Christmas on Primrose Hill

by Karen Swan

  ‘It is!’ Nettie cried, feeling her calm begin to crumble, sensing her mother recede. ‘Having you back is all that matters. You’re all we want. We’ve missed you so much.’

  But her mother just shook her head. ‘It’s not just me, you see.’

  Nettie reeled, stepping back as though the words were pushing her over. What? She had . . . another husband? Another man?

  She whipped round to face her father, who still hadn’t said a word. He didn’t look like he’d taken a breath in all that time.

  ‘Dad?’ Nettie asked, making to move towards him, before noticing suddenly his eyeline. The angle of it. Tears rising like moons in his eyes. Understanding dawning.

  She turned back again, feeling the spin of the earth slow fractionally. For there, at the bottom of the steps, behind her mother, was a little girl – thin but rosy-cheeked in a puffy hooded snowsuit. No more than three years old, she guessed.

  ‘This is Molly,’ her mother said, but her voice had changed again, thin to the point of translucence, weightless. ‘And I understand if . . . I understand . . .’ The emotion she had kept in check till now – the courage she had mustered to get to this doorstep – broke free like wild horses and she dropped her head. Nettie noticed her hands were balled into fists, the sinews in her neck straining like she was lifting a weight far heavier than she could bear.

  ‘Mummy sad?’ the little girl said in a voice as high as a piccolo, and with it, drawing from her father the sound that had been lost till now – an anguished yelp, like a dog with a pin in its paw, a man with a break in his heart.

  Nettie couldn’t take her eyes off her sister, remembering the doll she’d seen in the box at the flat yesterday.

  ‘I know what I’ve put you through. I know what I’ve denied you, Gerry. And I’ve missed you so badly, more than you could ever know. But I didn’t know how to . . . to say it . . .’ her mother said, the words drifting into silence. Nettie and her father were unmoving as they stared at the little girl they had never once even thought to imagine.

  ‘When I walked out that day, I had no idea I wasn’t going to return. I just . . . had to walk. And think. I’d come back from the doctor’s and I didn’t know how to tell you I was pregnant again, not after the conversation we’d had. But then I walked so far I didn’t even know where I was or how long I’d been walking. I’d left without my bag and I realized I had no way of getting back – I couldn’t catch a bus or train or taxi. I felt so stupid, so guilty, knowing what you must be going through to come home and find me gone.’

  Neither Nettie nor her father replied. It was a day neither one of them would ever be able to forget – or, possibly, forgive.

  ‘And yet, the next morning, my absence made it all seem somehow easier. My mind felt clearer. I knew I wanted the baby and so it seemed obvious, suddenly, what I had to do. I’d been so broken. At some level, I think I thought you’d be better off without me.’

  ‘How could I ever be better off without you?’ Nettie cried. ‘You’re my mother. I needed you.’

  ‘But Molly did too, and I didn’t think I could have you both,’ her mother said quietly. ‘You were so . . . independent, finding your place in the world. You’d got a job, found your first flat, were settling into a relationship.’ She shrugged hopelessly. ‘You’d grown up. I didn’t think you needed me anymore.’

  ‘You were wrong,’ Nettie whispered bitterly, feeling the tears smart at her eyes as she stared down with a stony heart at the fledgling child. She had been abandoned by her mother for her? She had always wanted a sibling – but not at this price.

  ‘I know that now. And I’m so sorry, darling.’

  Molly staggered up the steps, seemingly not aware that her legs bent at the knee, and making her mother smile through her tears as she bent down to scoop her up. Nettie was surprised to realize she had laughed too.

  Her mother looked back at her, the child on her hip, terror in her eyes. ‘Nettie, this is your little sister, Molly.’

  Nettie blinked as the little girl looked straight at her – guileless, brimful, innocent. They had the same almond eyes.

  ‘Would you like to hold her? I’ve told her all about you.’

  Nettie bit her lip, recoiling slightly as she checked her instinct to reach out. The silence behind her was becoming oppressive, like a choking fog seeping towards her. ‘Dad?’ she asked, half turning to him. She couldn’t abandon him after everything they’d endured together.

  He came to stand behind her, his hand on the door, knuckles blanched white and an expression on his face she couldn’t read – joy marbled with grief, relief with betrayal, surprise with dismay . . .

  ‘Gerry?’ Her mother’s voice wavered and Nettie understood this was it. The final chance. She stood still, braced for either the silence or words that would confirm the path their lives would follow once and for all. Could her father forgive this? Could she?

  She closed her eyes as she felt him step back, a rush of air gathering behind her as he stepped away from the door, retreating into the shadow of the house, and desolation barrelled through her. It was too late; he had been pushed too hard, for too long, his wife’s secret a step too far—

  ‘We’re just making some tea,’ he said.

