Abstract Love

by Samantha Christy

  The message beeps and cuts him off. My chin is on the floor. A tear rolls down my cheek. I can’t speak past the lump in my throat so I hang up the phone. His voice. His voice sounds even better than I imagined. It’s deep and rough and as sexy as I’ve ever heard a man speak. His message was so long that it cut him off. Realization dawns on me and I shake my head as another tear comes out.

  He was cupping his breasts.

  He must have recorded that right before his surgery. My shaky fingers dial his number again. It’s almost as heart-wrenching to sit through the message a second time, but I commit to giving him a piece of my mind.

  “Jace, what the hell? You can’t just not show up for chemo! What is going on? You have me scared to death. If you don’t text me I’m going to think you are dead on the side of the road or something. Please text me back.” I hang up the phone and run into the bathroom to throw up.

  My bathroom is a shrine of sickness on Monday nights. There is a cooler full of ice, a few magazines, a pillow, a stool for me to sit on so that my knees don’t get sore when I’m retching over the toilet, and a few bottles of water—that I usually end up vomiting back up, but they feel good going down. Oh, and my phone so that I can listen to music to drown out my hurling. I get a couple of texts from Tanner, who moonlights at another bar on Monday’s because The Triple J is closed. He offered to stay with me, but after that first Monday, we realized if I brought everything in here that I would need, there wasn’t any reason for him to stay and watch me get sick over and over. But he still checks up on me and that is sweet of him.

  I’m about halfway into my Monday Madness, or so I’ve dubbed it, when I get a text. A text from Jace. I don’t know if I should rejoice or be pissed that it took him so long.

  Jace: Keri, I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t even think. Today was so messed up. Morgan broke up with me. She said she can’t take my being sick anymore. We had a big fight right before chemo when I went to ask her to come with me. Long story short, I threw my phone down and it broke. I just picked up a new one. I didn’t know you were so freaked out. I’m really sorry. You are probably getting horribly sick about now and I hate that. Oh, and don’t ever think you can’t text me. You can. Whenever you need to. I’m here for you. Rules don’t apply to us.

  I read his message three times. He is okay. Not dead on the side of a road. Not laid up in the hospital. Not even sick with the flu. Thank God.

  Rules don’t apply to us? What does that mean? Rules about not texting outside of chemo? Rules about him having feelings for me? Rules about calling if you miss chemo? I just don’t get it.

  Morgan broke up with him? I can’t imagine that. They’ve been together for what, five or six years and she goes and dumps him because he has cancer. Who does that? Sweet little Morgan. He painted such a good picture of her. She seemed so genuinely nice, bringing me coffee and giving me her number, asking me to look out for Jace.

  Morgan broke up with him! Even in my sickness a small voice shouts at me in my head. Yes!

  Wait, no. I can’t be excited about this. She broke up with him. She broke his heart and he is probably in a world of hurt. He smashed his phone because of her. He can’t get into another relationship. If he did, nothing good could come of it, it would be a rebound relationship. I’m nobody’s rebound girl.

  I hang my head. Why couldn’t he have broken up with her? No, this is not good. Another wave of nausea hits me and I’m down for the count for a few more hours.

  Later in bed, exhaustion sets in, but I tap out a reply to Jace anyway.

  Me: Glad you’re okay. Don’t let it happen again. What are you going to do about your missed cycle?

  I press send and then sleep pulls me under.

  ~ ~ ~

  In the morning, I sleep late and wake up to see that Jace sent a few texts. One from last night and another from earlier this morning.

  Jace: I’ll call tomorrow and see if they can fit me in. I’m glad you are not so sick that you couldn’t text me back. Try to get some good sleep.

  Jace: I wanted you to know that I’m in for chemo this morning. They wanted to get me right in so that I could stay on schedule. Is there any more news about Steven? Stacy isn’t here today.

  I send him back a message telling him about Steven. Then I wonder if there is another young woman in his session today. Someone like me. Someone that he connects with, that he likes to text and that will ‘get’ his paintings. I drag myself out of bed and go in for a shower to wash off the sickness from last night. The entire time I worry that he is texting someone else, someone prettier, funnier and not with a tainted past. What if he switches to Tuesdays for his last few sessions? I realize I’m acting like a jealous girlfriend and swear not to think of it again when I pick up my phone to see several missed texts from Jace. A big smile spreads across my face.

  Jace: Oh, Keri. That’s awful. I’m sorry to hear that. But he was very sick. That won’t happen to us. We should send something to his family. No wonder you were so freaked out when I didn’t show up.

  Jace: Keri, are you there?

  Jace: I was kind of hoping you would keep me company. It’s not the same as you being here, but I’ll take it.

  I check the time of the last text. It was only ten minutes ago. I look at my clock and it’s ten thirty which means he probably still has at least an hour left. I start to tap on the keys of my phone.

