by Del Howison
—Lucretius, De Rerum Natura
Variety is the spice of life, and we don’t just mean sexually (although that isn’t a bad idea either). We mean you need to mix it up, get out, go places, and see things. But you are dating a vampire, and that does affect the type of dates the two of you can go on.
Going out to dinner at a restaurant is usually a traditional option for run-of-the-mill, human-to-human dates. But given a vampire’s dietary needs, this usually safe choice of venue becomes a bit more complicated. Dining out is all right, but you need to carefully consider your date location. For example, a nice restaurant often has a dark and moody atmosphere. That should, at the very least, make him feel a little more secure than, say, a brightly lit skating rink in midtown Manhattan would.
Generally, vampires have no interest in restaurants, though some do evidence a small interest in gastronomy and may have fond memories of cuisine related to their country of origin. Dining out, to a vampire, takes on a very different meaning within their unique cultural and biological context. Some may enjoy the people-watching aspect of this sort of date, but if you truly want a shared experience, obviously dining out should not be your first choice. You are essentially inviting your prospective mate to an event where they cannot be a participant, and are only spectators. Until you and your mate are closer and you are able to discern whether accompanying you while you eat is something they might enjoy, it is best to endeavor to find activities that you can both appreciate.
Many older vampires have made an effort to blend into human society and are more comfortable in restaurants. Transeo, in particular, are extremely skilled at mimicking the act of eating as a human does, passing even under the most intense scrutiny. All of our Transeo friends and associates usually possess flawless table manners and dining etiquette that would put etiquette expert Letitia Baldrige to shame. For most younger vampires, however, the scent of food cooking, especially heavier, more savory dishes, can be nausea inducing. If your vampire has been turned within the last few decades, it is not wise to invite him or her to a restaurant at all. The social discomfort combined with the physical discomfort is a recipe for disaster.
In general, vampires feed alone. They prefer solitude during the hunt, as it is both a sensual and necessary process, and the presence of a human during the hunt is almost certainly both dangerous and indiscreet. This changes if they are planning on passing on their condition to a human. In this case, they usually bring their protégé along with them for the purposes of instruction and elucidation. Occasionally, however, a vampire will bring a human mate along on a hunt as part of a deeper bonding experience and as a way to establish trust and a more profound understanding. This is very meaningful, but it can be incredibly shocking for the human. Whatever your preconceived romantic notions may be about vampires feeding, it is in reality a brutal act and is not something that many humans can witness without being shaken to the core.
The really basic questions to ask yourself here are: (a) Are we going out at night? In most cases the answer will be yes; (b) Will he feel secure where we are going? A darkened restaurant can feel as secure as a large crowd event. Just plan out your seating, keeping comfort and convenient exits in mind; (c) Are his thoughts going to be on me or his next feeding? When did he last feed and will the other people at the venue become a distraction to him? A little common sense can go a long way toward making your nights out together pleasing and worthwhile. Plan ahead and you really should not have any trouble.
Should I Be Talkative or Deadly Silent?
A well bred woman may easily and effectually promote the most useful and elegant conversation without speaking a word. The modes of speech are scarcely more variable than the modes of silence.
—Tom Blair
Think of conversation as a pendulum. It swings in two directions, back and forth, to and fro. The extreme end of a swing in either direction is too extreme. Talking too much or not talking at all are both wrong ways to approach your vampire. This is, in many ways, no different from dating humans. Think about it. How would you like someone you meet for the first time to behave? Do you want to have to draw conversation out of them, or would you like them to dominate every moment with talking? Your answer is probably neither.
Listen to yourself in the conversation. If you feel you are over-talking (a good indication is the use of a lot of run-on sentences and double-talk, or a sudden lack of input from him) just stop, take a break, and very politely excuse yourself for a moment. You can always use the powder room as a reason to break away. When you return, it will be like a fresh start. You do not want him to see you suffer from what is referred to as “The Oprah Complex” or the “ICARE Complex,” which stands for:
Inclusion You are talking too much because you need someone to talk to and want to be included in every person’s plan. The stench of desperation will follow you around the room.
Control You are talking too much because you want someone to do something for you. But he’s not ready, yet, for you to ask him for a favor.
Affection You are talking too much because you want everyone to know that you care. Let your natural conversation show that instead of pushing.
Relaxation You are talking too much because talking allows you to relax and unwind. The problem is that it may make everybody else around you nervous and uptight.
Escape You are talking too much because you’re trying to put off something else you should be doing. Go do it and quit making a fool of yourself.
