Been Here All Along

by Sandy Hall

  When I turn around, Gideon’s at his locker down at the other end of the hall, filling up his bag. Maybe if I catch him by surprise, he’ll have no choice but to talk to me. It’s been a weird week between us, and it’s only half over.

  “Hey, so I know we haven’t hung out at all lately and I don’t know if it’s something I did or what, but do you want to go with me to watch Ruby’s brother’s karate ceremony thing? Like, where he gets a new belt?” I say this all in such a rush that I can’t help but trip over my words and lose track of exactly what I want to say. But I hope Gideon understands.

  He stands up. “Why are you going?”

  “Well, Ruby was supposed to go and now she can’t, so she asked me to.”

  “So she won’t be there?” he asks, not looking me in the eye.

  “Nope.”

  He squares his shoulders and meets my eye. “Yeah, sure. It’s not like I have anything else I was going to do.”

  “Cool.”

  “Who knows? Maybe it’ll even be fun.”

  “Yeah. We could take him out for a slice of pizza after,” I say, turning in the direction of the nearest exit.

  “We could,” Gideon agrees.

  The drive over to the community center isn’t far, but there are tons of stoplights and crossing guards on the way, making it really slow going.

  “So where’s Ruby?”

  “She had to go pick up her sister, Diana, from dance class for her mom.”

  “It’s really nice of her, to spend so much time with her brothers and sister.”

  I want to ask what’s wrong with him, but I don’t know how to force the topic. I chew my thumbnail and try to think of non-awkward ways to bring up the weird moment on his birthday. But what if I bring it up and that was never the issue to begin with? Or what if I bring it up and he realizes that I think we had a moment but we really didn’t and it would basically be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me?

  I do not like Gideon, I tell myself.

  “You look really perturbed,” he says as we pull into the community center, my car quickly getting swallowed up in the sea of minivans and SUVs.

  “What’s perturbed mean?” I ask. Gideon never minds when I don’t know his SAT vocabulary words. We both took the test back at the beginning of March. I’m definitely going to have to retake it, because I didn’t do very well. Gideon did really, really well, but he’s still planning to retake it next month. And he’s still studying. He’s really into the SAT.

  “Like bothered, upset.”

  “Nah. I’m really glad you’re here with me. It makes me feel less weird about being here. This is a lot of moms.”

  “It really is,” he agrees as we make our way to the community center meeting room. It is packed wall-to-wall with moms, and dads, and grandmas. And what seems like maybe every crying toddler in town.

  “Last chance to run away,” I say as we find seats in the back row.

  “Heck no, I’m in it for the long haul. And moms love me. It’s you they’re always kind of iffy about.”

  “No way! Moms love me way more than they love you,” I say, shouting to be heard over the din at the same moment it gets quiet.

  Three moms look over at us and give us a dirty look for causing a ruckus.

  “I love that they gave us a dirty look when that three-year-old is being louder than everyone else in this room put together,” Gideon whispers as a guy in a karate uniform comes up to the microphone and introduces himself as the sensei at the community center.

  “I could be that loud,” I say, trying to start a staring contest with the three-year-old. He stares right back, and I’m quite frankly ever so slightly intimidated.

  “I honestly don’t think you could.”

  “You’re right.”

  I knock our knees together and hope Gideon understands how much I’ve missed him lately.

  Gideon

  Okay, so I’ll admit it. Life is better with your best friend, even if you’re in love with him and sometimes have to deal with weird non-threats from his girlfriend.

  I can’t deny that as soon as Kyle told me what was happening with Ruby, I saw the afternoon for the opportunity that it was.

  If she was off helping her sister, I would have several hours of pure, unadulterated Kyle time. We still had to hang out with Ruby’s brother, but it would be just Kyle and me, sitting in the community center. Surrounded by parents.

