A BOHEMIAN MESS:
SHERLOCK HOLMES MYSTERY
by
Dmytro Shynkarenko
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PUBLISHED BY:
A Bohemian Mess:
Sherlock Holmes Mystery
Copyright © 2012 by Dmytro Shynkarenko
Disclaimer (read here!):
This story doesn’t intend to offend any ethnic or cultural group. Characters’ speech is exaggerated for comic effect and doesn’t represent the real manner of speaking of cultural group representatives. Also, this story doesn’t intend to insult the feelings of Sherlock Holmes fans. It is created not for mocking at Conan Doyle’s characters but for celebrating the greatness of the story by showing it from an unusual angle. However, if you feel offended by this story, don’t buy it.
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If you liked the story, also check:
An Ol' Red-headed Gang: Sherlock Holmes Mystery
The Rusty Final Problem: Sherlock Holmes Mystery
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Preface:
This is a special edition of “Scandal in Bohemia” by Arthur Conan Doyle that was written in 1891. With the help of Dialectizer (https://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/) every character left out his old Victorian style of speech and got unique voice. So:
Doctor Watson talks Redneck;
Sherlock Holmes talks Jive;
The King talks Swedish Chef;
Irene Adler talks Bimbo;
Godfrey Norton talks Cockney;
other characters talk Elmer Fudd and Cockney.
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A BOHEMIAN MESS:
SHERLOCK HOLMES MYSTERY
To Sherlock Holmes she is allus THE woomin. ah have seldom heard him menshun her unner enny other name. In his eyes she eclipses an' predominates th' whole of her sex. It was not thet he felt enny emoshun akin t'love fo' Irene Adler. All emoshuns, an' thet one particularly, were abho'rent t'his cold, precise but admirably balanced mind, cuss it all t' tarnation. He was, ah take it, the dawgoned-est puffick reasonin' an' observin' machine thet th' wo'ld has see, but as a lovah he'd haf placed hisse'f in a false posishun. He nevah spoke of th' sof'er passhuns, save wif a gibe an' a sneer. They were admirable thin's fo' th' obsarver--excellent fo' drawin' th' veil fum men's motives an' ackshuns. But fo' th' trained teasoner t'admit sech intrushuns into his own delicut an' finely adjested temperament was t'intrydooce a distrackin' facko' which might throw a doubt upon all his mental results. Grit in a sensitive instroomnt, o' a crack in one of his own high-power lenses,'d not be mo'e disturbin' than a strong emoshun in a nature sech as his. An' yet thar was but one woomin t'him, an' thet woomin was th' late Irene Adler, of dubious an' quesshunable memo'y.
ah had see li'l of Holmes lately. Mah marriage had drif'ed us away fum etch other. Mah own complete happiness, an' th' home-centred interests which rise up aroun' th' man who fust finds hisse'f master of his own establishment, were good 'nuff t'abso'b all mah attenshun, while Holmes, who loathed ev'ry fo'm of society wif his whole Bohemian soul, reJawjad in our lodgin's in Baker Street, buried among his old books, an' alternatin' fum week t'week between cocaine an' ambishun, th' drowsiness of th' drug, an' th' fierce inergy of his own keen nature. He was still, as evah, deeply attracked by th' study of crime, an' occupied his immense faculties an' extryo'dinary powers of observashun in follerin' out them clews, an' clearin' up them mahsteries which had been aban'oned as hopeless by th' official po-lice. Fum time t'time ah heard some vague account of his doin's: of his summons t'Odessa in th' case of th' Trepoff murder, of his clearin' up of th' sin'ular tragedy of th' Atkinson brothers at Trincomalee, an' finally of th' misshun which he had accomplished so delicately an' successfully fo' th' reignin' fambly of Hollan'. Beyond these signs of his ackivity, howevah, which ah merely shared wif all th' readers of th' daily press, ah knowed li'l of mah fo'mer friend an' companion, as enny fool kin plainly see.
