Battle Scars

by Meghan O'Brien

  “You’re probably right. I don’t know how not to be scared, though.”

  “I’m not sure there’s any way to turn off the fear. You know better than a lot of people what real loss feels like. And you don’t want to experience it again. That’s natural.” Leeann squeezed her hand. “Part of healing is pushing past the fear so you can put yourself out there again. I don’t think you’ll be truly happy unless you do that.”

  “That’s a gloomy thought.” Sighing, Carly looked out the window again. A flock of sea birds circled the rocks that jutted out of the water, startling points of white in the darkening sky. “I wasn’t unhappy before Ray came along.”

  “No, but you weren’t all that happy. You were safe.”

  “I liked safe,” Carly said. “I miss safe.”

  “How about Ray? Do you miss her?”

  A tear escaped from Carly’s eye and she caught it on her finger, wiping it away. “Desperately.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Her hands are tied behind her back. The plastic cuffs chafe her wrists and warm blood drips down her fingers from her futile struggle to break loose. At least it distracts her from the shooting pain in her broken leg. Her cuffed feet rest in a large pool of blood, but it’s not hers. They have her sitting in the same chair Archer was in when they cut off his head.

  The guttural sounds of Arabic are being spoken behind the closed door of this windowless room. They plan to kill her. The video camera they used to record Archer’s murder is pointed at her, watchful on its tripod. How does it feel to be decapitated? When will awareness end? Will she feel the knife slice across her throat?

  Then the voices disappear. She isn’t sure how she knows, but her captors are gone. They aren’t coming back. She begins to struggle anew, but the restraints hold firm, digging deeper into her tender wrists. If she could just stand up and open the door, she can go home. She can go back to the way things used to be before, and she’ll be able to put this place behind her forever.

  Except she can’t break free. And no one is coming to rescue her. The cuffs on her wrists grow tighter, and the horror of knowing that she will die here, after all, consumes her—

  Ray’s eyes snapped open and she inhaled sharply. Heart racing, she took in the broad stripe of early-morning light painted across the foot of her bed. Jagger’s solid bulk pressed against her side, and as her breathing evened out, he gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek. The slobbery gesture should have grossed her out, but all she felt was deep relief.

  “I’m home.” Ray rolled onto her side to clutch at Jagger. Burying her face in his broad neck, she murmured, “I’m home and I’m safe.”

  The mantra usually reassured her after a nightmare, but this morning it didn’t ease her disquiet. She grasped at the rapidly fading details of the dream so she could remember why it had been so terrifying. Usually she tried to push her nightmares out of her head as soon as she woke, but this one was different. Her dreams of Iraq never carried any sense of hope, but this one had, if only for an instant. This time it was up to her to escape, to leave that room behind, and she hadn’t been able to. That disturbed her even more than the dreams that ended with a knife to her throat.

  If she had the power to save herself, she damn well wanted to.

  Ray glanced at the digital clock on her nightstand. Seven in the morning. Carly was probably still sleeping—she loved to sleep in on Saturdays. Unless Jack had already woken her up to go potty. Ray smiled at the thought of Carly grumbling, still half asleep, as she let Jack outside.

  She shifted her gaze to her cell phone and stopped smiling. Untangling herself from Jagger, she grabbed it off the nightstand and dialed the number of her voice mailbox. She punched in her passcode then pushed the button to play the message she’d saved last night before bed.

  “Hey, Ray. It’s Carly. Um, I don’t really know what to say at this point. It’s been over two weeks now, and I’m—I don’t know how I am. Are you even listening to these voice mails? Or am I just making an ass of myself by continuing to leave them? I wish you’d answer my calls. I miss you and I love you very much. Please call me, okay? Let’s talk about this. You don’t have to go through this alone. I love you. Okay, bye.”

  Ray saved the message again and hung up. She ached to return Carly’s call, but knew she wouldn’t. At least not yet. Not when she had nothing to show for their time apart. She hadn’t had any breakthroughs. Sure, she had gone to buy groceries, but that didn’t mean a lot. Especially when she wasn’t sure she would have gone if Carly had been with her.

