Heels

by Megan Erickson

  Do you trust him, Sam? Do you really?

  What if? What if? What if?

  “Baby, I’m not mad at you. It’s okay you cried. But I’m not stupid, and unless I’m reading this entire night wrong, then you’re crying because of a conversation you had with your sister about me. And that’s okay too. But I can’t fix anything unless you tell me.”

  I opened my eyes a crack to see his eyes steady on me, wide lips pressed firmly together. No hint of a smile. He swallowed. “Unless you don’t want to fix something. Unless you changed your mind. And then you need to tell me that too.”

  In my mind, I saw Bryan leaving my house with a bag, getting into his truck, and driving away without looking back. And just that image ignited my frozen muscles. I lunged at him, driving him back until his back hit the ottoman behind him. I was climbing his tall, lean body, my hands scrabbling for purchase on his shoulders, my mouth searching for his, and he didn’t make me wait. He didn’t question a damn thing. He wrapped those strong arms around me and pushed me back. I was up in his arm, legs dangling, until my butt hit the counter. Bryan stepped between my legs, as he tugged off my shirt. After tossing it to the side, he yanked down the cups of my bra and pinched my hard nipples. I arched into his touch, the kiss turning wet and messy. There was no finesse, nothing fancy as he opened his jeans with one hand and tugged down his zipper.

  In seconds he’d torn my panties down my legs and thrust inside of me. I cried out, gripping his hair tightly, hanging on as best as I could with my legs around his waist as he braced himself with one hand on the counter and drove into me again, and again, and again.

  His shoved his face into my neck, and his hot breaths coated my hot skin. His mouth opened on my shoulder, his grunts filling the air.

  “Didn’t think I’d have this again,” he mumbled. “On my knees, staring down a bullet, and all I could think was that I failed the most important women in my life. That I’d never get back here, in your house, in your bed. In fucking heaven.”

  “Bryan,” I bucked against him, rubbing my butt raw on the counter. “Shut up.”

  “Nah,” he said. “Never shutting up. Never fucking this up. I need this, and you, and I want you to need me too. I want you in this with me.”

  I pressed him to me, as I felt the orgasm start to swell in my core. “I need you. I’m in it with you.”

  He knocked our foreheads together. “Yeah?”

  I gripped his face, fingers sliding through the sweat at his temples. “Yeah.”

  His nostrils flared, and he grunted out as his hips stuttered. “I fucking love you, Peaches.”

  I came like a rocket, the heat bolting through me at the feel of his cock and sound of his words. I couldn’t speak for several long moments, not as Bryan emptied himself into me, not as my body went to jelly. Until finally, I mouthed the words against the side of his damp neck. “I love you too, Bryan Drayer.”

  His whole body slumped against me, like my words gave him permission to let go, to exhale fully. He slid his hand up my back, to the back of my head. He held me firm, pressing a kiss by my ear. “You’re precious to me. Never forget that.”

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  He heaved a sigh, then helped me off the counter. I wobbled on unsteady legs, but he kept me upright. “Go on to bed. I’ll clean up.”

  “You can just leave it for tomorrow,” I said.

  He shook his head. “Nah, I’ll do it. Go on.”

  There was so much I wanted to say. “I’m not going to fall asleep yet.”

  He smiled faintly. “Don’t want you to. Things we gotta talk about, right?”

  “Yes, please.”

  He stepped around me and began to rinse the dishes in the sink. “Thought so. So go on up and get ready, figure out your words, and then we’ll talk.”

  I ran my hand down his bicep, and he stilled. “Thank you.” My voice shook from what we’d just did and the feelings we’d shared. He was affected too, because his skin was flush with goosebumps beneath my fingertips.

  He didn’t say anything else, so I left the kitchen.

  By the time he entered the bedroom, I was in bed in my pajamas, face washed, teeth brushed, but not at all tired.

  Bryan stripped by the bed and slid under the cover, facing me. He brushed my hair off my face. “Can I say something first?”

  “Of course.”

