Other than that day at physical therapy, I hadn’t walked solo again.
“You’re walking.”
“Trying to, at least,” I said through clenched teeth as pain shot up my thigh. I reached her and placed my hand on her shoulder.
“You won’t lose your job. Promise.”
“I’m sorry,” she breathed. “It’s been a rough day.”
“Want to talk about it?” I wanted to wash away whatever was causing her unease. Make it better. Easier. I had every suspicion it had something to do with the person calling.
She gave me a halfhearted smile. “Not really.”
It took a while to sink in, but now I officially knew how my family felt when I blew them off. It sucked. I had no idea what was going on in that gorgeous head of hers and because of that, there was nothing I could do.
So many times I’d wanted to erase all the shit she was dealing with, but the harder I tried to ease her burdens and alleviate her fears, the more I realized I was just providing her a temporary solution.
I took her hand in mine. Her breath hitched and she locked eyes with me. I slid the ring up her finger, revealing her tattoo.
“It gave you strength once,” I said and ran my finger over the curves of the black line.
***
The sun was shining brightly and the line to the water slide was out of control. At the rate it was going, I’d be lucky if I got to sneak in one makeout session with Kat behind the Blue Lagoon.
My eyes glanced in her direction, and I watched as she rested her chin on her hand. Even from far away I could tell there was something bothering her. The happy daydream face she always got when she looked off into the distance was clouded over.
“Cross your arms over your chest,” I said to the next kid who took his position on the slide. “And wait for my signal.”
I waited for the okay from below and went back to watching Kat. A mother and child walked up to the cotton candy booth and she gave a smile, but it was forced.
“All clear.” I heard on the radio.
“And go!” I said to the kid and he took off.
I held my hand up to the next kid, my eyes stuck on Kat. She handed off the cotton candy to the mother and as soon as they walked away, her head fell into her hands. A few seconds later she ran out the door.
“Chris, man my station!” I yelled to the line organizer.
“All clear.” Came across the radio and I jumped on the slide and flung myself down, arms crossed over my chest, legs crossed at the ankles.
As soon as I hit the pool, I went down and shot right back up, swimming to the stairs as if a shark were about to bite my ass.
“Josh, where the hell are you going?” the pool lifeguard yelled to me.
I didn’t answer. I had a crying girl to find. I reached the stairs and pulled myself up. Water weighed my shorts down, but I twisted them, squeezing the moisture out as I jogged towards the only place I could think of.
“Josh, slow down. You know there’s no running in here,” Cliff, the manager, said as I jogged past him.
I got to the Blue Lagoon and hooked to the left so no one would see me. Just as I expected.
Kat sat on the ground, knees propped up, elbows resting on top, her head in her hands. I knelt down beside her and placed my hand on her arm.
“Kit Kat, what’s the matter?”
Wet eyes, red from crying, peered up at me. Her nose scrunched at the bridge and instead of words she shook her head and bawled. My heart shattered as the pain etched into her features.
I wrapped my arm around her neck and pulled her into me. I fell flat to the ground to sit, and she crawled into my lap. I cradled her, rocking back and forth, running my hand over her hair and kissing her forehead.
Kat might’ve been shy, but she was never weak, so when I saw her fall apart, unable to stop the tears, I knew it was bad. I just didn’t know what it was. Worst of all, I didn’t know how to make it better.
Shirtless, shoeless, and still soaking wet, I hoisted Kat into my chest and stood. She was so consumed in her grief she didn’t even notice the movement. I hugged her tightly to me and headed out the maintenance entrance to the parking lot.
I didn’t care if anyone saw us. I got to my pickup, thankful I’d left a spare key in the wheel well. I unlocked the door and placed Kat on the seat, but when I went to pull away she grabbed me.
Any pieces left of my heart disintegrated. I took her back in my arms, shut the passenger door and walked around to the driver side. I pushed my seat back and lifted her up with me.
