(Once) Again

by Theresa Paolo

  “You’re not eating that.”

  “And why not?”

  “First off, this crap is worse than the stuff they tried feeding me at the hospital. Second, there is not one ounce of healthy nutrients in this.”

  She planted her hands on her curves. “First of all, it’s cheap. Second of all, this coming from the guy who thought dipping his cheese fries in ketchup was healthy.”

  “What? Ketchup is made from tomatoes. Tomatoes are healthy.”

  Her lips parted and her eyes narrowed. I arched an eyebrow at her and she answered with a roll of her eyes.

  “I’m going to need to eat too. Why don’t we stop after my appointment?”

  Kat lifted her hand to her temple and took a deep breath. “I can’t.” She balled a fist into her hair again, pulling it tight. “I can’t afford it.”

  Money had always been an issue for Kat. I wondered if she still worked to help pay the bills. When her mom started treatments, she couldn’t work, and her dad died years before, so it was up to Kat.

  “Lucky for you, I’m old-fashioned and would never let you pay.”

  Her body went rigid, hands tightening on the basket. “I don’t want you buying me dinner.”

  “Why? It’s not like I haven’t before.”

  Her head tilted, and she let out an annoyed sigh. “That was different.”

  I leaned towards her until I was engulfed by her sweet scent. “Was it?”

  “Yes, it was.”

  “Why?”

  “Forget it.” She moved away and grabbed a word search book out of her bag. I called that one. She made a show of turning to a clean page and sliding her pen off the back cover.

  I placed my hand on her shoulder and bent down to her ear. “Why?”

  Her shoulders stiffened. “We aren’t together,” she spat and stepped away.

  “I never said we were. I’m hungry. You’re hungry. I don’t see a problem here.”

  Her arm dropped and the book smacked against her thigh. “I’m not dressed.”

  “Really? Because if you were naked, I’m sure I would’ve noticed.”

  She rolled her eyes again. “I’m not dressed to go out. I look like a mess.”

  I positioned myself in front of her, leaning forward on my crutch so I could place my finger under her chin. “You look beautiful.”

  The corner of her lips tugged, and I could see her trying to fight off the smile. She let out a puff of air. “Fine.”

  “Was that so hard?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow and staring at her with a stupid smirk.

  An annoyed laugh slipped from her lips, and she shook her head, sucking in her bottom lip.

  “Say it. Come on. I need to hear you say it.”

  “Extremely,” she said with a smile.

  Chapter 5

  I was an idiot to think I’d be able to get Kat to talk to me over dinner at Felice’s. Every time I tried to steer the conversation towards her and the last two years, she closed up. I hated that she couldn’t talk to me anymore. I used to be her venting board. The one person she confided in about everything.

  Yet as I forked the last piece of steak into my mouth I couldn’t get her to talk about anything other than the weather and food.

  “Have you been to any more concerts?” I asked.

  Kat ran her hand up and down her arm then picked up her fork and stabbed at her food. “This chicken is really good,” she said for the fifth time.

  The girl was impossible. “I’ll take that as a no. Are you still in school?” I asked, hoping I would hit a subject she’d be willing to share with me to put an end to my misery, and bring back my Kat.

  Not a single feature on her face budged. I was beginning to think she moonlighted as a world-class poker player. “There’s a spice in here.” She pointed her knife at the chicken. “I just can’t seem to pinpoint it.”

  My eyes traveled down the lines of her jaw to the curve of her neck, lingering on her scar.

  “What happened to your neck?”

  Her hand flew to the spot just above her shoulder. For a second, she went still, but quickly recovered, taking a sip of her drink then eating another piece of chicken.

  Nothing was working. I had to think of the one thing she always had something to say about. Then it hit me. “How’s your mom doing?”

  “Do you want to try some? It’s . . .”

  “Really good. I know,” I snapped, and Kat leaned back in her chair, her fork hovering just over her plate. She stared at the mashed potatoes as if she wished she could dive into them and disappear.

  I gave up. If she wasn’t interested in talking to me then I wasn’t interested in getting her to open up.

  The waitress dropped the bill on the table, and I put down thirty bucks and grabbed my crutches. “Ready?” I asked, but didn’t wait for her to answer. I hobbled away, not even looking behind me to see if she was following.

  I waited by the car. If I weren’t on the stupid crutches I would’ve walked home. Hell, I would’ve run home.

  The girl was good at dodging questions. Babbling about her food and the weather, silly ways to get out of every single question I threw at her. God, she was as infuriating as she was beautiful.

  If she’d only let me in. Talk to me. I knew I’d be able to change her mind about us. But how do you make a person open up when she doesn’t want to?

  I heard her footsteps and decided it was time to just let it go. She was my aide and nothing more. Three days with her and I’d let the line blur. But she wasn’t ready or willing to give us another shot, no matter how much I wanted it.

  The past was great, but like she said, that’s all it was—the past. It was time to leave it there. Move on. She clearly had. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell.

  “Who are you calling?” she asked just as I was about to hit call.

  “My sister’s boyfriend. I’ll have him pick me up. You can go home.” Her lips parted, and her face turned to stone.

