Breaking Everly

by Jessop, K. L

  Her.

  Everything.

  However, this euphoria I’m feeling is quickly clouds by the heavy-weighted truth of how we got here to begin with—the one that has my blood raging and my fist clenching. I’ve known for a mere few hours and I can’t cope with the feelings that are rife inside of me. Everly has been living with this for ten fucking years. It’s weighed her down. It’s broken her heart. It almost fucking killed her.

  Turning to look at my mum, I let out the words that catch in my throat and constrict my tattered heart. “He raped her, Mum… Jamie. That’s why she left.”

  Mum’s hands cover her mouth as she releases a shocked gasp. Shaking her head, she looks at me, her wide eyes glassing over with tears. “No,” she breathes. “No, Adam. No.”

  Chills break across my chest and I nod, that deep blade slicing my gut the more I think of yesterday’s travails to get Everly to open up and then wishing she would stop when she finally did.

  “She told me everything.” I sigh, swirling the remaining liquid in my tumbler before knocking it back and placing the glass on the worktop at the side of me. I scrub my hands over my face, my body aching with exhaustion. Mum’s arms lock around me for a hug, and I realise her embrace is one I never knew I needed. I squeeze her tighter as my eyes sting. I don’t want to break. I have to be the strong one; I have to be there for Everly. Yet the longer Mum holds me, the more I can’t control it.

  I’ve cried for Everly and what she went through, I’ve cried with her and have held her like she needed, but I’ve not cried for myself. I’ve not let out all that pain caused by what he did to her, to me, to both of us when he tore our lives to shreds. I can be strong for Everly, and I will be. But right now, in order to be that man. I need to break first.

  “I feel so helpless, Mum. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Let it out, Adam. Just let it all out.”

  And I do.

  * * *

  “Oh, that poor girl. She must have been terrified,” Mum says.

  We sit at the patio table outside in the garden with cups of coffee. She held on to me for as long as I needed her too, reassuring me that everything will be okay, and rubbed my back like she always used to when I was a child.

  Once I’d composed myself, I told her everything that Everly had told me—everything that happened with Jamie. How he made me powerless that night so I couldn’t protect her. Her overdose. Everything. No scars left untold.

  “In many ways, she still is,” I reply. “He’s ruined her, Mum.”

  “Jesus, Adam. I’m so sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For bringing him into our lives. If I hadn’t had married Sam—”

  “Don’t you dare say that! You hear me?” My voice is stern as I point a finger at her. “I don’t want you thinking anything like that, ever. I’ve said the same thing to Everly. No one is responsible for this other than that sick fucker himself. I will not have guilt on your shoulders or hers. Okay? Jamie did this.”

  She nods, and I move my arm across the garden table to take her hand. I feel like a complete hypocrite because while I tell the women in my life that none of this is their fault, I loathe the fact that I believe it’s mine. I should have known. I should have known I was living in the same house as a fucking rapist.

  “Now that you know, have you thought about where you both go from here?” she asks, looking at me with curiosity in her eyes.

  I sigh, my heart beating strong in my chest as Everly’s beautiful face comes into my thoughts. I know what’s happening between us, and I believe she does too, but I sense that she is silently panicking. There’s no doubt that our worlds have collided once again in a way that leaves us both asking questions about the future. My only fear now, though, is of losing her again. Knowing her home is no longer in Keswick, I’m worried I’ll lose her faster than I’d like.

  “I know where I want it to go. I know what I want, I just don’t know if I’ll be going it alone.”

  “What do you want?”

  “Her.” I look at her. “You know that saying, ‘when you know, you know’?”

  She smiles. “Yes.”

  “Well, nothing has changed for me. I love her, Mum. I never stopped. And I believe there is something between us still because I can see it in her eyes. I can feel it in the way she touches me. It’s just…”

  “What?”

  “I’m worried that she is going to continue to protect her heart to the point that she won’t allow herself to love again.”

  She places her hand on my arm. “Sometimes, no matter the heartache, you know deep down what you want but that can still scare you… sometimes, just as much as the trauma you’re recovering from. Time and distance have played a massive part in both your lives, but in some cases that makes hearts stronger than ever. Fight for what you want, Adam, because I believe yours and Everly’s love was meant to last forever.”

  She’s right. I just have to find a way to tell Everly how I feel without having her run. I have to keep reassuring her that she has nothing to be afraid of.

  Ten years. It's been ten years, and I still love her like it was only yesterday. She is everything I knew I always wanted, everything I lost but always loved and everything I need in order to survive.

  I can’t lose her again.

  27

  Everly

  “Everly, are you and Adam going to the summer fair on Saturday?” Mum shouts from her bedroom as I continue to look at myself in my mirror, biting on my bottom lip and grinning like crazy because I am currently looking at myself in a pair of skinny jeans and a white vest top that hugs my waist to perfection.

  I did it. I finally got myself a new load of clothes and they are worth every ounce of anxiety that had buzzed through my veins when I walked into the clothes shop.

