Crushing

by Kelly Kay

  There’s no response. I wipe the tears from my eyes, glad Josh isn’t here to see it, but a little sad he’s not here to catch my tears again. “Wine’s done its job tonight and turned me into a sappy mess. I’m going to go to bed. Goodnight.”

  I hang up quickly, slightly embarrassed. I head upstairs with a full glass in hand. I don’t even know why I just shared that. I’ve never done anything like that before.

  In business and relationships, you want to screw me in any way possible, that’s fine. Just don’t ask anything personal. I don’t share. Fuck. I’ve never even told Evan about Bali, and he’s the closest thing I have to a best friend. I have lots of people that I hang out with, but even they don’t know my path.

  My phone rings as I turn down the hall to my room. I pick up, and he starts talking.

  “I’m confused, Elle. You want to take someone back to the place you tried to bury your pain?”

  I roll my eyes at how persistent he is. “Please hold while I get my jammies on.”

  “Did you just say jammies, like you’re a six-year-old?”

  “Yes. Jammies.”

  His voice gets that raspy wanton tone to it. “I can’t help but recognize you’re probably naked right now. And by coincidence, so am I. Just saying. It would be so much easier to hear you rather than imagine that moan again tonight.”

  “Oh my. We’ve covered this.” I hear a big roar of laughter as I put my phone on the bed. I remove my wrap dress and climb into my favorite LC/W yoga pants. I take a picture of my ass with no shirt on and text him. Just to mess with him. It is a good ass.

  “Did you just text me? Oh shit. That is not fair. You want a picture of mine?”

  “No, I have a good memory.” I grin at the thought of his gorgeous dick and ass.

  He jokes, “Can I use this?”

  “NO!”

  “Too late.”

  “Don’t, Josh. Take your hand off your dick right now. I’ll send you something better.” I can’t stop flirting with him tonight. I have no power to stop.

  He growls at me. “There’s nothing better than those yoga pants.”

  I send a picture of the Halston. The dream outfit of my lifetime. I didn’t send him one before now because it felt too personal. Like I was showing off for a boyfriend. He knew how to make me feel stunning and confident. He thought about how my body would look in certain clothes. Color, cut, shoes all of it, he envisioned it all for me.

  Then he chortles. “Never mind, you were correct. I don’t need the yoga pants ever again. Holy shit, beautiful.”

  “Me or the dress?”

  “You. You are breathtaking. So utterly splendid. Heart-stopping stunning. So confident and strong. All of you striking.”

  “Please stop. Thank you for it. It’s the most amazing thing I’ll probably ever wear. I do love it so.”

  He keeps up his reverent tone of voice, “Won’t stop complimenting you. That’s one of my new favorite past times. That dress was made for you. It’s perfect. You look so elegant and just kick-ass cool.”

  “I kept the Dolce Gabbana even if it looks like crap in comparison.”

  “It’s hard to imagine you looking like crap in anything.”

  I laugh again to try and break up his compliments. “Josh, listen up.”

  “You have my full attention. Trust me.”

  “Bali. I want to make the most beautiful place I’ve ever been whole again. I don’t want to be sad thinking about those stunning beaches and amazing people who took care of me at my lowest moments and all of that delicious food. I’d take the person that finally made me feel not so alone in the world. He gets to go, no one else. But I’m paying for everything.”

  “I hope you find him. Just out of curiosity. Why was your pleasure limited to twenty-minute intervals?”

  “Sex. It’s average.”

  “Amateurs. That’s a lack of discipline right there. I’m just saying from personal experience.”

  “Oh, that’s right. You could go pro, you know.”

  “You’re just remembering we had mind fucking blowing sex for hours on end? I can still describe what you taste like. It’s like it’s on the tip of my tongue. You do remember that part? The tip of my tongue and your face riding it?”

  I roll my eyes at his crassness, but it’s turning me on. I like it. It just comes out of my mouth. “It’s hard to forget when you replay things so often in your mind.”

  I shouldn’t have said that. But I’m wet thinking about that night and currently wine-soaked. I should be angry when he says things like that. Instead of getting mad, I’m going to have to get off the phone with him, so I can get off to thinking about him.

