Within

by Rachel Rae

  “I don't know, probably sleeping on Momma’s bed like I told her not to do; her bed is too big for that tiny little thing to be on unattended.”

  Tony walked off to go check on Krystle as Momma took the roasting pan out of the oven, scraping the onions and bell peppers in it.

  “You want me to help you, Momma?” I asked, walking up slowly behind her, because I knew she was getting a little agitated with Tony. Then again, they always bump heads like this.

  “No!” she yelled, slamming the top back on the pan picking it up, and sliding it back into the oven.

  “Calm down Momma, it'll be okay.”

  “I don't know why he always does that to me!” She said, pressing some of the buttons on the stove, trying to cut it on.

  “At least let me get that for you. Okay, go sit down.”

  She did as I asked and I pressed bake, but before I could press start, to turn up the oven, Tony ran back into the kitchen holding two pink blankets.

  “Ma, where is Krystle?”

  “Don't raise your voice at me, Tony!”

  “What you mean? She's not in there?” I asked, turning my attention to my brother. “Momma, where is the baby?”

  “I don't know what the hell y'all talking about, but I need to start my dinner!” she yelled, stomping towards me.

  “Momma, that dinner can wait, where's the baby? Tony check the other rooms, she can't crawl yet,” I said calmly.

  “I said I need to start my dinner!” she yelled, attempting to reach over me to press the start button. I grabbed her hands firmly, asking the same question as before, “Where's the baby?”

  “I looked everywhere and she's not here!” Tony yelled, stumbling into the kitchen.

  I look directly at my mother, asking one more time. She pushed me hard against the stove, knocking her hands from mine, and then she backslapped me in the face, knocking me to the floor.

  “Get away from me with all that foolishness! I need to start my damn dinner!” she said, pressing the start button.

  Tony helped me up, never taking his eyes off our mother.

  “You two have always been defiant and disrespectful! I should have swallowed both of you ungrateful ass kids a long time ago!” she said, hitting her palms against the stovetop.

  We heard a faint cry that in just a matter of seconds, turned into a loud wail. Tony looked at me as I did the same to him. We searched around the kitchen, tearing up everything until I stopped.

  “You didn't,” I said, blinking hard, hearing the cries coming from behind my mother.

  “She didn't what?” Tony asked, pulling some trash out of the trashcan.

  It was as if I had tunnel vision; I pushed my mother from in front of the stove, carefully opening it. The cries got louder; I pulled out the roasting pan in a hurry, and then took off the lid. Inside laid my niece, covered with the bell peppers and onions my mom previously cut up. I grabbed my niece out of the pan and clutched her in my arms, as Tony stood in shock.

  “Shh…shh…shh…” I said, rocking her and trying to calm her down.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I guess my brother snapped out of it, when he realized our mother had tried to cook his child. The way he moved was so quick and persistent that the next thing I knew, I blinked and saw him standing over her with his fist balled up, looking like he was about to do something he shouldn't.

  “Tony no! Just call the police, understand? Your concern is Krystle!” I yelled. His hands relaxed, but he was still a little shaky as he stepped over Momma and walked to the living room where there was another phone.

  “How could you? How could you!” I begin to cry, holding the crying baby Krystle closer.

  “That seed is unlike me or you. She has something embedded in her; the government is trying to get to me! Through her!” she started to cry.

  “Momma, stop it! Just stop! There is nobody trying to get anything! You put your grandchild in the oven! This is a baby!”

  “The chip is in that bag or somewhere. I'm trying to protect my family! That beast you're holding ain't no damn family!”

  I watched as my mother sat up and began to rock back and forth, whispering and repeating, “They can't have my family, that beast ain't no part of me.”

  I wrapped my niece gently in the blankets. Then I walked out of the kitchen and out the house to where Tony was flipping out.

  “I swear I could walk back in there and kill her ass!” he shouted.

  “Let me think, Tony, this is not like our mother.”

