by Jessop, K. L
“Adam, you’re a young busy man with a job you love. Don’t apologise for enjoying your life.”
“That wasn’t what I was meaning.”
“I know, son. I know. A lot of time has passed since then. No point in going over what we can’t change. You have to look ahead. Time is short.”
“Are you scared?” I find myself asking before I can even control my thoughts.
“Of dying? No. I’m scared of leaving behind those I love. I’m scared of how they will cope even though I know they will. But most of all, I’m scared that they will never find love.”
I draw my brows. “You want Mrs B to find love?”
“Eventually, yes, because even though I had her heart first and she will always love me, this world can be a lonely place, Adam. The heart can still be breaking even if the person carrying it keeps a smile on their face. A broken, silent heart doesn’t always mean it’s one that wants to remain alone.”
His words are a blow to the gut, and I have to swallow hard in order to stop the pain from leaking out of my eyes. I’m one of those people—a silent person with a shattered heart yet one who still makes out to others that everything in his life is fine, when it truly isn’t. I turn and look back out of the window, observing the view of the countryside and all its colours. Rich greens and yellows as the sun reflects off the lake. “I'd forgotten the view you guys had from here,” I say, wanting and needing a subject change.
“It's my favourite place to be, other than being down there personally,” he sighs. “Everly and I used to sit in here every morning and watch the sunrise. She was always an early riser as a child, and I could never work out if it was because of the energy that girl had or the fact she loved this view as much as I did.”
Discomfort bubbles in my stomach at the mention of her name. I can’t remember the last time Everly’s parents spoke of her in front of me. They seemed to understand that the subject was too painful, and for many years, I was convinced they, too, felt the hurt that I did after she left. So, we just stopped talking about her and continued with daily chit-chat when we saw one another. I guess that’s partly why we all drifted apart. Nothing was keeping us connected anymore and the one person that always did, had taken off without another word. Yet now, even though I dislike the fact he's talking about her, at the same time, I want to know more. I need to know because even though Everly is gone, I still secretly cling on to whatever I can of her, hoping that it will somehow ease the void that she left so deep in my heart; hoping it will fix the brokenness I continue to carry; hoping that one day I will see her again and then in another sense hoping that I don’t.
“I would say it’s because she had so much energy,” I reply. “She used to run rings around me.”
Robert chuckles lightly. “She was always full of spirit that’s for sure. She grew into a remarkable young woman and I used to love watching the two of you. The way you both made each other smile was magical to see.” His lip quivers and I’m on the edge of my seat wanting this conversation to be over because I can tell where it’s heading.
“Mr Braithwaite, I—”
He holds up his hand to cut me off before turning to look at me. The plea in his eyes is clear.
“For many years, Helen and I never understood why Everly went like she did. She shut us out just as much as she did everyone else. It angered me. It hurt me. But then one day we…” He pauses for a few moments before taking my hand in his with a grip that channels all the strength he can muster before tears gather in his eyes. “Adam, it's not my place to speak of my daughter's reasons for leaving, and I have no right to ask this of you because I know how much she hurt you, but please, please try and find it in your heart to forgive her.”
“How can I forgive what I don’t know? I need answers, Mr Braithwaite."
"And you'll get them, Adam. It may not be right away, and you may have to push her to get them, but I promise you, son, you'll get your answers when the time is right."
A splinter of pain hits my chest and my stomach tightens with his words.
You’ll get your answers.
I’ve waited years to know and many a time, I’ve given up wanting to know because I’ve tried hard to focus on my life, my career, but all the while in the back of my mind those questions have been whispering to me in my sleep. What hurts more than ever now is the fact I may be able to get what I’ve been waiting for all these years but only because of the future that awaits the man sitting in front of me. “She’s coming back to Keswick, isn’t she?”
He nods. “Time only knows how long for. But yes.”
I dip my head at his words as I blow out an unsteady breath. I fight back the tears that threaten to fall for what I know is to come, and if I’m honest with myself, I’m not looking forward to it. Everly is coming back. My Everly. The girl who broke my heart. The girl I still dream about. The girl I’ve never stopped loving.
“She needs someone to watch out for her, Adam.”
“And let me guess… you want it to be me.”
“Call it a dying man’s final request.”
I shake my head; I can’t believe what he’s asking. “Mr Braithwaite, that’s not fair. You can’t throw that card at me.”
“I believe I just did.” He smirks. He bloody smirks.
“But why does it have to be me?”
He looks at me with purpose and for the first time since I got here, I see so much conviction and strength in his features that it makes me sit up and listen because whatever he is about to say, I know he is going to mean every word. “Because you’re a good man with a big heart and I can see what my Everly still means to you when I look at you. That gives me hope. But what you should know is that all is not what it seems with my daughter, Adam. She is hurting. Be patient with her, but, more importantly, don’t let the past ruin what’s ahead of you. Life is too short, son.”