Vampires have as many different personalities as humans do. They were once people. Not every human will like the same thing. Not every vampire will like the same thing. But there are general rules of thumb to fall back upon when you are unsure of your demeanor. Most people who talk too much do so because they are nervous or ill at ease. This is normal for the first time you actually meet your vampire. You will be in a new and very uncomfortable situation and are bound to be a little nervous. Take a moment before you speak. Remember that he will almost always be attracted to the same thing you are: someone who is confident and self-assured.
When you first meet someone, be it a vampire, human, or anyone else, it is a good idea to avoid conversing about certain topics altogether, namely politics, religion, and personal finance. The latter is rough terrain and best avoided. Vampires, due to their extended lifespans, are generally very well-off. You absolutely do not want to give the impression that you are a gold digger or grave digger, as such opportunists are known in vampire parlance. The first two can very easily become points of contention, even under the best of circumstances. Politics and religion are naturally heated topics that people, and vampires, can be very passionate and emotional about, and it is easy to butt heads very quickly over religious concepts or political points of view.
Contrary to many self-help manuals, you really should not spend any time preparing or figuring out ahead of time what it is you want to say. Your conversation will end up coming out stilted and you will feel a little foolish. Instead, stay cool and just listen. After your introduction to him, listen to what the vampire says first. Follow his thoughts as a lead-in to the conversation. Let your natural personality come forward and trust yourself. Please, no bobbing your head and agreeing with every word like an airhead. When it is appropriate, show him that you have your own interests and that you keep up with current events. Over time, and as he listens to your responses, his natural interests will come forth and so will yours. It is only when you find out who the real vampire is inside that he will become truly attractive. This will work the same way for him.
It is considered to be in extremely poor taste to inquire about the events surrounding a vampire’s turning, and this is something that they generally do not discuss with someone at all until they feel as though they can trust the person implicitly. It is not that the tale of their turning is some sort of Achilles’ heel that exposes an exploitable vulnerability; it is simply a deeply personal subject for most vampires, and not something to be broached lightly. It
can be kind of like talking to your grandfather about the war.
Death is a difficult subject for humans to discuss, and this is even truer with vampires. Generally, talking about death either brings to mind the challenges and stigmas they face with regards to their dietary needs or conjures up memories of loved ones they have lost throughout the ages. Feelings about this are bad and bad.
To a lesser degree, avoid bringing up exes. Do you really want to hear tales that span centuries upon centuries about your date’s romances? Do you truly want to hear about his one night stand with a barbarian wench in Carthage or his liaison with an Olmec priestess? No matter how honest we think we want to be with prospective mates from the start, the truth of the matter is that some information is best divulged later in a relationship, if ever. He does not want to know about the experimenting you did in college or the ex that you dumped because he didn’t change the toilet paper roll when it was finished, and you don’t want to know about the wacky weekend your vampire beau spent cavorting with grape-besotted revelers before a Bacchus festival in 350 BC (trust us, you really don’t want to know).
To know when to communicate and when to stop is a one of the most important traits a person can cultivate within themselves. AMOC (Automated Mouth Overload Control) can become deadly if it is faulty. It can stop your future plans before they even get started. Take a good look at yourself and see if you may need to practice restraint.
Je Ne Sais Quoi: Adding a Little Mystery to Your Humanity
Now comes the mystery.
—Henry Ward Beecher, last words, March 8, 1887
Mystery is a very important element in any scheme of dating, but it is more so when you are dating somebody who has seen it all and done it all. When you see those gifts or advertisements that state “for the man who has everything,” they are really talking about your vampire. Remember that even in a human-to-human relationship, playing games is a bad idea, but when you attempt to play relationship games with a vampire, it could be deadly. It’s unlikely that conventional romance games and petty manipulations will go unnoticed, and it’s extremely unlikely that they will work.
To create intrigue or mystery in his eyes and stir up your dating life is going to take a massive effort on your part and require all of your wiles. It is difficult for a human to put on an air of drama and inscrutability that will effectively intrigue a vampire. The mystery that you would want to truly cultivate cannot be full of false airs and melodramatics. Your beauty lies within your humanity. It is the one thing he does not posses, and being genuine and down-to-earth will score you far more points than falsities will. You are going to have to work much harder than you did in meeting him, because what you are trying to do now is set him up for the long run. Nobody is going to stick around for decades with someone who bores them. Mystery is never boring.
