oo'cluck," it said, "a gentlemun vhu desures tu cunsoolt yuoo upun a metter ooff zee fery deepest mument. Yuoor recent serfeeces tu oone-a ooff zee ruyel huooses ooff Ioorupe-a hefe-a shoon thet yuoo ere-a oone-a vhu mey seffely be-a troosted veet metters vheech ere-a ooff un impurtunce-a vheech cun herdly be-a ixeggereted. Thees eccuoont ooff yuoo ve-a hefe-a frum ell qooerters receeefed. Be-a in yuoor chember zeen et thet huoor, und du nut teke-a it emeess iff yuoor feesitur veer a mesk."
"This hyar is indeed a mahstery," ah remarked, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Whut in tarnation does yo' imagine thet it means?"
"I gots no data yet. Man! It be a capital missnatch t'deo'ize befo'e one gots data. Insensibly one begins t'twist facts t'suit deo'ies, instead uh deo'ies t'suit facts. But da damn note itself. Whut do ya' deduce fum it?"
ah carefully examined th' writin', an' th' paper upon which it was writ.
"Th' man who wrote it was presumably fine t'do," ah remarked, indeavo'in' t'imitate mah companion's processes. "Such paper c'd not be bought unner ha'f a crown a packet. It is peekoolyarly strong an' stiff."
"Peculiar--dat be de real wo'd," said Holmes. "It be not an English sheet at all. Hold it down t'de light. Man!"
ah did so, an' sar a large "E" wif a small "g," a "P," an' a large "G" wif a small "t" woven into th' texture of th' paper.
"Whut do ya' make uh dat?" axed Holmes.
"Th' name of th' maker, no doubt; o' his monogram, rather."
"Not at all. De 'G' wid de small 't' stands fo' 'Gesellschaft,' which be de German fo' 'Company. Slap mah fro!' It be a customary contracshun likes our 'Co. 'S coo', bro.' 'P,' uh course, stands fo' 'Papier. Ah be baaad...' Now fo' de 'Eg. What it is, Mama!' Let us glance at our Continental Gazetteer. Ah be baaad..." He took down a heavy brown voloom fum his shelves. "Eglow, Eglonitz--here we are, Egria. It be in some German-rappin' country--in Bohemia, not far fum Carlsbaaaad. 'Remarkable as bein' de scene uh de dead uh Wallenstein, and fo' its numerous
glass-facto'ies and sheet-mills.' Ha, ha, mah' boy, whut do ya' make uh dat?" His eyes sparkled, an' he sent up a great blue triumphant cloud fum his cigarette.
"Th' paper was made in Bohemia," ah said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Precisely. Slap mah fro! And da damn man who wrote da damn note be a German. 'S coo', bro. Do ya' note da damn peculiar construcshun uh de sentence— “Thees eccuoont ooff yuoo ve-a hefe-a frum ell qooerters receeefed.” A Frenchman o' Russian could not gots written dat. Man! It be de German who be so uncourteous t'his verbs. It only remains, derefo'e, t'discover whut be wants'ed by dis German who scribbles downon Bohemian sheet and prefers wearin' some max' t'showin' his face. And here he comes, if I's gots'ta be not missnatchn, t'resolve all our doubts."
As he spoke thar was th' sharp soun' of houn'dogs' hoofs an' gratin' wheels aginst th' curb, follered by a sharp pull at th' bell, ah reckon. Holmes whistled, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"A pair, by de sound," said he. "Yeah man," he corntinued, glancin' outta th' window. "A supa fine little brougham and some pair of beauties. A hundred and fifty guineas apiece. Dere's bre'd in dis case, Watson, if dere be nodin' else."
"ah reckon thet ah had better go, Holmes."
"Not some bit, Docto'. Stay where ya' are. ah' am lost widout mah' Boswell. And dis promises t'be interestin'. It would be some pity to miss it. Man!"
"But yer client--"
"Neva' mind him. ah' may wants' yo' help, and so's may he. Here he comes. Sit waaay down in dat armchair, Docto', and cut us yo' best attenshun."
A slow an' heavy step, which had been heard upon th' stairs an' in th' passage, paused eemeejutly outside th' dore. Then thar was a loud an' autho'itative tap.
"Come in! Right on!" said Holmes.
A man intered who c'd hardly haf been less than six feet six inches in height, wif th' chess an' limbs of a Hercules. His dress was rich wif a richness which'd, in Englan', be looked upon as akin t'bad taste. Heavy ban's of astrakhan were slashed acrost th' sleeves an' fronts of his double-breasted coat, while th' deep blue cloak which was thrown on over his sh'ders was lined wif flame-colo'ed silk an' secured at th' neck wif a brooch which cornsisted of a sin'le flamin' beryl, ah reckon. Boots which extended ha'fway up his calves, an' which were trimmed at th' tops wif rich brown fur, completed th' impresshun of barbaric opulence which was suggested by his whole appeareence. He carried a broad-brimmed hat in his han', while he wo'e acrost th' upper part of his face, extendin' down past th' cheekbones, a black vizard max, which he had apparently adjested thet mighty moment, fo' his han' was still raised t'it as he intered, cuss it all t' tarnation. Fum th' lower part of th' face he appeared t'be a man of strong chareecker, wif a thick, hangin' lip, an' a long, straight chin suggestive of resolushun pushed t'th' len'th of obstinacy.
"Yuoo hed my nute-a?" he axed wif a deep harsh voice an' a strongly marked German accent. "I tuld yuoo thet I vuoold cell." He looked fum one t't'other of us, as eff'n unsartin which t'address.