  My afternoon shopping with Mum had been put on hold a little longer as Adam’s Mum, Abigail, had wanted to have lunch with us both as I’ve not seen her since coming back home. She looks radiant compared to the last time I saw her. I guess it just goes to show how much of an impact a certain person had on the Knight family, and now that Abi has revived her relationship with Adam, the pair of them have an unbelievable bond. Watching the two of them together yesterday made my heart smile. Today, I’ve spent quality time with Mum shopping whilst Adam headed out with his camera, and now I look like a totally different person to the one I woke up as. Not only have I got a new wardrobe, I’ve had my hair cut and highlighted too.

  “Umm, I don’t know,” I shout back. “We’ve not really spoken about it.” We’ve hardly spoken about anything other than our pasts; there have been no room for talks about the future—the future I can finally see and know that I need but one I am not sure will play out how I want.

  “Well, it will be lovely to see you both there. I’m helping with the church. They have a stall there.” Her voice seems to get louder, and when I look up, I see she is standing in my doorway. A smile graces her face and the pride in her eyes is shining so strong it makes me smile harder.

  “Everly, you look beautiful.”

  “Mum, you were with me when I bought this. It’s not like you haven’t seen it.”

  “I’ve seen your clothes, but I haven’t seen you glow like you are in a very long time.” Tears fill her eyes. “Your father will be so proud of how far you have come.”

  I think back to that day in the hospital and how I would never have denied him anything, but how I’d loathed the idea of what he was asking from me. Only now, in many ways, I’ve never been more thankful. Turning back to the mirror, I smooth my hands down my waist. “When Dad asked me to come home, it was like my insides had been ripped out and trampled on. I disliked him. Not only because I knew he was going to leave us but because I knew he was going to go when I needed him the most. How could he ask me to do the one thing I’ve been running from all these years when he wasn’t going to be here to help me get through it? The day I first saw Adam, it was like a scene from one of those movies whe
re the soldier comes home to his family because they’ve been separated for too long and their lover runs and throws their arms around them. I’d wanted to run to him and leap in his arms, cry on his shoulder and tell him how much I’d missed him. But I wasn’t a soldier and the only thing I did was run in the opposite direction. I loathed Dad at that moment, Mum, because he’d told me I had good memories here, yet when I’d looked into Adams' eyes, I’d had nothing but haunts.”

  She steps towards me. “And now?”

  Tears glisten in my eyes from everything that has developed in these past few weeks—the past few weeks that have been a mixture of emotions—and although I’ve lost someone so dear to me and my heart still aches for him, I’ve also found something inside of me that I thought had perished. Being back here has proven to me just how much of an impact Adam has had on my life—before and after leaving. He’s had the ability to reach in and help me find the courage inside I didn’t know was there, and whilst doing that has reignited everything I’ve always felt for him. Every time he is close, he engulfs me with so many sensations and a freedom I don’t want to lose. His presence filters out the darkness and when he touches me, I can breathe. But that frightens me all the same because I haven’t felt this good in years. I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. It can't be this easy.

  “Now I can’t thank Dad enough for making me come back, and I would give anything for him to be here right now so I can tell him how good I feel.”

  “Everly, darling.” She tucks my hair behind my ear and catches my stray, happy tear. “He already knows. He always knew you needed to come back to find yourself.”

  “How?”

  “Because every time he saw Adam, your father knew that he was a man trying to find himself, too, and the only way you would both flourish and rise was if you were to find each other again.” Walking to my bed, Mum sits herself down and I join her, intrigued to know more. “For me, going to church has always been a comfort to me—as you know. So, when you left, that need grew stronger because I needed comfort from losing my little girl. Your father, too, increased his visits but only because he was supporting me. He prayed occasionally, but mainly he just sat there in silence, letting me take as long as I needed. One night, I found him outside in the garden on a crisp winters night.” She chuckles. “I thought he was going mad because I heard him talking to himself.”

  I smile.

  “When I asked him what he was doing, he said, ‘Helen, I’m praying but not in the way that you do because I can only do it when the time is right.’ Confused, I asked him what on earth he was on about. He said that the only time he felt he could pray was when the sky was nothing but a canvas of bright stars. He would go outside, look up at the stars and ask them for guidance, to watch over both you and Adam and would ask that no matter what happened, you both would remain in each other’s hearts until the time was right. And he believed that every shooting star was granting a wish for someone.”

  “He always use to tell me that when I was little,” I whisper.

  “That he did. It wasn’t until a few nights ago, when you told me of yours and Adam’s developments, that I believed what your father said was true.”

  “Why?”

  “The night your father died, when you were in bed sleeping, he asked me to take him to the window. It was a struggle and he was in so much pain, but I knew he needed to find that comfort in the stars one last time. The sky was full of them, and when he looked up, he closed his eyes for a few seconds before I helped him get back into bed.”

  “That was his last prayer.”

  “It was.” She smiles, wiping another tear from my cheek that I didn’t know had fallen. “Once he was comfortable your father closed his eyes and whispered to me that he loved us both very much and not to worry about you because everything happens for a reason and everything would fall into place. I lay with him in the dark room, looking out of the window, and in his last few breaths, I saw the brightest star race through the sky.”

