“I really don’t know…” I replied. “I… Months ago… Just after the accident… I… I kissed him… I don’t even know what I was thinking… It just happened… I thought it didn’t mean anything… But…” I trailed off. “Truthfully, I don’t know how I feel about Matt, but I do know that, whatever the reason, I can’t stand seeing him like this…”
Mum sighed.
“You really like to make my job hard, don’t you?” she joked. “You can’t force him to be okay. That much is obvious. He will get better eventually, I promise. As far as how you feel… I mean, I’ve never felt anything like that, that’s just how I am, so I’m really not the best person to give you relationship advice, but the way I see it, you’ve got a lot of shit going on in your life at the moment, more than any other eighteen-year-old girl should have to go through… You don’t have to be able to understand exactly what you’re feeling all of the time. It’s just not possible. You’re not a child, but you’ve still got plenty of growing up to do. Try to let yourself do that,” she advised. “What I’m trying to say is… Just do what you think will make you happy, even if you’re not a hundred percent sure. It’s better than just sitting on your feelings forever.”
“I… I guess that makes sense…” I admitted. “Either way, I can’t think about it right now. There’s just too much at stake for me to be worrying about stuff like this…”
Mum stared at me.
“You know, I don’t like you doing all of this,” she confessed.
I was shocked, in a strange way. I mean, it didn’t entirely surprise me that she would have an issue with me getting caught up in all of this mess with the Syndicate and Elijah Blake, but she’d never said anything about it before.
“I know…” I replied. “It’s not like I really like it either… I wish there was a way for me to go back to normal, to forget about all of this ‘Guardian’ crap… But that’s not going to happen… Whether I like it or not, I’m a Guardian now. I have a responsibility…”
“Your responsibility is to that stone, isn’t it?” Mum asked. “What’s that got to do with the school?”
That really did shock me. Is she really suggesting what I think she’s suggesting? I asked myself.
“I can’t just leave…” I answered. “It doesn’t have anything to do with the Stone anymore, not exactly…”
“Then what is it?” Mum pushed.
“The stone’s given me power. The more I’ve gotten used to it, the more powerful my magic’s gotten. If I concentrate, I can even cast spells just by thinking about it, if I have the stone...” I explained. “Magic… It’s the most amazing thing, and the truth is that if I’ve really been given the opportunity to have this power, then I have a responsibility to use it to protect people. I genuinely believe that.”
Mum sat up.
“Well… I guess I can’t exactly argue with that…” she admitted. “I just hate seeing you in danger all the time! First, I’m told that you’ve almost drowned… Then you come home telling me your school’s been attacked and someone is…” she trailed off, but I knew what she was saying.
“I know… I can’t begin to pretend I know what it’s like for you… And I feel horrible for making you worry, I really do… But I… I can’t just give up on them… I have to do this, mum…”
“I know. I know… This is something that you have to do, you have a responsibility, I get all of that… But you’re… You’re my little girl, Em, and the thought of something happening to you…”
“I’ll be fine. I’m strong. I’m going to keep getting stronger. I’m going to find Elijah, and I’m going to stop the Syndicate, and then everyone will be safe. I promise.” I wrapped my arms around my mother and pulled her in. “I promise…”
I felt bad saying that. I knew I couldn’t promise that. I’d done it before. I’d promised Leigh that everyone was going to be okay when the Syndicate attacked and, well… We all know how that turned out… But I meant what I said. I wasn’t planning on getting killed any time soon. Not that anyone does, but I was particularly motivated at this point. I sighed and stood up.
“I’m going to go get some sleep…” I decided. “Not that that’s ever easy…”
“Are the voices bad again?” Mum asked. I shrugged.
“Not really. I’m starting to learn how to block them out, for the most part. I’ve just got a lot on my mind, that’s all.”
“Well, I suppose we were just talking about all of that…” Mum admitted. “Don’t force yourself to go to sleep, okay? You’re more likely to get to sleep if you give yourself the chance to.”
I nodded.
“Goodnight, mum.” I turned around and walked into my bedroom.
You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep… You know you’re probably going to end up dead sooner or later…
And there were the voices again…
“I’m not going to die!”
But you can’t really promise that, can you? You can’t tell the future...
“I’m not going to let anyone kill me. Not the Syndicate. Not Elijah. Not anyone.”
My brain carried on arguing with me, but I decided to try and ignore it. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, trying to ignore the voices still whispering away in my head.
*
I walked through the gardens of the school the afternoon after, killing time until we were allowed out of the school. Since the attack, the school had hardened security about as much as you would expect. Students weren’t allowed to leave the campus between nine and half three, which made sense to me, but it makes it pretty boring when I didn’t have anything else to do. This meant that I’d really started to get an appreciation for the little details of the school.
The gardens were a new discovery that I’d made in the last week or so. They were tucked away in their own walled-off area on the western side of the school and were full of every kind of flower and plant I could think of. I’d often been impressed by things like when it came to Foxway. The library still never failed to impress me, and the lake was obviously beautiful. But the gardens were something else. It was like something out of a fantasy novel.
