by Kimi Flores
Thankfully, Dad had seen something in me, and I had confidence for the first time in my life. He and the field workers took the time to teach me so many things about the vineyard, all the while having no idea how shitty my life was at home.
Still lost in my reverie, I arranged the olive oil samples we also offered our guests.
Thank God for Samuel and Dad.
That fall, Edwin was busted for dealing narcotics, and as soon as he made bail, mom split town with him. At that point, he’d kept her so hyped up on drugs, she hadn’t even given a second thought to the fact that she'd discarded her only child. It destroyed me knowing she hadn’t thought I was worth fighting her addiction for.
When I’d woken up that Thanksgiving morning and realized I’d been ditched in our rundown apartment, I couldn’t believe it. I’d felt pushed to the side by her long before she’d disappeared, but it had taken a while for me to accept the fact that she’d completely abandoned me.
The utilities and water had already been turned off due to nonpayment weeks before, so once the donated canned food in our cupboards had run out, I headed to the only place I felt like I had the potential to survive.
Looking up from my task, I sighed thoughtfully. I’d never forget the look on Dad’s face when I’d showed up on his doorstep and told him what had happened. He’d been furious at my mother and heartbroken that I hadn’t come to him sooner.
I had also seen an underlying expression in his eyes that day. Later, I realized it was hope. My father had never married nor had any children of his own, so our bond had been immediate and unbreakable. We needed each other and, although the legal part of my adoption had been a nightmare, we’d pushed through it. Together. During my teenage years, I prayed every day that my mom didn’t come to her senses and try to reclaim a child she’d never wanted in the first place, just so she could get government assistance.
Through all the red tape and headaches, Dad never made me feel like I wasn’t worth it. On the contrary, he’d assured me that I brought value to his life and he’d do anything in order for me to legally become his son.
Despite being deserted by my only birth parent, I’d been given opportunities in life that not many people had and there wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t remind myself to be grateful.
Now that Dad was getting older, and after all the shit I’d put him through, before and after marrying Tori, I had vowed to do whatever it took to make his life easier. I’d been asked a million times by different people why I wasn’t married and didn’t have children. Nobody understood how Dad could be my one priority, but I’d already tried the whole family thing and, not only had it ended in a fiasco, but Dad suffered in the process.
I’d accepted that it just wasn’t my destiny to be a husband or father. Dani was the only person that had ever made me question my resolve, but I just couldn’t take her down a path I had no freaking clue how to make work. Hell, I couldn’t even handle a fling I’d recently had with an old high school girlfriend, let alone a full-blown romantic relationship with Dani.
She wanted—and deserved—so many things that scared the shit out of me. But damn did I love her. Not only did her voluptuous curves set my blood on fire but I’d never known a more compassionate woman before. It didn’t matter what she had going on, she’d never hesitated to drop it all if dad or I needed her. I’d willingly do the same for her, but because of my past behavior, I doubted she’d believe that.
I’d tried so hard not to hurt her, but the look on her face that morning told me I’d damaged much more than our friendship.
It was both a curse and a blessing when she was around. I savored the time I got to spend with her, but it was painful to feel how standoffish she was with me. I’d done that to us, and I felt so guilty and regretful about misleading her. I needed to make things right.
I used to be the one she ran to when she needed a shoulder to cry on or a friend to hang out with. Now she didn’t want to have anything to do with me, and who could blame her?
Before everything got all screwed up, she came over to talk to me the night she’d found out both Leah and Bri were pregnant. She’d cried endless tears in my arms most of the night, saying that’s what was missing in her life—a husband and children. The defeated look on her face nearly tore my heart to shreds, and I’d wished more than anything I could give her those things. But I just couldn’t and I never wanted her to push those desires aside for me. That wouldn't be fair to her.
No.
As much as it sucked standing in my doorway, watching her drive off to spend the evening with another guy last week, she deserved to be free to chase after her own dreams.
For now, I had to man up and do whatever it took to fix the mess I’d made. Even if that meant talking to her about Tori. I missed her coming over just to hang out. She had stopped by a few times this past week to check on Dad but left as soon as she was done. I needed to figure out what it would take to get things back to the way they were.
Lowering my head, I closed my eyes as Buddy came up and licked my fingers. I could tell he missed Stella. He looked for her every time Dani showed up. When he realized she wasn’t here, he’d whine before snorting disapprovingly and trotting away.
I got down on my knees, pet his fluffy ears, and brought his face to mine. "How do I fix this?"
His deep brown eyes stared back before he opened his mouth to pant. I grimaced and waved my hand in front of my face. "Pee-yew, Buddy." I kissed the top of his snout and stood up. "Come on, let's get something in that mouth that smells better than whatever you chowed on." He was notorious for eating the most rancid things he could find.
He followed along as I made my way to the freezer in the back and pulled out a few rolled oat and mint dog treats I made yesterday. Tossing them in the air, I watched him jump and catch each one.
Pulling the refrigerator door open, I bent forward and checked to make sure everything was ready to be prepared for brunch. Dad often teased me about being overly picky, but people came to our vineyard for more than just the wine. They expected excellent food, fine wine, and a memorable experience. I was meticulous about making sure they received all three.