  The seating is tight and every single one of the folding chairs is occupied, so I’m basically cuddled up next to Kyle, which really, again, could be worse. He doesn’t seem to mind. He’s not exactly cringing away from me. If anything, he kind of leans in. I can almost imagine that we’re back in his basement on my birthday and nothing weird has gone on at all since then.

  I lean over a little closer to him, acting like I want to see better when, really, I just want to be close to him for a little while. I miss him so much, and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s only been four days.

  I know that in the end Ruby holds only as much power over me as I let her. That it’s not really a big deal. I could come out at any time. But I don’t want to come out until I’m ready. This is about me. Not about what information someone has over me.

  I also don’t want to tell Kyle that I like him until I’m ready. Or maybe I never want to tell him. And while Ruby says she would never out me, and I believe her, I can’t be sure that she won’t tell Kyle I like him the first chance she gets. She would totally be the kind of person who would tell him in a way that’s meant to be like, Oh, isn’t it so cute and funny that Gideon likes you?

  No, Ruby, it’s not cute and funny. Because she’d totally be using cute and funny as synonyms for kind of pathetic.

  For a second I worry that I said all of that out loud, because Kyle gets up seemingly out of nowhere, but it’s just so he could get a better picture of David being presented his green belt. He even seems to be recording some video to send to Ruby.

  David’s face totally lights up when he notices Kyle taking pictures of him.

  Everyone likes Kyle.

  “Where’s Ruby?” David asks, flying off the stage after the ceremony is over. “Is Ruby okay?”

  “She’s fine,” Kyle says, pulling him into a quick hug. “She just had to pick Diana up from dance class, so she sent Gideon and me in her place.”

  “Hey, Gideon,” David says.

  “Hey, man,” I say, giving him a high five. “Your belt looks awesome. I never made it past yellow belt before I quit.”

  “Thanks,” he says, with a big, wide grin.

  We stand around and eat some semi-stale cookies while David says good-bye to his classmates and sensei.

  “You wanna go get a slice of pizza before we take you home?” Kyle asks as we walk out to his car.

  “Yeah, we should do that. We never get to have pizza anymore,” David says.

  Kyle and I exchange a questioning look over his head but don’t say anything.

  After pizza and dropping David off, Kyle and I are quiet on our ride home. When we pull into his driveway, we both get out of the car and stand there looking at each other for a second. There are too many things I want to say to him and I don’t even know where to start.

  “Well,” he says.

  “Well,” I say. “See ya.”

  “Yeah.”

  He starts walking up his driveway but then stops and turns around.

  “It was weird this week, not talking to you,” he says.

  “I know,” I say, kicking at a rock in the driveway. “I was trying to figure some stuff out.”

  “What kind of stuff?” Kyle asks, taking a step closer.

  I shake my head. “Just stuff.” I blink hard because for some reason tears are welling in my eyes. I can’t cry just because Kyle asked a question. That would be ridiculous.

  “Can you still tutor me?”

  I want to say no so bad, because being around him is way harder than I would ever want to admit.r />
  “I’m really nervous about this grade. You know, because of basketball camp this summer. I gotta get my GPA up.”

  I’m such an asshole.

  “Of course,” I say. Our friendship needs to be more important than anything else, no matter what. No matter how hard it is to be around him. “Of course I can help you. We’ll set up a schedule tomorrow. You’ll go to basketball camp.”

  “Cool,” he says with an obvious sigh of relief. “I have that paper due next Friday, and I even know what we need to concentrate on. Ms. Gupta said my last essay relied too much on spell-check and that some of my sentences made no sense.”

  “You are a terrible speller,” I say.

  “Yeah? Well, you’re short. We all have problems.”

  I laugh. “I’ve grown almost half an inch in the past month.”

  “Sure you have,” he says, turning toward his back door. “See ya tomorrow.”

  “Hey, wait a second,” I say, something clicking in my brain. It’s April, so there’s still plenty of light in the sky even though it’s almost dinnertime, and I can see what looks like hope in his expression.

  “What’s up?”

