The Legacy of Lochandee

by Gwen Kirkwood

  ‘I thought you might have condemned me for – well, for giving Beth a child?’

  ‘Condemn you?’ Fiona frowned. ‘It’s not my place to condemn anyone. I must admit it was a surprise, a shock, in fact, that you – that you … Anyway, I don’t know the circumstances. But I do know that Harry derived a great deal of joy from Lucy. He really loved her and I’m sure Beth was right to keep her secret to herself, though it must have been an awful burden to her, especially when she suspected she had cancer and Lucy was likely to be an orphan.’

  ‘Yes.’ Conan sighed and plucked a stem of grass, twirling it absently in his fingers. ‘It wasn’t Beth’s fault, you know. She didn’t set out to tempt me or anything. I was so bloody green and innocent and confused then …’

  Fiona heard the anger in his voice and turned towards him. ‘You don’t have to tell me about it, or anyone else …’ she said gently and laid her hand on his arm, feeling the hard muscles beneath her fingers.

  ‘I know,’ he said, ‘but, you see, it all seemed so natural, so wonderful, not wrong or sinful …’

  ‘Did it?’ Fiona stared down at him, then she shuddered and closed her eyes.

  ‘Yes,’ he said defensively. ‘It did then. I didn’t plan it. I-I blundered into the scullery and Beth was stripped to the waist washing her hair. We – we both got a – a shock. I’d been washing at the pump so I only had my trousers on … and I hadn’t a towel. It – it just happened. You’ve no idea how innocent I was,’ he repeated wonderingly, ‘or how much I’d dreaded all the questions and boasting of some of the older service men – and some of the younger ones. I was terribly grateful to Beth. You wouldn’t understand that though …’

  ‘Maybe I understand better than you think. Certainly I’m the last person to condemn anyone, especially the way things were, boys going to war …’ Her voice was ragged and Conan looked up at her, his eyes narrowing against the bright light reflected from the sea.

  ‘Fiona?’ He turned his arm and clasped her fingers. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you, and there’s only ever been one woman I really wanted since …’ He was staring at the grass, ‘But she certainly didn’t want me.’

  ‘Are you sure she didn’t want you? Whoever she is, maybe she was uncertain too. Maybe she was frigid …’ She shuddered again and Conan frowned.

  ‘Frigid!’ he gave a harsh laugh. ‘I hardly think so …’

  ‘But how would you know? How would she know?’ Conan sat up then and turned to face her.

  ‘You really don’t know?’ he asked incredulously. ‘You haven’t guessed you’re the woman? The night of Bridie’s wedding I damned nearly … well, I’ve never felt so humiliated, so angry and frustrated in my life, as I felt that night. I thought you’d led me on all the way, like a lamb to the slaughter. Then slapped me down. You looked so beautiful … Then you turned your back on me, curled up and went to sleep. I-I felt I never wanted to speak to you, or see you, again. But you came to see me about Mum’s vase and you carried on as though nothing had happened. So bloody cool! I couldn’t believe it. Of course, you made it very plain that you wanted nothing to do with me – probably didn’t even trust me …’

  ‘I didn’t know … I didn’t know.’ Fiona snatched her fingers from his and buried her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook, but there were no tears, no sobs.

  ‘Fiona? Don’t be upset. I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ she said in a muffled voice. ‘I didn’t know, I-I can’t even remember much about the night of Bridie’s wedding. I never drink much and even a little makes me sleepy and f-fuddled.’

  ‘You mean you didn’t deliberately lead me on, just for the pleasure of rejecting me?’ Conan asked carefully.

  ‘I wouldn’t know how,’ Fiona muttered dejectedly. She didn’t raise her head, she couldn’t look at him, but she began to speak slowly, her voice low and faltering.

  ‘Do you remember Gerry?

  ‘Yes, yes I do. You were engaged …’

  ‘Yes. We – we thought we were in love. We were so young. He didn’t want to go away. He didn’t want to fight …’ She shuddered again and her voice sank even lower. ‘He was sure he wouldn’t come back. I-I tried to – to … I w-wanted to reassure him …’ She was silent for so long Conan thought she was not going to say any more, then she said in a rush. ‘We tried to make love and I c-couldn’t even do th-that for him and it was horrible, horrible …’ She shuddered. ‘I hated it. I knew then I would never get married. I d-didn’t tell Gerry that, but in my heart I knew I would tell him when the war was over. But he never came back,’ she said in a whisper, ‘not even once …’

  ‘Fiona, that was not your fault.’ Conan reached out and pulled her towards him, smoothing her soft hair as though she were a child. ‘You can’t blame yourself. Thousands of men never came back.’