Anyway, I liked to use the gardens as a place to relax a bit. The lake was a good place for thinking, but sometimes I needed somewhere where I didn’t have to. Where I could take five minutes to actually remember that I still exist outside of Magic and stones and evil revolutionary groups.
I walked through the gardens, trying to do just that. For once there wasn’t anything in particular that I was trying to forget about, but I needed some time to refocus my brain. With everything that had been going on; My conversation with Raven, everything with Matt, as well as the constant risk of the school being attacked again… I needed to try and put my mind off all of it for a bit and to work out exactly what I needed to be worrying about. I stopped for a moment and looked down at a particularly bright bed of flowers.
“Impressive, aren’t they?” an aged voice asked from behind me. I turned around to see Professor Greyford walking towards me.
“Professor…” I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say. I hadn’t really spoken to him since I’d come back. I couldn’t bring myself to, truthfully. I think a part of me blamed him for what had happened to Leigh, no matter how much I blamed myself for it. I’d made that very clear over the last few weeks, both on that day at the library and with my refusal to speak to him at the funeral, and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say now.
“I understand what you’re feeling, Emilie,” he suddenly said, as if he had read my mind.
“I… I…” I scrambled for a response.
“Truthfully, I do have to take some of the blame for everything that’s happened. Not just for what happened to Miss Silvemist, but for the whole attack itself…” I flinched a little at hearing Leigh’s name.
“What do you mean?”
“There aren’t a lot of people who know about the Arch Stone amongst the staff here. It is nowhere near common knowledge
that anyone here possesses such an item…”
“That can’t be your fault. Elijah Blake knows I’ve got the stone. That’s why he came, surely?”
“That’s not everything… Foxway’s defences are magically-reinforced. They’re powerful. You can’t even enter the school unless you’re recognised by the barrier. Not without being accompanied by someone else who is.”
There was an almost alien sense of disappointment in his voice. Of course, I knew what he was suggesting.
“So you think…”
“I think that someone in this school is working for the Syndicate. And what’s worse is that it could realistically be anyone. Staff. Student. Even the maintenance staff are able to get through the barrier…” Greyford sighed. “If you blame me for what happened, then you’re well within your rights to do so…”
“I don’t think that it’s your fault.” I shocked myself by saying that. “Leigh… She knew what could happen. She was perfectly aware that she could get hurt being a part of this, and she did it anyway… If anyone’s to blame, it’s me. I promised her that we’d all get out alive, and I wasn’t able to protect her. I’m the Guardian. That’s my responsibility,” I concluded. “As far as a spy… You can’t know everything all the time, professor. If someone let the Syndicate in, then they’re the one responsible. And if that’s true, then we’re going to find out who it is and I’m going to make them pay…” I clenched my fist.
Greyford sighed.
“I was surprised to see you come back, you know.”
I looked down at my still-clenched fist.
“I wasn’t going to… For a long time, I didn’t have any idea how I was supposed to come back here after everything that happened… But… But then…”
“Miss Blake, I assume?”
I nodded.
“Yeah…” I wasn’t sure what else I was supposed to say.
“Well, I’m glad you came back, Emilie. You’re a good student, and you’ve got a lot of potential,” he told me. “Anyway, I need to be going now. Good day, Miss George.” He turned and walked away, leaving me alone in the garden again.
I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to make of the whole conversation, all things considered. I’d been avoiding the professor like the plague since I’d come back, and now everything felt completely normal. I was surprised, to be honest. I’d spent a lot of time blaming him for what had happened, telling myself that I thought he was heartless and cold, but when it actually came to having a conversation with him I quickly found that I didn’t really have any reason to be angry at him. There was really only one person to genuinely be angry at, and that was Elijah Blake. I laughed a little as I made that conclusion, and carried on walking around the garden on my own.
*
I knocked on Matt’s door for what felt like the hundredth time in the last week.
“If that’s you again…” Matt called out.
“I just… I just wanted to say I was sorry...” I shouted through the door. I heard footsteps, and the door opened slowly. I walked through the door and looked around the room. It was a total mess, as usual. I don’t know if it was Leigh who kept the place tidy or if Matt just simply hadn’t bothered to do anything, but it definitely would have made Raven have a heart attack.
“I was talking to Raven yesterday… And she made me realize something. I’m not helping you by trying to keep pushing you back into coming back to school. I was just trying to help get things back to normal, and the whole ‘just do it’ thing worked for me… But it’s different with you. You’re a different person to me, and you’ve lost a lot more than I have… And I should have realised earlier that I wasn’t going to be able to help you by doing that,” I explained. “I… I’m just sorry…”
Matt stifled a laugh.
“Did you seriously come all the way here just for that?”
