Been Here All Along

by Sandy Hall

  After Ezra tells me where Gideon is, I weave my way through the party and up the stairs. I take a deep breath at the door to his room. It’s half open, but my manners get the better of me and I knock on it once.

  “Gideon,” I call through the door.

  “Hey,” he says, pulling it open. “I was just about to text you.” He smiles like he didn’t do anything wrong. Like he didn’t write a list of everything that sucks about me.

  Like that list isn’t completely true.

  But that’s not the point. Neither your best friend nor your boyfriend should ever make a list about you like that. It’s not how it’s supposed to be.

  I step into his room and close the door behind me.

  “We need to talk,” I say, barely containing my rage, trying to keep my voice low so I don’t disturb the party downstairs.

  His face is confused and my hands flex involuntarily, like they want to touch him, but I can’t. I can’t let myself. He doesn’t deserve anything from me.

  “What’s up?”

  “What do you know about this?” I ask, pulling my phone out of my pocket and showing him the picture.

  “Oh my God,” he says. “What is this? Where did you get this?”

  “I’m pretty sure you know what it is. Considering you wrote it.”

  To his credit, he looks sick to his stomach.

  “Where did it come from?” he asks, looking up at me. His face is pale.

  “Someone sent it to Buster.” I grab the phone from him. “So you’re not going to deny writing it or anything?”

  “This isn’t what you think it is. It’s not what it looks like. I didn’t—”

  “Except you did,” I say, interrupting.

  “I didn’t write it for anyone else to see. I wrote it when I’d just realized I liked you and I was trying to talk myself out of it.”

  “By being nasty? By saying mean things about me?”

  “I’m not saying it was the best idea.”

  “You can’t even just admit that this was shitty.”

  “It’s out of context. There was more to it. It wasn’t just about me trying to belittle you. You don’t understand.”

  “Of course I don’t understand. I’m bad at reading and I’m not as smart as you.”

  He stands up, as if he only now realized that we’re having a fight and he’s not going to take it sitting down.

  “That’s not at all what I said, and you know it.”

  “It’s not what you said? Maybe I should read to you from the list. To refresh your memory.” I pull my phone back out and read aloud. “‘Everything that’s wrong with Kyle. Number one, he’s too tall.’”

  Gideon tries to grab the phone from me, but I hold it up high and he would have to jump to even attempt to reach it. He’s far too composed to ever do something that ridiculous.

  “Hmm, guess I am too tall.”

  To my shock, Gideon does try to jump up and grab it, going so far as to stand on his bed and make a leap for it.

  “Just delete it and let me explain,” he says.

  “No. I’m going to keep it forever so that if I start to mistakenly think you’re an okay person, I can take it out and reread it. And you know, anytime I’m feeling really good about myself, I’ll take it out and make sure I know that I suck. That I’m awkward and stupid and have a limited vocabulary and play too many video games.”

  “I really didn’t mean any of that,” he says, his voice cracking. “Let me show you the other things I wrote. That’s just one thing. I was feeling so terrible and I didn’t want to like you. I wanted to be friends with you and not ruin everything.”

  “Oh well, sure, the best way to do that is to write a really mean list. I totally understand now. It must have been my stupidity getting in the way.”

  “It’s not what you think,” he says.

  “Maybe I should make a list about you. Gideon is short and too smart for his own good and walks like he has a stick up his ass.”

  He crosses his arms. “That’s all completely fair.”

  I wish I could come up with more mean things to say about him, but of course in the moment my mind goes completely blank. Probably because I’m stupid, so instead I go back to his list.

  “Just explain one thing to me: Who texted it?”

  “I don’t know. I guess Ruby.”

  “Ruby? How did Ruby know about it?” I can’t shake the picture of Gideon and Ruby hanging out together, talking about me and laughing about how dumb I am.

  “She was here one day, when we were playing Grand Theft Auto, and she found the binder where I made all these lists about liking you and not liking you and figuring out whether I was gay or whatever. She took pictures of them. I wasn’t even out yet, but then she texted me a picture of one of the lists and kind of held it over my head.”

  “And now after all this time she just decides to text this one, terrible list?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not a mind reader. I thought she deleted the pictures.”

  There’s a knock on the door.

  “Boys?” Mrs. Berko says. “Are you okay in there? You’re getting a little noisy.”

  Gideon opens the door. “We’re in the middle of something, Ma.”

  “Well, we’re in the middle of something downstairs, so maybe you guys could stop yelling.”

  “We’ll be quieter,” Gideon says.

  “Actually, you don’t have to worry about it, Mrs. Berko. I’m leaving.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t get to speak with you, Kyle,” she says. “I feel like I barely see you now that you boys are together.”

  When she smiles, she looks so much like Gideon it pinches somewhere in my chest. I can’t believe how messed up everything is.

  I smile back, even though I’m sure it looks fake.

  “I really should get going,” I say.

  “Wait,” Gideon says.

  I turn back and shake my head. “There’s nothing else to say.”

  I leave Gideon looking stunned and his mother staring at him. I bolt down the stairs and out the front door without looking back.

  There’s nothing else for me there.

