.”

  “I would never want to risk losing our friendship, but now that I know how you feel, I can’t imagine not giving this a chance.” Carly shifted closer, watching Ray’s eyes. “I haven’t felt anything even close to this since Nadia died. I never thought I would again.”

  Ray took Carly’s willingness to entrust her with a still-healing heart very seriously. She wanted nothing more than to extend that same trust to Carly, to believe that she would take things as slowly as Ray needed. But it would entail more than trust for this to work. After everything she had seen and done, she wasn’t sure she was worthy of Carly. Was there anything in her for Carly to love?

  As though reading her thoughts, Carly said, “You’re worth the risk, Ray.”

  “Even with all my issues?” Ray tried to hide her anxiety with a smile. “I’m trying to get better, but I’m not there yet.”

  “Who is?” Carly squeezed Ray’s knee. “I’m not perfect either.”

  The warmth of Carly’s hand through her track pants distracted Ray. She had so much more to say, but suddenly none of it seemed important. Her attention moved to Carly’s lips, and she shivered at the memory of Carly’s tongue in her mouth. “I think you’re beautiful.”

  Carly’s gaze drifted downward. “So are you.”

  “May I kiss you again?”

  Shifting until she sat almost in Ray’s lap, Carly planted a gentle kiss on the corner of her mouth. Ray closed her eyes, overwhelmed. She snaked her hands through Carly’s hair but didn’t try to deepen the kiss. Staying perfectly still, she let Carly trail a string of feather-soft kisses over her bottom lip, then the top. As much as she wanted to taste Carly again, Ray hated for the exquisite teasin
g to end. She waited it out, growing more and more aroused as Carly got closer to kissing her full on the lips.

  “You’re killing me.” Ray groaned. “Don’t stop.”

  “Never.” Carly’s breath was hot against Ray’s mouth. She dragged the tip of her tongue over Ray’s lower lip, then finally pressed inside.

  Ray dropped her hands to hold Carly’s hips, tugging her even closer. Carly gripped her arms, then slid her hands inside the cuffs of Ray’s sleeveless shirt, touching her bare back. As much as Ray wanted to take things slow, it felt so good to touch Carly. That she could be this close to anyone was a miracle.

  Used to a hard chest and muscled arms, Ray found Carly’s curves entirely foreign. Her hands moved almost unconsciously in exploration, to the small of Carly’s back, then inside her shirt, around to trace the soft skin of her belly. As Ray caressed every new inch of skin, her breathing grew more ragged. Carly panted into her mouth, biting gently on her lip when Ray grazed the underside of one breast.

  Feeling the firm flesh, Ray drew back, shocked by her own boldness. She gasped when they broke apart, desperate for air. She hadn’t meant to take things so far. Carly felt so incredible, Ray found it easy to get carried away.

  “No apologies.” Carly sounded like she was having trouble catching her own breath. “Please.”

  “None offered.” Ray took a moment to recover, then said, “By the way?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I am definitely comfortable being with a woman.”

  Carly’s laughter was tinged with arousal, and throatier than Ray had ever heard it. “You’re also an amazing kisser.”

  Ray’s chest filled with pride. “So are you.”

  “Thank you.” Carly looked as though she were weighing what she was about to say. “Could I take you out on a date sometime?”

  Swallowing, Ray said, “A date?” That sounded like it might require interaction with other people. Still, if it made Carly happy, Ray would try. “Like what?”

  “How about dinner?” Carly watched Ray’s face, and Ray knew she was trying to read an honest reaction. Carly never pushed her too far past her comfort zone. “I know this tiny little restaurant. Very intimate. Private.”

  “That sounds good.” Ray put on her bravest face, determined to go along to the best of her ability. Carly deserved a normal, functional girlfriend, and even though Ray didn’t fit the bill, she’d try her hardest to pretend. “When do you want to go?”

  “How about tomorrow night?”

  Ray’s stomach turned over. Twenty-four hours wasn’t a lot of time to mentally prepare, but at least she wouldn’t have to deal with nerves for too long. “I’d love to go on a date with you.”

  Carly’s look of pleasure made all the stress about going to a restaurant worthwhile. “Thank you,” she said. “I’ll even order for you. You don’t have to do any talking if you don’t want.”

  “I appreciate that.”

  “I want you to be as comfortable as possible. And I get that going out is a big deal. It means everything that you would do it for me.”

  Ray knew it was good for her to push herself. Carly was the worthiest incentive possible. “This is me trying to get better.”

  Carly gathered her into another hug. Burying her face in Carly’s neck, Ray inhaled deeply, greedy for her scent. For that moment, all her fears disappeared. Not since she returned to the United States had she felt so at home.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Carly’s cell phone rang twenty minutes before she was due to pick up Ray for their first date. She considered ignoring the call, but when she saw Leeann’s number she answered. Though she hated to stomp on Leeann’s dreams of having performed the ultimate fix-up, they had to have this conversation eventually. They hadn’t spoken since the blind date, and Leeann had to be dying of curiosity.

  Leeann’s greeting confirmed her suspicion. “How’d it go?”

  “It was nice.” Dinner had been delicious, conversation easy, and Jessica most likely would have agreed to a second date. In a world without Ray, Carly probably would have asked. “Jessica’s a really nice girl.”

  “Uh-oh.” Leeann sounded disappointed. “That bad?”

