“I got it,” she said, and shoved it open, holding it as she turned her nose up at me. The old Kat would’ve stared at the ground, embarrassed. I was kind of proud of her.
I walked out and to the car without a single word.
The worst part about it was I wanted to talk to her. Wanted to share in my small victory. I’d freaking walked and if it weren’t for Darren, I would’ve wrapped my arms around her and insisted we go out and celebrate. Now I was trapped in the car with her cotton candy scent, trying my damndest not to ask her how Darren was doing.
She tapped her hands on the steering wheel and then gripped it tightly. Her head turned in my direction then back to the road. She ran her fingers through her hair.
“What?” I asked, knowing her well enough to see that there was something on her mind.
“Look I know we’re not talking, but can we please acknowledge that you walked today? I mean hello! That’s huge. And I really just want to say . . . I told you so.”
I let out a laugh. “Excuse me?”
“I knew you could do it. You’re just so damn stubborn. You always have been.”
When her eyes caught mine, a smile broke through. Our encounter on the boardwalk vanished, and it was just me and her again. The world was on the outside, where it belonged.
“I am not stubborn.”
“Oh please,” she practically snorted. “May I remind you of epic stubborn moment number twenty-two?”
“Twenty-two!”
“Stubborn people have a lot of stubborn moments, and you my friend, just may take the cake.”
I leaned back into the seat. “Okay give me epic moment number twenty-two.”
“When you insisted you knew a shortcut to the beach even though I told you we were driving in the wrong direction.”
“I got us there, didn’t I?”
Her mouth dropped open and she gave an exaggerated gasp. “After driving into another state!”
I waved my hand like I was shooing away a fly. “A little detour.”
“A little!” Her eyes left the road for a moment and stared at me with disbelief. “We were lost for two hours.”
I leaned back into the seat and crossed my arms over my chest, making sure to bulge my biceps. “Two hours with me—on a list of pros and cons, that’s definitely a pro.”
Her lip quirked and she tried to cover it up by scratching above her mouth.
I reached over and wrapped my fingers around her hand, pulling it away. “I saw you smile.”
The trail of skin from her cheeks to her neck flared red. “I did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Who’s the stubborn one now?” I glanced at her, and in typical Kat fashion she slid her teeth over her pouty lip.
There was so much I missed about Kat. So much. But this back-and-forth banter, I missed that the most.
“Your epic stubborn moment number twenty-two,” I said, and she cocked her eyebrow. “This.” I took her hand back in mine and slid her ring up her finger to reveal our matching tattoos.
She shook her head.
“What?”
“I was determined. There’s a difference.” She pointed her finger at me.” It was your fault.”
“Mine!” I grabbed my chest and laughed.
“You drew it on my finger.”
Kat had been falling apart in front of me because of her mom’s illness. I felt completely helpless. So I did the only thing I could think of—I outlined the infinity symbol on her finger.
My hands fell to my lap and I turned in my seat, making sure not to hit my thigh. “I didn’t know what else to do.”
“I know. Me neither.”
“Do you miss her?” It was a stupid question. Of course she did. Her mom had been her life. Her rock. The one person who’d never let her down. But just like that day in the back of the Aqua Café when she’d cried in my arms, I didn’t know what else to say.
“All the time. They say it gets easier. It doesn’t. I’ve just gotten better at pushing it to the back of my mind. But there are times when it resurfaces and I find myself lost, on the verge of a meltdown, though the breakdowns are fewer and further between.”
“When my grandfather passed away,” I said, “my sister baked all day every day. It helped her to focus on something else. You used to put those albums together. The photo ones.”
“Used to.”
“But you loved doing it.”
She shrugged. “It’s an expensive hobby, and besides, I ran out of things I want to remember.” I expected sadness in her tone, but she said it so matter-of-factly, like good memories no longer existed for her.
I wanted to fix it. Give her something worth remembering. Find a way to make up for all the bad in her life. She deserved books full of memories, not dark, blank pages.
Then I remembered why we hadn’t been talking earlier. “You have Darren. You mean to tell me there’s nothing worth remembering with him?”
“We’re having a good day. Let’s not ruin it, okay?”
I glanced to my side and caught her eyes for a brief second before she turned them back on the road.
“I—”
“So what else did Mike say?” Kat asked, and this time, I let her change the subject.
Chapter 12
“Mom, I’m fine,” I said for the five hundredth time. I’d finally gotten my sister to go back to her apartment, and now I had Mom, who was ten times worse. If only there was a way to ship her off to Liz’s apartment too, maybe I’d get a little peace and quiet.
Then again, technically, I was the one intruding. She’d finally gotten rid of both her kids, and then I came back and took up residency, eating her out of her house and home. But I couldn’t go back to the dorms. Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
“Don’t you lie to me,” Mom said with her ultimate Mom face on.
“I’m not.”
She placed her hands on her hips just like she did when I got caught drinking junior year of high school. “Says the boy who fell out of bed. Again.”
“I told you, it was nothing.”