  “You fuckin’ right!” he yelled, attempting to walk back in the house. Luckily, the ambulance, police, and fire truck pulled up before he had a chance to.

  The paramedics took Krystle right out of my arms and took her to the ambulance, while Tony followed behind them.

  “Momma,” I whispered, running towards the house as they were bringing her out on the stretcher.

  “Go ahead,” One of the paramedics, said to the other two, wheeling my mother past me.

  “Something isn't right with her. I don't know what made her put my niece in the oven.”

  “Luckily, you got to the baby before the oven got hot; she will be fine, I'm sure. But we have to take your mom to the hospital and run some tests. Can you remember when something started to seem weird?”

  “About five weeks ago when our father died. He was very secretive, so if there was anything going on before that, we would have never known.”

  After we got Momma’s diagnosis, the doctor said that they could release her to us, or the psych ward. Tony didn't hesitate to choose the other option.

  Coming back to reality, I sat back in my chair, put my hands over my lips, and then leaned forward towards my brother. “I totally understand, baby brother, I really do, especially thinking about it now. I guess I must have put that memory somewhere and buried it. That's how I know all of this may be too much for you. How about another approach?”

  “Do you remember my vow to Krystle when I carried her out the back of that ambulance?”

  “Of course I do, Tony, how could I forget?”

  “I will never put her in—”

  “Harm’s way again,” I finished. “Just let me help get her better.”

  “What are you asking me, sis?”

  “At least let me get her better. If I can't do that, then we send her off to the people that can.”

  He was very hesitant at first, pacing the floor and looking at me every so often.

  “What do you want me to do then? What's your suggestion?” he asked, sitting back down on the sofa.

  I pulled out two pieces of paper from my drawer and a pen, placing them on top of the desk.

  “Sign this power of attorney.”

  Chapter Eight

  KRYSTLE

  “I'm not leaving home!” I yelled, crossing my arms pushing the papers of guardianship to the left.

  “We just want what's best for you.”

  “Daddy, I'm not leaving. I’m grown; I can make my own decisions.”

  “You're right, Krystle, I just want to help,” he said, staring at me.

  “By what? Sending me off to live with Aunt Courtney?”

  “Yes, that's your path at getting better and taking these,” he said, pushing two small pink tablets towards me.

  “I told both of y'all I ain't taking that bullshit!” I yelled.

  “Oh you gon’ take it, even if I have to force the shit down your throat!” my dad yelled.

  “We're not going to force anything down her throat, Tony. Honey, have you spoken with any of your friends lately?”

  I just sat there, glaring at Aunt Courtney when she said that. Was she trying to play me? Even if I did talk to Akira or FiFi, I wouldn't tell them about it.

  “Like I said, I'm not taking those crazy pills for nobody,” I said, pushing them back in their direction.

  “Okay Krystle, you're grown,” my aunt said.

  “Yep that I am,” I smiled, nodding my head. “And unless my demands are me
t, I'm not budging,” I said, crossing my arms and rolling my neck a little.

  “And that demand is what, grown ass? ‘Get out my father's house and fend for my own grown ass?’” Dad said, mocking my gesture, while Aunt Courtney slapped him on the back of his head.

  “What if I move in here with y'all for a while? Would that help?”

  “Do what?” my dad gasped.

  She didn't answer him; she sat there waiting on my response. As of lately, they've been on some bullshit. My dad took the door to my bedroom off the hinges to monitor any and everything I do. He times me in the bathroom; he won't allow me to be in there longer than eight minutes. I'm no longer allowed to use my cell phone without signing it out on a clipboard, and there’s more. This is hell and if they wanted me to cooperate, I have some terms that need to be met.

  “I want to be able to go back outside alone without the GPS system attached to my ass!”

  “That may be next,” Dad said dismissively.

  “There's no maybe, it shouldn't happen. You both asked what my terms are and I'm saying them, in hopes you grant me back my freedom. Damn slave owners! I'm not a prisoner, Dad!”

