Been Here All Along

by Sandy Hall

  “What should we do?” Kyle asks.

  “It’s cool,” I say. “We can go hang out at my house.”

  But when we walk in my front door, the peace and quiet is almost deafening, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to entertain Ruby. I know how to entertain Kyle. I’ve had years of practice, but I have no clue what Ruby’s into. I should know more about her, since she’s been my best friend’s girlfriend for six months. But all I know is that she loves cheerleading and she spends a lot of time with her family.

  “So what do you guys want to do?” I ask.

  Kyle chews on his lip. “Um, maybe we should have grabbed my PS4 while we were at my house. Ruby’s a big fan of Grand Theft Auto.”

  “Are you really?” I ask.

  “Yeah, it’s not so bad,” she says.

  Kyle gives me a meaningful look. “Would you mind helping me get all the stuff together for it?” he asks. “You know I never grab the right cables or whatever.”

  “Um, sure,” I say.

  “Ruby, you stay here,” he says quickly. “Go hang out in the den and we’ll be right back.”

  Ruby looks a little taken aback, but she seems to follow his directions as we head out the front door and back to Kyle’s house.

  As soon as we’re alone in Kyle’s room, he starts talking. “I need your help, but I don’t really want to tell anyone else, but I know I can trust you.”

  “Of course, anything.”

  “I’m doing kind of bad in English, and I need you to tutor me,” he says. He licks his lips. “Please.”

  “Oh,” I say. “Um, sure, of course.”

  “Gupta gave me your name on a list of peer tutors, so I figured you’d be into it.”

  “Definitely.” I scratch my head. “What do you need to do?”

  He shrugs. “Nothing right now. I have a paper due in a couple of weeks, but I turned in an extra-credit essay and that didn’t go well. So she told me about the peer tutoring thing.”

  “How bad are you doing?”

  He scrunches up his nose. Oh God, he’s too cute.

  “Well, I’m getting a D this marking period.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Yeah, and I need to keep my GPA above a C so I don’t lose my spot at that basketball camp this summer.”

  “We’ll figure it out,” I say. “I promise.”

  He grins and seems more himself already.

  six

  Ruby

  I’ve always been aware of the fact that Kyle and Gideon live next door to each other. Their houses are definitely similar to look at them from the outside, like you can tell that someone tried to build them in the same style. Gideon’s house is obviously a little bigger and a little older. But I expected it to be a normal-person house.

  I did not expect it to be a freaking mansion on the inside.

  When Kyle and Gideon leave me alone, I can’t help but wander around a little.

  His house has this gigantic foyer with big stairs and a couple of doorways off it. I’m sure they just think of it as a hallway or something. Really rich people are always downplaying how rich they are.

  I take a peek into each door as I pass and find the exact kind of super ridiculously fancy parlor you would expect on one side, with an equally fancy dining room on the other. Then there’s a family room with a big-ass TV, and finally the kitchen. But even the kitchen is bigger than I would expect, with an island and a separate eat-in area, like a breakfast nook. There’s one room beyond the kitchen, like a big sun porch. Maybe it’s called a solarium. I don’t know, my House Hunters addiction has only gotten me so far in life, and my parents recently canceled our cable anyway.

  His mom is in the kitchen, looking really put together and a little too smiley for my taste.

  “Hi,” I say. “I’m Ruby, Kyle’s girlfriend.”

  “Hi,” she says, extending her hand to shake mine. “I’m Miriam Berko.”

  I never quite know how to respond to adults who tell me their first name like that. Am I supposed to say, “A real pleasure to meet you, Miriam. You have a lovely home”?

  Mrs. Berko shakes my hand up and down like it’s one of those old-fashioned water pumps and offers me a snack.

  “No thanks, I’m good,” I tell her, my smile plastered on. I’m honestly a little bit worried my face might get stuck like this.

  “Gideon and Kyle went back over to Kyle’s to get his PS4,” I tell her. “So I’m just going to wait for them in the den. If that’s okay.”

