Battle Scars

by Meghan O'Brien

  Ray met Carly’s gaze. “I never realized how much that thing with Archer affected me until now.”

  “It makes sense that it would come up when we were getting intimate.” Carly slowly kissed Ray on the cheek. Proof that she was still here. That Ray hadn’t scared her away.

  “I wanted to be inside you so badly,” Ray whispered when Carly pulled back. “I never knew touching another woman could be so intense, that I would want you so badly. I just…lost myself for a moment.” She shifted so that their bodies no longer touched, as though ashamed by the admission. “I wanted to make love to you, but I also wanted to fuck you. It scared me.”

  “You’re not like him.” Carly touched Ray’s face, encouraging her to make eye contact. “What just happened between us was nothing like what he did to you. That was about power and control, not desire. Just now, that was desire. You touched me and I responded, and you got excited. I didn’t say no. I didn’t push you away. I have no doubt that if I did, you would listen.”

  “You’re right. I know that.”

  Ray’s voice sounded so full of sorrow. “Please don’t be sad,” Carly said. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “When I imagined making love with you, I thought it would be soft and slow and gentle.” Ray laid her face on her knees and shrugged. “I couldn’t even do that right.”

  “You were perfect. Soft is great, but so is hard. What’s important is that we both enjoy what we’re doing. Trust me, I loved every second of it.”

  Ray sighed. “You’re way too good for me.”

  Though she sounded like she was trying to keep the comment light, Carly sensed that Ray meant exactly what she said. “I hope you don’t really believe that.”

  “I try not to, but I feel so damaged sometimes. The things I saw over there, what I did, they make me feel dirty. Fucked up. Like I don’t deserve someone as wonderful as you.”

  “I’m hardly perfect.” Carly laughed nervously. The last thing she needed was to be put on a pedestal when she felt just as damaged. She might not have gone through the same kind of trauma, but she had her fair share of baggage from the past. “I’m bound to disappoint you if you think I am. Consider it fair warning.”

  “Point taken.” Ray picked up Carly’s hand and very gently traced the shape of each finger. “But you are really special. Beautiful. It seems like I’d have to force you or trick you into being with me, because if you knew who I really was—what I’m really like—you wouldn’t want me.”

  “That’s bullshit,” Carly said. Ray blinked, obviously surprised by her word choice, but Carly continued. “So you have some battle scars. So do I. Nadia’s death broke me. Even though I’ve had some time to heal, I still carry those scars. They may fade with time, but they’ll never go away completely. Neither will yours. They don’t define who you are, Ray. Just where you’ve been.”

  Ray didn’t move, and for a moment Carly worried about relating her own tragedy to Ray’s. But Ray pulled her into a tight hug.

  “That’s one reason I was so drawn to you,” Ray whispered into her ear. “You can understand me, in some crazy way.”

  Carly put her hand on the back of Ray’s neck. “I could never understand exactly what you’ve seen and done, but I’ll always listen, and I’ll never judge.”

  Ray drew back and nodded. “Should we try to lie down again?”

  “Sure.” Carly lay back against her pillow, then turned on her side to face Ray. Like before, Ray mirrored her pose. For a long time she was quiet, and Carly wondered if she was done talking. As soon as Carly considered closing her eyes, Ray spoke.

  “I’ve never told anyone about Archer. Except Dr. Evans, of course.” Ray eased her foot over to Carly’s side of the bed, and Carly trapped it between her calves. She welcomed the connection, however tenuous. “After they killed him it didn’t seem right to say anything, you know?”

  “That must have been horrifying.” Carly had heard the details of the execution video that surfaced on the Internet, but no amount of money would have convinced her to seek it out. She didn’t need to see some things. “Watching him be murdered like that.”

  “I had a lot of guilt for a long time.” Ray’s hand crossed the empty space between them, finding Carly’s hip and settling there. She made no move to touch Carly further. “After he attacked me, at times I wished he would die. So I wouldn’t have to worry about him waiting for me again some night. He didn’t deserve to die like he did—nobody deserves that—but when it happened a part of me was glad it was him and not one of the other guys.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “No, it’s terrible. For a while I was afraid it was my fault, which is ridiculous. I wanted him gone, and less than a month later…he was.”

