Twice as Good

by Alison Roberts

  ‘Two weeks.’ Janet nodded. Josh was standing up.

  ‘My turn,’ he announced, holding his arms open.

  Janet laughed as she returned the warm embrace. ‘You both look disgustingly brown and healthy.’

  ‘I can recommend a good honeymoon,’ Toni said with a smile. She turned to where Oliver and Sophie were sitting on another couch. ‘It’s poor Sophie who needs one now.’ She squeezed onto the couch beside Sophie. ‘I had a feeling you might be pregnant,’ she said wistfully. ‘Maybe it’ll be my turn next.’

  ‘We’ve been having a chat about Sophie,’ Oliver told Janet. Josh had gone to the bar to get the glass of wine Janet had requested. ‘We think she needs a good rest. At least a few weeks. Jamie’s agreed to stay on.’

  Janet nodded. ‘That sounds sensible. Things should settle down by then.’

  Oliver picked up his glass of beer. ‘We’re also toying with the idea of job sharing once this baby does arrive. Maybe there’ll be a permanent position for Jamie one of these days.’

  ‘If I get my registration,’ Jamie said. ‘What’s that exam I have to sit?’

  ‘The Primex,’ Sophie reminded him. ‘Don’t worry, you’ll breeze through. If I can do it, anyone can.’ She reached for her glass of orange juice. ‘We’re having a double celebration here. I got my results through today.’

  ‘You passed?’ Janet’s face lit up with pleasure. ‘Congratulations, Sophie.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Sophie smiled at Jamie. ‘You will, too. We’ll have another celebration then.’

  ‘I’ll still need to apply for permanent residence,’ Jamie said seriously. ‘That might be more of a challenge.’

  Janet accepted the glass of wine from Josh. He grinned at Jamie over his shoulder. ‘You could always just marry a New Zealand citizen, mate. What’s this we hear about you and Janet having a past history?’

  There was a moment’s awkward silence before Janet spoke.

  ‘You’re all going to find out one of these days so I may as well tell you now. Jamie is the twins’ father.’

  There was an even longer silence. Janet took a large gulp of her wine.

  ‘Is that what brought you here, Jamie?’ Toni asked finally. ‘Did you want to see the boys again?’

  ‘I didn’t know the boys existed,’ Jamie informed her flatly. ‘Janet never even told me she was pregnant.’

  Sophie was staring at Janet in dismay. ‘You never said anything,’ she accused. ‘And there was Oliver and I thinking you wanted to keep them a secret because—’ Sophie flushed scarlet as she realised the implication of her words. Jamie was now staring at her, frowning. He transferred the frown to Janet.

  ‘I didn’t want to keep them a secret.’ Janet tried to sound offhand. ‘I just wasn’t ready to tell him straight away.’

  ‘No. It took seven and a half years,’ Jamie said lightly. ‘I wonder how much longer it might have taken if I hadn’t shown up.’

  Janet could feel the shock waves coming from all directions. Sophie looked worried that she’d put her foot in it and hurt that Janet hadn’t confided in her. Toni looked bemused, clearly wondering what sort of emotional minefield had been generated in her absence. Josh gave Jamie a sympathetic man-to-man type glance that conveyed the incomprehensibility of women. Oliver was frowning. Did he remember what Janet had told him about the father of the twins swanning off to get someone else pregnant?

  ‘Are the boys your only children, Jamie?’ he asked warily.

  ‘They are indeed. I would have been bowled over to have found that I had one. Imagine how I felt to discover I had two.’ He grinned and raised his glass. ‘Here’s to an instant family.’

  ‘Twice as good,’ Toni suggested.

  ‘Two for the price of one.’ Oliver chuckled.

  ‘You could say that.’ Jamie’s glance caught Janet’s. The atmosphere amongst the group had lost its heavy awkwardness but the look Janet received made her cringe inwardly. The price had been high. Jamie had support in his standpoint. Janet was the guilty party.

  ‘So. Who’s going to the rugby tomorrow?’ Josh queried with an obvious move to change the subject. ‘Thanks for getting us those tickets, Oliver. We’d better get home soon and shake off the jet lag so we don’t fall asleep during the game.’

  ‘Nobody falls asleep during a Crusaders match on home turf,’ Oliver stated confidently. ‘Are you going, Jamie?’