"Pray snatch some seat," said Holmes. "Dis be my homey and colleague, Doc Watson, who be occasionally baaaad enough t'help me in mah' cases. Whom gots ah' de honour t'address?"
"Yuoo mey eddress me-a es zee Cuoont Fun Kremm, a Buhemeeun nublemun. I understund thet thees gentlemun, yuoor freeend, is a mun ooff hunur und deescreshun, vhum I mey troost veet a metter ooff zee must ixtreme-a impurtunce-a. Iff nut, I shuoold mooch preffer tu cummooneecete-a veet yuoo elune-a."
ah rose t'go, but Holmes caught me by th' wrist an' pushed me back into mah chair. "It be bod, o' none," said he. "You's may say befo'e dis gentleman nuthin which ya' may say t'me."
Th' Count shrugged his broad sh'ders. "Zeen I moost begeen," said he, "by beending yuoo but tu ebsuloote-a secrecy fur tvu yeers; et zee ind ooff thet teeme-a zee metter veell be-a ooff nu impurtunce-a. Et present it is nut tuu mooch tu sey thet it is ooff sooch veeeght it mey hefe-a un infflooence-a upun Ioorupeun heestury. Bork bork bork!"
"I promise," said Holmes.
"An' I."
"Yuoo veell ixcoose-a thees mesk," corntinued our peekoolyar visito'. "Zee oogoost persun vhu impluys me-a veeshes hees egent tu be-a unknoon tu yuoo, und I mey cunffess et oonce-a thet zee teetle-a by vheech I hefe-a joost celled myselff is nut ixectly my oovn. Bork bork bork!"
"I wuz aware uh it," said Holmes drily.
"Zee curcoomstunces ere-a ooff greet deleececy, und ifery precooshun hes tu be-a tekee tu qooench vhet meeght groo tu be-a un immense-a scundel und sereeuoosly cumprumeese-a oone-a ooff zee reeegning femeelies ooff Ioorupe-a. Tu speek pleeenly, zee metter impleecetes zee greet Huoose-a ooff Oormsteeen, heredeetery keengs ooff Buhemeea."
"I wuz also aware uh dat," murmured Holmes, settlin' hisse'f down in his armchair an' closin' his eyes.
Our visito' glanced wif some apparent surprise at th' languid, loungin' figger of th' man who had been no doubt depicked t'him as the dawgoned-est incisive reasoner an' most inergitic ajunt in Europe. Holmes slowly reopened his eyes an' looked impatiently at his gigannic client.
"If yo' Majesty would condescend t'state yo' case," he remarked, "I should be betta' able t'advise ya'."
Th' man sprang fum his chair an' paced up an' down th' room in uncontrollable agitashun. Then, wif a gesture of desperashun, he to'e th' max fum his face an' hurled it upon th' groun'. "Yuoo ere-a reeght," he cried; "I em zee Keeng. Vhy shuoold I ettempt tu cunceel it?"
"Why, indeed?" murmured Holmes. "Yo' Majesty had not rapped befo'e ah' wuz aware dat ah' wuz addressin' Wilhelm Gotstsreich Sigismond von Ormstein, Grand Duke uh Cassel-Felstein, and hereditary Kin' uh Bohemia."
"Boot yuoo cun understund," said our peekoolyar visito', sittin' down once mo'e an' passin' his han' on over his high white fo'ehaid, "yuoo cun understund thet I em nut eccoostumed tu dueeng sooch booseeness in my oovn persun. Bork bork bork! Yet zee metter ves su deleecete-a thet I cuoold nut cunffeede-a it tu un egent veethuoot pootteeng myselff in hees pooer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! I hefe-a cume-a incugneetu frum Pregooe-a fur zee poorpuse-a ooff cuns
oolteeng yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!"
"Den, pray consult," said Holmes, shettin' his eyes once mo'e.
"Zee fects ere-a breeeffly zeese-a: Sume-a feefe-a yeers egu, dooreeng a lengthy feesit tu Versev, I mede-a zee ecqooeeentunce-a ooff zee vellknoon edfentooress, Irene-a Edler. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Zee neme-a is nu duoobt femeelier tu yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!"
"Kindly look ha' up in mah' index, Docto'," murmured Holmes wifout openin' his eyes. Fo' menny years he had adopped a system of docketin' all pareegraphs corncernin' min an' thin's, so thet it was difficult t'name a subjeck o' a varmint on which he c'd not at once furnish info'mashun. In this hyar case ah foun' her biography san'wiched in between thet of a Hebrew rabbi an' thet of a staff-comman'er who had writ a monograph upon th' deep-sea fishes.
"Let me see! Right on!" said Holmes. "Hum! Right on! Bo'n in New Jersey in de year 1858. Contralto--hum! Right on! La Scala, hum! Right on! Prima donna Impuh'ial Opuh' uh Warsaw--yes! Right on! Retired fum opuh'tic stage--ha! Right on! Livin' in London--quite so! Right on! Yo' Majesty, as ah' dig it, became entangled wid dis yung sucka', wrote ha' some compromisin' letters, and be now desirous uh gettin' dose letters back. Ya' know?"
"Preceesely su. Boot hoo--"
"Wuz dere some secret marriage?"
"Nune-a."
"No legal sheets o' certificates?"
"Nune-a."
"Den ah' fail
A Bohemian Mess: Sherlock Holmes Mystery Page 2