She held onto my neck tighter as I leaned down and readjusted the seat. “I’m not going anywhere,” I whispered into her ear and kissed the top of her head. I shifted her to sit beside me, and she nuzzled into my side.
I fired up the ignition and pulled out of there. There was no question in my mind where to go. There was only one place we could shut the world out.
The drive to our spot seemed endless. So many times I wanted to veer off to the side of the road and wrap both arms around her, but I kept driving. I brushed stray strands of reddish blond out of her face and ran my hand down her arm.
I turned onto the path and pulled Kat closer to me, preparing for the bounce of the rough terrain.
It was a little smoother than usual, as if Mother Nature knew Kat was shook up enough. I eased the truck to a stop and threw both arms around her.
And held her.
And held her.
And held her.
I didn’t dare say anything. I knew when she was ready she would talk, but first she had to let out all the pain. So I continued to hold her.
Her cheek rubbed against my bare chest, and she pushed up. She closed her eyes like she was willing the tears to stop and then opened them. I reached out and wiped at the streaks on her face.
“Where’s your shirt?” she asked and when I caught her eye, we both started laughing.
I sighed in relief on the inside. Her laugh was the sweetest sound I’d ever heard. I put my hand under her chin and tilted her face to mine.
“Are you going to tell me about it?”
Her eyes glossed over again, but she took a deep breath and stared into mine. She held my gaze like a lifeline. “My mom . . .” Tears streamed down her cheeks. I took her face in my hands and swiped my thumbs under her lids, wiping the tears away.
“It’s okay,” I said, looking deep into her eyes.
More tears flowed, but she didn’t turn her gaze from mine. Her nose twitched and her lips parted. “Cancer,” she whispered.
I tried not to let the shock show on my face. Kat needed a rock, not a wide-eyed blob with no idea what to say or do. So I did the only thing I could think of. I reached out to her and took her back into my arms, assuring her, “She’ll be okay.”
Her fingers linked through mine, and I took my other hand and outlined a sideways figure eight on her ring finger. “Do you know what the infinity symbol is?” I asked.
She shook her head against my chest.
“Most people know it as a math symbol, meaning infinite, of course. But to others it’s a symbol of infinite strength and love. Without limits or without an end.”
I reached over to my glove box and pulled out a pen. I slid my fingers out from hers and held her hand. I glided the tip of the pen over her skin, marking her with the infinity symbol.
“Kat, you’re strong. Stronger than you know. The love you have for your mom is infinite, and that’s why I know everything is going to be okay.”
She ran her hand over her finger, admiring my artwork. She took the pen from my hand and grabbed my finger, drawing the same symbol on my skin.
“There are no limits to your love either,” she said as she connected the symbol.
We had never said the three-word phrase to each other. I never said it to anyone other than family before. But in that moment, when Kat’s big blue eyes looked up at me, I knew.
I interlocked our fingers, the infinity signs side by side, and reach
ed my other hand up, cupping her cheek. “I love you.”
The skin between her eyes pinched and a smile settled on her lips. “I love you too. So much.”
My hand wrapped around her head and I brushed my mouth against hers. Her fingers tightened around mine, and her other hand got lost in my hair. Electricity shot through my lips right down to my stomach.
Kat pulled away, resting her forehead against mine. “Let’s make them permanent.”
I looked down at her, eyebrow cocked in curiosity. “Make what permanent?”
She held up her finger. “I always wanted a tattoo.”
“Really?” I asked, completely shocked.
“Really.”
“Are you sure about this? I mean, it will be permanent. For life. Forever.”
“I know . . . and that’s what I want.”
“Then let’s do it.”
She leaped into my arms, pinning me against the door, and kissed me hard and sweet. I didn’t want to let her go. Ever.
Against her lips I spoke, “But first I need to find a shirt and a pair of shoes.”
She laughed and then kissed me again, the pain from earlier no longer visible.