  I make an excuse to get off the phone. “I have to go. I’m saying all the things.”

  He’s quick to respond. “I like those things.”

  “They are drunk things.” I need to get a grip on myself before I begin to believe and hope that he’s actually something.

  He sighs. “Sweet dreams.”

  “Night, Suit.”

  Then he says the words that put me to sleep most nights lately. “Until tomorrow, Cosmo.”

  I barely hang up before my hand is between my legs, flicking and swirling as I slide two fingers inside slick from memories of his tongue. I moan his moan as I begin to build my orgasm. I think about him throwing me against the shower wall and fucking me so hard I couldn’t speak. I think about the dirty words that came out of his mouth and how deep down I want him to tell me what to do. I can’t explain it, but my body isn’t listening to my mind when it comes to him. My nipples are hard as I stretch, gasp, and then I shudder. I come hard but not as hard as he can make me. I wonder if he’s doing the same. Shit. I think I miss him.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Josh

  I drive the Jeep up midday on Friday. I’d taken it back to Santa Barbara, and it belongs back up there. I like the long drive. It clears my head, and I can feel the switch from work to home happen as the familiar roads twist and turn into Sonoma.

  We missed our calls for the last couple of days. I’ve been immersed in closing this insane deal for this persistent and insistent Sally Pipes. He's the one I’d like to ditch. I’m not sure how to get out of this sensitive situation. I’ll talk to him when I get back about backing off his business a bit. We had dinner the other night, and it was a good time, but we didn’t really talk business.

  This week has been nights at the office asleep on my couch and my personal phone off. I warned Elle that I’d be unreachable for most of this week. She called it lockdown mode and totally understood. I left her a good luck text from the work phone about the stuff in Austin, but there’s been no answer.

  When I couldn’t sleep last night, I looked up the event online on her Instagram. It looks like it was insanely cool. She convinced the company to create a six-foot candle that smells like Austin to burn out in front of the store. Not sure how she convinced the city to let her do it, but she did. She told me that she was working on a limited-edition cross-promotion between Homesick and Sonoma County Visitors Bureau creating candles based on varietals. She’s really good at her job.

  I cyber-stalk her from time to time, but she doesn’t seem to post much. People post more about her on the winery profiles than her own company. And fucking Asher displays any time he’s with her. He keeps bringing buyers to the table so she keeps meeting with him. And he’s done some events for her. Of course, he posts all the fucking time like he’s a twenty-year-old. How can someone so unscrupulous in his work and word get away with a happy-go-lucky Instagram account? I loathe him. He posted a really hot picture of Elle about a week ago, and it fucking twists my insides to know he touches her. He blew his shot with her. Thank god. I scoured social media, but no one else has posted about her in two days. She’s all I can think of as I skid up the familiar, gravel winery driveway.

  I’m slipping into town to grab a beer or two, celebrate my mom, and then I need to get right back to Santa Barbara and the firm. It’s f
or the best she’s not here. I’ve been fucking dominating at work lately. It would be too much of a distraction. No one can touch me at that office, and they’ll crumble without me. I’m the only one who makes that much money in one fucking day. Pussies. All hail the conqueror.

  I’m making it right on time for Mom’s birthday party that she didn’t want. Dad always insists we celebrate everything. I haven’t been to her birthday party in years. But it’s usually a lot of the earthy-crunchy yoga pottery set that attends. Should be a patchouli sandalwood smell fest but it will be nice to see the folks.

  I enter the house through the kitchen door, and the smell is indeed overwhelming, and I might puke. Not sure what it is about this kitchen that gives me a weak stomach. My father is giving his annual toast which always includes a new poem about Mom. It’s the sappiest thing in the world. I move quietly into the house so as to not disturb anyone. And then there’s a whiff, just a hint of lilacs and orange blossoms and my dick wakes up. It’s like it’s got Spidey senses when I smell her. She must have left a scarf here or something. Fuck, I must maintain. And then I see a flip of a blonde shoulder-length hair in the small crowd in front of me in the living room. My dick outright pushes forward like it wants to say hello to her first. I want to smack that ass so fucking badly. I’m so excited she’s here.