“I… I mean, yeah…”
“You don’t have to apologize, Emilie. I know you’ve been trying to help me. I… I haven’t been doing too great, and I guess I’ve been taking it out on you because you were there… But the truth is, you’re the one of the only people there for me,” he admitted. “No one else has come to check on me, not other than August… I shouldn’t be getting angry at you over anything. Let alone when you’re just trying to help me…”
I sat down next to him on the bed.
“You don’t need to apologize for anything. I just want to help, but I know I’ve been going about it wrong… I know I have…” I trailed off. “What I’m trying to say is… what do you need me to do? Because I don’t know how to help you…”
“I… I think I just need someone to be here…” he quietly replied. I cracked. I wasn’t expecting him to respond like that. I’d never seen him act so… the best word I could find was vulnerable. It was clear that Matt wasn’t anywhere near okay, and it was bringing all of the things I’d been struggling with back to the surface. I pushed back my tears and put my hand on Matt’s shoulder.
“Well… I’ll always be here for you… as long as you need me.”
Matt looked at me.
“Thank you… Emilie…” He smiled.
“It’s fine.” I stood up. “So, is there anything I can do now?”
Matt shook his head.
“You know, I think I’m okay right now…”
“Okay…” I smiled. “In that case, I’m gonna head off… I’ll see you later…” I started to walk towards the door.
“You know, I don’t think we’ve talked alone together since… Since that time in the library…”
“Yeah…”
“You know, I’d almost forgotten about that…”
“Same…” I lied. Of course I lied. I may have had more important things on my mind since I’d kissed Matt in the library, but I could never forget it. “Sorry about that, again…”
“It was months ago!” Matt laughed. “Besides, you’ve apologized for that enough,” he told me. “Though, to be honest, I really should apologize a bit for that too…” he admitted, not seeming to even register what he’d said. I stopped in my tracks. Again.
“What?” I asked as I walked back into the room. “Seriously, what do you mean?”
“I guess… I guess…” he stuttered.
“What?”
“I guess… I mean, a little… I think… I think I was kind of hoping something like that would happen…” he confessed. “Not anymore, I mean… I promise, not anymore… But I guess… things were weird… I don’t know… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you…”
I froze.
He’s lying… Why would he say that… he’s just playing with you… The voices argued.
“I… I…” I stuttered. “I’ve really got to go…” I hurried out of the door, closing it behind me before Matt had a chance to speak. I ran down the hallway, ignoring the other student spilling out of their rooms, watching me as I disappeared down the stairs and out of the dorm.
33
I sighed as I knocked on Raven’s door. Heading up to Umbra dorm had been my first thought after what had happened with Matt. The door opened a crack.
“Just give me a second.” I heard movement through the door for a moment, until the door opened again. “You looking for Raven?”
I nodded. I looked through into the room.
“She’s not here. I think she was talking to a teacher about something,” she explained. “Come in.” She stepped out of the way of the door, letting me in.
“Thanks…” I walked in and sat down on Raven’s bed.
“Is something wrong?” Mary asked. I shrugged. “That… normally means yes…” she decided. “Did something happen?”
“Kind of,” I replied. “It happened ages ago… and then something else happened to do with it just now.”
“Precise…” Mary remarked. “Anything too private? I’d like to help if I can.”
“I mean… It’s just…”
“Your face is bright red, you know,” Mary laughed. “Wait a second… I t
hink I know that face, actually… It’s about a guy, isn’t it?”
I slowly nodded. “And you were going to ask Fire-bird for help with it?” I nodded again. Mary burst out laughing.
“What?”
“Raven’s great, you know I think that. But you were going to ask her for relationship help? That’s hilarious!”
“You don’t have to laugh so much…” I mumbled.
Mary shook her head, smiling.
“Sorry, it just caught me off-guard a little… Raven isn’t exactly the best for that kind of experience” she admitted. “Anyway, right, back to your problem…” She straightened herself up. “So, what did Silvemist say?” she asked, narrowing her eyes.
“How did you know it was Matt?!” I questioned.
“I mean, come on, it’s a little obvious, isn’t it?” Mary answered. “Though I don’t know, maybe Flamel…” Her train of thought carried her off.
“August?” I questioned. “Wait, with Matt or me?” Mary just shrugged. “That’s not an answer…”
“Anyway, so Matt Silvemist. What happened with you two then?” Mary asked.
“Months ago… Like, just after the accident at the lake… I was hiding in the library, and he came to find me, and, well, I…”
“Right, I got you.” Mary cut me off. “And then?”
“We were talking just now, just about things… I brought it up, just as a joke, and he said that he’d been hoping something like that would happen.”
Mary clapped her hands together and stood up.
“Well, that’s definitely an interesting situation.” She seemed to be enjoying herself. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing, but it wasn’t like I was going to get any useful help off of anyone else.
“So, what do I do?”
“I don’t really see what there is to do anything about…”
“What if he still…”
“What if he still feels like that?”
“Yeah…”
“You didn’t think to ask him that?”
“I mean, I was a little shocked… I just kind of left…”
The Arch Stone: Foxway Academy: Book 1 Page 22