  Ray gave Jagger a pat on the back. “Ready to go outside, big boy?”

  Jagger opened his mouth in a mighty yawn and lumbered off the bed, stretching until he nearly fell onto his stomach. Ray laughed at his clumsy attempt to start the day. She met him at the foot of the bed and they walked to the door together. He left the bedroom before her, sniffing a path to the back sliding door. Ray let them both into the backyard and soaked in the crisp morning breeze while Jagger took care of business.

  Summer was nearly here. Though the ocean still sent cool air inland, the sun overhead bathed her with slight warmth even this early in the day. Ray had mixed feelings about the change of season. Though she enjoyed the weather, she mourned the passing of time. Tomorrow was the first day of June. In just over a week Jack’s agility trial would happen. No matter how scared she had been to go out in public with Carly, she wouldn’t have missed that. Not after she and Jack worked so hard to prepare.

  “Too late now,” Ray murmured. Disappointment sliced through her. No way would she make the kind of progress Dr. Evans had suggested in that time. Let alone feel like she was good enough to go back to Carly.

  The dream came back to her in a flash. The helplessness of being tied to that chair, unable to escape. Experiencing a brief surge of hope, only to have it crushed when she realized she couldn’t help herself. Ray tightened her hands into fists. She was so fucking tired of feeling helpless and hopeless. And she missed Carly like crazy.

  Without letting herself second-guess what she was about to do, Ray walked back to her bedroom and grabbed her cell phone. She pulled up her contacts and navigated down the list until she found Juliet’s number. It was ten o’clock in Boston and her older sister had never been a late sleeper, so it was probably safe to call. Besides, if she didn’t do it now she wasn’t sure when she would work up the courage again.

  Ray walked back to the den listening to the phone ring. Part of her hoped Juliet wouldn’t answer, but mostly she prayed she would. Dr. Evans was right. Anticipation was terrible. She just wanted to get this over with.

  Juliet answered as Ray let Jagger back into the house. “Ray?”

  Juliet’s obvious surprise made her ashamed for taking so long to make this call. She had once been close to her sister, but they had barely spoken since she returned from Iraq. “Hey, Jules.”

  “Oh my God.” Juliet sounded like she might cry. “How are you? It’s so good to hear from you.”

  “I’m okay.” It was true enough. “How are you? How’s Tom?”

  “We’re great. We just finished remodeling our upstairs bathroom, so we’re finally getting the house back in order.” Juliet laughed. “But that’s not really that interesting, right? Let me hear about you. How’s California?”

  “I like it. I’ve got a little house near the ocean, the weather is a hell of a lot better than Michigan—”

  “Or Boston, probably.”

  “Probably.” Ray sat down on the couch and rubbed a hand over her face. No matter how nervous she was to tell Juliet about Carly, she couldn’t deny that it felt good to hear her voice. “I’m so sorry I didn’t call you sooner.”

  “It’s okay. I know you’ve had a lot on your plate.”

  “Yeah. I’ve been doing better, though. Did Mom tell you I got a therapy dog?”

  “She mentioned that. She misses you, by the way. I bet she’d love to hear from you.”

  Ray’s throat went dry. She could only
worry about talking to one of them at a time. “I know. I’m…it’s hard.”

  “She knows that. That’s why she’s been trying to give you space. We all have. She’s just worried about you. You know how she is.”

  “Yeah.” Ray cleared her throat. She could make small talk or try to get the hard part out of the way. Maybe if she could figure out how to bring up Carly, she would be able to relax and enjoy the rest of the conversation. “Danny called me a few months ago. Did you hear he’s getting married?”

  “I did,” Juliet said cautiously. “How do you feel about that?”

  “It’s great. I mean, it’s weird. But I’m glad he’s doing well.”

  “Allison met his fiancée. She said she’s nice.”

  Ray snorted at the thought of their outspoken younger sister sizing up Danny’s new girlfriend. “I’m sure that was interesting.”