  I walk up behind her, staring at her tight black capri pants and hot pink cold shoulder silk shirt. I want to eat her shoulders. I take a picture of her ass and text it to her. I see her instantly open the text that I sent from behind her. And she doesn’t react but texts back.

  ELLE: Stalker

  I grin widely at this cheeky girl. I stand directly behind her, and she backs up into me. That’s right, give me that ass, sweet girl. I can see her chest begin to flush as I look down over her head. At six-foot-three, I tower above her by almost a foot. The view is spectacular as I discover her nipples seem happy to see me. She reaches back and squeezes my hand as we continue watching my father fete my mother for her birthday. She doesn’t pull away, so I don’t let go. I don’t know what any of this means. Our DL hand-holding seems forbidden and that makes it hotter. Maybe it means nothing, or maybe I finally get to see my handprint on her luscious ass and perhaps we can find another bed to break. I wish she’d stop listening to her head and listen to her body that’s clearly responding to me. I also don’t know if she found out I was coming and canceled her trip.

  She sneaks a look at me over her shoulder with a tiny little smirk. Fuck me. I’m done. I’m done pretending I don’t want her. That I can’t have her. I will have her. I want to throw her down here in front of everyone, fuck her raw to show everyone in here and prove to her that’s she’s mine. I don’t ever feel like this. Hell, I was engaged and didn’t feel this connected or drawn to my fiancée. Noelle Parker, you are my undoing.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Elle

  I felt him before his text. I knew it was him behind me. He has a presence and a heat. It’s like we exist on the same wavelength. When his cedar scent overtook over my senses, my nipples instantly pebbled in my silk shirt. He’s so tall and commanding behind me, and I want to melt backward. Instead, I sip my wine and let go of his left hand. He shifts, and his right hand finds its way to my hip. He pulls me to him. I struggle to keep my knees from buckling at our close contact. My chest blushes red with lust, and my panties instantly flood. I look over my left shoulder again and part my lips. He bends down to give me his ear. It’s been five weeks since we’ve been in the same room and four days since we’ve spoken. I whisper something true.

  “I missed you.”

  I hear his breath catch. His hand curls tighter around my hips as he pulls me closer. “I missed you too, beautiful.”

  I’m instantly aglow, and my stomach flips. I didn’t want to ask Will if he was coming, possibly ruining a surprise for Sarah. All I know is Will asked me to postpone my New York trip until next week, and I did. Because of schedules, we haven’t talked in days, and I felt the impact of that every night. I didn’t realize he made me feel safe.

  It’s been so long since I had someone to share my day with and I forgot how nice it is to not feel alone. I’ve made it my mission to not let anyone get too close because I never want to go through the pain of losing them. That pain is too intense. Everyone knows me to a point. And then the damn Whittiers happened.

  First Sarah and Will accepted me into their hearts and home before I realized what was happening. And then there’s this one. This fucking Whittier who might be more than I initially thought. Well, initially I thought he was an Adonis with a golden cock. I only wish I could trust him. I don’t know if I can rely on him, and since I’m an expert at relying on only myself, it’s a hard habit to break. I couldn’t bear to be left.

  We all clap as Will finishes his speech. Josh’s hand leaves my hip and the warmth that was filling me recedes with it. I turn to him, and his eyes are adoring, and his mouth is upturned on the left. He embraces me in a giant protective hug. I melt into him. He kisses the top of my head and picks me up off the ground. I kiss his neck with my arms around him.

  “What are you doing here?” I squeak out.

  “You know it’s my mom’s birthday. What are you doing here?”

  “I went to Austin and came right back. New York week after next.”

  He takes me in his arms again. I wrap around him in a hug that seems more familiar than we should be in front of these people. No one knows we’ve been talking every day. Most of them think we still hate each other. But I don’t even care how they perceive it.