  I never expected Gideon to be the one who would ruin it.

  Gideon

  I guess nightmares can come true.

  But I never even had a nightmare about this. I never for one second thought anyone else would ever see that list about Kyle. And yet, here we are.

  My mom just stands there looking at me. “Are you okay?” she asks.

  “We had a fight,” I say.

  “Yes. I can see that.”

  “I’m sorry we disturbed the party.”

  She puts a hand on my shoulder. “You weren’t really that loud. I just got worried because I could tell Kyle was upset and then I could hear your voices getting angry. It was a mother’s intuition.”

  “I really messed up.”

  “I’m sure you can fix it.”

  “You don’t have to stay here. You can go back to the party.”

  “Not if you need to talk,” she says.

  I take a deep breath. “Actually, what I really need to do is find this binder, but I’ll let you know if I need to talk.”

  “You got it,” she says. Then she pulls me in for a tight Mom hug, and for a second I just let myself be squeezed.

  When she leaves, I dive under my bed, searching for my secret hiding place. When I open the Monopoly box, it’s gone. But I could have sworn that’s the last place I put it.

  I start tearing my room apart. Maybe I moved it while I was sleepwalking or something. I have to find that binder and show it to Kyle in context. There’s so much more to it than just that list.

  Then I remember that the list doesn’t even exist anymore.

  I need him to listen to me, so I can explain. But I can’t explain unless I find the binder.

  I think about all my “safe” hiding places.

  While I do that, I attempt to justify the list to myself. I was in such a bad mood
that night, and I wanted to forget about liking Kyle. It seems so fruitless and unrealistic. It’s a terrible list. It’s malicious and nasty and not like anything I actually feel.

  But it sucks that he saw it, because everything on that list is true. He knows it. And the truth hurts. Everything he said about me is true, too. I know he was just lashing out, but I almost wish he had said more. I deserve it after everything he saw on that list. Maybe if he ever speaks to me again, I’ll tell him to make a list about me. Maybe that will make us even.

  I look under my bed and through all my school stuff. I check the back of my closet with all my extra binders, in case I decided to put it away. I go through my desk and my dresser, and then I check the same places over again.

  It’s nowhere to be found.

  It’s after midnight when I slump on my bed and look at the clock. I have a bunch of texts from other people, asking me if I’ve seen the list going around about Kyle and was I really the one who wrote it. Maddie seems particularly angry about the whole thing. Probably because she has such a soft spot for Kyle.

  I know the party has died down. The only noises from downstairs are the clatter and shuffle of my parents cleaning up. I should go help them, but I feel so exhausted.

  I lie down on my bed fully clothed and fall into a fitful sleep.

  twenty-three

  Ruby

  I think I need new friends.

  This whole thing with Gideon and Kyle is all over school on Monday, and everyone is either super pissed or, worse, really happy about it. I can’t handle any of it. I just want to go hide under a rock.

  I spend most of the day avoiding Lilah and Lauren. I told Lilah to delete the pictures. It wasn’t any of our business.

  But the worst feeling is knowing that I should have deleted them myself a long time ago. I shouldn’t have ever taken the pictures to begin with. I hate being the kind of person who wants to have something in her back pocket to use against someone else. When did I become that person? I don’t like her.

  I need to make this right.

  People are seriously dragging Gideon through the mud. I don’t know how he even had the nerve to show up at school today. Kyle didn’t bother coming, but there’s Gideon, trudging through the halls, trying to stay out of everyone’s way. He’s doing a pretty decent job, but every once in a while you’ll see a group of people just stop in the middle of the hallway and talk about him. Pointing and whispering, not bothering to be a little bit subtle about it.

  Gideon’s a social pariah and I legit feel bad for him. Even Maddie and Sawyer don’t seem to be talking to him. It’s entirely my fault. I don’t want to be the kind of person who puts the blame on other people. I don’t want to be like that anymore. That’s what I’ve been doing for months.

  I’ve been telling myself the same sad story that my life sucks because my dad lost his job and because Kyle broke up with me and because Josh was mean. No, my life sucks because life sucks sometimes. I need to take responsibility for myself and my own happiness. And step number one is talking to Gideon and getting this all out in the open.

  During lunch I make it my mission to track down Gideon. It’s not like I want to go sit with those assholes I call my friends anyway. Better to find Gideon and try to make peace with him.

  After looking all over the place, I find him in the student activity office. He’s not even doing anything. He’s just sitting there with his head in his hands. It’s basically the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

  “Feel free to rip my face off,” I say. My voice startles him.

  “I’m not going to rip your face off,” he says. He’s sad in a way that I’ve never seen anyone be sad. Gideon has always been the kind of guy who squares his shoulders and does what he needs to do. But today he looks so defeated.

  “Well, do something to me, because I feel like complete crap about the whole thing,” I say, taking a seat next to him.

  “It’s just as much my fault as it is yours,” he says.

  “And Lilah’s, since she’s the one who sent the text.” I groan. “No, forget I said that. I literally just gave myself a stern talking-to about how I need to take responsibility for my actions, and then I come in here blaming Lilah.”