  “How about you?” Juliet’s voice sounded cheerful, but had an undercurrent of resignation. Almost like she already knew the answer and was disappointed. “Have you met any hot California guys yet?”

  This was it. Juliet had given her the perfect opening. All she needed to do now was speak up. Ray opened her mouth and hesitated, scared of what might happen after the words were out. What if Juliet thought she was disgusting and hung up? What if she told her husband, who told someone else?

  “I’m sorry,” Juliet said in a rush. “I wasn’t trying to be insensitive. Forget I asked.”

  Ray took a calming breath. This was her sister, for God’s sake. Juliet loved her and cared about her. The chances that she would hang up on her or otherwise betray her were slim. She had never given Ray any reason to think she would react with anything other than curiosity or even pleasure. Juliet wanted her to be happy, and since Carly made her happy, Juliet would most likely be okay with this revelation.

  “No, I’m sorry.” Ray closed her eyes and leapt. “I was trying to figure out how to tell you that I have met someone. She’s a hot California girl, though.”

  Silence. Then delighted laughter. “You mean—”

  “Her name is Carly. She’s my dog’s veterinarian.”

  “And you guys are—”

  “Yeah.” From Juliet’s obvious mirth, it was clear that Ray hadn’t needed to worry. “It surprised me, too.”

  “I’ll bet. So tell me about her. What’s she like?”

  All the anxiety that had been coiled up in Ray’s stomach dissipated as she launched into excited chatter. It felt great to confide in someone who wasn’t her therapist, especially because Juliet was so receptive.

  “She sounds wonderful,” Juliet said finally. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to know that you’ve got someone out there.”

  Ray felt her grin slip away as reality washed over her. It wasn’t like she actually had Carly, at least not at the moment. But hopefully talking to Juliet was a good first step to finding her way back.

  “She’s helped me so much,” Ray said. “And I haven’t been the easiest person to deal with, to say the least.”

  “You’re worth it. She’s lucky to have you.”

  If only Ray could be so confident. “Thanks, Jules. For everything. I was so scared to tell you about all this, and you’ve been great. It’s such a relief.”

  “You were scared? What did you think I would say?”

  “I don’t know. I wasn’t sure how you would react. I’m still not sure how Mom and Allison will react.”

  “They love you, Ray. Just like I do. They’ll be happy if you’re happy. I promise.”

  Ray realized she was crying only when she felt tears streaming down her face. “I hope so.”

  “I promise. We’re your family and we’re so proud of you. Nothing you could do will change that.”

  Ray wiped her tears away. “Everything seems scary these days. I’ve been struggling with the idea of people finding out about Carly and me. I have these visions of magazine articles and my picture plastered all over the Internet—”

  “Hey, the important part is that Carly loves you, your family loves you, and you’re happy. That’s it. I know it’s probably trite to say this, but screw the rest of the world. Right?”

  It was a little trite, but Ray appreciated the sentiment. “Right.”

  “This might be a good time to tell you that I slept with a girl in college.”

  “What?” Ray sputtered shocked laughter. “When did you have time with all those boyfriends you brought home?”

  “I made time, believe me. It was a lot of fun, actually.”

  So her sister had more experience with lesbian sex than she did. That was about the last thing she’d expected to learn today. “I had no idea.”

  “I didn’t want to tell you when you were in the military. I knew you were a little…put off by that whole topic.”

  “Yeah. Times have changed.”

  “Clearly.” Juliet paused. “Thank you for calling, Ray. It was great talking to you. And I’m honored you told me about Carly. I’m so excited for you.”

  “Time to get off the phone?”

  “Yeah, Tom and I are going hiking with another couple. If I don’t get ready now, we’ll be late.”

  “I don’t want to make you late. I’ll talk to you soon?”

  “That would be wonderful. Could I call you tomorrow when I have more time?”

  “Awesome. Looking forward to it.”

  “I love you, sis.”

  “I love you, too. Bye.” Ray hung up smiling. Any remaining traces of her nightmare disappeared. She had her sister back.