  “You right, inmate, I let you keep them shoes strings though, didn't I?”

  “Ughhh,” I hissed, getting up from the table and stomp upstairs to the bathroom, slamming the door.

  “You have eight minutes or I'm coming up there,” I heard my dad yell.

  “Ugghhhh,” I screeched, opening the door again stomping down the hallway to my bedroom with no door.

  “I hate it here!” I screamed into my pillow.

  “Here I am once again crying myself to sleep. This isn't any way to live,” I heard myself say as I drifted off to sleep.

  “Krystle… Krystle?”

  There was tapping and tickling on my feet, followed by my name being called again.

  “What do you want?” I said, cracking one eye open.

  “I got your door fixed,” she smiled.

  “Thanks,” I said dryly.

  “Sit up girl.”

  “Auntie, I’m really not in the mood, but thank you for convincing your stubborn brother to give me a bit of privacy.”

  “And…” she smiled, pulling out my cell phone.

  My eyes bulged out and all I could do was jump on her and plant tons of kisses on her left and right cheeks.

  “But he wouldn't bend on the bathroom rule; in fact he lowered it to five minutes now. You're also not allowed to use cars, and you have to start taking your medication.”

  She made me so happy after giving me my phone; I barely heard anything else she had said, until she got to the word medication. Still all I did was smile at her, and then shake my head.

  “Aunt Courtney, I told y'all already, I’m not taking those and I don't need them.”

  “So you want to be put in a mental institution? That’s where you're headed if you don't start taking them.”

  “That's my fate, or in prison,” I smiled, looking at my phone.

  “Don't say it like that Krystle you don't know what the judgment will be.”

  “Y'all say I killed him and I don't remember any of that. But if what y'all said was true, my fate has been signed, sealed, and delivered a long time ago.”

  She shook her head and then walked to my dresser where a tray was sitting. “Fine Krystle, whatever you say. But guess what, I made your favorite lunch. My peace offering, grilled cheese and tomato basil soup.”

  “From scratch?”

  “You know it,” she said with a wink, walking with the tray towards me. She sat it in front of me and then sat on the edge of my bed.

  “Sooo, what do you think about going to Bishop's resting spot?”

  “Umm… I don't really know,” I said, dipping the grilled cheese in the soup then biting it.

  “I think it's a good idea. Maybe it'll bring back a memory or something, you know?”

  “Probably not,” I shrugged. “If I do decide to go, it won't be like tomorrow or nothing like that, right?”

  “No, not that soon. Whenever you think you can.” She smiled, standing up and smoothing over her clothes as I finished my meal.

  Without another word, she picked up the tray and left my room, closing the door behind her. Finally, I was able to get some peace. I seldom received phone calls, but having that freedom again made me glow on the inside. I lay back, powering my cell on, breathing a sigh of relief. To my surprise, there were twelve voice messages. “I guess someone was thinking of me,” I said sarcastically to myself. Before I got a chance to click the voicemail icon, my cell vibrated, reading the word unavailable.

  I didn't think twice when my first call came in; I just answered it. “This is Krystle!” I smiled, answering happily.

  “Who had your phone?”

  “Who is this?” I asked, sitting up.

  “Don't play, Krystle! You know exactly who… I… am.”

  Recognizing the voice, I hung up immediately, lowering the ring volume from vibrate to silent, tossing it near my feet.

  “It's all in my head. She's not real.” I stood and walked to my vanity mirror, looking at myself. “She's just someone you made up.”

  I glanced back at my phone that still lay on my bed face up. The screen lit up, repeatedly showing the word unavailable until I gave in.

  Tears rolled down my eyes as I answered with my voice shaky and timid, “You're not real!”

  She began to laugh, and then sucked her teeth. “And who did you let convince you that? Let me guess, Fifi? Or no, maybe it was that nice Aunt Courtney… ooh ooh, or even your daddy? The one that don't even fuck with you, girl, I'm all you got!”

