Into the Fire

by Donna Alward

  “It’s okay, Chris, please…” She didn’t want him to say it. Not now, not when things were so confused and mixed up in her head.

  “I love you, Ally. I’m not sure I ever stopped. I can see that you’re panicking right now and it scares me to death. But it doesn’t change the fact that I love you. Yesterday was the most amazing day of my life. I should have told you but I didn’t. So I’m telling you now. I don’t expect you to say it back, but I love you.”

  Tears sprang to her eyes. “That’s not fair.”

  “I know it’s not. I just don’t want to tap dance around our feelings. And when I’m out of here we’re going to talk about it all. Properly. I’m giving you fair warning.”

  Ally’s stomach quaked as she tried to come up with something to say. She knew what it was to lose someone close to her. She never wanted to go through that again, and tonight had shown her exactly how harrowing it could be. She’d never forget the cold feeling that had seized her heart when she’d realized that it was a police car coming up the driveway. If she and Chris kept on, it might not be the only time it happened. And next time it might not be as simple as a broken arm.

  A nurse poked her head through the curtain. “We’re going to get you prepped for surgery now, Mr. Jackson.”

  “I should go,” Ally said, standing up.

  “How will you get home? Do you need my truck? It’s at the fire hall…”

  “I’ll call my dad. You take care, Chris.”

  “I’ll be out of here before you know it,” he replied, fixing her with a firm stare. “And then we’re going to have that talk.”

  “Okay.” What else could she say?

  The nurse stepped inside the curtain and Chris grinned. “Well, looks like it’s time for a nap.” He lifted his right hand. “Come give me a kiss for luck, Ally.”

  She couldn’t refuse him. Even battered and bruised, he was the sexiest man she’d ever known, and he was in love with her. And she was in love with him. There was no ignoring that fact no matter what was going on inside her head. She leaned over and touched her lips to his, softly, sweetly, a little longer than she expected and his right arm curled around her neck just a bit.

  The nurse cleared her throat.

  Ally stepped back. “I’ll see you soon,” she said, her voice quivering with nerves and emotion.

  “Count on it,” he said, giving her a wink as they wheeled him away.

  Chapter Six

  Her father was being rather quiet on the drive, considering he had to know she’d been at Chris’s all night and then found out about Chris’s accident. Ally shifted in the passenger seat, listening to the radio on the short drive out of Kentville and back home.

  The local news came on, including a brief bit about the fire and that firefighter Chris Jackson had been taken to hospital with minor injuries. She supposed in the big scale of things, a broken arm was minor. But even a minor injury was going to sideline him for weeks. And there was no escaping the fact that he’d had a close call.

  She couldn’t stand the silent treatment any longer. The last words they’d spoken had been at the tea yesterday, and that didn’t sit well. Even if she’d been hurt, she didn’t like how they’d left things. And for all his stoic ways, her father had always been easier to talk to than her mother.

  “It’s very hard to tell what you’re thinking,” she said quietly, reaching over and turning down the radio.

  “Not much to say,” he answered. “Except that I’m sorry.”

  It wasn’t what she expected.

  “For what?”

  He looked over at her briefly before turning his attention to the road again. “For a lot of things.” He cleared his throat. “We’ve never really talked about it, you and me. About your sister.”

  The little hole of emptiness opened up in her again, the way it always did when she thought of Rebecca. “It was easier not to.”

  “It was wrong. Your mother—she’s never gotten over it. She worries and frets that something terrible is going to happen, you know?”

  “And you?”

  He was silent for a moment. “We were unfair to you, Ally. We put all our hopes for Becca on you, and that wasn’t fair. You were all we had left. We wanted everything for you and we pushed, rather than accepting you for who you are.”

  Ally was stunned. She’d always felt like she was in Becca’s shadow, even after Becca was gone. Becca had been the straight-A student. She’d been the overachiever. It had been difficult enough when she was living, harder when she was gone. She missed her sister and at the same time her parents had made everything feel closed in. She’d understood it, and she wasn’t angry about it. It was part of the reason she’d never rebelled, never argued back.

  Life had never been the same after Becca was gone. It was just a relief now to get it out in the open.

  “Dad,” she said softly, feeling closer to him than she ever had before.

  “Chris was right yesterday. What it took for you to open the shelter in the first place, that was real entrepreneurship without the financial reward. You’re capable of far more than we gave you credit for. Far more than you realize yourself. You’ve got a good heart, Ally. Your mother and I should have been prouder, more supportive.”

  “You were right too,” she admitted. “I need to stop hiding behind things. The shelter was the one thing I believed in, but it also meant I didn’t truly have to get out there on my own. You guys were my safety net. It’s time for me to grow up.”

  “If you want to start the shelter again, I’ll help you.” He pulled in to a strip mall and parked the car in front of Cora’s restaurant.

  She turned in the seat and stared at him. “You mean that?”

  He nodded.

  The vote of confidence meant so much to her. “I’ll think about it. I’m looking at a lot of possibilities, Dad.”

  “And there’s Chris to consider.”