10
Everly
“So, this is it? The wonderful life of Everly,” Anita questions as she casually walks around my bedroom in the home where I once lived. Meanwhile, I feel sick to the stomach that I’m back here. After Dad announced he was stopping all treatment, the hospital discharged him once they knew he had the right care to make him comfortable. I’ve continued to walk around in a lost, numb world and watch from the side-lines what was happening before me. Ever since I promised to come home, insomnia has hit hard and the anxieties have hit even harder. I made a promise to a dying man, but what he doesn’t realise is that, being back, I feel like I’m dying in the process. Dad came home the next day but thankfully my parents understood that I still had to adjust to the fact I was returning to Keswick. I stayed in the hotel and waited for Anita to travel up with some more of my belongings before I somehow found the courage to make my way further into my hometown.
And here I sit, in my old bedroom, being smothered by too many memories.
“This is it.” I say, focusing on my daisy curtains that haven’t been replaced since I first put them up when I was nineteen. “This was me.”
“It’s a beautiful room. The view of the lake is amazing.”
Everywhere I look, all I see is Adam.
The pink, heart cushion on my chair in the corner that he bought me one Valentine’s day; the trinket box on my dresser that he bought when my other one broke; the silk rose that now has a layer of dust on the petals that he got on his way home one night; the teddy bear on my bed he won at the fair; his shirt that still hangs on the back of the door; the last picture we took together down at the cabin before life went horribly wrong.
He is everywhere.
It’s as if Mum hasn’t found it in her heart to clear it away or redecorate since I left—like she knew this day would come and everything should be left untouched—and as much as I hate seeing it all like nothing ever happened, it’s somewhat comforting. And that confuses me.
“I don’t think I can do this, Nita.” I whisper.
Being here, knowing I’m going to lose my dad and being in a place
with a life I once loved until it was taken from me, I can’t breathe.
She comes to sit beside me on the bed and takes hold of my hands. Her messy brown hair, like most days, is up in those two pig-tailed topknots and she looks at me with those eyes of empathy once again—a look that I’m tired of seeing from her now because I’ve seen so much of it over the years; a look that tells me that I really am as fucking weak as I often feel. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to feel like this, but being back here—in a place that now brings nothing but darkness—how can I make it stop? Jamie took so much of my life that I will never get back. I hate what he’s done to me. I hate the person he’s made me become. I hate the woman he’s turned me into. I once had fight inside of me, now I have nothing but fucking fear.
“Everly, you can do this. It’s just going to take some adjusting. You haven’t been home in ten years; it’s bound to be daunting but you have to look to and hold on to the good times. It’s just going to take time.”
I heard similar words the other day from a man that now rests in his room down the hall. My dad always had a way with words and always made me think positively even when things weren’t. I guess that came from his job. He knew the right things to say in the most difficult situations. I loved our father / daughter talks and I’ve truly missed those conversations over the years. Maybe if I’d have opened up to my parents sooner after I left, I wouldn’t have felt like I was living in a bath of nettles each day when I woke. “Have you been talking to my dad?”
“No, but that man and me are on an equal wavelength.” She grins, and it makes me smile. Anita and Dad have always got on so well with each other. “Now, I want those positive pants on. You need to be strong and be with your dad while you still have time. You can save those tears for when you’re behind closed doors. Okay?”
I blow out a shaky breath. She’s right. She’s always right, and that’s why I love her. I need to push whatever feelings I have to the side for my parents no matter how hard it may be. I need to be strong for them. “Okay. But you’re still sticking around a few days longer?”
“Girl, I’ve brought my whole wardrobe and jewellery studio with me; I’m here indefinitely.”
“Seriously?”
“I take it you haven’t been in your conservatory since I unpacked my car?”
My mouth drops open remembering the eight boxes I saw downstairs. “Wait, those boxes are yours?”
She shrugs her shoulder and I smile.
“Wow, did you pack for all weathers?”
“Well, it’s not every day I get to compare harbour men to country ones. I just came prepared.”
“For what?”
“Whatever situation is thrown at me.”
For the first time in days, I laugh. “You’re insane.”
“Yeah but you know I’m right.” She gets up from the bed and goes to the window. “I mean look at that guy down there, his country arse is looking splendid in those blue jeans.” I go over to her, curious to know who she is looking at but at the same time having a pretty good idea.
“Sam?”
“So that’s his name. Sexy Sam. I may ask your mum if he’s taken.”
“No need. I can confirm he’s single.” I grin. “And I can confirm he’s very much gay.”
“Ugh, bloody typical.” She takes one last look out of the window before turning back to me with determination and a look of naughtiness in her features. “Give me forty-eight hours and I’ll make him straight.”
I burst out laughing, knowing full well that she’s not even joking, as a feeling of courage overpowers me. I can do this, right? With her by my side, I can do this. I just have to try.
* * *
“Do you have the four of diamonds?” I ask Dad.
“Go fish.”