  “I left my mom’s car at school,” I say, starting to laugh. “I’m such an idiot.”

  “Oh my God. You fool of a Took.”

  And for that one brief moment, things feel normal.

  eleven

  Kyle

  After spending time with Gideon yesterday, I feel a little sad or something. I don’t really know why. But the fact that he’s been trying to figure “stuff” out and hasn’t talked to me about whatever stuff it is makes me feel like he’s not my best friend anymore.

  And then I had another hellish period in English where Ms. Gupta made me read aloud again. After that, she reminded the class that the paper due next week, the one I haven’t even started, is 25 percent of our final grade this marking period. Awesome.

  When it’s finally time to meet up with Ruby by my locker after school, I’m not exactly in the best mood.

  “Hey,” Ruby says when she sees me. “You look like you just lost your last friend.”

  I laugh even though it doesn’t really sound like a laugh.

  “I was just thinking that things with Gideon have been weird lately. They’re a little better now, but whatever. No worries.”

  What sucks is that Ruby looks suspiciously triumphant about the news.

  “Maybe you’re just growing out of each other,” she says.

  “We’ve been friends since we were five. If we were going to grow out of each other, wouldn’t that have already happened?”

  “Not necessarily. Everyone matures at different rates. Maybe you’re maturing faster than Gideon.”

  I think about that for a second as I spin my lock and go through the motions of getting my homework together.

  “But wouldn’t it seem like Gideon would grow out of me long before I grew out of him?”

  “To look at Gideon, sure, maybe. But I don’t think he’s as smart and grown-up as he wants everyone to think he is.”

  “Maybe.”

  We start walking toward the exit and out to my car.

  “I mean, just because he dresses like an old man doesn’t mean he really is an old man.”

  I know I’m supposed to laugh, but I don’t. Ruby’s joke feels cheap and mean in a way that her jokes usually don’t. Ruby can be snarky and sarcastic, but her comments usually come from a place of humor. This comment is obviously meant to tear Gideon down.

  She slips her arm through mine.

  “Don’t worry about it so much. I’m sure you’ll be fine without Gideon around. You’ll be way more popular without him, too.”

  “What?” I ask, scrunching up my nose as we get in the car. “You think our friendship is over? Just like that?” I snap my fingers.

  “Maybe, who knows? Now you can be better friends with Buster and those guys. They’re more your type anyway.”

  “Wait, what?” I ask, stopping in the middle of the front hallway.

  “You’re way cooler than him.”

  “He’s my best friend,” I say.

  “But it’s not like you’re married. Friendships change.”

  “Not with me and Gideon.”

  “Fine, sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that you guys don’t have a good friendship. Just that you shouldn’t be so down about it. It’s not like you don’t have any other friends.”

  She pulls me along toward my car, but I still feel weird and kind of shaken up by what she said. I need to talk to Gideon.

  She continues to babble about something that I don’t really care about for the ride to her house. More and more lately it feels like Ruby is always talking about something I don’t really care about.

  Once she’s out of the car, I wonder if maybe I’m not growing out of Gideon; maybe I’m growing out of Ruby.

  I pull up my driveway and go inside to drop my bag off. Then I come out the back door and hop the fence between our yards before slipping in the sliding door into Gideon’s kitchen.

  “Hey, Ezra!” I say. He’s standing behind the kitchen counter, making the messiest-looking peanut butter and jelly sandwich I’ve ever seen.

  “Hey, Kyle, what’s up?”

  “Nothing,” I say, leaning on the kitchen island. “Is Gideon home?”

  “Yeah, he’s upstairs. He’s in, like, a fortress of despair. Maybe you can make him feel better.”

  I nod, toss a wave over my shoulder, and head up the stairs.

  Gideon

  There’s a knock on my bedroom door as I lie on my bed, contemplating my next move with Kyle. I avoided him today, but only because I’m torn between coming out to him and giving Ruby too much power. It’s a pretty shitty position.

