Abstract Love

by Samantha Christy

  Somehow, some way, we end up driving back to Jace’s loft a short time later. I lose track of time as I keep re-playing Dr. Olsen’s words in my head along with re-living what happened in the moments after. I call Tanner to give him the incredible news. But the adrenaline and the high still course through my veins as we race up the stairs to his loft. He opens the door and I throw my bag on the entry table as he picks me up and carries me over by the couch to finish what we started at the doctor’s office. He puts me down in front of him and stares at me for a long minute. He cups my face with his hands and looks into my eyes. We stare at each other so long I think I can actually see his soul. When he finally lowers his face to kiss me, I feel like I’m being re-born. Like I’ve been lost my entire life and in this moment of clarity, I’ve been found. When his lips softly touch mine, my heart explodes with insurmountable joy and my skin tingles with excitement. After only moments of kissing, I’m already addicted to the taste of his lips and the smell of his breath mingling with mine. I know there isn’t another man in the world that could feed this addiction.

  When his lips part mine and I open for him, our tongues weave a web of tangled pleasure as our hands explore each other’s faces, necks and hair. He is so careful not to touch the stitches in the back of my head, but I have no such boundaries with his. His hair is just long enough now that my fingers can twist through it and tug on it, eliciting a whispered moan from Jace’s throat. He breaks our kiss and starts to explore my neck with his lips, planting a trail of kisses up each side of it to right beneath my ears, stopping to lick and suck on a spot that makes me quiver and produce my own pleasurable sounds.

  I try to quiet the voice in my head. The one that is telling me that I still don’t know where Jace’s heart is and that I might end up hurt. The voice that screams I don’t belong in his bed or his world. It tells me that I could never measure up to the kind of woman it would take to be on his arm forever. That his mother would never even give me the time of day and his friends may never accept me in their lives. There are a million reasons why I shouldn’t be doing this. Why I shouldn’t allow him to crawl any deeper inside my soul than he already is. A million reasons why I should walk away. But there is one reason that keeps my hands wandering his body, my lips tasting his mouth. And it’s the one reason that I decide will trump all the others. I love him.

  I pull away from him and let him know with my eyes that he’s won. That I’ve let down every single defense I’ve had. I know he understands my message. I know that he gets me. He has always gotten me, from the day he spilled that latte all over my favorite jeans. And I get him. We are connected by a bond that nobody can sever. We can communicate without words. I don’t need his words. I don’t need anything but him and now. I rise up on my toes and whisper in his ear, “I want you, Jace.”

  He tightens his grip on my hips and lowers his mouth to my ear. “Oh, Keri,” he whispers, as he eases us down onto the couch behind us. He pulls me onto his lap and I lean over and explore his face with my lips while my hands continue the assault on his hair. I tenderly kiss the scar on his neck. It is a part of him and I love it just as I love the rest of his magnificent body. He runs his hands up and down my sides as his quickened breath flows across my face. In a bold move I reach down and pull the hem of my shirt up and over my head.

  Jace stops breathing for a second. He stares at my breasts with blinking eyes, admiring the very things that caused me such pain in the months before. When I reach around to unclasp my bra and release them from their confinement, his breath hitches. He brings his hands up to cup them. He caresses them gently at first and then kneads them, gradually increasing the pressure as desire builds inside him. He pulls my head down so that my ear is to his mouth and he whispers, “They are lovely, Keri.” And then he kisses that place beneath my ear and whispers, “But you would be beautiful even without them.”

  The world falls away as I give my heart to him as I have no other. I want him on me, I want him in me. I want to be as close to him as two people can get without being one person. I can feel his arousal pressing into me as I straddle him, and I instinctively grind my hips against him causing both of us to close our eyes in shared euphoria.

  I run my hands all over his chest, feeling every ridge, every ripple. I untuck his shirt and pull it over his head. Then I continue my exploration of every inch of bare skin on his torso while he continues his own pleasurable torture on mine. He tugs on my nipples and a moan escapes my throat followed by, “Oh God, Jace.”