  “I’m not sure I took the words ‘I love you’ seriously. Ever. I didn’t say it to anyone but family but there wasn’t this strong reason or anything. I thought they were just words. They didn’t change shit. Now that I said them to you, they kind of feel like they change everything, don’t they?”

  “They change a lot if you mean them,” I said.

  “I do.”

  “Yeah, me too. And I think… once you admit you fell in love, then you’re in. You’re not standing at the edge of the cliff anymore. You’ve jumped. So you don’t know where or when you’ll land. And falling out of love? It’s like climbing back up that cliff. It’s fucking effort. It hurts, and it’s exhausting.”

  He slipped his fingers between mine and shifted closer. “Did you love Tim?”

  “I did. And I fought every fucking inch to get myself back up to the top of the cliff so I could live my life.”

  “And now?”

  “I jumped again,” I whispered. “Head first this time.” The tears were gathering, and I didn’t want them too. “It’s scary, and that’s what Rena and I were talking about. Am I wrong for taking you back? For believing the words you tell me?”

  He squeezed my fingers. “I want to say that we’re both crazy. That you’re nuts for taking me back and I’m nuts for coming back, but I can’t when this feels so right. So no, I don’t think you’re wrong. It means you’re you. All of this is what drew me to you in the first place. Like I knew you’d be the only one who would understand me. And I’d be the only man who’d treat you with respect.”

  A tear dripped across the bridge of my nose. “But you lied.”

  He watched it fall to the pillow beneath my head. “I lied about inconsequential things like my past. I never lied about how I felt about you.”

  “But your past matters. It shapes who you are. Can you truly have told me the truth when you were holding some of yourself back?”

  He didn’t answer for a while, but I could see the gears working behind his eyes. He didn’t answer me with some charming quip. He was turning my words over in his brain. He rolled over onto his back and scratched his forehead as he stared at the ceiling. “You know, I thought a lot about that while I was gone. How much I kept from you and how…morally wrong that was. Never thought much of morals or ethics before, but you made me think about them.”

  “And did you come to a conclusion?”

  He didn’t take his eyes off the ceiling. “No. All I know is that when I’m with you, my past doesn’t seem to matter as much. Instead of walking with this long black shadow behind me, all I see how is this long stretch of light in front of me. It’s a totally different mindset.”

  “Do you think it’s possible for people to change? To start over?”

  “I hadn’t thought it was possible before but now, I think yes. Don’t we all start over in little ways in our lives all the time? New job. Marriage. Babies. I look back on some of the things I’ve done and the person I was and I can say that right now, as the person I am laying in bed with you, I see that other Bryan as a different version of me.”

  “A different version, but he’s still you.”

  He was quiet for a moment, then rolled his head to face me. “Maybe…I’m trying too hard to leave him behind. Maybe I want more than anything to be someone else. For you. For the baby.”

  I touched his cheek, his stubble rough on my palm. “You don’t have to be someone else. Just be the best Bryan Drayer you can be and that’s enough.”

  He smiled at that, and placed his hand over mine. “What about you? Do you think you’ve been different versions of yourself?”
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br />   Now that he’d turned it on me, I couldn’t deny that yes, I had been. When I thought back to who I was in high school, that Samantha seemed like a different person. I drifted closer to Bryan, so that our noses were almost touching. “I think about the woman I was when I was with Tim, and I do understand what you’re saying. Because now, in bed with you, I don’t understand why that Samantha didn’t have the strength to leave earlier. He nearly destroyed me and I let him. I was so passive.”

  His eyes fired. “That’s abuse, Peaches. You can’t blame yourself.”

  “No, I know that. But now that I’m out of the situation, I don’t really understand that Samantha.” He opened his mouth, but I cut him off. “And,” I continued. “I have this fear that I’m letting history repeat itself. That I let another man tell me lies.”

  “Who do you think you are? At your core?”

  “I think…I think I’m all heart.”

  He smiled and pressed a hand over my chest, right over my heart. “Yes. Exactly.”

  “I think that I want to believe that there is good in people. Who do you think you are at your core?”

