by Joey Bush
“Shit,” Max said stopping short as we made our way into the room.
“What, did you step in something?” I asked
His voice was uneasy. “No, it appears a new girl joined the class.”
I laughed. “She’s probably been here all along and you just haven’t noticed her.”
“I would normally agree, but it’s Valerie from The Spot.”
I snickered. “Now you know how I feel.”
****
Ryder walked in the room, so Max and his problems would have to wait until after class. Ryder was wearing his teaching garb, which included a tie and his golf cap.
The way he eyed me made me feel as if he was mine. Since our intense bonding had happened, I was confident that Ryder and I had laid the foundation for a relationship.
“Hey all. Today we’re going to begin our unit on a very delicate subject. We are going to discuss pregnancy. You all know where babies come from and we have discussed methods we can use to prevent unexpected pregnancies and sexually transmitted disease. You will notice that I don’t call them unwanted pregnancies but unexpected pregnancies. I’m going to give you a very important piece of advice. If you’re a woman and you think you’re pregnant—go to health services. Do not waste time because decisions need to be made by you, and hopefully your partner. A tiny fetus isn’t going to wait around to grow,” Ryder said in his professorial tone, which was different from his every day voice. Then there was his bedroom voice, which was amazing. Thinking of the sound of that voice pushed me to think about things not suited to the classroom.
I listened to Ryder’s lecture and I appeared to be paying attention to the words coming out of his mouth but I wasn’t. I was watching his body sway when he spoke. It was better than watching a ballet. I could see nearly every girl in the class staring at him. I was intimate with the guy that a lot of girls wanted. This never happened to me.
“I know this class has been a bit of a bummer. Pregnancy is beautiful at the right time. If you chose to zone out as we talked about various safe sex methods, then I hope you listened today.
Class was over and Ryder collected his things. He wasn’t in any hurry to leave so I took it as a signal that he would be available to chat after the others left. I assumed that we would make plans for the upcoming days to do something special.
“Are you coming, Jenna? Max asked. “Oh, I forgot, you have to check in with lover boy. I’ll wait for ya at the bottom of the steps.”
“I may be a while, Max.” I winked.
“No problem,” he said, and walked off.
Ryder closed the door once everyone had left, leaving us alone.
“I swear it looked as if there was a fucking halo over your head in class today,” he said while walking back to the podium.
“Halo – really, Ryder? A halo on my head after the other night? I doubt it,” I said. Ryder strode over and tugged me out of my chair and pulled me tight to his chest.
“It was where you were sitting Jenna. The sunlight was directed at the top of your blonde head. With your white shirt, you looked like a fucking angel. I know that you’re more of a devil but you’re my devil and I can’t fucking get enough of you.”
“We have a long weekend so you will have plenty of me…I will be able to stay all night without having to worry about my mother. I will cook something decadent for dinner and I will serve you breakfast in bed. I make a great omelet if you like eggs. I do remember that with the chemo my father couldn’t tolerate eggs though but I’m sure we can work around it.” I was bubbling with anticipation.
“Whoa. Slow down. Everything sounds wonderful but perhaps another time. I won’t be able to spend time with you at all this weekend.” Ryder pulled away.
“Why not?” I asked. I felt that I deserved some sort of an explanation.
“I have been neglecting some things and they’re important things that need my attention. I don’t want to get into it now.” Ryder was obviously uncomfortable.
“You can’t be hiding anything else, Ryder. I know how old you’re and I know you have cancer. If it’s about chemo, I can help you through it. Or are you married or something?”
“I’m not married, Jenna,” Ryder said flatly.
“Nice time to retreat, Ryder. I put a great deal on the line to be with you. I’m so confused by you sometimes. Call me when you’re finished with your important matters and be prepared to come clean about whatever you’re hiding.”
I stormed out of the classroom as Ryder called my name.
“Jenna, Jenna Walsh. You have to—” Ryder’s voice trailed off.