  “Thinking something doesn’t make it your fault,” Carly murmured. How many times had she consoled herself with that idea in the months after Nadia’s death? “No matter what you felt after the assault, you didn’t murder him. You didn’t make that happen.”

  “I know that logically. But logic doesn’t touch a lot of my guilt.”

  “I get it.” Carly felt around under the covers for Ray’s other hand and grasped it. “After Nadia called to tell me she was pregnant, I had this moment of sheer terror. I mean, I was excited, sure, but I was so scared. Maybe I wasn’t ready to be a parent. Maybe we’d made a mistake. If I really wasn’t ready, what would I do?” Carly shuddered. “Two hours later I got a call from the hospital. She and the baby were dead.”

  “I bet all prospective parents have those moments of doubt,” Ray said. “Having a kid is a huge deal. I can’t imagine not worrying about it.”

  “I wrestled with a lot of guilt, though.” For months she had secretly feared that her doubts had somehow materialized and slammed into Nadia’s car. “Logically I knew I never wanted to lose them, that thinking we made a mistake had nothing to do with what happened. But when you have gut-wrenching fear and the source of your fear suddenly vanishes, it’s hard not to feel like you caused it.”

  “You’re right,” Ray murmured. “That kind of guilt doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

  “Easier to see that from the outside, isn’t it?”

  “Yes.” Ray rubbed her thumb over Carly’s lower lip. “You’re really good at making me feel better. That’s one of the things I love most about you.”

  Carly’s heart stuttered at Ray’s declaration, but Ray’s lazy smile showed that she didn’t realize the full scope of what she had just said. “I try.”

  Ray put a hand on her shoulder. “Turn over. I want to hold you.”

  Carly rolled so her back was to Ray, then murmured her approval when Ray wrapped an arm around her middle and pulled her close. “Is this okay?”

  “This is perfect.”

  “Thanks for sleeping over, Carly.” Ray kissed her shoulder. “And for being so understanding about…before.”

  Carly closed her eyes, remembering how Ray’s hand felt on her bare breast. “Of course,” she whispered. God, she hoped they could try that again soon. “Good night.”

  Ray squeezed her gently. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Ray woke up with a smile on her face and a cramp in her leg. Opening her eyes, she surveyed the scene around her. Carly’s head lay on her breast, and one arm curled around Ray’s waist. Their lower bodies were pressed together because at some point during the night, both dogs had snuck up onto the bed with them. With two adult bodies, a shepherd mix, and an almost two-hundred-pound Great Dane, real estate on the queen-sized mattress was scarce.

  Desperate to stretch her legs, Ray started to wake Carly up. Then she stopped, gazing down at the crown of Carly’s head, loath to disturb her. Carly’s face rested directly on her nipple, which hardened when Ray marveled at their proximity. This situation could make her feel claustrophobic, trapped, but it didn’t. She felt surrounded by love.

  Last night had been surreal—both her intense arousal with Carly in bed an
d her ability to talk openly about things she never expected to share with anyone except in therapy. The emotional highs and lows of the previous evening were extreme, but in the amber glow of morning, Ray felt lighter. Maybe even cleansed.

  She hadn’t been able to reconcile what had happened to trigger her panic attack. That would take time, and she needed Dr. Evans’s perspective. Carly’s calm acceptance didn’t stop Ray from being disturbed that she had lost control and also that she had enjoyed taking control from Carly.

  Despite that new issue, this morning she felt optimistic. Carly was still there, wrapped in her arms. They would slow things down and work through this together.

  “Ouch,” Carly mumbled. Her mouth moved against Ray’s breast, sending a jolt of surprised pleasure to the tips of Ray’s toes. “I think your dog is lying on my foot.”

  Ray winced in sympathy. “Jagger, off.”

  “You too, Jack.” Carly clung to Ray when both dogs jostled them as they clambered off the bed. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to walk anymore. I can’t feel anything below my knee.”