  When she’d picked up the phone she thought she was calling Juliet for Carly. To prove that she could make progress, that she wouldn’t hide from everyone forever. But talking to Juliet had been as much for her as Carly. Just as finally talking to Danny had lifted a weight off her shoulders, reconnecting with her sister provided the unexpected thrill of feeling like the old Ray, even if just for a little while.

  Ray brought her contacts list up again. She had a couple more phone calls to make.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Carly accidentally found the video online. At first she almost didn’t watch it, afraid she’d stumbled upon the record of Sergeant Robert Archer’s murder. But the screen grab showed a grainy picture of Ray looking frightened and wearing a headscarf in front of a colorful tapestry, so she took a chance and clicked Play.

  This was her first time watching Ray’s hostage video, but Carly remembered hearing about the message the insurgents forced Ray to read. An anti-American, pro-Jihadist statement that some in the media had criticized her for reciting, even though a disembodied hand held a knife to her throat throughout the minute-long clip. Ray’s voice was flat and unaffected, clearly disassociated from her words.

  Carly shivered when the video ended. She had followed the news coverage during the hostage crisis, but since meeting Ray had only read dry facts on Wikipedia to refresh her memory. Seeing stills from this video years ago had been chilling, but now that she had held Ray in her arms, the images were horrifying. The fear in Ray’s eyes, the sharp blade against her neck seared into Carly’s brain, and she had to push her chair back from her computer and stand up to get away.

  Shakily, Carly sat cross-legged on the floor next to Jack’s pillow. He opened his eyes and lifted his head, always ready to wake from a nap for some excitement. Carly wrapped her arms around him, needing the comfort. He sighed and laid his head back down.

  “She went through so much,” Carly whispered. It helped to talk through her conflicted thoughts aloud, and Jack was the perfect audience. No judgment, the consummate listener. “I can’t imagine how I would have handled being in that situation. Let alone everything else that happened to her over there.”

  It was easy to know something without dwelling on what it really meant. Of course she was aware of the horror Ray had endured, but watching that video brought everything into focus in a way that left her shaken and slightly ashamed. It was a wonder Ray wasn’t institutionalized. That her biggest is
sues centered around the ability to do things like go to the grocery store or walk on the beach was a miracle.

  And she had given Ray a hard time because she wasn’t ready to be out as a lesbian.

  It was more complicated than that, but since dinner with Leeann, Carly had been beating herself up over her rush to put the brakes on her relationship with Ray. Her concerns were valid, but Leeann raised a good point. Maybe Carly had been too quick to step back when things started getting serious. Surely she could have addressed her worries with Ray in a more sensitive way.

  It was scary to imagine losing another lover, but was even worse to think that she might have sabotaged a chance for true happiness. Perhaps if she had offered to stand by Ray while she dealt with her fears, or at the very least tried to talk through them with Ray instead of asking her to work them out on her own, things would be different now. She knew Ray wanted to get better. Leaving probably hadn’t been the only or even the best option.

  Carly glanced at the phone. How many unanswered calls had she made over the past few weeks? She had no way of knowing if Ray was listening to her messages, though she hoped she wasn’t leaving them in vain. Knowing it was probably futile, she tried again. She owed Ray an apology, even if she couldn’t do it in person.

  Carly wasn’t surprised when her call rang through to voice mail. She listened to the generic outgoing message, wishing that Ray had recorded something personal. She longed to hear Ray’s voice, and even a canned greeting would be nice.

  When the voice mail beeped, Carly closed her eyes. “Hey, Ray. Me again. I promise I’m not stalking you. I just need you to hear me out. I’ve been thinking a lot and—” Here went nothing. “I screwed up. We had issues we needed to work out, absolutely, but I was a coward to ask you to deal with them alone. It was unfair. And so I’m sorry. I know what it took for you to trust me in the first place, so maybe asking for another chance is really pushing my luck, but here I am, asking. I want to do right by you so badly. I promise never to leave you alone with your demons again, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”