Been Here All Along

by Sandy Hall

  “When are you going to the party?”

  He looks at the clock. “I could pretty much leave at any time.”

  I walk over to our parents’ liquor cabinet and grab a bottle. “Here,” I say, pouring him a shot glass.

  “What is this?” he asks, examining the bottle.

  “Liquid courage.”

  “No, what is it?”

  “It’s called Goldschläger. Just take the shot.”

  He continues to look at the bottle.

  “Drink it and stop dissecting it!” I say. I want to destroy the evidence before one of my parents comes in to find me giving liquor to their underage son.

  “Ach,” he says after the shot. “I think I drank the gold.”

  “I made sure there wasn’t any gold in the shot glass.”

  “There was. I totally drank it,” he says, staring into the empty glass. “Am I going to die?”

  “Stop being such a square.”

  He puts the glass down on the liquor cabinet. “Did you just call me a square?”

  “Yes. And I meant it.”

  He laughs.

  “And now you need to get to that party.”

  “Damn straight!” he says, throwing his fist in the air.

  “See, I knew the liquor would help.”

  “I feel all warm and tingly.”

  “Do you want me to drop you off?” I ask, looking at the glazed expression in his eyes from one shot of Goldschläger.

  “Yeah, that’d be good.”

  thirteen

  Gideon

  I feel weird as I walk up Maddie’s front steps. Extra weird.

  I’ve decided after my conversation with Ezra and my gold-filled shot that I’m going to go with my instincts and get shitfaced drunk tonight. It’s on my high school bucket list, and it’s definitely not anything I’ve ever done before. But this seems like a good time to give it a try. My life is kind of in shambles anyway.

  I ring the doorbell and Maddie answers a second later.

  “Hey, Gideon.”

  “Hey, Maddie.”

  I hand her a platter of Rice Krispies Treats.

  “You didn’t have to bring anything.”

  “My mom totally insisted when I said I was coming over here. It was easier to let her make them than to argue with her.”

  “I totally get that.”

  “I didn’t want to raise any suspicions.”

  “Another good point,” she says. “Come on, everyone is out back.”

  Out back at Maddie’s means hanging out on her screened-in porch. It’s kind of the perfect night for that.

  When she said everyone, she meant everyone. I’m the last person to arrive, which immediately makes me feel like everyone was talking about me before I got here.

  That’s a terrible feeling.

  They greet me with various levels of enthusiasm. I honestly don’t think I’d be here right now if Kyle hadn’t pulled me aside to make sure I was going to come tonight. But I have no backbone when it comes to him. At least not anymore.

  I take the last seat at the table between Buster and Sawyer.

  “Do you want a drink, Gideon?” Maddie asks.

  “Um, yeah. I guess just a beer is fine.”

  “And Gideon’s mom made Rice Krispies Treats,” she says, placing them at the center of the table.

  Buster makes a mad grab for one. “Are there M&M’s in there?”

  I shake my head.

  “That’s cool, still delicious.”

  “Yeah, sorry I couldn’t get ahold of any booze,” I say, even though if I’d been thinking more clearly I probably could have convinced Ezra to stop and buy some on the way over here. He seemed more invested in my social life than I ever would have guessed possible.

  “No worries, we have plenty,” Ruby says, nodding at the folding table set up behind me. There are three or four different liquors along with a bunch of different mixers, and underneath is an ice chest with beer.

  “That’s a lot for just eight of us,” I say, picking up a beer.

  “Well, better get drinking,” Buster says, slapping my knee.

  I take a sip of my beer and almost spit it out. “This is—”

  “Not the best,” Kyle says. “We know. But it was cheap and it was all Buster’s sister was willing to get us, because we didn’t have enough money for anything decent.”

  “And she refused to chip in even a couple bucks.”

  “I could have given you guys some money.”

  “Now you tell us,” Buster says. “Just chug it real fast.”

  “Or I’ll drink it. I don’t mind,” Kyle says. I hand him the bottle and he takes a long pull. My mind instantly goes to the fact that his lips are touching where my lips just touched.