  “God, Ma, I told you, I’m fine,” I say, striding across the room and then pulling the door open.

  “I told you a thousand times I’m not your ma,” the person says.

  It’s Kyle. It’s like I summoned him with my thoughts.

  “Hey,” I say, leaning in the doorway and crossing my arms.

  “Hey. Any chance I can come in?”

  “Yeah, fine, whatever.” I step away from the door and throw myself back down on my bed. Kyle takes a seat in my desk chair, turning it around to face me. Looking at him sitting there, I’m a lot more nervous than I would have expected. Why am I nervous about seeing Kyle? I don’t like any of this.

  “So, can I help you with something?”

  “Yeah, English. Remember? We need to come up with a schedule so that I don’t fail out of school.”

  “You’re not going to fail out of school.” But then all I can think about is school without Kyle. It’s a terrible thought.

  We’re both quiet for a moment before Kyle takes an audibly deep breath, like he’s trying to suck up all the air in the room.

  “Are we fighting?” he asks.

  “We’re not fighting.”

  “Then what would you call it?” he asks.

  “I don’t know. We just hung out yesterday.”

  “But there’s something weird between us, right?”

  “Jeez, Kyle, I don’t know,” I say. I hate that he’s noticed, too. I didn’t want him to notice. I didn’t want him to think about how weird I’ve been recently and then start connecting the dots to the fact that I’m attracted to him.

  “You hate Ruby,” Kyle says. He states it like it’s a fact, like he’s trying to catch me off guard.

  “I do not hate Ruby,” I say, rolling my eyes. Even though I kind of do hate Ruby these days. “Hate is a very strong word.”

  “Then you hate me,” he says, his chin going up like it used to when we were kids and would start fighting. Like he can’t control his emotions and his eyes might start tearing up any second.

  “Have you considered that maybe this has nothing to do with you?”

  “Then what’s it about?”

  “Maybe I just hate myself.”

  Kyle’s mouth hangs open.


  “I don’t mean, like I’m—” I start, and stop, sitting up in bed and rubbing my eyes. I really didn’t mean to say that. “I don’t mean I’m, like, suicidal or something. But I’m trying to figure things out, and maybe I feel like being alone sometimes.”

  Kyle is still sitting there with his jaw hanging down, not saying anything but looking like I just told him that I started a puppy fight club.

  “Or maybe I just felt like being alone the past few days. Maybe I’m feeling better.”

  “Maybe?” he asks.

  “I don’t know. Life sucks sometimes. There’s no explanation. Not really.”

  “But everything is okay with your family? Are your parents getting divorced?”

  “Everything’s fine. And no, they’re not getting divorced.”

  “So you just had a lot of feelings and didn’t want to talk to me? I mean, I know something’s been bothering you lately, but then we hung out yesterday and it seemed like it was better. Like you were better. But then you went back to not talking to me today. I just feel sort of, I don’t know, what’s the word?”

  “Disconnected?” I offer.

  “Yeah, disconnected.”

  “Do you really want to hear about my feelings?” I ask.

  He bites his lip and looks out the window, but then he turns back and smiles at me, even though his face is sad and tense. “You can tell me anything.”

  I suck in a deep breath; he was honest with me about feeling disconnected, so I should be honest with him. “Like I said yesterday, I’ve been trying to figure some stuff out. And I don’t really…” I pause, rethinking how I want to present this. “I’m not ready to talk about it yet. But you’re my best friend. I promise when I’m ready, you’ll be the first to know.” The third to know, technically, I add silently to myself, since Ruby knows and I accidentally already came out to Ezra.

  Kyle nods, and I can see that he’s putting on his brave face.

  I can’t help feeling like there’s something he’s not saying, too. Maybe I’m just projecting. I study him for another moment before his phone buzzes in his pocket.

  He checks it.

  “Damn it.”

  “What’s up?”

  “It’s my mom. I gotta go. But you know you can talk to me anytime, right?” he says.