Intertwined Hearts Series (4 book collection): (Intertwined Hearts, An Exceptional Twist, Tangled Paths & Grafted Vines)

by Kimi Flores

  He stared off into the horizon with a tight smile as he reached for the wires constructed to support the now fruitless vines and leaves. “I figured you’d see right through me.” He grimaced. “I’ve been struggling with telling you this for a while and really should’ve done it a long time ago.”

  Now my heart was racing as I wondered what he’d been hiding from me.

  With an open hand, he invited me to sit in one of the wooden chairs under a big shady tree at the end of the row. He moved a second chair so it was in front of me and gingerly sat down, resting his forearms on top of each thigh.

  My body tensed, preparing for the last straw that could potentially change our relationship forever.

  “The only people who know everything were in my life when it all happened.” Reaching down, he picked up a stick from the ground and began tapping the blades of grass next to him as he searched for the words. “I told you about Tori getting pregnant, us marrying, and losing the baby, but I didn't share all the details.”

  A part of me began to relax in the chair since it wasn’t something I didn’t already know about, but the grim look on his face made my stomach tie up into a knot. It was going to take everything he had to share this with me, but I wasn’t going to stop him. He needed to get it off his chest, and I had to know exactly what had been weighing him down for so long. Had I been right about him feeling guilty about being relieved by the miscarriage?

  Lifting his head, he stared at the sky as if it had the power to give him the strength he needed. “This is really hard for me to talk about, but you need to know everything. It’s the whole reason I freaked out on you.”

  My heart begged me to reach out to him, but the timing wasn’t right yet. This was clearly a burden he’d carried for a long time. This was the damaged part of his soul that he’d hidden.

  I took the same posture he had and tried to look him in the face. “Zachary, no matter what you have to say, I need you to believe that I’ll listen with my heart.”

  “I know.” He raised his head just enough to see the truth in my words and closed the space between us to give me a swift kiss on the top of my head. I selfishly loved when he did that.

  “From the get go, Tori knew I wasn’t happy about her pregnancy, and whenever she would try to show me something baby related, I was a obstinate jackass and would ignore her. Not only was I still freaked out about the thought of being a father, but I’d never been around babies and didn’t know anything about them.”

  Sucking in a fresh breath of not only air but courage, he continued on. “Even though we’d just gotten married, we were hardly on speaking terms, but when she started to show, I was curious and slowly came around more. I paid a little more attention to what she wanted to show me, and I suggested we go to marriage counseling. I figured a professional could help me figure out how to accept both my child and my new bride.

  “It was really tough in the beginning, but when we had the first ultrasound appointment and the tech said we were having a little girl, something just clicked inside of me.” He choked up for a moment until he composed himself enough to continue. “I knew I wanted her more than anything else, and this primal need to keep her safe took over. I struggled being with Tori, but I pampered her as much as possible since she was the mother of my child. I felt like a fraud because I didn’t love her, but I did everything I could to take care of her anyway.”

  His jaw tensed as he picked at the wooden splinters on the chair’s arm. “One night when she was only twenty-five weeks along, she was complaining about back pains and said her stomach felt tender, but I brushed it off because she was constantly complaining about something. Then we got into a huge fight after Dad needed me for something, and she said I would always choose him over her and the baby.” He pounded a fist down on his thigh and the torture in his eyes was heartbreaking. “That pissed me off because she was right. At least about me choosing Dad over her, and I knew that’s not how a healthy marriage worked.

  “Anyway, I was sleeping on the couch when I heard her screaming in the bedroom. I ran inside and found her standing in the middle of the room.” His words became fragmented and it killed me to watch him look so torn up. “She was—standing in a pool of blood. There was blood…everywhere, the bed, the floor, her nightgown—”

  He took several audible breaths and planted his face between his hands.

  It was so difficult to remain strong as I watched his shoulders begin to shake. I didn’t care anymore if he tried to push me away, I needed to hold him. Pulling at his arms, I separated them enough so I could crawl on his lap. I held his head against my shoulder in the same position he’d comforted me when we’d talked about my dad.

  As I rubbed the back of his neck, I whispered soothing words. “It’s okay. I have you. Let it out.” I kept repeating these words over and over as he sobbed.

  After a few minutes, I felt his body begin to calm as he took in deep breaths. He didn’t attempt to move from my embrace, which was fine with me.

  Finally, he pulled away just enough for me to see the tears trapped between his long eyelashes, and it took everything in me not to cry along with him. Sniffing and wiping at his eyes, he continued, “We jumped in the car, raced to the hospital, and she yelled at me the entire way. Saying what an asshole I was for not paying attention to how she was feeling.” He repositioned us so that I was still on his lap, but he needed a slight bit of distance between us. “And dammit, I had ignored some vital signs.”

  I continued to play with the short hairs at the back of his neck and kept my voice both soft and accepting. “Go on.”

  “As far as she was concerned, it was all my fault. By the time we got into a room, there was no way to stop her labor. The placenta had already detached and came out before our daughter had a chance to—” His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed hard.