****
Max was waiting for me when I walked out of class and I was clearly agitated. Anyone who knew me well knew that when I was flustered I grabbed the elastic from my wrist and put my hair up. True to form, I pulled my hair up tight into a ponytail.
“That wasn’t long, Jenna. Did you manage a quickie under the desk?”
“Max, I’m not in the mood. Why don’t you go talk to your friend, Valerie?” I tried to rush past him.
“Was your man not in the mood or did he blow his wad too quickly? It is unfortunate when that stuff happens, but it’s most likely his age. I’m not looking forward to being old.”
As always, I tried hard to ignore Max, which wasn’t an easy task. I should have been thankful that I had a friend who could make me smile when I wanted to cry. I cracked a small grin, but I was still upset.
“Ryder is a jackass. Can we just leave it at that?” I snapped at Max and hurried back to Leach Hall.
Thank god Kelly wasn’t there. I emptied my golf bag on the floor. Memories came flooding back. I thought about his hands cradling mine as I practiced my grip and the sweet smell of his breath. His initials stood out on the underbelly of my pink Calloway bag. Tees and balls lay scattered on the floor and my anger turned to sadness.
I was sick of his secrets.
I had no idea why Ryder wasn’t able to see me that weekend. In the back of my mind, I knew Ryder wasn’t married. I had so many questions. Was I foolish and built up our relationship too much in my mind? I hated to think of myself as so stupid. He had said he needed me too. I knew the best medicine was a very long run because, if I did not redirect my feelings, I was apt to hurl my irons out the window. That would’ve been a tough one to explain to the campus police.
Kelly walked into our room. I hated anyone to see me that way. My face was red and stained with the trails of my tears.
“Hey, Kelly,” I said.
“You look like you have been crying. What’s up?” Kelly asked.
“Something someone said took me by surprise and pissed me off,” I said.
The room was a mess. It looked as if a tornado had touched down. It may have been a familiar sight to Kelly from Kansas.
“Is there anything I can do?” Kelly was sympathetic and not pissed about the room.
“I realize that I must look pathetic, but I assure you, Kelly, this will pass. I just had a meltdown. I will run it out of me,” I said shyly.
“Don’t worry, I have seen worse. I have a little brother and he’s done plenty of damage to his room. I shudder to think what he would do with a set of golf clubs. I’m here if you want to talk, but until then, I will give you your space.” Kelly smiled.
“Thanks, Kel. You are just what I needed.”
I threw on my spandex and inserted my ear buds, then I was out of Leach Hall and on the road.
Chapter Four
On Friday, I departed from psychology class and decided to go home for the weekend. It was my intention to recharge my batteries, repair the mess between my mother and me, and spend time with Sayler. I was lying to myself that Ryder would not be on my mind since I was going to be within spitting distance of his house. From my mom’s bathroom, I would have a clear view of his bedroom. Her toilet’s location made it the perfect perch from which to watch him sleep—or perform other bedroom activities. It was his other activities that made me cringe. If I were to see Ryder i
n bed with another woman, I would be tempted to throw some bottles of lotion out the window.
I packed my duffle with some clothes for the weekend. I threw in an unspectacular array of jeans and t-shirts. I placed my out-of-fashion, ripped jeans in my bag. I would not have the opportunity to impress anyone with my threads. My mother’s garden needed to be put to bed, requiring my grungiest attire. I would be pulling apart the tomato plants and remnants of the squash vines. It was my least favorite part of the fall. It represented the end of something. I was trying not to create an analogy in my mind between my relationship with Ryder ending and the garden that had gone to seed.
As I was packing my toiletries, my phone buzzed with the arrival of a text. It was from Ryder. Before pressing delete, which I had become accustomed to doing, I read the message.
Have a grt w/e. J
I wasn’t ready to talk to Ryder until he showed that he was ready to tell me what was going on. I threw my bag in my car, plugged in my iPod, and dialed up the volume. I had playlists to suit every mood. Each one was arranged with the help of my nephew. I sang along to Beyoncé, who—along with the help of Katy Perry, Taylor Swift and a little Alicia Keys—would improve my mood. I put my car on cruise control to not risk another speeding ticket.