I pick up another card from the spare pile that is resting on his lap. We are in his room and I’m laid on the bed next to him as we’ve not long finished lunch. He slept most of the morning while Mum was out shopping, and it give me a chance to unpack a little more while Anita worked in the conservatory on her jewellery. Now we are having some father / daughter time and playing card games like old times.
“Do you have a nine of spades?”
“Ugh, will you stop taking all my cards.” I smile, with a little nudge on his shoulder as I hand him my card. I’m down to two cards, and I know he’s loving every second of watching me lose.
“Darling you should know by now that I am a pro at this go fish thing. I always beat you when you were a child.”
“I know. My only card game strength was snap. I always won on that one.”
“That’s because I’d feel sorry for you, so I’d let you win.”
“Oh really?”
Without looking, I sense him smile. “It was the same with matching pairs.”
I turn to him and frown.
He’s looking a little brighter today with all things considered and rocking a new oxygen tube from his nose, which he constantly taunts mum with, asking playfully if she finds it attractive.
“How do you work that out when all the cards were mixed up and placed upside down?”
“Well, you see, unbeknown to you, I bent certain cards back a little at the corner that were pairs, so it gave me a head start in winning.”
My eyes widen as he wiggles his eyebrows mischievously with his confession.
“Well, all the secrets are coming out now, aren’t they?”
“I’m dying; I’ve got nothing to lose.”
It shouldn’t make me laugh but it does. “Dad, don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s true. Don’t want to take any secrets to the grave with me.”
“Dad!” I laugh harder and he chuckles softly beside me with all the strength he can muster. I laugh because it’s like old times and like nothing has changed. I laugh because for the first time since I’ve returned, I feel more at ease about coming home. But then, like someone from above has reminded me that shortly everything will change and that I’ll lose him forever, it shatters my heart and my tears fall. Wrapping my arm over his stomach, I lay my head on his chest and cry into his pyjamas as he strokes my hair, reassuring me that everything will be alright.
“I don’t want to lose you, Dad,” I weep.
“I will always be with you, Everly. No matter where you are or what you are doing, I will always be with you. You hear me?”
I nod.
“I’m angry and hate the fact that this disease is going to take me away from you and your mother, but I will always, always, be with you. I won’t be here to see you get married, but I will be in your heart. I won’t be here to hold my first grandchild, but I know that you will continue to carry on and have me in your life when you talk about me to your children. I know that even though I may not be on this earth, I will be with you in spirit and in your heart. You understand me?”
“Yeah.” I sniff back my tears and wipe my eyes with the tissue he’s handed me.
“Everything is going to work out just fine for you, I know it. Just have faith. Have faith and just be you and everything will be forever how you wanted it. You hear me?”
I nod.
“Promise me that you will follow your heart, Everly. It’s important that you do that for me.”
“I promise.”
“Good girl. You’ve made me so proud. I couldn’t have wished for a better daughter than you.”
“I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you too, my beautiful sweet girl.” He kisses my hair. “Now, dry those eyes. If your mother comes back and finds out I’ve made you cry, I’ll never hear the end of it.”
I chuckle through my state of emotion. “What’s she going to do? Clip you around the ear?”
“Believe it. I can still feel the sting from when I broke a few of those china plates.”
I sit up, wiping my eyes again as I look at him, remembering that childhood memory. “A few? Dad you dropped the whole box of chinaware she’d just bought that morning.”
He scrunches his pale face up and shakes his head. “I never liked the colour blue anyway.”
I laugh. How can this man that is in so much pain have the ability to make light of every situation and get me to smile?
“I’ve always known you had a naughty streak in you. Next you’ll be saying that it was you that had something to do with the shelf falling down and her best glass breaking.”
“No, that was a freak accident.” He thinks for a moment. “Although, I might have forgotten to put all the screws in the wall to hold the shelf up.”
My eyes widen and I cover my hand over my mouth, horrified with what’s just slipped from his lips. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Mum had a collection of glass that had been passed down from her grandmother: a family heirloom that Mum wanted to keep. In one way, I had been pleased that it all broke because it was bloody awful, but then I’d felt guilty when I saw her sat amongst the shards of glass with tears in her eyes because it had all smashed to pieces. “Dad, you didn’t. Did you?”
“I mean, I may have forgotten to put the nail in, but I may not have.” He shrugs his shoulders a little and smiles. “Who knows?”
“Dad, please tell me you didn’t.” I can’t stop the smile that’s creeping across my face knowing what really happened.
“I didn’t.” The look in his eyes suggests very much that he did. The little devil. He’s really letting all the secrets out today.
“Mum was so upset.”
“And I was thankful I never had to polish the bloody things anymore.” He grins.
I shake my head, chuckling again at this mischievous side to him that he’s kept secret from me and Mum all these years. I knew he was bad at DIY and prone to dropping things, but I’d never once thought it was often deliberate. “You are so naughty.”
“I know. But best not tell your mother. I don’t want her finishing me off by squeezing my oxygen pipe.”