  “You want to try something awesome?” Ruby asks.

  “Like what?”

  “I like to call it National Velvet. It’s amaretto and Dr. Pepper.”

  “Sounds smooth,” I say. And it is. It tastes like candy and instantly makes me feel a little warmer, a little happier. I know that I’m not drunk yet, even with the shot of Goldschläger I took at home, but it’s nice to feel something else besides kind of bored and sort of sad. Those have been my go-to emotions lately.

  Half the people at the table are playing poker, but the other half are just watching and chatting idly; it’s kind of nice.

  I drink my first National Velvet fast and get up for another.

  “Have you ever been drunk before, Gideon?” Ruby asks. She’s standing at the booze table, mixing a drink for herself.

  “Definitely not,” I tell her.

  “You want another one?”

  “Hell yes,” I say, handing over my cup to her. “I want to get drunk tonight. It seems like a good idea. You know, since I never have been. And I can just walk home from here. I don’t have to worry about getting lost or anything.”

  “I think you might already be a little tipsy,” she says, handing me back my cup.

  “I feel a little warm,” I say, making more intense eye contact than I really mean to. “My brother gave me a shot of something with gold chunks in it before I left the house.”

  She laughs but then turns away from me. For a second I forgot that we’re in a standoff.

  I notice Kyle gets up to go to the bathroom. A few seconds later, when nobody’s paying attention, I decide to follow him. I lurk in the hallway outside and try not to listen to him pee.

  “Listen, Kyle,” I say when he walks out of the bathroom. “You know, I just want everything to be okay between us.”

  “Everything’s fine between us.”

  “But you left my house so fast yesterday. And I wanted to bring it up at school today, but I wasn’t sure how personal it was, and I didn’t want to bring up bad news. I should have texted you. I’m such a terrible friend.”

  “Gideon, it’s fine. If it was a big deal, don’t you think I would have told you about it?”

  “I guess,” I say, taking a step back and stumbling into the wall.

  “How much did you drink, Gid?”

  “Two National Velvets. And Ezra gave me a shot. How much did you drink?”

  “Just your beer.”

  “You should drink more, Kyle. It’s delicious.”

  “I’ll take that into consideration.”

  He walks away before I have a chance to say what I wanted to say. Which is not a bad thing, since I can’t remember what I wanted to tell him in the first place. Alcohol makes my brain very mixed up.

  I sit down in Maddie’s kitchen and watch the clock tick away minutes for a little while, trying to remember what I wanted to tell Kyle. When I go back out onto the porch, everyone seems almost as drunk as I feel.

  “Hey, hey,” I say when I get back out there. “Were you guys talking about me while I was gone?”

  “Nope,” Lauren says. “But you look like you want another drink.”

  “I think I do. I think I really do.”

  Ruby

  Gideon
seems well on his way to drunk, and Kyle is catching up slowly on beer.

  I’m mostly pretending to be drunk, because it’s fun that way. And I didn’t want to be drunk for what I’m about to propose.

  “Oh my God,” I say, standing up to get everyone’s attention. “I have the best idea, guys. It is the best idea ever!”

  “What?” Maddie asks, sipping something pink with a straw.

  “Truth or dare. We should totally play truth or dare.”

  “That is such a good idea, Ruby,” Lilah says, crunching on a pretzel stick and then accidentally biting her finger.

  “Oh, oh!” Sawyer says. “I know how we should play. My cousin taught me this way where each round, everyone writes down one truth and one dare and then you put them in two bowls and people pick.”

  This is not going the way I expected it to. I was going to have all the control of the game as the only sober person playing, but now there’s this other element. I can’t manipulate the game, or drunk Gideon. I really want him to get all his secrets out in the open. The whole situation is starting to bore me—in part because Gideon’s too smart to really play around with.

  I consider vetoing this idea.

  Oh, screw it. Truth or dare will be fun no matter what.

  “Is it better that way?” Lauren asks.