The stacked boxes by the door caught my eye and gave me an idea. I glimpsed at my watch and saw that it was only eight in the morning. I hoped Dani was already awake.
With sweaty palms, I pulled my cell out of my pocket and dialed her number. My heart beat harder with every ring.
She answered in a rough, sleepy, sexy as hell voice. “Hey. Is your dad okay?”
My throat went dry. That was a bittersweet way for her to answer the phone. I loved that she cared so deeply about my father, but she used to answer my calls in a flirty tone and ask about me first.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah. He’s having trouble sleeping, but the bronchitis is a lot better.”
She grunted as though she was stretching then yawned. “Yeah, that's normal. He slept a lot when he was sick and now his body is trying to readjust itself.”
Holding the phone between my ear and shoulder, I wiped my hands on my jean-covered thighs. “I’m sorry I woke you. I needed to ask you something before it gets busy here.”
She took her time before answering. “Okay.”
“I’m making a delivery to Santa Barbara tomorrow, and I was hoping we could get together and—talk. About something.” I paced back and forth, hoping she didn’t turn me down.
She was quiet for a minute. I should’ve come up with a more solid plan before calling. Finally, she said, “Why’re you making a delivery on your day off?”
I gulped, touched that she remembered I always take Mondays and Tuesdays off work. Clearing the lump in my throat, I said, “This shipment is going to a restaurant that a buddy of mine owns. We went to culinary school together, and I like to hand deliver his wine.”
“Are we meeting to only talk about your dad?” She questioned, sounding guarded.
Shit. I couldn’t lie to her. “Mostly.” It wasn’t a lie. This
last week while Dad had been sick, he’d needed more care than usual and it had made me realize it was time to get some regular help.
She puffed out a breath of air. “I work the graveyard shift tonight, but I can meet you at, say, eight a.m. tomorrow for a quick bite before I come home and sleep?”
“That works for me. How about Scarlett’s on Victoria Street?” I waited, praying she’d pick up on the sentiment behind the suggestion.
“Oh yeah, I love that place.” I could practically hear her smile over the phone.
Suddenly, I heard a groggy, deep voice. “Why’re you awake so early? Didn’t I wear you out last night?” Then a dark chuckle.
A ball formed in the pit of my stomach.
Fuck, that stung like a bitch. Her words from months ago replayed in my head like an old tape recording. She’d told me she would move on but that didn’t make this any easier.
“I gotta go,” Dani said, sounding nervous now. “See you tomorrow.”
The call ended before I had a chance to respond.
I really wanted to be content with the fact that she was doing what was right for her. But this very small, incredibly selfish part of me wished I was the one waking up beside her. Keeping her in limbo wasn’t fair to her though since I wasn’t sure I’d ever be strong enough to let her in to see the painful burden I still lugged around from the past.
So instead, I’d have to stand on the sidelines and let her be. No matter how much it hurt.
Chapter Three
Dani
As I ended my call with Zachary, Eric headed into the bathroom, naked and strutting, completely unashamed of his body. Not that he had anything to be ashamed of, but I couldn’t help that he wasn’t the one I wanted walking around my place, bare ass naked.
I placed my hand on my forehead and looked up at the ceiling.
What the hell am I doing and how did this guy manipulate his way into staying at my place for over a week now?
Most days I felt like I’d conquered my insecurities and the need to have some random guy in my life then, I’d turn around to find another asshole shacking up at my place, rent-free. I’d criticized Zachary of avoiding his feelings by throwing himself into work, but I did the same thing. Only my distraction came in the form of some jackass taking advantage of me.
I’m worth more than that, dammit! And this unhealthy cycle had to stop.
Eric came back into the room with his jeans on as he pulled a t-shirt over his head. “I’ve gotta make an appearance at the coffee shop today to get my brother off my ass. Can I borrow your truck?”
Be strong. His problems are not yours.
I shook my head against the pillow. “No. I have to go visit a few patients later.”
Irritated, he rubbed the back of his neck. “When? I can be back by the time you have to leave.”
I sat up and swiped my hair over my shoulder, forcing myself not to make eye contact. There was no way I would crumble to this guy. “I have to run errands. I need it all day.”
“Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do?” He threw his hands in the air and stared at me like it was my fault. He was the twenty-seven-year-old man who didn’t own a car.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Call a cab or something.”
He gritted his teeth. “It’s over a thirty-mile drive to Santa Ynez. That’s like forty bucks each way.”
Each way? Oh, hell no. I needed to make sure he wasn't coming back. Especially after the way he’d treated me just hours ago.
When I’d gotten home from my late night shift, he’d been completely knocked out. I was thankful as I carefully crawled into bed. Unfortunately, he’d woken up, began groping me and I’d stupidly given in. There was nothing romantic about his rough and cruel touch, but I’d been so shocked by his behavior I hadn’t told him to stop. I’d just wanted it to be over so I could go to sleep.
He’d left the room afterward, so I was surprised when I found him next to me this morning. I really needed to make sure he was gone.