****
I pulled up to my mother’s home. Of course, I passed by Ryder’s house. He wasn’t home; the lights were out. His car wasn’t in the driveway, so I assumed that he was on the golf course finishing a round before the sun set. Maybe he was in the lounge by that point, guzzling a beer.
He shouldn’t be drinking alcohol.
Constant worries about Ryder and remembering his touch followed me. I turned off the music and took a deep breath before entering my mother’s house.
“Hi, Mom. I hope you got my message that I would be staying over for a couple of nights. If I’m not welcome, I will sleep on the Lindner’s couch,” I said.
My mom was wearing a skirt and one of my old silk blouses. I had worn them during a stage that I was trying to look older. The look did not suit me and the items had been relegated to the back of my closet.
She sighed. “Of course you’re welcome. You are my daughter, and, despite what you say, this is your home. I think we’re both going through a growth phase. We are in different places and that’s going to put our differences under a microscope.”
“Hell, Mom. Did you sit in on my psych class? You sound like Dr. Phil,” I said. I was surprised at my mom’s maturity.
“No.” My mother laughed. “I’m reading one of those self-help books. I have many of them whose spines have never been cracked. I’m a little behind but I’m reading. Falling asleep without the help of gin is taking some getting used to.” My mother gave me an apologetic grin.
“Yeah. God job, Mom. I think I could use some of those books myself.” I threw down my bag.
“I cleaned your sheets, Jenna. I guess it’s none of my business, but I’m still your mother. It is my business to know things. Why aren’t you with the professor?”
“The professor’s name is Ryder and I don’t want to discuss it right now. I’m here to work on your jungle out back. Can you let me focus on that?” I asked firmly.
“I will try and respect that, Jenna. I made rosemary chicken for dinner. Can you believe I actually used the conventional oven? I had to read the users-manual and it probably tastes like dog shit but I tried it. Speaking of dog shit, I have to take Potato for a walk.”
“I’m sure it’s edible. The house didn’t burn down, which is a good sign. Mom, I do have one question.”
“Okay. What is it, Jenna?” my mother asked.
“Why are you wearing a skirt to make dinner and take the dog for a walk? It wouldn’t be odd, but you’re normally in sweats.”
“Because I never know who I will run in to. Have you seen Mr. Simmons lately? The man is getting in shape again. I’m just testing the waters—I’m not dead yet.” My mother smiled as she walked out the door.
I noticed Ryder’s lights go on as I set the table for dinner. I pulled closed the curtain so as not to keep an eye on him. It was my intention to have dinner with my mother, which was a rare event. I decided to try to sleep and approach the next day with a positive attitude. I had forgotten how to set a proper table. For years, my father was too ill to eat at the table and then my mother drank at dinner alone. Ryder’s house was the last place I had eaten a home cooked meal.
My thoughts wandered back to the first night we ate together on his backyard patio. I hardly knew him, but the feelings were strong. It was the night I gave him a blowjob. It seemed like a long time ago. Back then, it was merely an infatuation, and now it was so much more. If he had not thrown up a roadblock, I would’ve been with him on that night. Perhaps we would’ve finally finished watching a movie—but probably not.
My mother snapped me back to the present when she walked in the door. Although, it wasn’t a walk at all; it was a skip. Potato hobbled in behind her. They both appeared out of breath.
“Good walk, Mom? If I’m not mistaken you seem to have broken a sweat.”
“I had a great walk. Claude Simmons was out for his jog, which he made into a brisk walk when he saw Potato and me. We started to chat. The man is very funny and he tells a great joke, which I think is a dying art. Tomorrow, I’m back to sweat pants.”
“You have great legs Mom. Why cover them up? As we age, we should know our assets and show them off,” I said.
“First of all, Jenna, you know nothing about aging yet. Secondly, I’m taking a jog with Claude Simmons. I may even head down to the discount store and pick up a new pair of appropriate pants.” My mom smiled.