  “Sure, of course,” she says.

  I make my way back into the den and sit in the chair that looks the most used. And even then it doesn’t look like anyone ever really sits in it, but more like they bought it that way.

  I try to find a comfortable position, but in the process my phone slides out of my pocket and under the couch.

  When I reach to grab it, at first I pull out a binder that’s super disheveled and has paper coming out the edges. I swear I don’t mean to peek, but the edge of one has some writing on it and I can’t miss Kyle’s name. My natural nosiness takes over and I slide it out.

  It’s a to-do list. A to-do list about Gideon liking Kyle. And not in a friend way, like in a pretty obviously romantic way. There are tons of lists, each one more damning than the last. One of them is in Elvish, and something tells me that’s probably the worst of them all.

  I stop for a second and take in what I’m looking at.

  Not only is Gideon gay, but he’s in love with my boyfriend. Or at least in some pretty deep like with my boyfriend. It’s a lot to take in, and who knows when someone might walk into this room. I snap a picture of each list with my phone, because I want to understand better what’s going on. And because I’m just plain nosy. I really can’t help it.

  As I slide the binder back under the couch, the front door opens and closes and footsteps trail down the hall before they pause at the door.

  “Hi,” a male voice says. A male voice attached to a complete hottie who is neither Gideon nor Kyle.

  Ezra

  “Hey yourself,” she says.

  “Ruby, right?” I ask. She was a freshman when I was a senior. Even back then everyone knew who Ruby Vasquez was.

  “Yeah,” she says, nodding coolly and turning to look at me. “Ezra, right?”

  “Yeah. I wasn’t sure you’d remember.”

  “Hell yeah, I remember,” she says, breaking out into a grin. “You’re basically a legend at Madison High. Getting out of this stupid town and heading to L.A. to become a surfer is still one of the coolest things anyone from here has ever done.”

  I grin. I can’t help myself. That was pretty cool of me. Until my bar mitzvah money ran out. And then my graduation money. And then I realized that working at Starbucks thirty hours a week wasn’t going to cut it.

  But she doesn’t need to know about that stuff.

  “I heard you were doing really well, too. Like winning some kind of tournament.”

  I have no idea who would have started such a rumor, but I thank them in my head.

  “Oh totally. I’m just home for Passover.”

  “Isn’t that almost over? Are you leaving soon?”

  “Um. Not sure.” I did not expect this chick to know when Passover was, so instead I go for a quick change of subject. I survey the room, trying to think of something else to talk about.

  “I can only imagine how desperate you are to get back to California,” she continues.

  “Totally. So what are you doing here?” I ask, deciding to go with the obvious.

  “Well, we were supposed to be playing Grand Theft Auto, but Kyle and Gideon went over to his house to get the PS4 and have abandoned me here.”

  “Do you want something to drink?” I ask, gesturing toward the kitchen.

  “Nah, I’m good,” she says. “What’s California like? Is it everything you wanted it to be?”

  “Um, it was good. I had a lot of fun. Met a lot of people.” I realize too late that I’m talking in the past tense,
but if Ruby notices, she doesn’t say anything.

  “Well, it looks like it suits you,” she says, giving me an appraising look just as Kyle and Gideon come in through the back door.

  “I’m so sorry about making you wait, Ruby,” Gideon says. “And about him.” He points in my direction.

  “What about me?” I ask. “I was just being cordial to your guest.”

  “It’s really no big deal,” she says. Kyle sits down on the sofa next to her and puts his arm around her shoulders.

  “Sorry that took so long,” he says to her. Then he turns to me like he just noticed I was here. “How’s it going, Ezra? Gideon told me you were back, but I haven’t seen you around much.”

  “Yeah, I’ve been hiding in my cave,” I say seriously.

  “Well, it’s good to see you,” he says.