  There was another pause, and Nettie’s gaze tangled with her little sister’s as they waited, both of them, for their family’s fate to be decided, negotiated.

  ‘A good cup of tea?’ her mother asked back, a light beginning to shine in her eyes.

  Nettie caught her breath as she heard the refrain that had echoed throughout her whole life – the remedy for any problem, no matter how terrible.

  She watched as her father slowly smiled too. ‘Yes. We’re going to have a good cup of tea.’

  Acknowledgements

  A person going missing is uniquely sad. In the course of my research into the subject, I read many historic stories of people going missing that articulated the lingering despair of the families left behind who are not only left wondering where their loved ones are, but also whether they are even alive and safe. Missing People is an excellent charity that provides support to both the people who go missing and their families, and the lyrics you read in the St Martins-in-the-Field scene are taken from a song ‘I Miss You’, written especially for them by a father whose son went missing twenty-six years ago. Should you be so inclined, it’s well worth taking the time to listen to it, as it’s hauntingly beautiful and the £1 download fee benefits the charity. www.missingpeople.org.uk/imissyou

  As someone whose working day involves spending eight hours alone in a room, making up worlds in my head, the more niche machinations of big corporations are outside my immediate sphere of knowledge, so I’d like to offer big thanks to Sarah (@sesp) who volunteered her expertise from the Twittersphere – rather appropriately given the topic of this book. I had never heard of CSR before our first messages and I’m so grateful for her patience in advising me.

  Also, as ever, I’d like to thank the teams both personal and professional that support me day to day in getting my books written, finessed and published into these beautiful, sparkling products: Victoria Hughes-Williams and Caroline Hogg, thank you for your insightful and incisive edits; Natasha Harding, your military-grade organizational powers; Katie James, ever-smiling and ever-optimistic on my behalf even though my life is unfailingly boring for editorial purposes; Jodie Mullish and Amy Lines, doing things that I will never understand with computers (meta-what?) but that somehow mean the most beautiful posters of my books are flagged up on walls and screens around the country; Daniel Jenkins, Stuart Dwyer and Anna Bond for securing dazzling subs that mean bookshelves (both nationally and internationally) are groaning under the weight of Karen Swan tomes; James Annal, for such a lovely cover – again; Eloise Wood and my copy-editor Laura Collins for enduring my appalling grammar; Holly Sheldrake for the alchemy that turns my word document into beautiful book-dom; and Jeremy Trevathan and Wayne Brookes for seeing the big picture. I’m so grateful to
you all.

  To my family – all of you – I couldn’t make you up. You’re better than fiction.

  Prima

  DONNA

  by

  Karen Swan

  Breaking the rules was what she liked best. That was her sport.

  Renegade, rebel, bad girl. Getting away with it.

  Pia Soto is the sexy and glamorous prima ballerina, the Brazilian bombshell who’s shaking up the ballet world with her outrageous behaviour. She’s wild and precocious, and she’s a survivor. She’s determined that no man will ever control her destiny. But ruthless financier Will Silk has Pia in his sights, and has other ideas . . .

  Sophie O’Farrell is Pia’s hapless, gawky assistant, the girl-next-door to Pia’s Prima Donna, always either falling in love with the wrong man or just falling over. Sophie sets her own dreams aside to pick up the debris in Pia’s wake, but she’s no angel. When a devastating accident threatens to cut short Pia’s illustrious career, Sophie has to step out of the shadows and face up to the demons in her own life.

  Christmas at

  TIFFANY’S

  by

  Karen Swan

  Three cities, three seasons, one chance to find the life that fits.

  Cassie settled down too young, marrying her first serious boyfriend. Now, ten years later, she is betrayed and broken. With her marriage in tatters and no career or home of her own, she needs to work out where she belongs in the world and who she really is.

  So begins a year-long trial as Cassie leaves her sheltered life in rural Scotland to stay with each of her best friends in the most glamorous cities in the world: New York, Paris and London. Exchanging grouse moor and mousy hair for low-carb diets and high-end highlights, Cassie tries on each city for size as she attempts to track down the life she was supposed to have been leading, and with it, the man who was supposed to love her all along.

  The Perfect

  PRESENT

  by

  Karen Swan

  Memories are a gift . . .

  Haunted by a past she can’t escape, Laura Cunningham desires nothing more than to keep her world small and precise – her quiet relationship and growing jewellery business are all she needs to get by. Until the day when Rob Blake walks into her studio and commissions a necklace that will tell his enigmatic wife Cat’s life in charms.

  As Laura interviews Cat’s family, friends and former lovers, she steps out of her world and into theirs – a charmed world where weekends are spent in Verbier and the air is lavender-scented, where friends are wild, extravagant and jealous, and a big love has to compete with grand passions.