  “Well, yeah. Because you might end up getting your truth or dare, but no one will know if you put in a really hard one. There’s strategery,” Sawyer says.

  “Strategery?” Maddie asks, snorting.

  “Oh, you know what I mean.”

  “I’ll go get some bowls,” Maddie says.

  “And some paper and some pens!” Sawyer calls after her.

  Maddie comes back a minute later, and we all gather around the table to write down our truths and dares.

  “All right, Buster goes first, and we’ll move around the table this way,” I announce as we settle down for our game.

  Buster picks up the dare bowl. I don’t think anyone is all that surprised.

  “‘Lick the floor,’” he reads. “Cool.”

  “Wait, wait, wait,” Lauren says as Buster’s about to lick the all-weather tile on the porch. “What happens if we don’t accept the dare or the truth? What’s the punishment?”

  “I was going to accept the dare!” Buster says.

  “I know, I know, honey,” she says, patting his butt. “But this is stuff we need to work out before we get into the game.”

  “Okay, well,” I say, since apparently I’m the master of ceremonies tonight. “If you don’t take the dare or you won’t answer the question truthfully, you have to let Buster put makeup on you.”

  “That sounds awful,” Lilah says.

  “That’s the point.”

  “I want to put makeup all over all your faces,” Buster says from the floor. He takes a big old lick and then gets back into his chair. Then he pours himself a shot of amaretto and takes it back. “That stuff is awesome. It tastes like delicious cough medicine.”

  “I know, man,” Gideon says, smiling with all his teeth. Gideon has been in a particularly good mood this evening. I think he was slightly drunk when he showed up. He doesn’t even look scared of me anymore.

  “Lilah, you’re up.”

  She grabs for the dare bowl, too. These people are crazy. Always go with truth.

  “‘Sniff everyone’s armpits,’” she reads. “That’s gross. But you guys all look pretty clean.”

  “Both arms,” I tell her for good measure.

  She starts with her own and then works her way around the table, pausing longest at Maddie.

  “Hmm. What is that? I like that,” Lilah says.

  “According to Secret, that’s what Australia smells like, because that’s what the scent is called.”

  “Where’d you get it?”

  “Walgreens.”

  “Nice, nice,” Lilah says as she drifts around the circle, giving everyone’s armpits a hearty sniff before getting back to her seat. “I would like to thank you all for being good-smelling, clean people. Especially Maddie. And you too, Gideon. You got a good thing happening over there. You smell like my dad.”

  “Is that really a good thing?” he asks, his voice a little hard to understand since he’s chewing determinedly on a straw.

  “I like it,” Lilah says with a smile. She passes the bowls to Lauren, who reinforces the fact that we’re kindred spirits by grabbing for a truth.

  “‘If you were the opposite sex for a day, what is the first thing you would do?’” she reads. “That’s easy: pee standing up.”

  “Wow, you were really prepared for that question,” Sawyer says.

  “I have five brothers,” she says simply. “It’s always been a dream of mine.”

  “Moving on,” I say, passing the bowls to Maddie.

  Maddie studies both of them for a moment and then, in the surprise of the night, reaches for a dare.

  “Either way it’s terrifying, but I think I’d rather do something than confess something.” She sucks in a breath and unfolds the slip of paper. “‘Dump glitter over your head while singing “Glitter in the Air” by Pink.’”

  “Oh man, that’s mine,” Buster says delightedly.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t do that. It’s just way too much of a mess. My parents are going to be home in, like, two hours and glitter lasts forever. I’ll take my punishment.”

  “Actually, I think you have the power of veto on this,” I say. “We should have laid out that rule beforehand, but I can’t force you to make a mess when you’ve been supercool. You okay with that, Buster?”

  He nods. “I didn’t think about how hard it would be to clean up. I just thought it sounded really funny. And I like that song.”

  “No worries,” Maddie says. “I really will let you do my makeup.”

  “Nah, just take another dare.”

  Maddie reads the next one. “‘Take a shot of vodka with Tabasco in it.’ That is terrifying. But I’ll do it.”