  I have to wonder if he could sense there was a little vibe going on between Ruby and me while we were waiting for them. Personally, I can’t help but notice there’s something going on between Gideon and Kyle. Like they were just telling secrets. They’re never this quiet around each other. Unless it’s for Ruby’s benefit. That’s gotta be a weird dynamic. It’s never fun to be the third wheel.

  I consider for a moment hanging out with them, but Gideon’s hooking up the PS4 and Ruby and Kyle are talking. They don’t need me. I head up to my room for another round of reruns on cable instead.

  seven

  Gideon

  After way too many hours spent playing video games, Kyle and Ruby leave and I clean up the family room. My parents went out for dinner a little while ago and Ezra is still upstairs in his cave, and it’s kind of nice to be alone to think.

  About halfway through the afternoon I started thinking about how guilty I feel about my list of things that are wrong with Kyle. I stop cleaning and realize that the binder I wrote the list in has been sitting under the couch for the past week.

  I fish it out and flip the pages to the terrible, horrible, really mean list.

  I read it over again and my stomach turns. Now that I know he’s having trouble in school, some of the stuff on here feels even more harsh and personal. Like I’m mocking his hard time. There’s only one solution.

  Kill it with fire.

  I grab the grill lighter from the junk drawer in the kitchen and go out to the back deck. I’m looking around for a metal bucket that my mom keeps out here for gardening when Ezra comes out behind me.

  “Why did you leave the door open? It’s freaking freezing out here!” he says, rubbing his arms.

  “You have thin California blood now. It’s fifty-seven degrees outside, which is really pretty nice for New Jersey in April.”

  “Shut up,” he says. He notices the lighter and the piece of paper. “What are you doing?”

  “Nothing,” I say, even though it’s obviously a lie.

  “Sure, sure,” he says, about to reach for the list.

  “Don’t touch that.”

  He holds his hands up in surrender. “So, what’s the deal with Ruby?”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “Are you into her?” he asks.

  “She’s dating Kyle.”

  “Doesn’t mean you can’t be into her,” he says as he folds his arms and leans against the doorjamb.

  “The fact that I’m gay does,” I mutter. It’s out in the air before I’m even fully aware of what I’m saying. I slap a hand over my mouth instinctively and look up at Ezra, whose jaw is basically on the floor.

  “Jesus Christ,” Ezra says.

  “He doesn’t have anything to do with this,” I say, trying my best to regain my composure. I rub my hands over my face and turn to give him my full attention. “I actually only recently realized it.”

  “That’s a pretty big deal, Giddyup.”

  “It’s not really.”

  “Did you tell Mom and Dad yet?”

  “No.”

  “Can I be there when you do? Because let’s be real, they’re going to be so excited. Mom especially. I’m sure she has a list of guys she could set you up with.”

  I can’t help but grin because he’s so right. “So you should know that you’re kind of the first person I’ve told.”

  “Seriously? Me?”

  “Yes. Why would I lie about that?” I ask, finally finding the bucket under the deck steps.

  “Fair point,” he says.

  I crush the offensive list in a ball and toss it in the bucket. Then I lean over and set that sucker on fire with the long-handled lighter.

  “So is this some kind of ritual burning?” Ezra asks. “Some kind of hazing to get you into the gay guy club?”

  I look at him and then back at the little fire that’s already burning itself out. I think about telling him about Kyle, about the list, about everything I’m dealing with. I’m not there yet. Maybe when I am, Ezra would be a good person to talk to. But for now, I go along with his jokes.

  “Yes. I am now a full-fledged member of what is technically the Order of Men Who Love Other Men.”

  “Ah yes, OMWLOM. Very prestigious.”

  I dump out the ash that’s in the bucket, and then Ezra and I head back inside, where he forces me to watch a marathon of classic eighties TV shows.

  But not before I hide the binder safely away in the Monopoly box under my bed.

  Ruby

  The second I get home, I know something is wrong. My parents sit at our kitchen table, their faces gray with worry.