  She looked away. “That’s up in the air too…”

  Her dad killed the engine and silence enveloped the car. After a moment, he cleared his throat. “After yesterday—”

  “Nothing’s decided,” she said.

  There was another awkward silence.

  “Ally, when you and Chris broke off the engagement…you know your mother and I were disappointed. Chris is a good man. I know you had your reasons for breaking it off. And you were both so young. But now…what’s holding you back?”

  Her fingers trembled and she clasped them together in her lap. “Dad, I just came from the hospital. He loves what he does, so how could I ask him to quit? I’m scared. When he was gone last night, I couldn’t sleep. And when Constable Givens came to the door…” She shuddered. “I’m not sure I’m up to that. Not after Becca. Because I love him. And I don’t ever want to get that knock on the door. I don’t know how I’d survive it.”

  “Oh, sweetie.”

  “So that’s it. I’m a big coward and I know it. Truthfully, I’ve been looking at my options, and more and more it seems like going away might be the best plan. I’ve been looking into the vet-tech course at the college.”

  He reached over and patted her hand. “That sounds more like running away than a solution, Ally.”

  “Maybe. Maybe it’s just too hard being in the same town. It can feel awfully small around here.”

  Ernie sighed. “Well, whatever you decide, we’ll support you. And first thing is going to be buying you breakfast. Seems to me you always liked the ham and egg panini here.”

  The thought of it made her stomach growl. The two slices of frozen pizza were long gone and she was suddenly starving. “It’s a deal,” she answered, reaching for the door handle.

  Ally knew she couldn’t put the talk off. Chris had said he loved her. She’d honestly thought she could handle it all this time, but she’d been wrong. Her dad might call it running away, but she knew leaving was best. Otherwise they’d just be torturing each other, wouldn’t they?

  Chris was in a private room for the night, awa
ke, alert and finishing up his dinner when she walked in. The room smelled of cafeteria food, and she saw remnants of mashed potatoes on his plate.

  His arm was wrapped but not casted, and he had it elevated in a sling as he sat up in bed, still in the hospital johnny shirt. The bruise on his cheek had deepened to a nasty purple, and there was a cut on his forehead. But the smile on his face when she walked in lit up the room. Her heart gave a welcome leap at the sight of it, but was soon chased off with despair over what she’d ultimately come to say.

  “I didn’t expect to see you tonight,” he said, pushing the tray away awkwardly. “How’s Moose?”

  “He’s had a long walk followed by a shameful number of treats. I’ll go over and let him out again before I go home, but do you think he’ll be all right overnight?”

  “I’ll be home in another twenty-four hours if all goes right,” he answered. “He’ll be okay for one night, I think.”

  “I’d take him home with me if I could.”

  “I know that.” He patted the bed. “Come sit down.”

  She pulled a chair close to the bed instead, and saw the moment his eyes grew wary.

  “This isn’t going to be good, is it?” he asked.

  She paused, unsure of how to start. But she didn’t expect Chris’s anger to flare.

  “Goddammit, Ally. If it was always going to be like this, why the hell did you let things go as far as they did?”

  “I don’t know,” she answered. But she did know. Because she’d wanted him so much. Because she’d fooled herself into believing it was okay.

  “Do you love me?” he asked.

  “Don’t ask me that,” she replied, staring at the bed sheet. “Loving you has never been the problem.”

  “It was okay until this.” He lifted his bandaged arm a bit. “Hell, it’s just a broken arm. I’m going to be fine.”

  She looked up. “This time.”

  “You never wanted me to become a firefighter. You told me that you couldn’t marry me because you didn’t know what you wanted, but what you meant was you didn’t want me.”

  “That’s not true!”

  “Ally,” he said gently, “Why do you think I came back here and volunteered rather than going somewhere else with a bigger, paid department? I wanted to be near you.”

  “Then that was your mistake,” she replied.

  “Most of the time there isn’t even any danger,” he said. “You’d give up on us because of this?”

  “You don’t understand,” she whispered.

  “Then make me. Because if you’re walking out the door again, it’s going to be for good. I can’t go on this way. I at least deserve to know why.”

  The words hurt her deep down inside, an ache that spread from the very centre of her. “This morning you talked about that call you were on this summer. The one where the girl died.”

  “It was a terrible call. The kind that haunts you for a long time.”

  “That’s right. But once the accident scene was over, your job was done. You didn’t have to notify the family that their daughter was dead. You weren’t on the other side of the door, hearing the knock, seeing the uniforms. You didn’t have to listen to the words. But I did, Chris. I did when Becca drowned. You didn’t have to watch that girl’s family be torn apart. And I was one of those families. So while from the outside my fear might seem slightly irrational, let me say right now that once you’ve been through something like that you’d do anything not to go through it again.”

  “I know Rebecca’s death had to be hard…but I’m not her, Ally.”

  “And yet last night I heard the knock on the door and I saw the uniform. What do you suppose went through my mind?” She couldn’t stop the tears forming at the corners of her eyes. Even now, the feelings of fear and helplessness and shock came back to her. That empty despair wasn’t a feeling someone forgot. It was so tied to memory that all she had to do was think about it and it was there again, ruthless and unforgiving.