One night--it was on th' twentieth of March, 1888--ah was returnin' fum a journey t'a patient (fo' ah had now returned t'civil prackice), when mah way led me through Baker Street. As ah passed th' fine-remembered dore, which muss allus be assosheeated in mah mind wif mah wooin', an' wif th' dark incidents of th' Study in Scarlet, ah was seized wif a keen desuhe t'see Holmes agin, an' t'knows how he was employin' his extryo'dinary powers. His rooms were brilliantly lit, an', even as ah looked up, ah sar his tall, spare figger pass twice in a dark silhouette aginst th' blind, cuss it all t' tarnation. He was pacin' th' room swif'ly, eagerly, wif his haid sunk upon his chess an' his han's clasped behind him, dawgone it. To me, who knowed his ev'ry mood an' habit, his attitude an' manner told their own sto'y. He was at wawk agin. He had risen outta his drug-created dreams an' was hot upon th' scent of some noo problem, dawgone it. ah rang th' bell an' was shown up t'th' chamber which had fo'merly been in part mah own, as enny fool kin plainly see.
His manner was not effusive. It seldom was; but he was glad, ah reckon, t'see me. Wif hardly a wo'd spoken, but wif a kindly eye, he waved me t'an armchair, threw acrost his case of cigars, an' indicated a spirit case an' a gasojune in th' co'ner. Then he stood befo'e th' fire an' looked me on over in his sin'ular intryspeckive fashion, as enny fool kin plainly see.
"Wedlock suits ya'," he remarked, cuss it all t' tarnation. "I dink, Watson, dat ya' gots put on seven and some half pounds since ah' saw ya'."
"Seven! Fry mah hide!" ah answered, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Indeed, ah' should gots dought some little mo'e. Just some trifle mo'e, I fancy, Watson. 'S coo', bro. And in practice again, ah' observe. You's dun did not tell me dat ya' intended t'go into harness."
"Then, how does yo' know?"
"I see it, ah' deduce it. Man! How do ah' know dat ya' gots been digtin' yo'self real wet lately, and dat ya' gots some most clumsy and careless servant goat?"
"Mah dear Holmes," said I, "this is too much. Yo''d sartinly haf been burned, had yo' lived a few centuries ago. It is true thet ah had a country walk on Thursday an' came home in a dreadful mess, but as ah have changed mah clo'es ah cain't imagine how yo' dedooce it. As t'Mary Jane Mary Jane, she is inco'rigible, an' mah wife has given her notice, but thar, agin, ah fail t'see how yo' wawk it out."
He chuckled t'hisse'f an' rubbed his long, nervous han's togither.
"It be simplicity itself," said he; "my eyes tell me dat on de inside uh yo' left kicker, plum where da damn firelight strikes it, de leada' is sco'ed by six mos' parallel cuts. Obviously dey have been caused by some sucka who gots very carelessly scraped round de edges uh de sole in o'da' to remove crusted mud fum it. Man! Hence, ya' see, mah' double deducshun dat ya' had been out in vile weader, and dat ya' had some particularly malignant boot-slittin' specimen uh de London slavey. Slap mah fro! As t'yo' practice, if a gentleman walks into mah' rooms smellin' uh iodofo'm, wid some black mark uh nitrate uh silva' upon his right fo'efin'er, and some bulge
on de right side uh his top-hat t'show where he gots secreted his stedoscope, ah' gots'ta be dull, indeed, if ah' do not pronounce him t'be an active memba' of de medical profession. 'S coo', bro."
ah c'd not he'p laughin' at th' ease wif which he explained his process of deduckshun. "When ah hear yo' give yer reasons," ah remarked, "th' thin' allus appears t'me t'be so ridiculously simple thet ah c'd easily does it mahse'f, though at etch successive instance of yer reasonin' ah's baffled until yo' explain yer process. An' yet ah believe thet mah eyes is as fine as yourn."
"Quite so," he answered, lightin' a cigarette, an' throwin' hisse'f down into an armchair. "You's see, but ya' do not observe. De distincshun be clear. Ah be baaad... Fo' 'esample, ya' gots frequently seen de steps which lead down fum de hall t'dis room."
"Fre
quently."
"How offen?"
"Wal, some hundreds of times."
"Den how many is dere?"
"How menny? ah doesn't know."
"Quite so! Right on! You's gots not observed. And yet ya' gots seen. 'S coo', bro. Dat be plum my point. Man! Now, ah' know dat dere is seventeen steps, cuz' I gots bod seen and observed. By-de-way, since ya' is interested in dese little problems, and since ya' is baaaad enough t'chronicle one o' two uh my triflin' 'espuh'iences, ya' may be interested in dis." He threw on over a sheet of thick, pink-tinted note-paper which had been lyin' open upon th' table. "It came by de last post," said he. "Read it aloud."
Th' note was undated, an' wifout eifer signature o' address.
"Zeere-a veell cell upun yuoo tu-neeght, et a qooerter tu ieeght
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