  “We’ll talk in the morning,” my mom says, shooing me in the direction of the bedroom I share with my little sister. My brothers, David and Marco, share one, and Diana and I share the other. My parents sleep on a pullout couch in the living room. They say it’s not so bad, but I know they’re lying.

  I sit down across from them.

  “Can we please talk now?” I say. “This just doesn’t seem to be the time to start treating me like a little kid.”

  My dad shows me a memo from his job. They’re cutting third shift. His shift.

  “What does this mean? Can you get a different job? Move to a different time or something?” I ask, knowing even as I say the words that they wouldn’t look so worried if that was a possibility.

  My dad shakes his head.

  I chew my lip and look around my house. It’s nothing like Gideon’s, that’s for damn sure.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” my mom says. “And don’t you worry about it. We have it all under control.”

  “I could get a job,” I offer.

  “No,” my dad says quickly.

  “Why not? I’m eighteen. I should be working anyway.”

  “You need to concentrate on school,” my mom says, the old refrain. No matter how hard things get, they’re always so much more worried about me getting good grades than how much I could be helping with money.

  “But—”

  My dad cuts me off. “We’re going to need more help watching the kids. Mom’s going to get a second job, and I’m going to take whatever I can as soon as I can.”

  I swallow hard.

  “And we’ll cut wherever we can,” he adds.

  There’s not much more to cut, I think but don’t say out loud. Things have been lean around here for a while, which makes me wonder how long he’s known this might be a possibility.

  After a few more minutes, I go to bed. But I don’t sleep.

  eight

  Gideon

  I make my way up the front walk at Kyle’s house, and he must have been watching for me. He yanks open his front door and without a word, I shove my license into his hands.

  “Awesome,” he says. “Now you can drive sometimes.”

  “I can drive sometimes if and when my parents ever get me a car.”

  “Is there an estimate for that?”

  “When my mom finally picks out a new car, I get her current one. But she claims that I can borrow it whenever, since she works from home.”

  Kyle nods appreciatively and we walk into the kitchen, where we
collect every potential snack food and head down into the basement.

  “You ready for this?” he asks.

  “I was born ready.”

  “Oh yeah, happy birthday, or whatever.”

  “Thanks or whatever,” I say.

  We settle in to watch the first movie. We tend not to talk too much during the first few hours of it. It’s become almost a spiritual thing between us.

  “There’s nothing wrong with this movie,” Kyle says, restarting a conversation that we’ve had a million times, to the point where we each have our own set of lines and cues as we discuss it.

  “Absolutely not. It’s basically a masterpiece.”

  “It’s just, some of the acting…”

  “It’s so over the top,” I say, finishing his sentence as I always do.

  At that moment on-screen Frodo is kicking Boromir’s ass.

  “I can’t handle it when he looks up and pushes his hair back from his face,” Kyle says, giggling.

  “Frodo,” I say, in a near-perfect imitation of Boromir. I honestly couldn’t tell you if anyone else on earth finds this as funny as we do, but in the grand scheme of things, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that we find it hilarious.

  By the time we finish the first one, we’ve eaten all the snacks we brought down and decide to order a pizza.

  “So where are your parents?” I ask while we wait for it to arrive. It seemed sort of dumb to get into The Two Towers if we were just going to get interrupted by the doorbell twenty minutes in.

  “They took my sisters into the city to see some show.”

  “Well that was super nice of them,” I say as the doorbell rings, signaling the arrival of our pizza.

  “I love these extended editions. I don’t know why they didn’t just do the extended editions in the movies,” I say.

  “I love that you talk about this so authoritatively, as if you weren’t three when the movies were in the theaters.”

  “I can have opinions about anything I want to have opinions about,” I reply.

  “My opinion is that Elijah Wood is supercute.” This is the first time Kyle has ever mentioned being attracted to someone who even remotely looks like me. And I’m not saying I look like Elijah Wood, but I am short and dark-haired. It’s just nice to hear about someone besides Chris Evans.