Finally, a diversion from my obsession with Ryder.
“You are not going to a discount store Mom. We are heading to the mall to hook you up with the latest athleisure-wear and we will drop the cruller from your head. I have no idea why you have worn you hair the same since I was a little girl. I knew you had it in you.”
“It’s not an official date, Jenna. It’s just a jog.”
“It’s more than I have on my weekend agenda. Let’s eat some chicken”
It was a chore to nibble through my mother’s chicken. Despite her giant and obvious flaws, she was trying. I excused myself from the table, leaving the dishes until the morning. The night view from the sink was similar to the one on the toilet upstairs. I couldn’t bear to watch Ryder.
I made it up to bed and skipped the shower out of Ryder avoidance. My sleep sucked. Knowing Ryder was next door and couldn’t see me for an unexplained reason caused me to toss and turn the entire night. I started to think the reason for his retreat was cancer. We never talked about his disease in detail. I was clueless about when he received treatment or how often. It was morose, but I almost wished it was his cancer. In a way, it would be less hurtful than another woman would. Cancer was only one of the scenarios I played through my head. It was a long night.
****
Finally, the sun peaked through my blinds. I could hear my mother from the kitchen. If things worked out with Claude Simmons, I would be happy for her. There would be at least one Walsh woman getting lucky. I sighed and made my way to the kitchen.
“You are up early Mom. What’s the occasion?” I said.
My mother was doing the dinner dishes from the night before, which was out of character.
“Let me do the dishes. I always do the dishes—which usually entails throwing away the plastic trays or fast food containers.”
“No, Jenna. I will do the dishes.”
My mother was insistent on doing the chore, which she hated. She even physically pushed me away from the sink.
“What the hell Mom? Are you spying on Ryder for me?” I said jokingly.
I walked to the sink and looked out the window. What I saw was shocking, especially at 7:30 in the morning. In Ryder’s yard, a woman was playing with a young boy. Ryder was walking out of his home carrying two cups of coffee. It looked ideal, as everyone was smiling and
laughing.
“Wow. Are you enjoying this Mom? The perfect family has moved in next-door.”
“I left your relationship with the professor up to you, Jenna. You said yourself that there were things you were still discovering about Ryder.”
“It sounds as if you have seen that woman before. Have you?” I asked.
“She’s there about every other weekend. Sometimes I just see the boy. They look like a happy family, Jenna, and I didn’t say anything because it’s something you had to see for yourself.”
“What I see is sickening. Ryder was dreaming to think I wouldn’t find out. You are his next-door neighbor and of course you would see him and report back to me.”
My mom was glad that the coffin of our relationship was being nailed shut. She also felt pity for me as a woman. No one deserved to find out that a man was cheating. Seeing it with my own eyes was a gut punch.
“Mom, I’m going to go lay down. I’m afraid our trip to the mall will have to wait. Have a great time on your jog with Claude. I’m beyond embarrassed and if you say I told you so, I’ll hit ya – I might kill you.”
I pounded up the stairs. I paused between my bedroom door and the bathroom. I chose the bathroom with a clear view of Ryder’s house and yard. I sat on the toilet, cracked open the clouded window and sobbed. I had a front row seat to Ryder and his companion’s frolic on the lawn below.
The woman was probably Ryder’s age, if not a bit older. She was taller than I was at about 5’8”. Compared to my 5’3”, she was an amazon. She had blonde-hair like me, but it was short. She was very fit and strong and looked as if she were an athlete – maybe a golfer. Ryder had mentioned Robin Wright from Princess Bride and House of Cards as his Hollywood crush. She resembled her.
The boy was younger than my nephew, who served as my measuring stick. He was between seven and nine. They had set up a mini Frisbee golf course on the lawn, which looked like fun. The trio seemed very comfortable together as though they had been acquainted for a very long time. Ryder had been lying for a while. This wasn’t a one-night stand.