  I put my head against his as my heart shattered into pieces. It wasn’t a miscarriage? She was born premature? This precious man has not only kept the agony of losing a child to himself, he had accepted the blame for it, as well. I forced my own tears and the lump in my throat away. I had to stay strong for him. I couldn’t lose it now.

  His head pressed slightly to mine as his arms drew me in closer. I was also ready to absorb everything he needed to release and be the rock for him to cling to. By nature, I was a caregiver, but the need to heal him and make him whole again was overpowering me.

  “Bethany’s tiny wrinkled body came next.” He paused. “Her skin was so thin, it was practically transparent. She didn’t even look human at first. There was so much commotion in the delivery room and my focus was not on Tori, but I did hear when she told me to follow the nurses and see what was happening to our baby. They couldn’t get her to breathe at first and I didn’t handle it well, so they kicked me out until they could get her stabilized.”

  I had to blink away the tears as I imagined it. During my residency, I’d only worked a handful of times in the delivery room, but I’d experienced enough freaked out family members in the ICU to relate.

  “Josh picked Dad up and found me in a trance, pacing outside the room, covered in blood. I have no idea what they said, I just knew my world had crashed down on me.”

  He swallowed hard. “The next time I saw Bethany, she was hooked up to a bunch of tubes in the middle of an incubator.” He cleaned the trail of tears that had silently coated his face as he remembered those few cherished moments with his daughter. Inhaling, he added, “You never know how precious life is until you witness your child fighting for every second. We practically lived in the hospital for the next month, watching her wrestle to stay alive. Every. Fucking. Day.”

  His knuckles slowly turned white as he clenched his fists in frustration. “There was a baby boy next to her who fought just as hard and he became stronger, hitting all of his milestones, while Bethany was slowly losing her battle. We sat there every day, holding on, while that poor little guy didn’t even have a name, let alone one visitor. He was
eventually moved to the nursery before child protective services came and picked him up.

  “I couldn’t believe how unfair it was. We were there for our daughter, watching, hoping, praying. And after all that struggling, she simply stopped breathing and died anyway.” He groaned as a defeated look covered his face. “I had just stepped away for a bit to get some fresh air and something to eat—When I returned, Tori was clinging to her, crying hysterically, begging someone to make her breathe again. She started screaming at me in a room full of nurses, asking where I was when our daughter died.” His eyes turned hard then, full of the guilt that had been ravaging him for years. “After all that, she still had to get one more fucking dig.”

  He began to move me out of his lap, and I knew he was trying to escape behind the walls he had been living with. I turned his head, looking deep into his eyes. “No. You let me in this far, let me go the rest of the way.”

  I put my hand out in front of him. He continued to stare at me for a few seconds before he accepted my offer. I instantly drew his fingers to my heart and held them. “What did she tell you?”

  “She said—” A sudden gasp came deep from within as the sobs followed once more. “—she hoped I was happy Bethany was dead since I never wanted her in the first place.”

  Taking him back into my tight squeeze, I kissed his head and rubbed his arm as he finally let out every drop of emotion that had been buried deep within him for so many years. I would’ve sat there holding him forever, if that was what it took to help him through this.

  “I couldn’t do anything to save her, she was just—gone.” The brokenness in his voice ripped through my chest. “Ever since I saw Bethany on that ultrasound, I loved her so much. Then I held her and she owned my heart. I’ve never loved someone on that level before. Losing her was the worst thing I have ever felt in my life. A piece of me died with her that day, and I’ll never get it back.”

  I gave him a moment before I told him, “I know you loved her, Zachary. Trust me, I know what daddy’s love feels like. But, some things are out of our control. I’m sure both you and Tori did everything you could to protect your child.” I kissed his head again. “Neither of you are to blame for this, and Bethany knew she was loved from the moment she was born till the day she passed. She felt you by her side, caressing her, talking to her, feeling your love. She knew she was daddy’s little girl, and she knew she was blessed to be with you that short time.”

  “Thank you.” He sat silently for a few seconds to wrap his brain around what I’d told him, and it only confirmed my suspicion. He’d been carrying this load alone for years, trying to make sense out of a situation where no answers could be found. Living with the guilt, waiting for someone to tell him he didn’t cause this because he had struggled to accept the pregnancy. “And I don’t blame Tori, either. I know she would’ve done everything to save Bethany. I was hoping we could mourn and find healing together. Nobody will ever understand that kind of pain unless they’ve been through it. But once we no longer had the baby, there was no way we were going to recover from it as a couple.”

  “That’s not uncommon, even for strong, loving marriages. This doesn’t make you or Tori a failure. I’m not sure how anyone can figure out how to move on after such a loss.” I hoped this would help him release more of the baggage that had kept him stuck in the past all these years.

  He stared off in a daze. “It was more than not being able to support each other. Things got really bad between us, and she became physically abusive on several occasions. I tried to get her help, but when she lashed out at Dad, I was done. My child was dead, my marriage was in shambles, and the winery was suffering, so I completely turned my back on her and told her to leave.

  “That’s when she broke into the safe, stole all the cash we had, and took off. I was hoping to get the marriage annulled when I got the divorce papers saying she wanted half of the winery.” He looked shocked as he remembered. “I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read that.”