  I reach my hand down to the button of his jeans, but he grabs it. He clasps my hands in his, taking them around my back as he wraps his arms around me. He whispers to me, “Let’s go slow.”

  “Jace, I want you. We’ve waited so long. I want this. It’s okay,” I beg him.

  He closes his eyes and gently helps me off his lap and onto the cushion next to him. Then, before he pulls out his phone, he leans over to trail more kisses up my neck to assure me that I’m not being rejected.

  Jace: Believe me, Keri, I want this, too. More than anything. I want you more than anything. But I think we should take it slow. A lot has happened this week. Today. We have all these emotions flying around and I want to make sure we do this for the right reasons. I want you to be sure.

  “I’m sure, Jace,” I say to him, still breathing heavily and riding waves of want and passion.

  Jace: And I am too. So, if we are so sure, then we will still be sure tomorrow, or the next day. There’s no need to rush this.

  I nod my head at him and reach down to the floor to retrieve my bra and our shirts. As I put mine back on, I know that he is right. I know my emotions are out of control right now. I just found out my tumor is gone. I’ve recently had a brush with death. That’s a lot to process in the course of a few days. No matter how much I wanted to and would have continued down the path we were on tonight, he has endeared himself to me even more with his willpower and wisdom. “Okay. You’re right. I know you’re right. There is no need to rush this.” I reach over and place a kiss on his cheek as I run my hand down the prickly stubble. “But if I can’t have you, I’m keeping the shirt.”

  Jace: It’s yours. But Keri, I have to take you home. I don’t trust myself now that I’ve seen what I’ll be missing, now that I’ve had a good long taste of you. If you stay, I won’t be able to keep my hands off you. So even though I want you to stay, I want you to stay more than you know, I’m going to drive you home now.

  I smile as I tuck my top into my pants. Jace nods to the bathroom and holds up his finger for me to give him a minute. I walk over and gather my purse from the entry hall table. That’s when I see it. A pretty pink envelope addressed to Jace with a heart drawn in the corner. It isn’t sealed, the flap is merely tucked in, so I decide, in a very un-Keri-like moment, to peek inside of it. I open it just enough to see the closing words and the signature.

  Please come back to me. I love you, Morgan.

  I panic. I close the envelope and stash it away in my purse before Jace walks down the hall, smiling and completely oblivious to what I’ve just fallen upon. I try to look happy and smile brightly back at him, but my heart has splintered and the shards are stabbing my insides.

  Jace mistakes my behavior for sexual frustration when he texts me.

  Jace: Keri, don’t worry, it will happen. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything so much in my life.

  He gives me one last passionate, earth-shattering kiss before he walks me downstairs and drives me home.

  Chapter Thirty

  I open a bottle of wine. I figure I’m going to need it when I sit down to read the letter. Tanner has a shift at the club so it’s just me. Just me and the love letter from Morgan. The letter I stole from Jace’s vestibule. The letter she obviously placed inside his loft by using a key she still possesses.

  Today has been such a roller-coaster ride for me. First it was the anxiety leading up to my appointment, then the incredible news that my tumor is gone, and then the aftermath of
it with Jace. And now, I fear this letter will send the roller-coaster spiraling down to a fiery death while I sit in the very front seat.

  I take a large gulp of wine and I remove the letter from the envelope. I close my eyes and take a calming breath. Then I read.

  My dearest Jace,

  Words cannot express what I felt when I saw you the other day when you were leaving the hospital. I didn’t even realize I missed you this much until I saw your face. I have tried to stay away. I have tried to push my feelings for you aside knowing I don’t deserve to ask you for a second chance. I hurt you. I hurt you so deeply during a time when you needed my support. My harsh words were inexcusable. My actions were unforgivable. But I’m asking you anyway. Forgive me. Love me. Let me back into your life.