“Maybe you should see someone. Sadie’s mom’s office isn’t too far. There’s n—”
“I don’t need a shrink.” Especially not the mother of my sister’s best friend.
“Josh, sweetie, there is nothing wrong with talking to someone.”
“I know there isn’t. I’m talking to you right now, aren’t I?”
“Don’t get smart with me.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t mean to pester.”
I glanced up and cocked my eyebrow. That was the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard. Mom lived to pester. It was in her blood.
“I’m just worried about you.” Tears filled her eyes and I wanted to hit the rewind button on my life and go back to the day of the shooting. I wouldn’t have gone into the Kramer Science Building. I wouldn’t have been anywhere near that damn campus.
I wanted my life back, and not standing still in that building. Still stuck on that day. A constant rerun of the most graphic horror flick I had ever seen. Except I didn’t watch it on a TV or on a theater screen. I watched it unfold in front of me, over and over on a continuous loop. I felt the blood running down my leg and the dizzy spells that were trying to overtake me. A constant reminder that the horror would never be over.
I could talk about it until I turned blue, but it wouldn’t change the fact that seventeen people would still be injured and six people would still be dead. I’d still have had a front row seat to the bloodbath. Talking wouldn’t bring Nia back. It wouldn’t erase the horrifying visions. So really, what was the point?
“I know. But trust me, Mom. I’m fine. Promise.” Lying was easier than the truth. I was far from fine, but there was nothing anyone could do. I only hoped eventually that unbearable day would fade into my memory and lock itself away for good.
“If you say so.” She walked aroun
d the kitchen island and kissed the top of my head. “But please. If you ever don’t feel fine, promise me you’ll see someone.”
“Promise,” I said, but in my mind, my fingers were crossed like a bratty five-year-old.
“I have to head to work. Do you need me to take care of your bandage first? Cook you breakfast?”
I took a sip of my orange juice. “Kat will be here soon.”
Mom eyed me funny and then her hands landed right back on her hips. “She is your aide, Joshua Adam. You better not be sleeping with her.”
The orange juice caught in my throat and I started to choke. I gulped it down and proceeded to cough my face off. “Mom! Really?”
“I wasn’t born yesterday, you know. I saw that look.” Her finger spiraled towards my eyes. “I’m not blind or dumb.”
“I never said you were.”
Mom let out a huge breath. “She’s a nice girl.”
“Are you trying to tell me she’s too good for me? Geez, if I ever let my ego get out of control I know where to go.”
“I’m just saying she’s not like the other girls you’ve dated, that’s all. I think any girl would be lucky to have you, if you were willing to be devoted to her. But we both know, based on your track record, that’s not going to happen any time soon. So please just keep it in your pants.”
“Mom!” I swore my ears were bleeding. My hands shot up and covered them, hoping if any blood poured out I could hold it in.
I knew I had a reputation, but to hear my mom actually acknowledge it in more than just a passing comment—well, she might as well have walked in on me on top of a girl.
I dropped my hands from my ears and took another swig of my juice.
“I’m not a prude, Joshua.”
Orange juice shot up my nose, and I pushed the glass away. Trying to drink during this conversation could be lethal.
“We’re both adults here, and I just don’t want you taking advantage of the poor girl.”
“I don’t need you to tell me how to treat Kat. Like you, I’m not blind or dumb. I know a good thing when I see one.”
“You slept with her already didn’t you?”
Heat rushed into my cheeks. Just like my sister, I was blessed with the inability to lie. While her lip twitched, my cheeks turned redder than the stitching on a baseball.
“Did you really just ask me that?”
“You did! Didn’t you? Your cheeks are lighting up like a Christmas tree.”
Damn cheeks. There was no getting out of it, and holy shit, talk about an awkward conversation. There were things in life I never wanted to experience, and talking about sex with my mother was high on that list.
It was bad enough when my dad gave me the talk in high school. He mumbled a few things, patted me on the back and left me with a box of condoms. It takes a lot to get me embarrassed, but I nearly jumped out of my second floor window to avoid that one.
There was no point in lying to her. Mom had that determined look in her eyes, and once it settled in, there was no escaping.
“We had a thing the summer before college.”
Mom sat down in the seat across from me and placed her elbow on the island. “What happened?” And I suddenly felt like I was being interrogated by Oprah.
“I’d rather not talk about it.”
“Where’s my little boy who wanted to talk about everything?”
Good question. I had no idea where he was. No idea if he would ever return. Too many things had happened. Too many things I didn’t want to discuss. Once upon a time, talking was one of my favorite things to do, because I always had something positive to say. But life wasn’t my friend as of late, and there was nothing I wanted to share. Why drag the rest of the world down with me?
Besides talking about Kat, sharing the details of our relationship and where it all went wrong wasn’t exactly my idea of a fun conversation. It was over. There wasn’t much else to say.
I shrugged, ready to call the game, but when Mom’s hand rested on my shoulder, it was obvious we were going into extra innings. The words poured out of me.
