by Jessop, K. L
I burst out laughing and fall back into him for another cuddle, loving these moments I’m having with him.
11
Everly
Dad passed away two days after all his confessions. What shocked us all the most was that it was quicker than what the doctors had predicted. They’d given him a few months at most, but he only managed just over a week, and I’ve never been more thankful to him than I am for him asking me to come back home to spend those last few days with him. Anita has been both mine and Mum’s rock and has taken care of everything in the house while we have spent time together, cried together and occasionally laughed at things we remember about him. Cards and flowers come in their hundreds from close friends, family and the members of the community, and I’ve not seen Mum drink as much tea as she has these past few days. What’s so overwhelming, yet inspiring, is watching her get through this troubling time. I don’t know how she can walk around and put on a brave face when people ask her how she’s doing. She just smiles politely at them and tells them she’s doing ok. I on the other hand want to grab hold of the next person that asks me and shout in their face, asking how they think I’m doing in a situation like this. I guess with Mum, she has the support of the ladies from the church and Dad’s work colleagues that deal with this sort of thing all the time. I just have Anita and the demons that still rally around in my head.
“Hey, you.” Anita says softly as she comes into my room.
I’m lying in bed, staring at the ceiling like I’ve done for the past few days, waiting for sleep to hit me but getting nothing. I’m exhausted from everything that’s happened and all the tears that have fallen, yet I can’t sleep one bit.
“Hey.”
“Did you sleep?”
I shake my head, not looking at her. “No.”
She silently perches herself on the edge of my bed, looking out of the window. I can tell without looking that it’s a beautiful day, the birds haven’t stopped singing since dawn broke. That was one thing I’d always loved about this place and something I’d missed back in Milford Haven. All you get back there are seagulls crying out every second or doing that annoying pitter-patting across your rooftop. Here, you get endless melodies of beautiful song that relax every inch of your body. Down at the lake was always the best. That place always brought nothing but tranquillity and timeless days. Being down there was always my favourite place to be.
“Where’s Mum?”
“Church, I think. She said something about arranging the flowers before the service.”
It’s Sunday. All my days have rolled into this past week. On Sundays Mum and Dad had always gone to church early to prep for the service and then stayed for it. By the time they’d come home it was always late into the afternoon as they usually ended up having a pub lunch together down at the local pub. I can’t imagine mum going on her own, but I know it will be a while before she’s home. Sunday’s is always quiet: shops are closed, the boat times down at the lake are reduced back and most people are either at church or at home with their family. It’s the perfect time to walk and clear your head without bumping into people.
Sitting up, I look at Anita, suddenly feeling the urge to leave the house. “Will you come for a walk with me?”
A smile tugs her lips. “Of course. If you’re up for it?”
“Not really. But Dad would hate the fact I’m cooped up in here when the weather is so nice.”
“Well then lead the way. I’d like to see more of where you grew up.”
The June sun warms my skin as we stroll down towards the Derwentwater Lake. Each step I take brings a mixture of feelings. Anxiety because I’m heading back to old memories, and peace because the Lake was always my favourite place. The fact that dad mentioned Adam is out of town is the only reason I let my feet bring me here today. The path on the way down is in bloom with bright flowers and butterflies flutter all around. The silence around us brings a long-awaited smile to my face for the first time as I breathe in the fresh air.
“Jesus, Ev. This place is beautiful.”
“Isn’t it? I loved the summers here. The colours that this place brings are incredible. Even after all these years it’s like nothing has changed.”
“It’s certainly looked after that’s for sure.”
“It sure is,” I say as we get to the end of the path towards the bench. “And this is one of the best views out there.”
“Holy shit.”
I smile at Anita as her wide eyes scan the environment around Derwentwater Lake. She’s always had a love for all things country and for beautiful scenery. Behind her wayward personality and her love of jewellery designing, Anita has always had an obsession with landscapes and is often trying to get me to change my focus and paint them. I knew she would love it here, and a part of me feels sad for her that until now, I’ve never brought her.
“This place is something else.”
Surrounded by trees and mountains above, the dark blue, unmoving water of the lake reflects the colours of the trees while the swans glide and dip their heads under. “This was always Dad’s favourite place.” I say as we sit on the bench. “He would come up here with his flask of tea and stay here for hours. It was his time to unwind from another hard week at work. Being a funeral director was never an easy job, so he would use this spot as his respite.”
“I can see why he loved it. Being here feels like—”
“Time has stood still?” I smile, knowing what she’s thinking.
“Exactly. Jeez, Ev, you want to bring your paints up here. The fact that no one is around and the peace it brings, you’ll get loads of work done.”
“I left all my paints back home.”
“Well I’m sure we can get some for while you’re here. It might take your mind off things.”
Maybe she’s right. Maybe I need a distraction to take my mind off Dad and everything else about being back. In some ways, being here isn’t as hard as I thought it would be, but then in others it’s even harder. The question is, how long am I going to stay? Once Dad has his funeral, which isn’t until late next week, there is nothing keeping me here other than Mum. And as much as I want to be with her to make sure she is coping, I’m worried about how long that may be. Being here is raking up too many memories and it’s eating away at me.