  You’d think I hauled off and knocked the wind out of her. I didn’t care. I was done pretending I didn’t notice every time she changed the subject. Besides, she was the one who ended things. So why was I so intent on filling in the gaps the last two years created?

  “And talk to your manager, see if you can switch. I hate seeing you every day when it’s obvious you want to be anywhere else.”

  I expected her to get in her car and drive away, never look back. So when she balled her hand into her hair and stepped towards me, I nearly collapsed in shock.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you.”

  So she’d figured out why I was so mad. Not that I was surprised. She had always been a smart girl. Had a full ride to Columbia, but gave it up to stay with her mom during her treatments.

  “Then why won’t you?”

  Her eyes watered. “Because it hurts . . . so bad.” A single tear rolled down her cheek, and I was pissed for being so selfish to think it was because of me. She choked on her words and broke into sobs.

  Shit! I moved as quick as I could with the damn crutches. I reached out to her and pulled her against my chest. Her body shook with each cry that escaped her mouth. I squeezed her tight, wishing I could take away her pain.

  “It’s okay,” I whispered against her hair. “It’s okay.”

  After the sobs subsided, she pulled away and wiped at her eyes. “Three months after you left, Mom’s cancer spread to her brain. She died six days later.”

  I rested my armpits on my crutches and placed my hands on either side of her face, brushing the tears away with my thumbs. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

  She glanced up at me and tried to force a smile, but her face crumbled as she spoke. “It’s okay.”

  “So what happened? To you? Your brother?”

  She took a deep breath. “When Mom got sick, I enrolled at Farmingdale State, thinking I could go to classes at night when she was sleeping. And I did. But when she died, it just didn’t work out. I was eighteen, Jus
tin was sixteen. What was I supposed to do? I dropped out and went from being a sister to a mom. I got this job and have been working to pay the bills ever since. It was easier when Justin was around. I had somebody. But he left for school the last week of August. Because of our situation he got grants and financial aid. Pretty much covered everything. Now . . . now I’m alone. My job and house are all I have left.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. She once told me there were three people she loved. Her mom, her brother, and me. Within three months she lost two of them. I hated myself for walking away so easily, leaving the ball in her glove. I should’ve fought harder for her. If I’d only made another phone call. Stopped at her house one more time. Showed her how badly I wanted to make it work.

  “I wish I’d been there for you.”

  She shook her head. “No. It’s okay. You were exactly where you needed to be.”

  “Was I? Because that first year all I thought about was you. I admit that over time I was able to let you go, but you still popped into my mind. I wanted to call you. See how you were and what you were up to. Now I wish I had.”

  “It’s better you didn’t. I became a mom overnight and I had to be the rock. Justin needed to lean on me and I needed to be strong for him.”

  “You could’ve still been strong for him even if you were leaning on someone else.”

  “No, I couldn’t. If I let myself fall apart I never would’ve been able to pull myself back together.”

  “I would’ve helped you.”

  She threw her arms down and stepped back. “I know,” she whispered.

  I closed the gap she created. “Then why didn’t you call me?”

  She ran her fingers through her hair. Emotion darkened her eyes. “I was scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “Hearing your voice. It was always the one thing that would undo me. I was able to hold myself together, but I knew if I saw you and you asked me what was wrong, I would crumble. I was scared of crumbling and not having you there to catch the pieces.

  “I relied on you for so much that summer, and when you were gone, I had to learn to do it on my own. I didn’t cry. At the hospital. At the funeral. When they turned the electricity off because I couldn’t afford to pay it. I didn’t cry. I hadn’t cried in two years . . . then I saw you the other day and that barrier I built came crashing down.” Tears streamed down her cheeks, but she didn’t stop. “I controlled myself until I got home, and then I lost it. I cried enough to make up for the past two years. Your questions . . . I couldn’t handle them. I didn’t want to cry in front of you.”

  I held my hand out to her. “Come here.”

  She looked down at my hand then back up at me. “I don’t want to cry,” she said.

  “I hate to break it to you.” I limped towards her and placed my hands on either side of her cheeks, running my thumbs under her eyes. “But I think you’re a little too late on that one.” The corner of her lip tugged and I touched the spot. “Was that a smile?”

  “Maybe.”

  I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her head. Warmth ran through my lips into my entire body. So many nights I had held her like this. So many nights she’d needed me to comfort her, to tell her everything would be okay. I could tell she still did. But this time I needed her too. More than she would ever know.

  She glanced up at me, and I was lost in the blue depths of her eyes. Even with tears staining her cheeks, she’d never looked more beautiful.

  I was taking a chance, but I had to. The reason I lost her all came down to the fact that I didn’t take a chance. I played it safe, and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. I told myself if I ever had a shot with Kat again I would be all in. Nothing would stop me. It was my opportunity. The one I thought about so many nights, when girl after girl sent me home disappointed with her inability to make me feel a tinge of what I felt with Kat.

  I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. Her body went stiff, but she didn’t hit me, so I took it as a good sign. At first I didn’t move, afraid if I did, she would jump away. But greed took over, and I moved my lips, urging her to part her own, swiping my tongue across the line that kept me from what I desperately wanted.