***
The memory was a hot poker to my already bruised heart. Kat put a plate of pancakes in front of me, but I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t stop looking at her.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, eyes narrowed as she stepped closer to me, examining my face before looking down at my leg.
“I told you to tell me to stay and you didn’t. Why?”
“Holy random,” she said and stepped back.
I used the counter to move closer to her. “I need to know.”
She held her hand up to halt me. “Josh, I don’t want to talk about this.”
Everything I had been holding in boiled to the surface. I let go of the counter and ran both hands through my hair. “I’m sick of not talking. Sick of it. Do you know how it feels to hold things inside of you?”
“Of course I do. I’ve been doing it since the minute you left. I had no one to confide in. No one. So I’m sorry if I don’t let everything out like I used to.”
I ran my hands over my face, calming myself after her words. “So why? Why didn’t you ask me to stay?”
“And be the reason you lost your scholarship? I was stuck here. You weren’t. I couldn’t do that to you.” Kat flung her arms in the air and then settled them on the counter.
“I told you I didn’t care where I went to school as long as we were together. I could’ve played anywhere. It didn’t matter to me.”
I watched the rise and fall of her back as she took a deep breath.
“It mattered to me,” she whispered, then turned around. “My dreams were ripped out from under me, and I wasn’t about to let that happen to you too. I didn’t have a choice. I was okay with that. But you did, and I wouldn’t let you make the wrong one.”
I moved closer to her. “If I was with you, it wouldn’t have been the wrong choice.”
“Until the honeymoon stage ran its course, and you resented me.”
I reached out and rested my hand on the side of her face. “That never would’ve happened.”
She shook her head and pulled away from me. “How do you know that? What we had was great. But we kept the world out of it and eventually . . . we would’ve had to let it in. And when we did, everything would’ve changed.”
“Things change. That’s life.” I put myself in front of her again. Her eyes darted to the floor and she crossed her arms. Not in a stubborn way—she was scared. Probably afraid of what I was about to say. “But I loved you, and two years later, after everything . . .” I took her chin in my hand, urging her to look at me. “All the highs and lows, not seeing you. That one fact hasn’t changed. I still love you as much as I did that summer.”
Tears welled in her eyes. Emotions ran across her face. She backed up into the counter. “I can’t do this. Not right now. I can’t.”
She grabbed her bag and ran out the door, abandoning me.
Even when I tried to make things right, I still fucked them up.
Chapter 14
I spent five hours staring at the cell phone on the island in my kitchen. Five hours. It took me that long to realize Kat wasn’t coming back for it. An hour after that, I called Zach to see if he was in town, visiting his grandma.
The whole not-being-able-to-drive thing was a real pain in the ass. Luckily, Zach had no afternoon classes and picked me up after he stopped by the nursing home.
“Where we heading?” he asked, handing me my crutches as I settled into the passenger seat.
“Kat’s. She’s on the other side of town, on Spruce.”
He raised a dark eyebrow. “She knows you’re coming?”
“What do you think?”
Zach shook his head and laughed. “Does it matter what I think?”
“Right now? No.”
“Then let’s get out of here.”
Zach hopped into the driver’s seat and we took off. “How’s therapy going?” he asked when he turned onto the main road.
“I was able to take a few steps the other day.”
“Get out! That’s really great. Pretty soon you’ll be back out on the baseball field.”
I nodded. It was a nice thought, but I didn’t think I’d ever be able to run the bases again, let alone catch line drives and make double plays.
Talking about the things I was never going to do again was depressing. I had enough on my mind. I didn’t need that weighing me down too. So I changed the subject to something Zach liked to talk about. “How’s my sister?”
“Busy planning a community beach clean-up day. She’s driving herself crazy, making posters and flyers.”
“So that’s why she hasn’t been up my ass.”
“It’s been taking up most of her time. But she’s only a pain because she’s worried.” Zach shrugged. “We all are.”