  ~ ~ ~

  When Tanner gets home, he gives me the third degree about my interaction with Jace this morning. I show him the texts of course and it takes him about ten minutes to read through all of them. We talked the whole rest of his session, making my fingers go numb. They were all very benign. No flirting. No crossing boundaries. No mention of Morgan. Just two friends passing the time. I’m amazed at how much we could find to talk about when his ex-girlfriend and both our parents were not topics of conversation.

  “So what are you going to do now?” Tanner asks.

  “About what?”

  He gives me a ‘duh’ look. “About Jace. What are you going to do about him? He’s suddenly very available. Oh, and look . . . so are you!”

  I roll my eyes at him. “No way, Tan. We’re talking about a guy who was so distraught, that he missed chemo and didn’t even call to let anyone know. That’s the first rule . . . and he forgot. And he smashed his phone. She broke up with him after six years and he smashed his phone. That is not a guy who wants a new girlfriend.”

  “So, you aren’t going to be jealous if he goes out and gets laid to get over her?” He raises an eyebrow at me.

  “Gee, thanks. As if I weren’t screwed up enough over the Morgan thing, now I have to worry about every other red-blooded girl on the planet.” I blow out a big breath.

  “Nah . . . he probably won’t tell you about it if he does, so don’t worry your pretty little head.”

  I throw a couch pillow at him.

  Then I go back to my room, lie down on my bed and worry about Jace going out to find some one-night-stand to get over Morgan. When did I become so jealous, petty and insecure?

  Oh, right—the same damn day he spilled his latte all over my favorite jeans.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The first thing I notice about Jace when he walks through the clinic doors, other than the fact that he is sans baseball cap, is that he looks really good. He’s obviously put on weight. He’s still not filling out his shirt, but I’d guess he’s put on about half the weight that he had lost. It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen him. I can’t stop staring at him while Stacy gets him all situated. Then I get a little sad. After today, he only has one more cycle. One more chance for me to see him and share this connection that we have.

  Then I selfishly think about my own last session that is a week after his. I will be so lonely without him keeping me company. If Tanner hadn’t taken last Monday morning off to come with me, I might even ask him to come, but I can’t do it now. He needs that job. Even though I haven’t had to use my credit cards yet, we are still
barely scraping by with the rent after paying all my bills, even the ones that weren’t as much as I thought they would be.

  Jace: Hey. It’s great to see you after two long weeks. You’re looking good.

  Long weeks? Does he mean that the weeks were long because he didn’t see me or because of what he’s been through with Morgan? I could go crazy trying to figure him out. If he were only as clear to me as his paintings are.

  Me: You, too. How are you? I mean, are you doing okay?

  Jace: Are you asking about my health or my breakup with Morgan?

  I’m not sure how to answer that, especially when deep down, I’m celebrating the fact that they haven’t gotten back together since we last spoke. I guess I want to know about both, but I can clearly see that he is looking better, so it must be obvious that I’m asking about Morgan. But I don’t want to upset him. On the other hand, I really want to know how he’s dealing with it. Do I even have the right to ask? I mean, I’m not sure what the boundaries of our relationship are. I know we texted early last week, but that was just because he missed his appointment. He didn’t contact me after that. He is still basically keeping me within the confines of the clinic.

  Jace: We’re friends aren’t we?

  Me: What?

  Jace: I consider us to be friends. I know that we just talk when we are here, but we’ve become friends, right? And as friends, you can ask me anything. Go ahead, I know you want to.

  Me: Okay then, friend. I can see that you look healthier today. I’m glad for that. But, yes, I want to know how you are doing after your breakup.

  Jace: I won’t lie and say it’s been easy. We were together for years, and friends before that. She’s keeping her distance. My parents are livid, they told me I have to do whatever it takes to get her back. But what’s the point if she can’t deal with all of this? I think that maybe she’ll come around once chemo is done and I start getting stronger and looking normal again.

  I think of how I had Morgan pegged all wrong. She seemed like such a sweetheart, but what kind of woman leaves a long-time love when he’s down? And after what he just said, it sounds like he will go back to her if she decides she wants him again. I can’t help but close my eyes in disappointment. I’m not even sure that I’m disappointed for myself, knowing that he won’t be available, but I can’t imagine spending your life with someone who runs in the other direction when life gets tough. What about ‘in sickness and in health’ and all that? If they got married, was she planning on leaving that out of their wedding vows?

  Jace: I know what you are thinking, Keri. But don’t. Morgan is a great girl. It’s just that some people aren’t capable of handling things like this. She’s not as strong as you are. But that doesn’t make her a bad person.

  He’s defending the woman that just stomped all over his heart. The woman he loves but that left him in his greatest time of need. The woman he will take back the minute she comes calling. My heart sinks. I know I didn’t expect to live happily ever after with the guy, but I guess I thought that maybe, eventually, we might have something. I have to push my feelings aside. He says we are friends. I can do friends. Like I told Kimberly weeks ago, if that is the only part of him I can have, I’ll take it. It will just have to be enough.

  Me: I’m sorry you are going through this. I mean, having cancer is bad enough without having to cope with a breakup. I’m sure things will all work out for the best.

  Jace: Thanks, I hope so.

  Me: So Tanner showed up last week. He wanted to meet you.