  I miss you. I miss your parents. I miss Sunday morning walks in the park and Wednesday night ice-cream runs. I’ve even found myself going to animal shelters to find that one perfect dog that you always talked about rescuing.

  Do you remember when we were seven years old and we would play dress-up and pretend to get married? We said always and forever—that’s how long we would be together. Even when I went away to boarding school and you went away to college and we couldn’t be together. Even when we dated other people, I never could really see myself with anyone else.

  I’m begging you to give me another chance to be the woman you know I can be. I can be stronger for you. I promise I will never give you another reason to doubt me.

  Please come back to me. I love you.

  Morgan

  I drop the letter like it will burn me. Then I chug the rest of my wine and pour another glass. When Tanner gets home, he finds me next to an empty bottle of wine along with the letter that is exactly where I dropped it hours ago.

  He hugs me with excitement because, of course, he thinks I’m celebrating the news that I called him about earlier today. But when he sees my tears and the direction of my gaze, he picks up the letter and reads it.

  “Oh, Keri. Did he show you this? What is he going to do? Did he blow you off?”

  “He hasn’t even seen it, Tan. I stole it from his entry table when I saw it after we almost made love.” He holds up his finger and runs into the kitchen to grab another bottle of wine and a glass for himself. Then I tell him everything that happened right up until he walked in the door.

  “Why are you so upset? Do you think he will go back to her, after the day you had? He practically declared his love for you. He said he never wanted anything so much in his life. Well, Morgan was a pretty big part of his life and he just said he wanted you more. There’s your answer. He chooses you.” He pats my leg and holds out the bottle to refill my glass.

  “But he didn’t know she wanted him back when he said all those things. It’s different now, he has a choice to make when he didn’t earlier. I was his only choice then. I won by default, Tan.”

  He stays up for hours with me, hearing me out and giving me advice on what to do. I love Jace, that’s for sure. She loves him, too. They have Sunday morning walks and Wednesday night ice-cream. They have a long history together. They got pretend-married at age seven for heaven’s sake. How do I compete with that?

  ~ ~ ~

  I think I fell asleep from exhaustion somewhere around four in the morning. I tried to come up with reasons to fight for him and then I tried to rationalize walking away. I even prayed for a sign. Something . . . anything to let me know how I should proceed.

  Today should be a happy day. I should be celebrating my prognosis. But instead there is a letter on my coffee table. It’s a small thing, but it carries the weight of the world as I contemplate what to do with it. Jace is out of town on foundation business all day. Do I sneak back over and leave the letter for him? He deserves to read it. It was unfair of me to take it from the loft. He would be so upset with me if he knew I was this underhanded. I’m pulled from the world of will-I-or-won’t-I when my phone rings. I see an unfamiliar number on the screen and decide to answer it.

  “Hello?”

  “Keri, this is Mrs. Jarrett, Jace’s mother.”

  “Oh, yes ma’am. What can I do for you?” Oh, God, why is Jace’s mother calling me? If she is calling to reprimand me again for the way I spent her money, I don’t know if I can take it. Would Jace be upset if I hung up on his mother?

  “Well, it comes down to what you can do for my son, dear. You see, it has recently come to my attention that he may have feelings for you and that you might share those feelings.”

  “Yes ma’am.” What is she getting at? My hands shake and my breathing accelerates.

  “Well, I also happen to know that his girlfriend, Morgan, would like very much to get back together with him.”

  It’s not lost on me that she called her his girlfriend, not his ex-girlfriend. I brace myself for what is going to come next. She needs something from me. I know exactly what is coming. I implore myself to hang up so that I don’t hear it. If I don’t hear the words, I don’t have to acknowledge that this is the sign I was praying for just hours ago. But instead of hanging up I say, “What does that have to do with me, Mrs. Jarrett?”