  A shiver cascades down my spine, and I’m stunned by her words. “A wish was granted?”

  “Not just any wish, Everly. I believe it was your father’s, because what I’ve seen in both you and Adam these past few weeks has been the most beautiful thing. I know at times things have been very challenging for the both of you, and you’ve both overcome so much in so little time, but I believe fate has brought you back together and your father knew it would all along.”

  “Wow,” I whisper, wiping my eyes. “That’s beautiful. I never knew Dad did that.”

  “He only started after you left. He saw Adam down by the lake one night, upset, and when he asked him if he was okay, Adam said that by looking up, he thought of you.”

  I brush my fingers over my star necklace. Even after all this time, looking at the stars has always felt like Adam is right beside me, even though it has hurt to watch them twinkling. Is what has happened between us really fate? God’s will as Mum would say? Despite all the heartache, was I meant to come back here to find who I once was and have Adam help me find it? Without him, I wouldn’t have found me again. But what happens now? Now that he’s churned up all those beautiful memories and feelings, what happens now? Because if I’m truly honest with myself, I don’t want to run anymore. I don’t want to go back to Milford Haven because I know I will slowly become that broken woman again once his eyes are no longer on me. But we’ve not spoken of what happens next.

  “I’m scared, Mum.”

  “Of what?”

  “How do I know if what I’m feeling is the right feelings to be having? What if he thinks I’m to broken? What if he can’t cope with my bad days? I don’t want to let myself fall in case he doesn’t want the same.”

  She squeezes my hand as her other lifts my chin, something she always used to do when I was a child and I needed to listen to her. “Everly Rose, it’s okay to be scared. But faith is all you need to hang onto now. You deserve a life full of happiness and love and a future with a man that I know will be your forever. That’s Adam.”

  “How can you be so sure after all the hurt that’s grazed our hearts?”

  “Because your love is like no other. It’s sealed amongst the stars.”

  * * *

  “Sweet baby Jesus. Where did that girl in rags go? Because the one in the photo I’ve just been sent is a fucking queen!” Anita practically screams down the line as I answer my phone. I’m grinning like a child in a sweet shop as I make my way over to Adam’s place. My walk through the town is peaceful and the council workers are working late and prepping the town with flagged bunting ready for the fair this weekend.

  “I don’t know where rag girl went, but I’m liking the woman that’s replaced her.”

  “No shit. Have you seen that smile on your face? Girl, I’ve not seen those pearly whites show that much in a long ass time.”

  “You saying I was miserable?” I joke.

  “Did you really just ask me that?”

  I laugh. “So, what do you think of my hair?” I ask, running my fingers through my new highlights. It’s now a sun-kissed blonde and five inches shorter, stopping just below my shoulders.

  “Your hair is hot. You are fucking hot. I love you. What does Adam think of it?”

  “He’s yet to see it. I’m on my way around to his now to surprise him.”

  “You mean you’re going around to show him your new lace undies.” She laughs. “I know your game, Braithwaite.”

  After chatting to Mum and making us something to eat, I changed out of my clothes, showered and stepped into a red and white spotted summers dress that has thin spaghetti straps and buttons down the back. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it, and the best thing of all is the colour. Adam always used to like me in red. It’s finished off with a pair of white ballerina pumps, and yes, I’m wearing new lace underwear, too. “I’ve no idea what you are talking about. Don’t be rude.”

  She laughs like the devil.

  “How is Chips? I’m missing him
.”

  “The little flirt has his eyes on another cat from over the road, and I had to have a chat with him the other night because he came in ten minutes after I called him.”

  I giggle. “You are such a mum.”

  “Trust me, he won’t know what’s hit him. If he keeps this shit up, I’m going to have to ground him from getting pussy.”

  “You are crazy.”

  “That’s why you love me. Anyway, so things are good between you and Adam?” she asks, and I smile at the sound of her happiness. I think about what Mum said earlier and everything that Adam and me have shared since things changed between us. I know what I want now, more than anything. I just hope I’m not too damaged.

  “Things are as good as they can be for the time being.”

  “I’m so happy for you, Everly. If there’s anyone who deserves it, it’s you.”

  I arrive outside Adam’s place: a little cottage just on the outskirts of town and not far from the lake. I’ve not been here before, but it already gives me a homely feel. The purple and yellow pansies that are potted in flower tubs under the windows make my heart smile, the bird feeders are stocked well in the centre of the garden while a bench has a rag looking toy rabbit on it that I assume is Baileys. “Well, only time will tell. I’m about to show him my new look. I’m outside his house.”

  “Well don’t let me stop you. Go get him, tiger. Love you.”

  When she hangs up, I walk down the path. When I knock on the door and hear Bailey barking, nerves hit my stomach full force. I hear Adam shout and my breathing becomes shaky.

  I smooth my hair down.

  What if he doesn’t like it? What if he doesn’t want me here? Why am I so nervous?