  Hearts are opened, secrets revealed and as the necklace begins to fill up with trinkets, Cat’s intoxicating life envelops Laura’s own. By the time she has to identify the final charm, Laura’s metamorphosis is almost complete. But the last story left to tell has the power to change all of their lives forever, and Laura is forced to choose between who she really is and who it is she wants to be.

  Christmas at

  CLARIDGE’S

  by

  Karen Swan

  The best presents can’t be wrapped . . .

  This was where her dreams drifted to if she didn’t blot her nights out with drink; this was where her thoughts settled if she didn’t fill her days with chat. She remembered this tiny, remote foreign village on a molecular level and the sight of it soaked into her like water into sand, because this was where her old life had ended and her new one had begun.

  Portobello – home to the world-famous street market, Notting Hill Carnival and Clem Alderton. She’s the queen of the scene, the girl everyone wants to be or be with. But beneath the morning-after make-up, Clem is keeping a secret, and when she goes too far one reckless night she endangers everything – her home, her job and even her adored brother’s love.

  Portofino – a place of wild beauty and old-school glamour. Clem has been here once before and vowed never to return. But when a handsome stranger asks Clem to restore a neglected villa, it seems like the answer to her problems – if she can just face up to her past.

  Claridge’s – at Christmas. Clem is back in London working on a special commission for London’s grandest hotel. But is this really where her heart lies?

  The

  SUMMER

  WITHOUT

  YOU

  by

  Karen Swan

  Everything will change . . .

  Rowena Tipton isn’t looking for a new life, just a new adventure; something to while away the months as her long-term boyfriend presses pause on their relationship before they become engaged. But when a chance encounter at a New York wedding leads to an audition for a coveted house share in the Hamptons – Manhattan’s elite beach scene – suddenly a new life is exactly what she’s got.

  Stretching before her is a summer with three eclectic housemates, long days on white-sand ocean beaches and parties on gilded tennis courts. But high rewards bring high stakes and Rowena soon finds herself caught in the crossfire of a vicious intimidation campaign. Alone for the first time in her adult life, she has no one to turn to but a stranger who is everything she doesn’t want – but possibly everything she needs.

  Christmas in

  THE SNOW

  by

  Karen Swan

  In London, the snow is falling and Christmas is just around the corner – but Allegra Fisher barely has time to notice. She’s pitching for the biggest deal of her career and can’t afford to fail. When she meets Sam Kemp on the plane to the meeting, she can’t afford to lose her focus. But when Allegra finds herself up against Sam for the bid, their passion quickly turns sour.

  In Zermatt in the Swiss Alps, a long-lost mountain hut is discovered in the snow after sixty years. The last person expecting to become involved is Allegra – she hasn’t even heard of the woman they found inside. It soon becomes clear the two women are linked and, as she and Isobel travel out to make sense of the mystery, hearts thaw and dark secrets are uncovered . . .

  Summer at

  TIFFANY’S

  by

  Karen Swan

  A wedding to plan. A wedding to stop. What could go wrong?

  Cassie loves Henry. Henry loves Cassie. With a Tiffany ring on her finger, all that Cassie has left to do is plan the wedding. It should be so simple but when Henry pushes for a date, Cassie pulls back.

  Henry’s wild, young cousin, Gem, has no such hesitations and is racing to the aisle at a sprint, determined to marry in the Cornish church where her parents were wed. But the family is set against it, and Cassie resolves to stop the wedding from going ahead.

  When Henry lands an expedition sailing the Pacific for the summer, Cassie decamps to Cornwall, hoping to find the peace of mind she needs to move forwards. But in the dunes and coves of the northern Cornish coast, she soon discovers that the past isn’t finished with her yet.

  Christmas on Primrose Hill

  Karen Swan was previously a fashion editor before turning her hand to writing novels. She lives in East Sussex with her husband and three children.

  Visit Karen’s website at www.karenswan.com, or you can find Karen Swan’s author page on Facebook or follow her on Twitter @KarenSwan1

  Also by Karen Swan

  Players

  Prima Donna

  Christmas at Tiffany’s

  The Perfect Present

  Christmas at Claridge’s

  The Summer Without You

  Christmas in the Snow

  Summer at Tiffany’s

  First published 2015 by Macmillan

  This electronic edition published 2015 by Pan Books

  an imprint of Pan Macmillan

  20 New Wharf Road, London N1 9RR

  Associated companies throughout the world

  www.panmacmillan.com

  ISBN 978-1-4472-8012-5

  Copyright © Karen Swan 2015

  Cover images: Landscape © Ben Queenborough / Alamy; girl © Steve Glass / Getty Images

  The ri
ght of Karen Swan to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  Pan Macmillan does not have any control over, or any responsibility for, any author or third party websites referred to in or on this book.

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  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

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