“We spent that entire summer together and nobody knew. I wanted it that way. I kept her a secret.”
I continued, telling Mom about how I never brought Kat to any parties. How I pretended she didn’t exist when I was with my friends. How I still flirted with other girls to keep up the façade. “I was willing to give up Springfield to be with her.” I shrugged. “She never asked me to stay though.”
“I see,” Mom said when I finished.
I waited for her to say something else. Anything. I’d just bared my freaking soul and all she was going to give me was an “I see”? It must have been bad. Her perception of me for the past twenty years was completely changed in a matter of minutes.
“I guess that says it all,” I said, wishing I would’ve kept my mouth shut. Liz always told me if I killed someone, Mom would help me hide the body. I never disagreed because she was right. Mom never saw any bad in me. But hearing the story of me and Kat, the way I royally effed that up—I’d tainted her perfect son.
“No. Josh, I’m sorry. I was just taken by surprise, that’s all.”
“I’m a terrible person. I know.”
“Absolutely not. You can’t fault yourself for falling in love.”
“But the way I went about it . . . ”
“By the sound of it, she wanted to keep you two a secret too. It was a decision made by the both of you. Besides, you were willing to give up Springfield for her and go to a local school. I think that is the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. Possibly the stupidest, since Springfield is an amazing school, and I probably would’ve given you hell for it, but the intention was there and I’m sure Kat recognized that.”
“She still didn’t ask me to stay.”
“Why didn’t you ask her?”
“She knew how I felt. She knew I’d give it all up. She just had to say the words. Ultimately, it was her choice.”
“Then I’m sure there was a reason. A valid one.”
“But she won’t tell me. I try to talk to her, and she makes it impossible. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?”
Mom cocked her eyebrow. “As a matter of fact, I do. Seems a stubborn child of mine does the exact same thing, but I’m happy you were able to share this with me. I know there will be things you can’t tell me, and I get that, I do, but just know I’m always here whenever you need me.”
Mom didn’t have to say it. No matter what I was going through, she was always there. My family was the one thing I could always count on.
“Thanks, Mom. I love you.”
She walked over and wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me tight against her. “I love you too.” She kissed the top of my head then messed with my hair. “I have to head to work. Kat should be here soon. If you can’t talk to us about the shooting, maybe you can talk to Kat. Just a thought.”
There was a knock at the door and it eased open. Kat walked into the kitchen dressed in Betty Boop scrubs with her hair tossed up in a messy bun. But her eyes looked off—red around the edges, like she hadn’t slept in days. The adorable freckles she loved to cover up were makeup free.
Mom glanced between the two of us. “Hi Kat,” she said, a little too enthusiastically. “It’s so good to see you. I’m heading out now. Have fun you crazy kids . . . but not too much fun.” She pointed her finger at me, grabbed her bag, and headed out the door, giving Kat a wink.
“What was that about?” Kat asked, watching Mom walk away.
“She thought we were sleeping together.”
Kat’s mouth fell open, eyes frozen in shock.
I laughed, unable to control my amusement. “Don’t worry, Kit Kat. I told her not anymore.”
Chapter 13
“You told your mom about us?! Are you out of your freaking mind? I could lose my job if word got out!” She paced back and forth, running her hand through her reddish-blond hair.
“Calm down. It was bef
ore you were my aide, and besides, even if we were sleeping together now, my mom wouldn’t report you. For fuck’s sake, give her a little more credit than that.”
“Credit? My job is on the line here. Not to mention you told your mother we slept together. That is not something I want broadcasted for the world to hear.”
“Why? Are you ashamed of me?”
Kat’s mouth snapped shut. Her eyes bored into mine, and I waited for her to attack me with more words, but her phone rang. She took it out of her pocket, silenced it and shoved it back.
“Lover boy?” I asked and her eyes narrowed.
“Don’t try to change the subject.”
“You do it all the time.”
Her phone rang again and just like before, she silenced it and shoved it back into her pocket. “Some days I hate you.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong here.”
“You told your mother, of all people, that we’ve slept together. That’s wrong on so many levels.”
“What I don’t get is whether you’re mad at me for telling my mom we slept together or the fact that we actually slept together.”
Anger turned to annoyance. “Really Josh? That’s a stupid thing to say.”
“Is it?”
Her phone rang again.
“Damn it!” She took it out and silenced it, but this time turned it off and tossed it on the counter. Tension pulled tight across her face, and she pushed the palm of her hand into her eye as if to rub some of it away. Who the hell kept calling? And why was she avoiding their call? Did it have something to with why she looked so shot?
I expected her to use it as an out to the conversation, but apparently she’d rather fight with me than talk to whoever was on the other end of that phone.
Her hand dropped and blue eyes glanced up at me. She let out a shaky breath. “I’m not mad we slept together. Not at all. I’m sorry for freaking out. I just . . . I can’t lose my job.”
I stood up from the stool and used the counter as leverage to move closer to her. She gasped at the sight of me not using my crutches and walking more than a few steps.
(Once) Again Page 9