  “Lilah sent the text?”

  “Yeah, but I never deleted the lists from my phone. Even though I obviously should have. And then she found them on Friday. I probably should have done more, but I was so upset about Josh.”

  “That thing with Josh was kind of terrible,” Gideon says.

  “I’m sorry I was a bitch to you in the hallway.”

  “Whatever, you were just lashing out.”

  “And then I made everything worse.”

  “It’s over. It doesn’t matter,” he says.

  “Of course it matters.” I put my hand on his, and he looks surprised.

  “I sent Kyle like eight hundred texts yesterday, and he ignored every single one of them. He probably blocked my number.”

  He looks so sad that I don’t even know what to do, so I decide to tell him everything.

  “All right, listen. I’m gonna come clean with you. I was so sad that day at your house. And so jealous of everything you have. And then I went home and I found out my dad lost his job. You already had Kyle for a best friend, and I was so jealous of the thought of you also getting him as a boyfriend. Because I knew he would choose you over me. I just knew it.”

  “I didn’t know it. I wasn’t trying to steal him from you.”

  “I get that now. But back then it just seemed like you were going to end up with everything. And I was going to end up sharing a room with my sister for the rest of my life while I went to community college and worked full-time at Walgreens.”

  “I’m sorry. That sucks.”

  We’re both quiet for a few minutes.

  “There’s no way I’m ever going to make this up to him,” he says.

  “Of course you will.”

  “How?”

  “Where’s the binder, Gideon?”

  “I don’t know,” he says. “For a second I thought you had it.”

  “You thought I stole it?” I’m shocked. I’ve done some crappy things, but I definitely wouldn’t have stolen his binder.

  “Not stole it, but just kept it or something. I realize now that you didn’t have anything to do with this.” He shakes his head.

  “So, then where is it?”

  “It’s missing. I put it under my bed in a box and it’s gone.”

  “We need to find it. Because believe me, it was very convincing and showed me just how much you liked him. Even without being able to read Elvish, I was ready to fight for him. So maybe, if he reads it, he’ll understand.”

  “You’re gonna help me?”

  “Hell yes.”

  When the bell rings signaling the end of lunch, I decide that maybe it’s time for me to cut class. It’s not something I’ve ever actually done before, but it feels like the right day. Maybe I can go talk to Kyle.

  Or maybe there’s someone else who might be able to help out.

  Ezra

  I should probably get a job.

  Or maybe go to college.

  I should probably work on a pro/con list and try to figure this out. I sit down at the kitchen table with a notebook and a pencil at the same second my phone dings with a text from an unknown number.

  “Hey, Ezra. I need your help,” it says.

  “New phone. Who dis?” I write back.

  “It’s Ruby. Kyle and Gideon had a terrible argument and it’s at least partially my fault and I was hoping you might be willing to help me get them back together.”

  “I had a feeling something bad was going down. Gideon spent all day yesterday in his room.”

  “Yeah, it’s not good.”

  “What do you need me to do?” I type back.

  “Well, first of all, there’s this binder that Gideon had, and it’s all full of lists that he wrote about Kyle.”

  “Gideon’s ‘I love Kyle�
�� binder? I have it. I hid it. I had a feeling he couldn’t be trusted with it. He kept hiding it in obvious places. First under the couch, then in a Monopoly box under his bed. Bad idea.”

  “I’m on my way over,” she writes back.

  Five minutes later the doorbell rings.

  “Hey,” I say, opening the door. “Shouldn’t you be in school?”

  “Technically yes, but I’m hoping since I’m a senior and I’m graduating in a couple weeks, no one will notice I’m gone. Just this once.”

  “Someone will notice. I mean, I would totally notice,” I say. It’s been a while since I did any kind of real flirting. I’m obviously rusty.

  She smiles and punches me lightly on the shoulder.

  “So, where’s this binder?” she asks.

  I lead her back through the hallway and out to the garage.

  “I’d seen the binder around a couple of times, including the night I came home.”

  “Did you read it?” Ruby asks.

  “Not so much. There was some stuff in Elvish and I was out of practice.”

  “You’re all gigantic nerds,” she says.

  I shrug. She’s not wrong. “Anyway, I haven’t had much of a social life since I got home, so I was actually sitting down to play a rousing game of Monopoly with my parents several weeks back, so I went searching for it under Gideon’s bed because he tends to hoard all the board games. Lo and behold, there was his secret binder. So I put it in an actual safe place.”

  I pull out the Rubbermaid bin where our mom stores our baby blankets and dig out the binder. I’m about to hand it to her, and then I pull back. “Why do you want this?”

  “I want to show it to Kyle.”

  “Yeah, no. That sounds wrong.” I hug the notebook to my chest as if I can protect it and Gideon at the same time.

  “I took pictures of all the lists, and one of my friends found the one where Gideon lists all the things he doesn’t like about Kyle and she texted it to everyone in her phone and it got around to basically everyone at school. I’m hoping that if Kyle sees the rest of the lists, he’ll understand that Gideon likes him a lot, probably even loves him. And that one list was just a way for Gideon to try to talk himself out of Kyle.”