  ‘Sure am.’ Jamie’s gaze clashed briefly with Janet’s again. ‘I’m taking my sons.’

  The boys had never been so excited. They found it almost impossible to remain immobile long enough for Janet to apply their face-paint.

  ‘If you want a black lightning bolt on red cheeks, you’d better stand still,’ Janet warned Rory. She dipped a cotton bud into the pot of black paint and traced the outline of the zigzag carefully.

  ‘Mine’s going to be a red lightning bolt on black cheeks,’ Adam told Jamie. He capered joyously around the kitchen.

  ‘What’s yours going to be, Dad?’ Rory leapt out of the chair and Adam took his place. Janet used a sponge to put on the base layer of black paint.

  ‘Oh, I don’t think I need face-paint,’ Jamie demurred. ‘That’s just for the kids, isn’t it?’

  ‘No.’ Rory shook his head emphatically. ‘Everybody does it.’

  ‘I’m wearing black jeans and a black sweatshirt and I’ve got a red hat.’ Jamie showed them his woollen cap. ‘Isn’t that enough?’

  ‘No!’ the twins shouted.

  Adam admired his face in the hand mirror. ‘Cool!’

  ‘Paint Dad’s face, Mum,’ Rory commanded.

  ‘OK. Sit there,’ Janet directed. She picked up a sponge. ‘What do you want to have?’

  ‘Uh …’ Jamie looked at the eager small faces watching him. ‘I think I’ll have one black cheek with red lightning and one red cheek with black lightning.’

  The twins’ faces lit up. Yet again Jamie was effortlessly performing like the hero he had become to the boys. Janet smoothed on the face-paint with the sponge. The red side had an uneven edge which she automatically stroked with her finger. She wished she hadn’t. Touching Jamie’s face kindled a spark of desire that not even the presence of two excited small children could diminish. Unnerved, Janet’s gaze moved from Jamie’s cheek to his eyes. The message was silent but crystal clear. He wanted her touch as much as she wanted to give it. But he could resist the urge. And he fully intended to resist it.

  ‘Do the lightning bolts, Mum,’ Rory directed. ‘Hurry up.’

  Adam was watching his mother. ‘Why aren’t you coming to the rugby, Mum?’

  ‘I haven’t got a ticket,’ Janet said lightly. ‘Come on. You’d better get going. The traffic will be awful.’

  Janet stood outside to watch them climb into Jamie’s car which had black and red balloons tied to the roof rack. Jamie hadn’t even asked if she’d wanted a ticket, and Janet couldn’t let the boys know how much the exclusion had hurt. She and the twins had been a complete family until Jamie had arrived. Now they were being split up on a regular basis. Janet knew she would have to get used to it. This was the way it was going to be from now on and the boys were too happy to give Janet reason to find fault with the arrangement.

  They hadn’t really been a complete family, anyway, had they?

  Maybe they never would be.

  CHAPTER TEN

  ‘HAPPY birthday to us!’

  ‘Happy birthday to us!’

  The twins’ voices carried up the stairs with bell-like clarity. Janet chuckled as she pulled her tight-fitting vest top over her head. She tucked the garment into the waistband of her denim shorts and then tightened the belt another two notches. She’d lost weight in the last month. Pining for something she couldn’t have. Janet pulled a shirt from the wardrobe. A loose-fitting, soft cotton garment in her favourite dark delphinium blue. She left the shirt unbuttoned like a casual jacket and rolled the sleeves up to her elbows. It was going to be a hot day and the destination the boys had chose
n for their birthday outing called for very casual comfort.

  Adding the final touches to her make-up, Janet fluffed out her auburn curls and drew them back from her face with the blue headband that matched her shirt. She heard the decibel level increase downstairs.

  ‘Dad! Dad! It’s our birthday!’

  The deep rumble of Jamie’s voice didn’t carry as well as the twins’ piping tones. The burst of adult laughter made Janet pause long enough for another quick glance in her mirror. Did she look all right? Attractive even? Janet turned away with a sigh. It wouldn’t make any difference. Jamie found her attractive enough physically. That had become increasingly obvious ever since the night she’d agreed to the twins learning the truth. But Jamie didn’t want complications with the relationship he was forming with his children at last. And he still hadn’t forgiven Janet for what he’d already missed.