“Fine,” I ground out. “I’ll give you a ride there.” And say goodbye for the last time. “Give me fifteen minutes.”
I closed and locked the bathroom door behind me. My forehead scrunched up as I took in the sight of the dark hand-shaped bruises on my thighs. “What the hell?” I glanced in the mirror, tugging the hem of my shirt up and the waistband of my cotton sleep shorts down.
The contrast between my tanned skin and the deep purple marks on my hips, the top of my breasts, and upper arms where he’d gripped me were unmistakable. I’d been sore last night when he was done, but I’d gone to the bathroom in the dark, too ashamed to look into my own eyes in the mirror. I’d just done my business and put my pajamas back on.
I was no saint and had been with plenty of men who’d left discrete hickeys behind, but none of them had ever bruised me like this before.
With a scowl, I turned on the shower, pissed at myself for falling back into old habits. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do this anymore. I’d come so far this last year. I knew it had something to do with the fact that the eighteenth anniversary of my father’s death was coming up. I always leaned toward self-destructive choices this time of year because I just didn’t want to be alone so close to his anniversary. I’d prepared for this year, though. I had been on track. Then thoughts of Zachary had scattered my resolve.
Subconsciously, after I’d made sure Zachary knew I was leaving to see another man last week, I’d hoped he would fight for me. It was childish to think that way, though. I wasn’t a damsel in distress. But dammit, sometimes a girl just wanted the man she was in love with to bust down the door and rescue her, even if it was from herself. Instead, he wanted to go to breakfast and talk about his dad.
Although I’d gone to plenty of counselors over the years, guys had always been my go to coping mechanism. I’d been such a daddy’s girl. Before Papi passed, I’d only slept with one person and that had ended up being a nightmare. After his death, though, I just didn’t care and would have sex with anyone who was willing to spend time with me. I had the worst reputation my senior year of high school and all throughout college. But, I just couldn’t make myself care.
If a guy didn’t mind looking past my fat ass, who was I to say no? Plus, I craved the attention. At least, the kind I’d get in the heat of the moment. I could mentally turn anything into love if I thought hard enough.
I’d slept my way around, hoping maybe one day, just one of those guys would want me for longer than a quick screw. Unfortunately, once the beer goggles cleared and reality set in, they were gone faster than they came.
Stepping under the stream of hot water, I tried to scrub the dirty feeling away, but the disappointment went deeper than just my skin. It had been awhile since I’d been so disgusted with myself. Eric was the last guy I’d do this with. There was no way in hell I was going to let him come back. Even if I couldn’t convince myself right now that I deserved better, I knew with all my heart my future baby sure did. And I had to protect my child from this insanity.
I wasn’t going to be one of those women who let a man come between her and her child, like Zachary told me his mom had.
After showering and throwing myself together, I picked Stella and my purse up on the way to the front door. “Let’s go,” I called over my shoulder at Eric. He was just chilling on my couch, playing video games on his phone.
I tried so hard not to roll my eyes.
Maybe it was wrong to keep comparing the two, but one of the many things I loved about Zachary was that he hardly ever picked up his phone. Unlike most people nowadays, he actually loved being in the moment, living life with as little technology as possible. One of my favorite things about him was that he still wore a watch to keep time. He’d said he never wanted to be a slave to his cell. He had no idea how sexy that was. I really needed to take a lesson from him and simplify my life.
I also needed to stop thinking Zachary was sexy.
God, and while I was at it, I needed to stop mak
ing Zachary part of every thought and choice I made. We were not over. We’d never had a chance.
I waited for Eric to step outside before I closed and locked the door.
Carrying a hamper of clothes on her hip, my next door neighbor, Angie, was just leaving her condo. “Oh hey, Dani. You still want me to take care of Stella tonight?” She looked lovingly at my sweet little dog cradled and panting in my arm.
Angie had been a lifesaver lately. The majority of my client’s lived in Santa Ynez, and I couldn’t take Stella with me most of the time. I hated leaving her alone for so many hours.
Damn, this dog is spoiled.
“Yes, please.” I smiled at her. “I have to work the late shift again tonight.” We walked next to each other as Eric went on ahead of us, his heavy boots stomping down the stairs, causing the floor to vibrate.
Angie’s eyes rounded as her bangs fell forward. “Wow. Everything okay?”
I sighed. “Yeah, he’s just pissed. Everything’ll be fine.”
“Okay.” She pushed the hair out of her face. “My sister’s in town so we’re going to dinner, but I’ll bring Stella over to my place when we get home and you can pick her up in the morning.”
“Thanks, Angie. You know how lonely she gets when I’m not home.” Then she starts chewing on the furniture and pooping in hard to find places.
“No problem. I’ll see you later.” She headed toward the laundry room on our floor. Angie was such a sweet girl. I wished all the college students in the building were like her. I might’ve postponed moving until after I had a baby.
“You coming or what?” Eric yelled from the bottom of the stairs.
Stella let out a low-pitched growl. Gently patting her head, I tried to calm her before we got in the truck.
I know, sweet girl. If you can give me just a little longer, the asshole will be out of our lives.