“So where is this cabin you’ve spoken about?” Anita asks.
A small smile tugs the corner of my mouth. She’s heard so much about my times at the cabin. “It’s down that way.” I point to her right. “You can’t see it from here as we are too high up. We’ve taken a different route to the one I used to take to get to it. Down below the trees, there’s a dock. The cabin is hidden away amongst the trees.”
“Do you think it still gets used?”
I shrug. Adam had always taken pride in that cabin, making sure the surrounding area was tidy. I would have imagined he still looked after it as he loved going there.
I loved that place. It was ours.
Now it could be his and someone else’s.
Uneasiness swirls in my stomach at the thought of him with another. Mum and Dad have never mentioned him with someone else, but then again, would they, knowing my state of mind?
“It’s ok if you want to talk about him you know?” Anita says, jolting me from my thoughts.
I frown. “Dad?”
“Adam. It can’t be easy being back here and having everything that’s happened flood your mind.”
I swallow down the trepidation that’s starting to creep over my tranquil state. “I don’t want to talk about him. Not today anyway.” I stand, wanting the subject to change and wanting to continue our adventure. “Come on. How do you fancy trying out the best ice cream you’ve ever had?”
“Does it involve licking it off a Chris Pratt look-a-like?” She grins.
I chuckle. “I highly doubt it, but you never know.”
We walk through the small, quiet town that is still—as it always used to be—filled with colourful flowerbeds and window
tubs. Shops that I remember are still there whilst others have closed and reopened as something else. The newspaper shop where I always used to by my sweets as a child is still going strong and is now owned by the grandchild of the couple that used to run it when I was young. The information centre where I used to work still does the same job only Mrs Collins retired a few years ago. Everything is like it’s been untouched yet transformed to modern times all the same.
“My. God. You weren’t wrong about this ice cream,” Anita says, practically demolishing the cream and cone of her raspberry and vanilla.
I smile. “Careful, you’ll give yourself brain freeze.”
“It’s a brain freeze worth having. I can’t get enough.”
“Told you it was the best.”
“And if I were to lick it off a Chris Pratt look-a-like, I’d likely have an orgasm on the spot.”
I laugh and screw my nose up at the images that are now currently damaging my thoughts. “Do you mind? I’m enjoying my chocolate toffee.”
“Yeah but be realistic, you’d enjoy it a lot more if a man was smothered in it.” She nudges me. “Just think of those little chocolate pieces you could nibble off a Hemsworth look-a-like at the same time. Orgasmic or what?”
I grin at her as she wiggles her brows before I start to lick my ice cream.
“And you can’t deny those sexy visions that are running through your thoughts right now, Braithwaite.”
I laugh out loud because she’s not wrong. “Oh my God, will you behave?”
She laughs placing an arm around my shoulder. “I love it when you’re happy.”
“You mean as opposed to my gloom?”
“No, I love your gloom, too, but Jesus, you can be dark at times.”
That’s all it takes for my laughter to erupt from my stomach and to have the pair of us giggling like idiots. I should feel guilty given the fact things are how they are and that I’ve lost Dad, but I don’t. Because, it’s like he said, he’ll always be with me, and he’s right. He will be smiling down at me, so pleased that my mind has been taken elsewhere for a while.
“Jeez, where have all these people come from?” Anita asks as a large group of kids with backpacks and suitcases round the corner and walk towards us, some saying their goodbyes to friends and heading in different directions, while the rest carry on past as we continue down the street.
“I don’t know, but the coach station isn’t far.”
“It’s the most people I’ve seen since we’ve been here.” She laughs, and I feel a little remorseful because today is the first time I’ve left the house since we got here.
“Oh, you wait. As soon as Monday comes, the town will be filled with people with shopping bags whilst they wait for the bakers to open. Well it always used to be that way. At Christmas, it’s like the town doubles in size and they come from nowhere. The majority of them come to see the Christmas lights as the council always put on an amazing display. We always used to have this huge tree that—”
I freeze.
Suddenly, every ounce of breath is taken from me as my heart strums so loud it pounds in my ears. Chills trickle down my spine, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand tall, right before my body roars with heat and my stomach somersaults in a way that’s enough to cause panic but pleasure all the same.
I can’t breathe.
“Everly? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Are you ok?”
I hear her words, but I don’t respond. I can’t. Because the only things that have my attention are the eyes of a man I remember so well, captivating me from only a few feet away as he stands with his gaze locked on me in a way that’s so powerful it’s making my body tremble. It’s as if he’s trying to work out if this is real. He is as beautiful as I remember, if not more so. The person standing before me is not the young man I left. His solid jaw is now covered in light scruff. His strong physique appears to be even stronger, his shoulders seem broader, his chest tighter and the muscles in his arms are thicker. Tingles cascade my body with the way his jaw flexes and his astonished eyes still hold mine. In this moment, it’s like nothing has changed between us, no years have past and no hurt has been lived as my body reacts to him in a way I remember. Then like the nightmares hear my thoughts, the vivid memories come back thick and fast and my tears threaten. Leaving Adam had felt like a knife had shot through my stomach, and each day I’d woken up in my new environment—a place where I could no longer see his eyes or feel his heartbeat in his chest—that knife had twisted deeper inside of me. I’d grieved for him like he'd already passed, I’d loved him like I always said I would. Even to this very day, I feel sick—sick at the thought of what I've done and the words I’ve never said; at the pain I've put him through. Jamie was a monster who took me countless times with no regrets or remorse, and during that time, the pain he inflicted on me, turned me into a monster myself—one that destroyed those I loved and the man that I promised would be my forever.