  Janet went downstairs slowly. The night after the rugby match had been the worst. The boys had been inspired by the robed horses which had led the Crusaders onto the rugby field. They’d been telling Jamie about the time they’d ridden a pony and wanted to show him the photographs of the occasion. They had all come out. All the baby photos, the mementos, the scrapbook of baby scribbles that Janet had proudly designated as artwork. Jamie had pored over them, asking endless questions even long after the twins had gone to bed. Then he’d become very quiet and Janet knew he’d been trying to absorb the impact of what he could never experience first hand. The withdrawal had been sustained for two weeks. Today was the first time Janet was to be included in the time Jamie spent with his sons.

  Adam and Rory were standing in the kitchen, staring with round-eyed amazement as Jamie deposited yet another huge carton on the kitchen floor. The computer clearly had a lot of large components and Jamie had wrapped all the parcels to conceal the labelling.

  ‘It’s our birthday present,’ Rory informed Janet in awed tones. ‘Shall we open it now?’

  Janet looked at the kitchen table. Her gifts to the boys still lay where the wrapping had been torn eagerly free. New school backpacks, red and black sweatshirts, ready for the next rugby match, and sets of felt pens. Small offerings compared with what their father was providing. Jamie was standing very still.

  ‘What say we save it for when we get home?’ he suggested. ‘That way you can have fun guessing what might be inside the boxes.’

  And the time lapse wouldn’t allow for such a direct comparison of what each parent had offered. Janet gave Jamie a grateful smile.

  ‘What a good idea. It’s going to take a long time to open such big presents and if we don’t get going we might miss having a swim while it’s nice and hot.’

  The boys had chosen to spend the day at Sumner Beach, a strip of coastline that bordered a popular seaside suburb of Christchurch. They planned to park at the Cave Rock end and then walk the length of the beach to the rock pools, playground and café. They would go home for a dinner of fish and chips and then discover what lay inside the mystery boxes. The guessing game as to the contents kept the boys amused for most of the car journey.

  ‘The really big one could be a dog kennel,’ Rory said hopefully, having exhausted the less appealing possibilities.

  ‘And maybe there’s a basket in another one,’ Adam suggested, ‘for an inside bed.’

  ‘What about that smaller box?’ Rory wondered. ‘Do you think it might have a puppy in it?’

  The twins regarded each other solemnly. They shook their heads sadly. ‘It wasn’t making any noise,’ Adam pointed out.

  Rory sighed. ‘Maybe it’s a very quiet puppy.’

  ‘You’re lucky your birthday is on a Saturday this year,’ Jamie told the twins as they drove over the estuary bridge. ‘Did you not want to bring any of your friends to your party?’

  ‘No,’ Adam said decisively. ‘We wanted to go out with you and Mum. Like a proper family.’

  Janet shut her eyes for a second. Anyone seeing the car go past would assume that was exactly what they were. Dad driving, Mum in the front passenger seat, two excited small children strapped firmly in the back.

  ‘But we’re not a proper family,’ Rory informed his brother.

  ‘Yes, we are,’ Jamie asserted. ‘We’re very proper.’

  ‘No,’ Rory reiterated. ‘We’re not.’

  ‘Why not?’ Janet asked anxiously. She didn’t want anything to spoil the day for her children. Adam tended to worry once Rory planted an undesirable theme.

  ‘Because you and Dad aren’t married.’

  ‘Lots of parents aren’t married,’ Janet reminded him. ‘Look at Michael. And Ben.’

  ‘But they were married,’ Rory stated. ‘Ben’s got the same name as his dad.’

  ‘Why didn’t you and Dad get married, Mum?’ Adam sounded worried already.

  Janet turned so she could look at the boys. ‘It just didn’t happen that way,’ she said carefully. ‘Your dad had another job to go to a long way away.’

  ‘I wasn’t given the opportunity.’ Jamie broke his protracted silence as he turned the car onto the esplanade and eased into a parking slot. Janet frowned. Did he want the boys to join the numbers that considered her to be at fault?

  ‘Dad had another girlfriend,’ she said lightly. ‘He liked her more.’

  ‘Did you?’ Rory demanded. Both boys stared at Jamie with disbelief.

  ‘No, of course not.’ Jamie flicked Janet an angry glance. ‘Your mum just thought I did.’

  ‘Why did you think that, Mum?’ Adam sounded puzzled.

  ‘Because the other girl told me,’ Janet said. It sounded like a weak excuse now, even to her.