  “If you had to become incapacitated somewhere, I’m grateful it was in my bed.” Ray kissed Carly’s hair.

  Carly looked at Jagger, who sat staring at them from the foot of the bed. “Did she promise you a cookie for doing that? I told you not to let her use you as a pawn in her nefarious misdeeds.”

  Ray laughed, and when Carly looked up at her grinning, she gave her a soft kiss on the mouth. “Good morning.”

  “Good morning to you,” Carly murmured against her lips. “Did you have sweet dreams?”

  Ray couldn’t remember her dreams. That alone was sweet. “The sweetest.”

  “I’m glad.” Carly lay on her pillow, but kept her arm around Ray’s waist. “It’s nice waking up with you.”

  “Very nice.” Ray put her hand on Carly’s side and found a strip of bare skin with her fingertips but fought the impulse to touch Carly’s breasts. The contact would be welcome, but Carly was right that they should slow things down. Ray wasn’t ready to make love yet and had no interest in driving them both crazy.

  “What are your plans today?” Carly raised her hands above her head and stretched. “Anything exciting?”

  “That depends.”

  “On?”

  “What are your plans?”

  Carly’s face lit up. “Well, I’m not working today. So I was hoping they would include you.”

  “Perfect. Maybe we can go to your house and play video games or something.” Carly always complained that it was hard to find women her age to game with. Ray was happy to learn if she could spend time with Carly.

  “That would be awesome.” Carly stroked the side of Ray’s face. “I was also thinking about calling Tanya at ADI. They have another litter of puppies so we could get some puppy playtime in.”

  Shit. As much as Ray had enjoyed the puppy petting, she and Carly hadn’t been lovers then. Or nearly lovers. Surely Tanya would see that something had changed between them. Hell, anyone who saw her with Carly would know exactly how she felt. It wasn’t easy to hide being stupid in love.

  “Maybe.” Ray scrambled for an excuse. She didn’t want Carly to know that she didn’t want their relationship found out. That would hurt Carly—how could it not? And this was Ray’s problem. It had nothing to do with Carly. “I’m not feeling very well, though. I’d prefer to stick close to home.”

  The concern in Carly’s eyes made Ray feel like a fool. “What’s wrong, darling? Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. My stomach is bothering me a little. Maybe that pizza last night?” The only thing upsetting her stomach was the lie, but now that it was out there, Ray was committed to it.

  “You sure you’re up for video games? If you need some rest, I can find something else to do.”

  “No.” The last thing Ray wanted was to chase Carly away. “I’ll be fine. I just don’t want to be far from home. Just in case.”

  “I understand.” Carly sat up and peeked at the doorway, where both dogs now sat patiently. “I think they’re trying to tell us something.”

  “Looks like it.” Ray touched Carly’s back. “You want to take the first shower?”

  “You’ll take care of the dogs?”

  “Sure. I’ll run Jack through the agility course before my shower. Then we can feed them.”

  “Hey, I’d love to see you take him through it sometime today, if you don’t mind.” Carly squeezed Ray’s arm. “I’m really curious about how he’s doing with the weave poles.”

  “Oh, he’s awesome.” Pride filled Ray’s chest at the thought of Jack’s steady progress. “Better every day.”

  “Do you think he’ll be ready to compete in June?”

  Ray’s stomach clenched. Only six weeks away, the agility trial was a looming goal that both she and Jack had been working so hard toward. Jack was ready, but she wasn’t certain about herself. Granted, she wouldn’t have to get up in front of everyone and run him through the course. Carly would be happy to take on that role. Ray desperately wanted to see the result of their many hours of hard work from the sidelines. Before she and Carly got together, she might have been able to do it. Now she wasn’t sure.

  As though sensing her thoughts, Jack whined at the door. He just wanted to be let out, but the sound jarred her out of her fears. Of course she would go to the agility trial. No matter how scary it was. She owed it to Jack, and to herself.

  “He’s ready,” Ray said, determined. For her own sake, she damn well better be ready, too.