  His smile faded and his hand dropped to the bed. He sighed and looked to the ceiling then, like the answer was in the swirls of plaster. Finally he said quietly. “I think I’m still figuring it out.”

  I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes, appreciating the steady beat of his heart, and fell asleep.

  Seventeen

  When Bryan entered the library with a massive grin on his face, and a bag smelling of The Cardinal from Greta’s, I greeted him with, “Thanks. So what do you want?”

  He waved to Verne. “Heya, Verne.”

  Verne pursed his lips, but gave in like he always did. “Hello, Bryan.”

  I gave Verne a smile from where we both sat at the front desk. The old man was never going to be a member of Bryan’s fan club, but Verne saw how happy he made me, so he tolerated Bryan. Okay, maybe I asked him to be nice and threw in some brownie incentives.

  “So?” I raised an eyebrow.

  “How do you know I want something?” Bryan leaned on the counter, still grinning.

  “I can tell. That’s your, ‘I need a favor smile.’”

  Bryan laughed uproariously. Several customers whirled to face the desk in alarm, and I had to shush him. “Seriously? It’s a library.”

  “Yeah, sorry. Forgot.” He popped a mint in his mouth from the bowl I kept at my desk. “Anyway it’s not really a favor, but it’s something I want you to do.”

  I stood up and began to walk toward the lunch room. “I’ll just be a minute, Verne.”

  “Take your time,” he called after me.

  Bryan’s footsteps followed me through the door into the privacy of the lunch room. I sat at the table and unwrapped my sandwich. “So?”

  He sprawled on the chair across from me, elbow propped on the table, running his fingers over his lips. “I want us to go visit my sister. In North Carolina.”

  My hands stilled their movements. I looked up at him slowly. “You think… you think that’s a favor?”

  He dropped his hand to the table and clicked his nail on the surface. His thigh was jiggling. I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen Bryan this nervous. “Well, I guess. Yeah. We gotta drive, and she’s gonna fire off a million questions and…”

  “Bryan, I’d love nothing more than to meet your sister. I was giving you time to bring it up, but it’s been on my mind. I wanted to meet her before the baby.”

  His leg stopped shaking. “Really?”

  “Yes, really.”

  “Oh.” He looked down at the table. “Okay then.”

  “Why are you so nervous about this?”

  He shrugged.

  “Are you worried she won’t like me?”

  He jerked up his head and frowned. “No. Not at all. She’ll fucking love you.”

  “So what are you worried about?”

  “I don’t know. It means a lot for you two to meet. Tara can be… a lot. I want you two to like each other.”

  “I’ll like her, Bryan. I know I will.”

  He didn’t look convinced. “I think she’s the fucking best, but I guess I’m just nervous. The two most important women in my life.”

  “It’ll be fine. Just make sure there’s a bathroom nearby and some snacks for me. Also, air conditioning. That’s all I need.”

  He laughed. “All right, so I’ll call her. Set up something.”

  “You do that. And while you didn’t have to bribe me to get me to agree to drive to North Carolina to see her, I’m very much going to enjoy this sandwich.” I took a bit and moaned.

  “Ah, it’s worth it to see you have an orgasm over a sandwich.”

  I threw the balled-up wrapper at him with a laugh.

  It was another three months before we had a chance to drive down to North Carolina to visit Tara and her boyfriend, Lance.

  By then, it looked like I was smuggling a beach ball under my shirt, and while the south was still hot in the fall—it was the south—it wasn’t blistering. Bryan helped me out of the car, which was appreciated, but made me feel like even more of a whale. I didn’t even want to know what the coming months would be like.

  The front door of the small house swung open and out flew a woman, running at full speed. Bryan dropped my hand and stepped forward, which was wise, because she wasn’t stopping. She slammed into him, and he caught her mid-air, his hands wrapped tightly around her back while she clung to him with all four limbs like a monkey.

  He shoved his face in her neck, but I heard his deep voice rumble gentle words, while she spoke softly in return. And I was sure it was the hormones, but seeing the two siblings reconnect had my eyes welling with tears.