“Nothing to be worried about. I’m fine.” And once I got to Kat and fixed things, I’d be one step closer to getting my life back. At least I hoped I would.
“You keep saying you are, but I know you. I’ve known you for years. If you don’t want to tell Lizzie, I get that. But this is me.”
“You’ve always been a great friend. You’re my bro. I wish I could talk about it. I just can’t. Not yet. I know I keep saying that, but just trust me on this one.”
“I trust you. Doesn’t mean I’m going to stop worrying.”
“My sister’s rubbing off on you.”
“Who knew personality was sexually transmitted?”
I punched him in the shoulder. Hard. “Dude!”
Zach rubbed his shoulder and laughed.
I scrunched my nose. “That’s my sister.”
Zach shook his head. “Still funny as hell.”
He turned onto Spruce, and I pointed down the road to Kat’s. “Third house on the left.”
I had been to her house twice before, but never inside. The first time was the day she told me her mom had cancer. I wouldn’t let her drive home. She was a mess, and I was mad enough at her for thinking she was capable of driving to work. We’d gotten the tattoos, Kat first and me after. We held hands the entire time. She didn’t even flinch when the needle touched her skin. Afterwards we went back to the beach and made love until the late hours of the night. I wanted to stay there till morning, but Kat was worried about her brother being alone. So though I wanted that night to go until dawn, I relented and l let her go. I climbed back into the cab and drove her home.
The second time was six months after I’d left for school. I had tried to move on when every call I made went right to her voicemail and every message I left went unreturned. But one Sunday, driving back to school after a weekend trip home to see my parents, I had this strong urge to see her.
I took an unexpected detour, telling myself if she wasn’t home it was a sign. When I pulled up, the first thing I noticed was the absence of a car in the driveway. A pit landed
in my stomach and it was far worse than any game loss. I was about to drive away when a shimmer of light caught my eye. It was on the far left side of the house. It was coming from Kat’s room. I remembered all those late nights we sat on the phone and she assured me no one would hear her because her room was set away from the rest of her family.
I knocked and knocked and knocked. Even walked around to her window and tossed a few pebbles. Just like all my voicemails, the door went unanswered.
I dragged my thoughts back to the present as Zach slowed in front of Kat’s. Even in the dark, I could see the paint chipped on the shutters and the shingle missing by the door.
“Is this it?” Zach asked as he placed the Jeep in park.
“This is it.”
“It’s kind of dark. Do you think she’s home?”
With my luck she was out with Darren, doing things I didn’t want to think about. What was I supposed to do? Sit on her front stoop and wait for her to get home? Yes, that was exactly what I was going to do. I wasn’t driving away this time—or at least I wasn’t going to let Zach drive me away.
“There’s only one way to find out,” I said.
Zach lounged back in his seat. “I’ll wait here.”
“Not necessary. If she’s not here, I’ll wait.”
“Are you sure? You can talk to her tomorrow.”
“No. I need to talk to her now.”
Zach nodded and smiled. “I understand, alright. Call me if you need a ride.”
“Thanks for everything, Zach.”
“You don’t thank family.” He smirked and looked over my shoulder. “Good luck. Looks like you’re going to need it.”
I positioned my crutches under me and turned to find Kat and lover boy under the dim porch light.
“Fuck.”
“It’s not too late to get back in.”
I looked back at Kat and Darren then again at Zach. “I have to do this.”
“Okay, I’m pulling away, but if he hits you, call me. I’ll drop him faster than I did that piece of shit Joe.”
I leaned back into the truck and gave Zach a fist pound. “Thanks, bro.”
I took a deep breath and turned back around. Kat stood on the porch, hands on her hips, eyes glaring at me. Darren stood beside her, his hand protectively on her shoulder, and I wanted to snap it off. I was turning into a possessive douchebag and I knew it, but I couldn’t shut it off.
(Once) Again Page 10