  His eyes snap up to meet mine and he raises his eyebrows while a smile overtakes his face.

  Jace: Oh, really? And why would Tanner take time off to do that?

  Oh, crap. I didn’t even think about what I said before texting him. Why would Tanner want to show up here and meet Jace if I hadn’t been talking about him a lot? I try to come up with an excuse when my phone vibrates.

  Jace: It’s the bald head, isn’t it? Chicks dig it. And the clean-shaven look 24/7 . . . ahhh, the benefits of chemo. I mean, why wouldn’t you tell your roommate how you can’t keep your eyes off me? And when I wear Kimberly’s cap, I mean watch out—People Magazine hottest man of the year!

  I’m turning three shades of red as he teases me. Then I laugh at his ridiculous comments. And I marvel at the way he remembers Kimberly’s name, even though we only talked about her once, weeks ago. Then I pull up the picture I took of him wearing Kimberly’s cap. I think I’ve looked at this picture a hundred times. It’s what gets me through Monday Madness. I prop my phone up on the edge of the tub and stare at his silly picture. And when I feel like I’m about to die if I vomit one more time, I think about the man who has lost all his hair and had a feeding tube surgically implanted in his stomach; all after a doctor cut out a portion of his vocal cords. Yes, he is the thing that gets me through. Not Tanner’s texts, not knowing that I may come out of this with my breasts fully intact. Him, he is my inspiration.

  Jace: Hello? Earth to Keri.

  Me: Sorry. Well, he kind of looks at my texts. All of them. All the time. He has no boundaries.

  Jace: Have you met my sister? They sound like kindred spirits those two.

  I laugh. I thought the same thing when I first met Jules.

  Me: I know, right? Anyway, he just wanted to meet you. He’s kind of like an over-protective brother.

  Jace: Brother, huh?

  Oh, right. I guess I still haven’t told him that Tanner is gay. I contemplate not saying anything, but it really doesn’t matter in the overall scheme of things. Despite what Jules has told me, he doesn’t want me. He couldn’t possibly sit around and contemplate texting me. He only wants Morgan. He said it himself, we are just friends.

  Me: Didn’t I ever mention that Tanner is gay?

  He closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. Then he looks up at me and he stares at me with pursed lips as he types out his reply.

  Jace: No. No, you failed to mention that. So when can I meet him?

  Me: Well, he can’t come back here. He already took last Monday morning off and he can’t miss any more time away from his temp job or they will fire him.

  I look over at him as guilt washes over his face. I know he feels terrible for missing his appointment, especially after finding out about Steven. I wonder if he will ever know how completely wrecked I was when he didn’t show.

  Me: But you could always come to The Triple J some night to meet him. We work every weekend night together.

  He looks uncomfortable with what I just said. Stupid me, does he think I’m asking him to hang out with me socially?

  Me: Or he works Tuesday and Thursday without me if you wanted to pop in to meet him.

  Jace: Why would I possibly want to meet him when you aren’t around to introduce us? I would love to stop by and see you work. I’ll just have to check my schedule.

  Me: Okay, great. He’ll be happy to meet you.

  I’m silently basking in the new knowledge that I will get to see him at least one time outside of these walls. I wonder if that will open up the door to seeing him other places.

  Jace: Do you want to hang out with me for a while when we’re done here today? You know, to enjoy our last moments of feeling okay before we want to crawl in a hole for the rest of the night?

  I’m still reeling over the fact that he has said he will come into the club. And now he wants to do something today? My heart leaps for joy. But at the same time, I know that nothing can come of this, other than a friendship, so I try to keep myself from getting too excited. Can I be with him, in a much closer proximity than we are now, without having my heart break? Without falling even more for him? No, I’m not sure this is such a good idea.

  Me: I’m not sure that is a good idea.

  His face falls.

  Jace: It’s just coffee, Keri. There is a place around the corner we can walk to. It’s quiet and they make a killer latte. Come on.

  So even though I know it will hurt my heart. Even though I know he can never be
mine because his heart belongs to another, I can’t imagine him falling out of my life in a few short weeks.

  Me: I guess a coffee would be nice. Doesn’t it make you sick anymore?

  Jace: Nope, not anymore. That was only when my stomach was empty and I couldn’t keep food down. I’m better now.

  Jace gets pulled into a conversation with John and they end up ‘talking’ the rest of the session. But he still sends me a text every so often to let me know he’s not ignoring me. That tugs at my heartstrings just a little bit more.

  I’m walking out of the clinic with Melanie when we see Jace sitting on the bench outside the building. Jace stands up and walks towards us and Melanie winks at me while heading for her car. It’s not what she thinks. I know everyone in the clinic thinks that Jace and I have something going on. They are sorely mistaken, but I think they all are amused by it and if it helps make their time at chemo a little bit better, then who am I to set them straight?

  Jace motions for me to follow him. We walk away from the parking lot where he leads us to a paved path that winds around a building. On the other side of the building is a small coffee shop. It is quite out of the way and I didn’t even realize it was here.