  “Well, if you are the saint that my son says you are, I have to believe that you will do what is in his best interest and graciously walk away. Allow him to live the life that he was destined for. To marry someone of social status and means that will allow his foundation to grow. His foundation will help countless children with their combined resources. What could you possibly bring to the table? It’s my understanding that you are a kind-hearted person who helps children. Well, Keri, if my son marries Morgan, she will bring insurmountable wealth to his foundation. You wouldn’t want to keep all that wealth from your precious Freeway house or that Angel home would you? My son and Morgan have been destined to marry since they were small children. I know you feel a connection with him because you both have cancer. But, Keri, once that isn’t an issue, if you both get better, what will you have then? A strong relationship needs a foundation, a history to build upon. He has that with Morgan. You and Jace don’t have it. You couldn’t possibly fit into his world. Morgan does. She belongs with him. If you love my son, please do the right thing and walk away.”

  I can’t talk past the lump in my throat. Past the tears pouring from my eyes. I knew what she was going to ask, but I didn’t think she would make such a compelling argument. “I h-have t-to go,” I stutter. I don’t even wait for her reply as I hang up the phone.

  I stare at the ceiling for hours, thinking of the words in Morgan’s letter and I know what I have to do. I pick up the phone, my finger lingering over Jace’s name. I contemplate simply texting him, but I have to hear his voice. I have to hear it one more time. The voice I have craved for so long but have kept myself from.

  I let myself think, one final time, how perfect yesterday was. The feel of his lips on my lips and his hands on my body was better than I could have imagined; better than in my dreams. He whispered all the right things to me, things I wanted to hear, things he had alluded to before. Things that I refused to succumb to until last night. He was so gentle, not pushing me for more than he thought I could handle after the up-and-down week I had been through. I know I would have let him make love to me if he hadn’t stopped us, saying we needed to wait to be certain we were sure. To make our first time special.

  That’s why making this call will be hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I don’t fit into his world. Morgan, she fits in. She is the one he belongs with, the one who is perfect for him. I guess I knew it all along, I just didn’t allow myself to believe it. Not until I got that phone call this morning. I love him too much to make him spend his life with me, with someone who is not his equal.

  I dial his number, resolving to get through my message without breaking into sobs. He has to understand that I mean what I say. It is the only way this will work. As I listen to the sound of his voice for only the second time in my life, tears well up in my eyes and my broken heart falls from my chest out onto the floor, to
be trampled on by my own feet.

  I take a deep breath and tell him what I must. “Jace, it’s Keri. I’ve done a lot of thinking and I’ve decided that being with you is not good for me. Maybe you just waited too long to say the things you did. I’ve realized that you are not who I need to become the person I want to be. I’m cured and I got what I wanted from you, for you to pay my bills. Last night was a mistake. But it doesn’t matter anymore because you couldn’t give me what I needed so I went out and found someone who could. Someone who is right for me. Someone who is better for me that you are. I’ve made my decision. Go back to Morgan. Please don’t contact me ever again.”

  As I hang up the phone, sealing my fate with my lies, tears stream down my cheeks and fall onto the shirt I hold in my hands. The shirt with his scent on it. The shirt I will never launder as long as I live.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  I dry my tears. I have things to accomplish this afternoon. I quickly head over to Jace’s and slip the card from Morgan under his door. Then I contact Austin and Jordan from the club and get them to cover my two shifts this week, assuming I will still even have a job there once Jace gets my message. Then I pack a bag and go to Freeway. I tell Chaz that Jace and I had a falling out, and that I’m volunteering for all of the overnights this week so that I’m not at home where he will expect me. Just in case he was to go looking for me.

  But as I lie here in bed at Freeway, one week later, I realize how unnecessary all of that was as Jace never contacted me. Not even once. He never texted me, never knocked on my door, never sent an inquiry. Just as I requested. Not only that, but I haven’t heard from Jules either. She became a casualty of war. I never intended for that to happen, but it makes perfect sense that she remain loyal to her brother and not the back-stabbing never-was girlfriend that he befriended.