  Will approaches and says, “I’m thrilled you’re here, son. And that the two of you aren’t scratching each other’s eyes out.” He winks at me and I think he knows. Josh isn’t all that subtle, and it’s not like I wasn’t just in his arms.

  Will hugs Josh heartily then puts his hand on my shoulder. “Are you mad I didn’t tell you he was coming?” Will winces.

  I pretend to be annoyed. “In the future, I’d like a little heads up so I can put on my armor in anticipation.” Josh’s laugh booms through the room, and his mother’s head turns at the sound. She’s at the far end of the house surrounded by her friends.

  “Josh!” She rushes over into his arms. “You haven’t been to a birthday party in a while. Come say hello to Theresa, Tina, and Goldie.” And she whisks him into the party leaving me alone with Will.

  Will moves the cake knife away from me. “Don’t cut him.”

  “I won’t. We’re in a good place. I’m not ready to flip a table today. Can’t promise Josh won’t piss me off tomorrow but tonight, you’re safe from a scene.”

  “Good. Because you’re scary when you’re pissed.”

  I wink at Will. “Only when I’m pissed at him.”

  “Interesting. Very interesting.” Will jokes with me and raises his eyebrow.

  “What is?” says Samantha, one of the newest tasting room hosts. She butts into our conversation. She’s funny, and I like her a lot.

  “I was just assuring Will that I wasn’t going to cause a scene because his son is here.”

  Will says, “Hey there, Samantha. That’s Josh right over there with his mother.”

  “It’s Sam.”

  “Sam. Of course. Have a good time.”

  Will nods and walks away. She leans into me, staring at Josh. We’re both looking at him. “Well, oh my damn. That’s delicious. I mean, why not cause a scene. That much of a mountain of a man deserves to be climbed.”

  Suddenly I want to rip this woman’s face off. My mountain. Don’t you fucking climb him. Oh shit. I’m jealous. I say nothing, but I’m white-knuckling my wine glass, and she laughs at me.

  “No worries. I prefer someone more rugged. Maybe a little more meat. He’s a bit extra. Too pretty. Nice to look at though. I prefer a good beard and flannel.”

  “You like your men a bit more mountain man than a mountain of a man?”

  “Exactly. And you?”

  I try to bluff. “I’m
not sure.”

  “Oh shit. I don’t know you very well, but you can’t even fool a stranger. You’re hot for that man. Also, your chest and cheeks are flushed fire engine red when you look at him. Undies wet too?”

  Fucking Irish skin.

  I had the best time with Sam. She may be the first real friend I’ve made since college. I didn’t try to impress her, and I didn’t lie to her or skirt the truth. She’s kind of awesome. But my entire night was a series of check-ins with this man and an unspoken agreement that there’d be a moment for just us later. We would get each other drinks and touch elbows and backs. His hand sears my flesh with each innocent touch.

  Everyone finally leaves around one. I’m doing some dishes with Will drying. Josh is changing out of his suit and putting his mom to bed. She probably won’t be able to do much of anything tomorrow. Usually, if Sarah has a long hard day, the next one is just rest. I’ve loaded her with Netflix and Amazon suggestions, so she stays in bed tomorrow to get back her strength. The new meds are kicking her ass. But the disease seems to be stalled, according to her doctors. There’s no cure so it’s simply a reprieve for now.

  Will heads upstairs after bidding me goodnight. Within seconds of Will turning upstairs, Josh is at my back. His hands are on my bare shoulders and his fingers caressing circles. He leans to my neck, and his lips graze it. Too much. My skin prickles, and my head is light. He’s too much.

  I exhale as I say, “Porch?”

  “Farmhouse porch? Is that where you take my calls?”

  “Most nights, listening to the land and looking at the stars. There are no stars in Manhattan. It’s a magical place, but no stars.” I don’t turn around. If I do, I'll be in his arms. That can only lead to chaos and I’m not a fan of chaos.

  “Come with me. Bring your bottle.”

  He grabs his wine, and I grab mine. We go outside, and he takes me down through the parking lot towards the tasting room. He guides me through the darkness with a hand on my back that’s a little lower towards my ass, but somehow I don’t mind him copping a feel tonight.