  She melted into my embrace, parting her lips, sliding her tongue into my mouth, and ruining any other girl for me. Actually, she already had. I hadn’t realized it until she showed up on my doorstep, but there was a reason I’d never wanted a relationship with any of the girls I’d dated. The reason being that kissing them was about as exciting as watching a snail race. It was simple.

  They weren’t Kat.

  Her hands ran through my hair, and I needed her in the worst way. I moved, wanting her against the car. I didn’t care that my crutches were getting in the way. All my mind could focus on was Kat.

  I leaned her back into the driver’s side door and pressed my body against hers. Her body went rigid, so I ran my fingers along her cheekbone to calm her nerves. She sucked in a sharp breath and then lifted her lips to mine.

  A loud bang came from behind us. I tore my mouth from Kat’s and dove to the ground. My heart raced. I desperately tried to get air to my lungs, but each breath was ragged and as much as I gasped, I couldn’t breathe.

  I closed my eyes and like a projector, visions from that day in the hallway popped up. One after another.

  Body after body collapsed to the ground. Blood splattered across the walls, dripping down the white paint to the floor.

  People running. Screaming. Everyone was screaming.

  I didn’t know what was worse. The screams or the sound of gunshots. I could run, but the gunman was at the door and no one had made it out alive yet. I grabbed Nia’s arm and pulled her into the doorway.

  More screams. More shots. More blood. And I was trapped.

  “Josh!” Kat screamed and fell to my side. “What’s the matter? Is it your leg?”

  Sweat dripped into my eye, and when she rested her hand on my arm, I was able to catch my breath. “Sorry,” I muttered.

  Her blue eyes, still red from crying, filled with concern. “What was that?”

  “Nothing.” She didn’t need to know. She had enough on her plate. Enough to deal with without taking on my craziness.

  She held my face in her hands. The simple gesture decreased my heart rate. “It wasn’t nothing. Don’t lie to me. I just spewed my problems all over you. Don’t even think about lying to me.”

  I didn’t know how to put what I was dealing with into words. It wasn’t something that came with a manual. I was on my own. But if anyone knew about being on their own, it was Kat. Two years ago I would’ve done anything for her, and in that moment, lying against her car, acid sweat burning my eye, I knew that hadn’t changed.

  So without going into too much detail, I put into words what I hadn’t been able to until that moment. “Loud noises freak me out. My brain thinks it’s a gunshot. It was a fucking car door for chrissakes. But my mind doesn’t register it that way. I hardly leave the house anymore.”

  Kat combed her fingers in my hair. “Why didn’t you tell me? We didn’t have to leave the house.”

  I grabbed her hand, pulling it down to lie on my cheek. “Because when I’m with you the visions go away.”

  “What visions?”

  I bit my cheek, realizing I’d said too much. But not being able to turn back now, I told her the truth. “When you found me on the floor of my bedroom, it was because I was having a nightmare, but it wasn’t really a nightmare because I lived it. I don’t call them nightmares because they happen when I’m not sleeping. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m zoned out, reliving that day.”

  Her thumb stroked the skin along my jaw. “Have you thought about seeing someone? A psychiatrist?”

  “How can they possibly understand what I’m going through?”

  “They’re trained. They go to school and learn how to deal with all types of things.”

  “A textbook can’t fix me. Unless you wer
e there you wouldn’t understand,” I said, my tone much harsher than I intended. Kat leaned away from me, her eyes wide in . . . fear. Dammit, I’d scared her.

  I was an asshole. There was no other way to put it. Kat was trying to help and I snapped at her. It wouldn’t have surprised me if she got up and left me there. Instead she erased the space she’d created between us. She took my hands in hers and looked into my eyes. “Make me understand.”

  If only it were that easy. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

  She ran her fingers down my face and I relaxed my cheek against her hand. “That bad, huh?”

  Blood. Blood everywhere. Surrounded by lifeless bodies, knowing there was nothing you could do to bring them back. Looking evil right in the eye. “You have no idea.”

  “I don’t.” Kat stroked my hair then placed her hand on my chin, urging me to look at her. “But when you’re ready to talk to someone about it, I’m here.”

  My lip twitched with excitement. “Does that mean you’re going to stick around?”

  “If you want me to.”

  I pulled her face to mine and brushed my lips against hers. “Of course I do,” I said against her mouth. “Of course I do.”

  Chapter 6

  Mike, my physical therapist, stood at the other end of the bars with his arms crossed. He expected me to walk. Well, I had news for him. That wasn’t happening. Especially since he didn’t want me to hold on to the bars. Only use them if I really “needed” to.

  If he wanted me to make it to the other side, then he needed to walk his ass over and carry me.

  “Come on, Josh. You got this,” he called out.

  Did I? Every time I put weight on my leg the pain made me want to fall to the floor and scream. He didn’t look like he was giving up though. Of course, he wasn’t the one with a bullet hole in his thigh.

  Where the hell did he put my crutches? I scanned the room and spotted them against the wall near where he stood. Dammit.

  “Just take one step at a time,” Mike said, and I ignored it.

  I took a cue from him and crossed my arms then shook my head. Not happening, dude. I would stand there all day if I had to.