  I glanced up to see a man standing on the front porch, leaning against the column of the porch. He wore a baseball hat low over his eyes, but he nodded at me, his lips turning up slightly into a smile. I nodded back, and waved like a goober, because I wasn’t really sure what to do with my hands.

  “You weren’t fucking kidding!” I heard screeched and then she was there in front of me—Tara Drayer—wearing a tight, low-cut tank top, a pair of jeans, and worn boots. She didn’t hesitate to take me in, starting at my face, traveling down over my maternity sundress, to my kitten heel sandals—the highest I dared to wear while carrying the extra weight.

  Bryan was at my side in an instant, wrapping an arm around my waist. “Sam, this is my sister. Tara, this is the love of my life.”

  Now I really was going to cry.

  “I can’t tell you how excited I am to meet you,” Tara said, flipping her long dark hair over her shoulder. “And please don’t take this the wrong way but goddamn, Bryan, she looks like an elementary school teacher.”

  I cleared my throat. “No offense taken. And I am a librarian.”

  Tara blinked at me. “Come again?”

  “I’m a librarian.”

  For a moment, Tara didn’t react, then she threw back her head and roared with laughter. She looked over her shoulder. “Lance. Get this. A fucking librarian named Samantha. What’re the odds?”

  “Quit making her nervous.” The man said in a quiet voice full of warmth.

  “I’m not making her nervous.” She eyed me. “Am I?”

  I shook my head. “No, I’m not nervous.”

  “What’s so funny about a librarian named Samantha?” Bryan asked.

  Tara waved a hand. “When I was being stupid once, I told Lance to leave me and find someone nice, like a librarian named Samantha.”

  Lance jogged down the front porch steps and stopped next to Tara. He was an attractive man with dark eyes. He seemed quiet, and a bit reserved, but his features were kind. “I’m Lance. Nice to meet you. Congrats on the expanding family.”

  “Thank you.”

  He extended his hand to Bryan, and the two shook with an odd look shared between them.

  “I feel like I messed up this first impression.” Tara wrung her hands. “I was nerv
ous and excited. Even though Bryan said you were pregnant, it was still a shock to, you know, see the belly.” She wrinkled her nose and turned to Lance. “See? That was a stupid thing to say, wasn’t it?”

  I reached for her hand, and clasped it between mine. “It’s okay, really. It makes me feel better knowing you’re nervous because I am too. You didn’t mess anything up.”

  Tara heaved a breath. “Okay, let’s start over. I’m Tara. Bryan’s my big brother and although we’ve had our moments, I love him. I’m so happy for you and him. I…” her voice faltered a bit and she squeezed my hands. “Actually what I was going to say is probably a bit much for the first meeting on our lawn. We didn’t even make it in the house yet.”

  “Yeah how about we wait a little for whatever truth you’re going to vomit up about me,” Bryan said, pushing her shoulder.

  She dropped my hands and cocked a hip out. “Oh I’m going to spill ev-ree-thang.”

  “Thrilling,” Bryan muttered. “Can we work our way inside the house now? I’m sure Sam doesn’t want to stand out here in this heat.”

  “I’m okay,” I said.

  Tara took my hand and led me toward the house ahead of the guys. “Sorry about that. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “Really, I’m okay.”

  “How was the drive?”

  “Lot of stops to pee. And Bryan didn’t trust any gas stations so he’d stand outside the women’s room like a creeper waiting for me.”

  Tara laughed. “That’s my brother.”

  “I see now what this weekend is going to be like,” Bryan said.

  “We can always hide in my garage workroom,” Lance said to Bryan. “I have a fridge in there stocked with beer.”

  “Is there a bed? Can I sleep there?”

  “No bed.”

  “Damn.”

  Tara shot a glare at both of the men before we entered the house, and they fell silent. She turned back to me with a grin and a smile. A Drayer grin. I liked her already. Two giant balls of fur halted our retreat into the house, following by loud barking. I was introduced to Bax, a giant mastiff, and Beauty, a pretty keeshond. Bryan seemed especially interested in the dogs, and I wondered if he wanted a pet.