  “You thought I was dead.”

  “And it was ten times worse.”

  “Because you love me?”

  She swallowed, hard. Could she say it? What was the point? This was it. Wouldn’t it be better if she kept that tiny tidbit to herself?

  “Because I knew what was coming.”

  He clamped his lips together. It wasn’t what he’d wanted to hear. She was glad she hadn’t confessed her feelings. It would only have given him ammunition to change her mind.

  “What if I quit?”

  She swiped at the moisture at her eyes and lifted her chin. “What?”

  “I said, what if I quit? I have a business to keep me going. If I quit the department, what would you say then?”

  Hope gave a tiny flutter. He’d do that for her? And then she remembered the day she’d given him back his ring. You’re asking me to give up my dream, he’d said, and his voice had been ripe with resentment. If he quit now, it would be because of her. It was utterly unfair, especially considering how he’d supported her following her dreams.

  She shook her head. “You love it. You won’t quit.”

  “Maybe I love you more, Ally.”

  He was making it so difficult, but she knew she couldn’t make him give up what he loved to make her happy. “You’d be miserable and you’d resent me for it. I know you, Chris. And this is all my fault. I take full responsibility. I thought I could handle it and I was wrong. Better to end it now before it really gets started.”

  “Before it really gets started?” Incredulity was painted on every word. He sat up straighter in the bed. “Shit, Ally. After yesterday, how can you say that? If that wasn’t getting started…it’s way too late for that now. Well, maybe you’re right. Maybe it is better this way. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…”

  He was hurt, and she knew it, which was the only reason why she didn’t reply with sharp words of her own.

  He sat back against the pillows. “I would have supported you in whatever you wanted to do. I would have done anything to make it happen. Even if it meant waiting for you. Do you get that? But you’re not willing to give me that same support, and I can’t accept anything less. I need a partner, Ally. Someone by my side.”

  He turned his head away.

  She was sure it wasn’t possible to feel any lower than she already did. She wanted to promise him all the things he wanted but she couldn’t, not with a clean conscience. She couldn’t say it just because it was what he wanted to hear. There was a difference between the truth and what she wanted to be the truth. And she didn’t like what the truth was saying about her.

  “I’m sorry, Chris.”

  “Not as sorry as I am.”

  It was salt in the wound, but what could she expect?

  “I’ll look after Moose until you get home.”

  He didn’t answer.

  “Chris…” But she couldn’t think of anything else to say. She got up and went to the door. She was nearly out when his voice stopped her.

  “Ally.”

  She stopped but couldn’t make herself turn around. She didn’t want him to see her with tears in her eyes.

  “What you felt last night…it’s just about what I felt the day of the shelter fire, when I stepped in that room and saw you. I was terrified something was going to happen to you. You of all people know that tragedy can strike at any time, no matter what your job. It can’t stop us from living in the time we have.”

  But it didn’t mean a person had to tempt fate either.

  Before she could change her mind, Ally walked the rest of the way out the door.

  Would this day never end?

  Ally was this close to falling apart when she arrived home. All she wanted was a hot bath and some fuzzy pyjamas and a chance to forget the last twenty-four hours.

  Instead, what she got was her mother sitting at the kitchen table.

  As soon as Ally walked in the door, she knew something was up. It was in the air, a sort of tension that meant a special cha
t was coming. A chat that she wasn’t exactly up for.

  “Mom.”

  “Ally. Have you come from the hospital?”

  “Yeah.” She moved to go past the kitchen and towards the back hall, but her mother stopped her.

  “And how’s Chris?”

  Ally swallowed past a lump in her throat. She really didn’t want to do this now. “He’s good. Probably be out tomorrow.”

  “You broke up with him, didn’t you?”

  Cripes, did the woman have radar or something? Ally turned back and faced her mother, praying for the strength to get through one more difficult conversation today. “We were never really together, so we couldn’t really break up.”

  “Oh, bullshit.”

  Ally’s mouth dropped open.

  Judy raised her eyebrows. “Allison Gallant, you are a smart girl, so it makes no sense that you would be so stupid as to let that man get away twice.”

  “Since when am I smart?”

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake. You’ve always been smart. Smarter than you gave yourself credit for. Why on earth do you think we used to get so frustrated with you? You seemed so bent on wasting your potential.”

  “Becca had all the potential.”

  “You’re not Becca. You had it all on your own. Both our girls were smart and capable.” Her lip quivered a little. Speaking about Becca was never easy. “I know you talked to your dad this morning. I know it’s harder to talk to me. I get emotional.” She gave a little laugh. “Losing Becca was a nightmare. Then there were the teenage years with you, and the worry that went along with it. Just when I thought things were turning around, you broke off your engagement with Chris and, well, menopause has kicked my butt. I’ve struggled, Ally. I’m not the rock that your father is. But it doesn’t mean I loved you any less or that I didn’t notice things. When the shelter burned, I was scared out of my wits for you. And then Chris was back on the scene and I thought the fire was a blessing in disguise. Things started coming together for you.”

  “But that night in the driveway…you sounded almost angry at catching us.”