  ‘Did you believe her?’ Rory asked. ‘How did you know she wasn’t telling a lie?’

  ‘I did believe her, I’m afraid,’ Janet said sadly. ‘Then.’ She looked at Jamie. Would he understand that she was trying to reach out? To apologise?

  Jamie was looking straight ahead. ‘Look at that rock!’ he exclaimed. ‘It’s bigger than my new house. Is that where the cave is?’

  Adam and Rory were instantly distracted. ‘If the tide’s out you can go right through and there’s rock pools and everything. And you can climb up the outside to the top. Can we climb up, Mum? Please?’

  ‘It’s very high.’ Janet peered at the unforgiving, steep slopes of the rock formation. ‘I think you’re still a bit young for that.’

  ‘Please, Mum! You’ve never let us and it’s our birthday. Dad can come with us. He’ll look after us.’

  Jamie finally made eye contact with Janet. ‘That’s right,’ he said seriously. ‘I’ll look after them.’

  Janet collected the backpacks from the car and checked their contents—buckets and spades, spare shorts and towels, cold drinks, bags of crisps and fruit. She sat on the white sand and watched the small crowd swarming over the rock. It was easy to pick out Jamie and the twins. The identical golden heads bobbed energetically and shone in the bright sunlight. Janet fished in one of the bags to find their sun hats. By the time she’d unearthed the bottle of sunscreen they were all on their way down from the summit. She could see the protective way Jamie was guiding and assisting the children. They reached the sand without so much as a graze and hauled Janet to her feet.

  ‘Come on, Mum! We’re going to see the cave and then we want a swim.’

  The boys found a starfish in a rock pool. It was Jamie they rushed to first to show off the treasure. They spotted two black Labradors frolicking in the surf. It was Jamie’s hands they tugged.

  ‘Look, Dad! Twins—just like us!’

  ‘Can we get a dog, Mum? Please?’

  Janet looked helplessly at Jamie. He grinned. ‘Maybe.’

  The boys stripped down to their shorts for a swim. So did Jamie. They all eyed Janet.

  ‘Aren’t you coming for a swim?’ Jamie queried.

  ‘I didn’t bring my togs,’ Janet said regretfully. She had decided against it, aware of how exposed she would feel in Jamie’s company. Now she felt excluded and, instead of
the distraction of playing in the surf, she would have to sit and watch the sleek, near nakedness of the man she desperately wanted. The boys were already running towards the water. ‘Don’t go out too far,’ Janet shouted.

  The sun had climbed to its zenith by the time they began the long walk along the firm stretch of sand the ebb tide had uncovered. The boys alternately dashed in and out of the shallows and dawdled beside the adults. Adam finally remembered that he had something to worry about.

  ‘Why weren’t we born in Scotland?’ he wanted to know.

  ‘Because I came to live here while you were still in my tummy,’ Janet answered with an inward sigh. She could sense Jamie’s tension as his long stride lost its relaxed swing.

  ‘Why?’ Adam demanded.

  ‘Yeah, why?’ Rory echoed. ‘I wish we were Scottish—like Dad.’

  ‘I came because I felt sad,’ Janet said quietly. She had always tried to answer her children’s questions honestly. They knew when they were being fobbed off. A seagull swooped overhead, its mournful cry adding appropriate depth to Janet’s admission.

  ‘Why did you feel sad?’ Adam asked in surprise. ‘Didn’t you know you were having us?’

  ‘Yes, I did know.’ Janet reached out and ruffled Adam’s curls. ‘That made me happy. I was sad because it’s not very nice when you love someone and they don’t love you back.’

  ‘You mean Dad?’ Rory asked. His head swung towards Jamie. ‘Didn’t you love Mum, Dad?’

  Jamie cleared his throat. ‘I loved her very much,’ he told Rory. ‘I think I loved her more than she loved me.’

  ‘How do you know that?’ Adam nearly stumbled as he tried to peer earnestly up into Jamie’s face.

  ‘Because I believed her but she didn’t believe me.’

  ‘Why didn’t you believe Dad, Mum?’

  Janet smiled wistfully and shook her head. She had no good answer to that question. Not any more.

  ‘Did you know we were going to be born, Dad?’

  ‘No.’ Jamie sounded as sad as Janet felt. ‘Your mum never told me.’

  ‘I tried to,’ Janet said softly. ‘I got told something that changed my mind.’