  *

  Usually when Dr. Evans started a session by asking Ray what she wanted to focus on that day, she struggled to come up with a topic. Three days after her first night in bed with Carly, Ray knew exactly what she wanted to talk about.

  “Sex.”

  Dr. Evans raised an eyebrow. “I thought this might come up soon.”

  “Like you said, being with Carly…physically…is stirring up a lot of emotions. Some that I’m not sure how to deal with.” Ray twisted her hands in her lap, face hot with embarrassment. Though they had mentioned her sexuality in the past, they had never focused on it in their sessions. They had discussed her lack of sex drive after Iraq, but that was it. She had built a great deal of trust with Dr. Evans, but it was still strange to talk about sex with anyone. “We haven’t actually had sex yet, but we came close.”

  “Tell me what happened.”

  Ray told Dr. Evans about their evening on the couch, necking like teenagers instead of watching the movie. “Then I asked her to spend the night. In my bed.”

  “Did you intend to have sex?”

  “No,” Ray said, but she wasn’t entirely honest. “Well, maybe. I mean, I thought that maybe we would. I was pretty scared, but I think I hoped we would.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  Ray averted her eyes from the monitor, too humiliated to meet Dr. Evans’s gaze even through the camera lens. “We started kissing and she told me I could touch her breasts. So I did, and I got so excited I kind of got carried away.”

  “Carried away how?”

  Ray closed her eyes altogether, ashamed. “I pulled up her shirt so I could see her breasts, then all of a sudden I was on top of her. Holding her down and kissing her.”

  “Was she uncomfortable?”

  Ray shook her head, glancing furtively at the monitor. “She said she wasn’t. But I was. I had a brief flashback. Of Archer. I almost had a full-fledged panic attack, but luckily Jagger was there to help snap me out of it.”

  “Look at me, Ray.” Dr. Evans had this amazing way of sounding patient and sympathetic, like she was incapable of passing judgment. Relaxing, Ray looked back at the webcam. “You are not Sergeant Archer.”

  “I know,” Ray said. “But maybe I could be.”

  “You might hold Carly down and hit her in the face? Force her to have sex against her will?”

  Ray flinched. “Of course not.”

  “Okay, then. You are not Sergeant Archer. Let’s unpack th
is. There’s a lot going on here. Think about how you felt when you got on top of Carly. How your body felt. What was happening in your mind?”

  “I…” Ray tried to go back to that moment. Carly’s breast was so soft, so perfect. For years Ray had lived with breasts of her own, never realizing how incredible they could be. She remembered baring Carly’s chest, then feeling the blood surge through her veins when she saw tight pink nipples. Needing to be on top of Carly, inside her. “I was so aroused. I wanted her. Completely.”

  “That’s perfectly normal with someone you’re attracted to. Especially if romantic feelings go along with that desire. And friendship on top of that?” Dr. Evans chuckled. “We’re talking major, major passion, Ray.”

  Ray frowned. “Does that explain the way I wanted to be in control, though? It wasn’t even a conscious desire. All of a sudden I had her hands above her head and was kissing the hell out of her. The whole situation, including the control, excited me. When she moved like she was trying to pull away I pressed her wrists down harder.”

  “What did she do then?”

  Ray shivered. “She pulled away from our kiss.” She remembered Carly’s murmured pleas, which Ray had interpreted as begging her to stop. “She said ‘please’ a couple times, and I freaked out when I realized what I was doing. But—”

  “What?”

  “She told me she was enjoying it. That…” Ray’s face was on fire. “I made her wet. And when I think back on it, the way she moved beneath me definitely didn’t feel like she was scared or upset.”

  “Sounds like Carly was getting off on you taking control.” Dr. Evans smiled. “You two could have a great sexual dynamic. That is, if you can get comfortable enough to let it play out.”

  Ray shifted in her office chair. “I don’t know if I will ever feel okay about taking over like that.”

  “If the activity is consensual and Carly enjoys it as much as you do, why not? Listen, there is nothing abnormal or sinister about enjoying the feeling of being in control during sexual situations. Plenty of people find it a turn-on. And others enjoy the opposite—surrendering control.”