  Plopping down on the floor, I rubbed my forehead then sighed.

  “What do you want from me, Akira?”

  “The question is, what do you want from me?”

  “I want you to go away and leave me alone so I can live my life!” I cried.

  “Look, I would love to say that I will, but we both know you don't want that to happen. You're the one still holding on to me,” she chuckled.

  I know I'm probably going to hate myself for what I'm about to say, but I know I'm going to have to hear her out one more time. I can't let my family down no more than I have already.”

  “Where and when do you want to meet? I'm tired of being called crazy. Understand, after this, I'm done.”

  “Look at you trying to be me using words like understand,” Akira laughed. “Your mouth says that, but your mind says something else. Meet me tonight in the cul-de-sac with the empty houses on Woodridge Street,” she said, before hanging up.

  That night I waited until after my dad and aunt were good and sleep, before I crept out my window onto a branch, shimmying down a tree in my backyard.

  I ran for six blocks until I got to Woodridge Street then stood under a streetlight in the middle of the cul-de-sac.

  “Akira, I don't have all night! Show your face now!” I yelled, my voice echoing through the vacant street.

  She once again appeared out of nowhere, clapping slowly walking up to me. “Did you get it all out? You feel better?” she asked, walking to where I was standing.

  “What do you want, so I can get on with my life?”

  “What you want, Krystle, I can do for you, just like I did last time with Bishop.”

  “I don't need you to do anything for me, except leave me alone! Why can't you understand that, Akira?”

  “My understanding is only what's allowed, I can hear your thoughts and let's face it; you need my help. I only called you out here, because I know you're about to do something that you shouldn't.”

  I was getting annoyed and ready to go, but it felt as if she had a hold on me that made me unable to move.

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  She sighed deeply then stepped a little closer to me, “You too stupid and afraid to open your eyes. If you start taking that medication, you're going to lose yourself! Don't let them people convince you that you need t
hat shit!”

  “It seems like you're afraid of going away.” I smiled.

  “That's the last thing I'm afraid of. Listen to me and listen to me good. This right here is your reality, not what your aunt and father are trying to push on you. If you take that shit, it will be the worst mistake of your life,” she said, turning her back on me, beginning to walk away.

  “I have to do what I have to do for my family!” I yelled.

  “That decision is going to cost you, but don't worry, I'll be waiting for you. Remember, you'll need me before I need you.”

  Akira winked at me before disappearing in the moonlight as I stood there wondering what she meant.

  Chapter Nine

  COURTNEY

  “You're doing what?” I asked, scratching the side of my face. “But y'all can't… Not right now, but… You're my lawyer; you have to do something! Ughh!” I yelled, slamming down the phone.

  “Who the hell was that?” Tony asked, grabbing a triangle-cut piece of grilled cheese sandwich.

  “The lawyer,” I said, walking toward the stove. “They said the judge is moving the date up and they can't stall it.”

  “What is that, tomato soup?” my brother asked, looking into the pot I began to stir.

  I sucked my teeth and then elbowed him to the left a little. “Damn Tony, can you please focus on one thing right now? This is serious, what are we going to do? Neither one of us is prepared; I bet Krystle isn’t either.”

  “Shit, she just gon’ have to plead insanity. The way I see it, if she did that; then it won't be so hard on her. I know I sound harsh, but I have come to grips with it; hell, she doesn't even remember what she did!”

  “You're right, she doesn't remember. Don't you think it's time that we come together, step up, and help her to pull those memories out?” I asked, walking to the cabinet, pulling out a bowl.

  “No, if they put her on that stand and she remembers whatever it is you want her to remember, they will not give her anything less than the death penalty. Besides that, she hasn't even spoken about any of that… Has she?”

  I smiled as I scooped some soup into the bowl and placed it on the counter. “No, but I think she's going to start remembering real soon,” I said, dropping two pills into the soup, stirring it.