  “No, not bad at all.” Carly burned to tell Leeann about what had happened with Ray. She usually shared everything with Leeann, but she wasn’t ready to share this. The whole thing was still too new, too fragile. Better to see how things went before she admitted to Leeann that she was flirting with a potentially dangerous situation. “We had a good time. Jessica’s very funny.”

  “And cute, right?”

  “Totally cute,” Carly said. And she was. Jessica was perfectly cute and genuinely funny. She just wasn’t Ray. “I don’t think we’ll see each other again, though.”

  Leeann sighed. “I had such high hopes.”

  “I know you did.” Carly checked her hair in the mirror, then grabbed her sweater. Patting Jack on the head, she walked to the door. “It’s okay, Lee. I had a lot of fun. Hopefully she did, too. I just don’t think there’s any future for us.”

  “I wasn’t expecting you to get married or anything.”

  “I know.” Carly locked the door behind her and hurried to her car. The sun hung low in the sky, painting the clouds in shades of pink and red. A cool breeze blew in from the ocean, carrying the distant noise of sea birds. “I’ll be all right.”

  “Of course you will.” Leeann was clearly bummed out. “I was just hoping to find someone to help take your mind off other things.”

  Like Ray. “I appreciate that. But don’t worry about me, okay? Seriously, I’m doing great.”

  “Okay.” Leeann didn’t sound convinced. “What are you up to tonight?”

  Carly cringed. “I’m having dinner with Ray.”

  “Carly—”

  “I know, I know.” Carly started her car and transferred the call to her wireless headset. “I told you I’m okay. Trust me, please?”

  Leeann sighed. “I trust you.”

  “No more one-sided feelings for straight women,” Carly said. Technically it was the truth. Her feelings no longer seemed to be one-sided, and Ray was definitely not what she would consider 100 percent straight. “I promise.”

  “It’s that easy?”

  “I love you, Leeann. Thanks for looking out for me.” Carly was done talking about this for now, so she said, “I need to let you go. Talk to you later?”

  “Yeah. Bye.”

  Carly disconnected the call and shifted into reverse. She didn’t want to defend her decisions to Leeann right now. Especially not when she was worrying about them herself. Though she couldn’t imagine not taking a chance on Ray, she was scared of all the ways it could go wrong. Already she was losing her heart to Ray McKenna, and she had no idea if a real relationship would be possible. Not only because Ray had so much to overcome, but also because this was her own first try at caring for someone since Nadia’s death.

  Carly was torn between the bone-deep need to love and be loved, and the paralyzing fear of having her heart broken again just as it was starting to heal. Though Carly felt ready to give love another try, Ray McKenna was most likely a terrible risk. She had never been with a woman. She struggled to perform many of life’s everyday tasks, and she was prone to panic attacks. On top of it all, she was apparently coping with some degree of sexual dysfunction.

  Despite all the negatives, Carly had to see this through. Ray might be a mess, but she was a beautiful, compassionate, funny mess with a lot of shared interests and a body that made Carly want to weep. All Carly could do was hang on tight and hope for the best. She couldn’t turn back now.

  “Please,” Carly murmured. “Please let this work out.”

  *

  Ray glanced at the clock in the lower right corner of her computer screen. Carly would be arriving to pick her up in fifteen minutes. It wasn’t much time for an impromptu therapy session, but it would have to do. So much had happened in the week since she’d last spoken to Dr. Evans that Ray needed to
talk about. Preferably before the big date. Though she was already scheduled for tomorrow morning, Ray had broken down earlier that evening and left a message for Dr. Evans that she had an emergency. Within two hours, Dr. Evans returned her call and asked her to log in to the computer.

  Seeing her therapist in the video chat window wearing what looked like pajamas, Ray felt ashamed to be intruding so late. But she needed a last-minute pep talk. “Thank you so much, Dr. Evans. I’m very sorry to have bothered you at home.”

  “It’s fine, Ray. This is the first time you’ve ever called with an emergency. Is everything all right?”

  “I think so. Yes. I kissed Carly,” Ray blurted out. Feeling clumsy with her words, she added, “She kissed me back.”

  Dr. Evans’s smile suggested that she was trying to hold back the full scope of her reaction. “Yes, I don’t suppose this could wait for tomorrow.”

  “I would have called last night when it happened, but she didn’t go home until late.”

  Dr. Evans’s eyebrow popped. “Really?”

  “We didn’t sleep together,” Ray said quickly. “We just talked for a while. And kissed some more.” She cursed the heat in her face. She never used to feel so embarrassed talking about this stuff. One of the things she missed most about the old Ray was the ability to see sex as something fun and exciting. The new Ray couldn’t seem to get over the almost unbearable intimacy and trust involved. “I told her I wasn’t sure when I would be ready for more than that.”

  “This is a very big step,” Dr. Evans said. “On a lot of levels. How do you feel about it?”

  “We’re going out to dinner tonight. So that’s scary, but also kind of exciting. She makes me feel so safe. Like everything will be okay.”

  “And how do you feel about being with a woman? Not long ago you were defensive about being perceived as a lesbian.”

  “I know,” Ray said. “When you and I talked about Carly the other day, I wasn’t ready to accept my feelings. I know I got defensive, and I’m sorry.”

  “But now you can see yourself in a relationship with Carly?”