  ‘B-but I couldn’t give him anything worth remembering, anything to want to come back for … I c-couldn’t love him!’

  ‘But you were both so young, and it takes two, you know. I expect Gerry was just as nervous and inexperienced. That doesn’t make you frigid.’

  ‘That’s what one of the men in Glasgow called me.’

  ‘Did you sleep with him?’

  ‘No! Certainly not. He was married. He thought I owed him a debt because he had helped me get a promotion.’

  ‘Good for you!’ Conan said and felt a surge of relief. He felt her tremble in his arms and he put a finger under her chin and raised her face to his.

  ‘I think it’s time we both put the past behind us and started again. The two of us?’ Fiona looked up at him then, her grey eyes scanning his face. ‘Is that the one thing you felt you were bad at, Fiona? The thing you wouldn’t tell me about?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Then just for once I really will be delighted to prove you wrong …’

  ‘Conan!’ Her eyes widened and for a moment Conan glimpsed something akin to panic in their depths but he bent his head and kissed her mouth, very gently. Slowly his lips moved to her throat and back to her lips. He felt her begin to relax a little and he lay back on the soft turf taking her with him, sensing her resistance, her lingering uncertainty.

  ‘I promise I’ll not do anything you don’t like, Fiona. I’ve learned my lesson too. I’d no idea it was so easy to get babies and if ever you and I have babies I would want to marry you first. Do you trust me?’

  ‘Y-yes, but I-I …’

  ‘Ssh …’ He covered her mouth with his. Slowly, deliberately he unfastened the buttons of her blouse and slid his hand inside, pushing aside the lacy cup of her bra before she could protest. He heard her gasp, felt her breathing quicken against his lips, but slowly she gave herself up to the pleasure of his touch, he felt the firmness of her breasts and delighted in her response as her nipples hardened beneath his fingers. Only when he moved to draw aside her skirt did she open her eyes.

  ‘Conan …’

  ‘Trust me, please …?’ he said huskily and covered her face with kisses, even as his fingers released the suspenders from her stockings and he pushed aside the soft material which barred his way. He heard her gasp aloud but he did not stop. He had to prove to her once and for all that she had all the feelings, all the depths and passion of a real woman. Only when she reared up and clung to him with something between a groan and a gasp of pure pleasure did he pause to look down into her face. Her lips were parted and he held her tightly against him so that she could not fail to feel his own desire.

  ‘Now tell me you’re frigid,’ he whispered, but she just shook her head wonderingly. She became aware of his own desire. ‘You – are you …?’ There was a question in her wide grey eyes.

  ‘Yes,’ he said gruffly. ‘Yes, I want you, just as much as the last time, but this is not the time, or the place.’

  ‘You’re not angry with me this time?’

  ‘No, my love, I’m not angry. A little frustrated maybe, but if you would promise to marry me and let me have all of you, it would make the waiti
ng more bearable …’ He raised his dark brows in a question and Fiona saw the passion in the blue-green depths of his eyes. She trembled against him.

  ‘Can you be so sure I shall not disappoint you?’

  ‘Oh yes! I just wish I could be as certain I shall not disappoint you, Fiona. I haven’t much to offer a wife yet, but I intend to make my business a success.’

  ‘All right, but can I just make one last bargain with you, Conan?’

  ‘What’s that?’ he asked warily.

  ‘Well, maybe two? The first is, will you let me build a house near the garage so that we can all live there together, and Lucy and I can help when you need us?’

  His brow darkened.

  ‘I have the money, and you know it would be better for Lucy,’ she pleaded. ‘Please, Conan, don’t let pride stand in the way. I expect we shall argue enough over little things. We always have, but this is the most important thing in our lives.’

  ‘What was the other thing?’ Conan asked before committing himself.

  ‘Oh … er,’ Fiona blushed rosily. ‘I want us to – to make love, just once before we marry. I want to be sure I can please you, satisfy you …’

  ‘Oh, I can say yes to that!’ Conan almost cheered aloud. ‘But I know beyond doubt that you’ll more than satisfy me, my love.’ He bent his head and kissed her and it was a long time before either of them spoke again.

  Lucy was ecstatic when Fiona and Conan told her they were going to be married.

  ‘It’s the very best thing that could happen to me, the thing I want most in all the world,’ she said gleefully and hugged them each in turn.

  ‘And will you be my bridesmaid, Lucy?’ Fiona asked, still scarcely able to believe in her own happiness.

  ‘Yes, please! Mum would have been so happy. She always thought you two made a lovely couple.’

  THE END

  Also by Gwen Kirkwood