“Everly?” Anita’s touch makes me reconnect with what’s going on around me but I never take my eyes off Adam.
“I can’t do this.”
Not knowing what else to do and losing all the words I should say—the words I’ve always wanted to say but was never allowed to speak—I do the one thing I’m good at: I bolt.
12
Adam
She’d been my first and I’d been hers.
We’d shared our first spine tingling kiss the same night we’d had our first dance at the school prom. She’d been my first crush, the first girl I’d slept with and the first girl that I’d connected with so deeply that I’d sworn I’d never let go of her, vowing to spend the rest of my life with her. We’d made a pact, engraved our names into the oak tree down at the lake and had made a promise to tell each other everything, no matter how bad it was or how deep the pain would be. She’d been my everything and because of that, she’d been the first woman to break my heart in a way that I never thought was possible.
Yet it seems I’d been the first man to break hers, so deeply that she’d seen no choice but to run. To this very day, I still don’t know what I did to break Everly, but I did. I’d been that person. I’d been that man, and even though my own heart has been torn to shreds and after all these years it still needs piecing back together, I will never forgive myself for shattering hers. The way she ran from me yesterday wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. Truth is, I don’t know what I’d expected. I just hadn’t thought it would be the way it played out yesterday.
I’d heard her laugh before anything, and it’d been like the sweet music that I’ve been missing all these years. I’d learned of Mr Braithwaite’s passing from Mum when I’d been down at the coast. It’d come as a shock because it happened so quickly after my visit. The week away that usually brings enjoyment and new experiences brought nothing but uncertainty and frustration this time. My mind hadn’t been focused on the job in hand, but it had been overwhelmed with so many feelings, knowing Everly was returning. I’d wanted to see her, but then again I hadn’t. I’d thought about what I would say to her, then I’d thought about grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her, letting her know just how fucking much she’d hurt me, letting her know that I still carry something inside of me for her after all this time when she doesn’t deserve for me to. I’d been angry, so fucking angry, about the fact that she was just going to come back here as if nothing had happened, and the only reason for her return was her dad. Not me.
Then, after I got the call, I’d felt like a selfish dickhead for thinking those things and had lay on the beach, looking up at the stars as tears had slipped secretly from my eyes. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d looked at the stars and truly thought about her, and then I’d felt guilty for not knowing the last time I had which led me to wonder whether I do it without even realising I do.
There’d been something about the stars that had kept her close after she’d gone. I’d often sit out and look at them and remember the conversations we’d had under th
e night sky at the cabin. I’d loved those nights. But there was something about that night on the beach that had made me think of her in depth, in a way that I’ve not done in a long time. I hadn’t been prepared to see her so soon after coming home, but after a split second of watching her with her friend, it had been as if nothing had ever changed. She was my Everly—the Everly I once had before everything changed.
When she’d looked up and seen me watching, it had became clear to me that the woman in front of me was not the girl I remember. It was like someone had winded her: the colour had drained from her face, her chest had risen and fallen like she was struggling to catch her breath and her eyes had filled with unshed tears. She’d looked broken, which is understandable given the fact she’s lost her dad, but what had ripped through my gut more was the look of fear on her face, and I can’t work out if that was because she’d seen me and had been hoping she wouldn’t.
I guess it confirmed it when she bolted.
I feel sick to my stomach regarding what I’m about to do, but I can’t stay away and not pay my respects. The Braithwaite’s were an important part of my life and just because their daughter is back doesn’t mean I should hide away. I’ve been in this town a damn lot longer than Everly has, and I’ve got no reason to step back into the shadows and that’s something she’s just going to have to get used to.
As the door opens, the smile on Mrs B’s face is both warm and welcoming. Her eyes look tired and she seems a little more frail than usual, but she’s still very much Mrs B. “Adam, sweetheart.”
“Hey, Mrs B.” I say softly as she pulls me in for a hug. I hold her tight for as long as she needs it. “I’m sorry for your loss. I would have come sooner but I was on the school trip.”
“I understand, dear. You’re here now and I appreciate your visit. It’s good to see you.”
Handing her the bouquet of flowers I bought on the way here, I accept her offer of invitation and head inside. Other than the previous week, I’ve not been inside this house in almost six years. The last time had been when I had to drop off some of Everly’s things that I’d found at mine whilst clearing out. That had been the day when we’d all decided in our own way to not talk about her anymore. It wasn’t because we didn’t want to, more so because we couldn’t. They’d seen my pain and I’d seen theirs. I’d stopped asking and they’d stopped answering. It had been that simple, regardless of how it crushed us all.