  He’d finally calmed down enough and tapped me on the leg to let me know he wanted to get up. I stood and watched as he peeled himself out of the chair and adjusted his wrinkled clothes. One foot at a time, he began to walk between the rows of vines and I followed. “Once all was said and done, we were divorced and since everything was in dad’s name, she didn’t get anything.”

  Instinctively, I wanted to wrap my arms around my body while emotions raged a war inside me, but I knew he needed to see that his story had done nothing to change my feelings for him, other than make me love him more.

  I took a step toward him. “I wish I had the magic words to heal your broken heart, but there isn’t anything I can say to do that. I know time doesn’t heal this kind of wound, it just helps you learn to find a new normal. Zachary, you’re a good man and you’ll make an incredible father if you ever decide to try again. Your story changes how I see you, though. I admire you so much more than I even thought possible.”

  The swiftness of him taking me in his arms made me lose my air, but I was willing to submit to it. “Ever since Josh became a father, he’s tried to convince me that the chances of it ever happening again are so minute. But even if a child has a healthy delivery, so many things could go wrong, and I don’t have it in me to take the chance of holding another one of my babies just to have them ripped away again.”

  I couldn’t imagine that kind of agony. “Normally, I’d agree with Josh, but I respect your feelings and wouldn’t ever try to talk you into changing your mind. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I won’t even pretend to know what that feels like.” I moved my arms down to his waist and leaned back a bit so I could see him. “Have you spoken to a counselor?”

  He shook his head. “No, this is the first time I’ve talked about it since it happened.”

  His response was what I’d expected, but I still felt so honored that he’d trusted me enough to pour his heart out. I felt the need to persuade him. “It helped me a lot after my father passed. And if you’d be willing, I’d be happy to go with you. I could wait out in the reception area or sit with you in the office. Whatever it would take for you to fully understand you’re not alone in this anymore.”

  He puffed out a breath of air. “Can I think about it?”

  “Of course. Whenever you’re ready.” Clasping hands once more we began the walk back to the villa when I nudged him. “Looks like Stella is getting a lesson from Buddy again on how to catch bugs.”

  With a halfhearted laugh, he stood and watched them. Buddy was rooting in the dirt, trying to capture his prey, and Stella had climbed up on an old stump of a tree and was looking at Buddy like he had lost his mind.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive. Because of my traumatic experience, I’m scared of watching you go through pregnancy, but you have every right to decide how and when you’d like to start your family. I don’t know to what capacity, but I want to be here for you.” He held his breath for a second before asking, “Do you know if the procedure worked?”

  I bit the side of my lip and shook my head. “No. I took a few tests before you came to the door, but I haven’t seen the results yet.”

  He ran his hand across his jaw then down his throat. “Well, let’s go find out then.”

  Although I was touched by the gesture, he was so raw with emotions, I didn’t think that was a good idea. “No, Zachary. It’s okay. You don’t need to be there.”

  He reached for my hand, a hopeful look on his face. “Like I said, I don't know up to what level I can handle, but this, today, I can do with you. I feel so much better after letting that out. Don’t worry about my struggles.” He stared into my eyes. “I’ll always be honest and let you know if something is too much for me, okay?”

  After studying his expression, I held out my little finger. “Pinky swear?” Hooking his pinky around mine, he drew it to his lips and gave it a soft kiss.

  “Pinky swear. Let’s do this.”

  He stayed in the living room as I stepped into t
he bathroom. Holding my breath, I blinked hard before staring down at the three tests. Two of them each had one line and the last said the words that deflated me—not pregnant.

  Disappointed and still overwhelmed by what Zachary had just unleashed, I closed the door behind me and sat on the toilet lid. Dr. Jensen said that it would probably take several times, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t crushed. All I’d been thinking about since that appointment was the fact that I could possibly be carrying my child. Now I was back to square one and, to top that off, would probably start my period in a few days, reminding me that I wasn’t any closer to becoming a mother.

  Several minutes later, I heard a soft knock on the door, then his gentle voice. “Dani, everything alright?”

  I wiped under my eyes. “Yeah, come in.”

  He stood in the doorway as I held up the tests. “Not pregnant.” My lip trembled, and I fought to keep the tears away.

  He squatted down in front of me, rubbing my arms. “It’s okay to be sad in front of me. Please don’t hide your feelings.”

  Overcome with emotions, the floodgates finally opened up. He held me as I buried my face in his neck and wept for his loss and my letdown.

  The pain we both felt seemed to intertwine us even further. We were a team now, not only in heartache but also in life.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Zachary

  With my hands shoved in my front jean pockets, I stood at the floor to ceiling picture windows, staring out into the bare fields. The rows of twisted, dormant vines looked like something out of a Tim Burton movie. They seemed to have withered away, leaving no life behind, but I knew better. It wasn’t very long ago that they’d been overflowing with bunches of ripe grapes and lush green leaves. In a few months, we’d see our first sprouting buds.

  Damn, I loved this place.

  While it was snowing and raining in other parts of the country, we were still enjoying sunny days.