  A few minutes later there’s a shot glass in front of her.

  “This is going to set my mouth on fire,” she says. “Like, instead of internal bleeding, won’t I have internal burns? I should chase it with milk.”

  “I’ve done it,” I tell her, but I run to pour her a glass of milk anyway. “You’ll be fine.”

  She sucks it down and then slams the glass back on the table. “Oh God, the vodka is so much worse than the Tabasco.”

  Everyone laughs, and then it’s Sawyer’s turn. He picks truth because he’s smart and just has to answer the longest he’s gone without showering. “This is, like, such a not-fun answer, but three days while I was camping last summer. I feel like I should take another one.”

  “No worries, there will be plenty of rounds to come,” I say, reaching to take a truth and reading it out loud. “‘What’s the last lie you told?’”

  I look around the table.

  “I’m sorry, Maddie, but I’ve never taken a Tabasco shot. I just didn’t want you to be nervous.”

  She looks exultant. “O-M-G! I can’t believe this. I feel like the coolest kid ever now for taking that shot.” She gets up to hug me. “Thanks for lying. I feel like that time Pam Beesly walked on hot coals on that episode of The Office.”

  “You are totally like Pam Beesly,” Sawyer says, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

  It’s hard not to smile around those two.

  And then it’s Kyle’s turn. He grabs for a dare, shocking the hell out of me.

  “A dare?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at him. “I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.”

  “I’m a whole new man,” he says, unfolding the paper.

  Kyle

  I read the dare through several times, making sure that it isn’t just my poor reading skills trying to fool me.

  Kiss the person you want to kiss the most in this room.

  “I’ll take the punishment,” I say, shoving the slip of paper into my pocket.

  “Seriously?” Rub
y asks, her eyes bugging out of her face.

  “Yeah, I don’t want to do that dare. I’m not comfortable with it.”

  “What is it?” Buster asks.

  “I don’t think there’s a rule that I have to tell the group what the dare is. I’m just allowed to skip it.”

  Ruby studies me closely, and I’m worried that she knows what the dare is. Maybe it was her dare and she was trying to check on my loyalties. Maybe she knows I like Gideon. Maybe she knows that lately I’ve been thinking about breaking up with her to date him. Because I kind of can’t stop thinking about him.

  Maddie gets some makeup for Buster to put on me, and then it’s Gideon’s turn.

  He grabs a truth and reads it out loud. “‘What is the biggest secret you’re currently keeping?’”

  Buster is having a really good time with the eye shadow and then starts in on some lipstick.

  “Um,” Gideon says. He wraps his fingers around the arms of his chair. “Um. Well. Um. You guys are my friends, right?”

  Everyone nods, including me. It’s harder than you might expect, because Buster has my head in a vise grip.

  “Stop fidgeting,” Buster says. “You’re going to mess up your face.”

  “You’re already messing up my face,” I mutter.

  “So, I’m gay.”

  “You’re what?” I ask, leaning out of Buster’s grip and getting a long line of lipstick across my cheek.

  “Gay,” Gideon repeats. “I am gay. And I’ve never actually told anyone before, except my brother, Ezra, but apparently amaretto makes me chatty.”

  “Thanks for telling us, Gid,” Ruby says, patting his arm. She looks almost as relieved as Gideon does.

  “Yeah, I’m sorry it had to come from a dumb game, but we’re all happy for you,” Maddie says.

  Sawyer pats him on the back, and Buster practically tackle-hugs him.

  “Woo-hoo,” Lilah says, but I’m not sure she even knows what’s really going on at this point. I’m pretty sure she was taking a nap.

  “To Gideon,” Lauren says, raising her mostly empty glass.

  He’s smiling so hard, and they all look so happy for him. Everyone raises their glass and we knock them all together. Except me.

  This should be good news. I should be happy for Gideon, too. He’s a good guy. He’s my best friend. But I can’t shake this terrible feeling in my gut, like he’s been hiding this from me for some reason.