While it is believed that Pierre Choderlos de Laclos’s epistolary novel Les Liaisons Dangereuses is a work of fiction written to expose the decadence and perversity of France’s ancien régime, it is actually a story rooted in truth. It is loosely based on letters that illustrated some of the complex emotional puppetry of a Tombeur called, at the time, by the name of the Marquise de Louvel. She was a noblesse de robe by way of purchased title and, secretly, a vampire that hailed from the time of Charlemagne. While the villain of de Laclos’s tale meets a poetically just social demise, her real-life counterpart not only survived, but prospered. De Louvel’s victims were, in reality, destroyed to a one, and when their suffering could no longer provide the Marquise with amusement, they were drained until death. Clearly, in such an unlevel romantic playing field, it is best not to play at all.
The phrase je ne sais quoi literally means “I don’t know what.” But most often it is used in terms of a quality, as in “I don’t know what it is about her, but she has something special.” What she has is je ne sais quoi, or the “it” factor. Some people are born with it, and some manufacture it. Since you cannot be born with enough mystery to intrigue a vampire, your job is to produce it, smother yourself with it, and make it look very natural, very real. It is a positive thing to have that mysterious something about you. It is an alluring factor that one finds hard to put into words. Some of you will not be able to cultivate it at all.
But how do you give yourself that unknown or indescribable quality that will really make him stop and take notice? It is actually a combination of things, all of which take patience and timing. You should also refer back to the chapter entitled “Should I Be Talkative or Deadly Silent?” (page 117). Couple your speech patterns with the way you look at him—flatter him with your eyes, but make it always seem as if you are keeping a secret about yourself or what you think of him. Always make him feel as if you are holding onto emotional information that he will have to work to get out of you. You are the secret itself, and he must never know everything about you.
Prowling Pompeii: How Much Do You Really Need to Know about His History?
As we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns —the ones we don’t know we don’t know.
—Donald H. Rumsfeld, Department of Defense news briefing
Let’s say you’re dating a guy who was not only in the Marines, but was stationed overseas in wartime. Do you grill him about his service record without knowing anything about either the Marines or the war? Or what if you’re dating a lovely lady who was a nurse that helped in the rescue and recovery efforts from the Indonesian tsunami. Do you grill her about all the bloody details while knowing absolutely nothing about either tsunamis or Indonesia, or do you do a little basic research on either or both before that comes up as dinner conversation?
Possessing a familiarity with your vampire’s heritage, their timeline, and the historical and cultural path that he or she has tread is not only useful but often vital if you want to have any hope of a lasting relationship or true understanding. Showing an interest in your vampire’s life and unlife shows that you care for them and that you are willing to take steps to bring the two of you closer. What experiences shaped this vampire? What occupations did he or she hold? Was your vampire a politician? Warrior? Homemaker? Teacher or philosopher? What societal caste did they belong to (this question seems irrelevant in our day and age, but was historically of utmost importance)? What were the gender expectations of their time? What were the pivotal historical events that they lived through, and how involved were they in these events? What experienced did they have during these vastly different periods of their existence? Take the time to learn about your vampire, and then research as much relevant historical and sociological background as you can.
The way you answer the questions above will have a lot to do with the way you will approach the question, How much do you really need to know about his history? In one respect, no one really likes to be questioned as if they are in the middle of a journalistic interview. Many times, people do not want to talk about atrocities they have witnessed, wars they have waged, or catastrophes that they experienced. But in a relationship, those things tend to come out over time, not only because you would naturally ask about them now and then, but also because it is cathartic and liberating to be able to share those things and get them off of your chest in a safe and loving environment.
Most vampires are extremely nostalgic about their human lives, even if they are loath to admit it. They have a deeply rooted sentimentality for a time when things were simpler for them; the complexities of life are rarely as tortuous as those of undeath. Vampires will also often harbor strong feelings, both positive and negative, about the many eras that they lived through and the countries that they stalked.
As we have said time and time again, most vampires have seen it all and have probably done it all. That does not mean that they don’t want to enjoy the energizing and beneficial properties that come from sharing a traumatic moment from their past with a loved one.
However, there are some don’ts here. Number one is do not interrogate him about past survival kills. Feel him out and do not push. And never remind him of the fact that you are not equals. Educating yourself about the times and places in which your vampire has existed can help you prevent any potentially uncomfortable faux pas and bungles that may be fatal to the relationship.
But be cautious: A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. Make sure that you do not go into this half-cocked. If you are going to delve into this level of research on your vampire, do it thoroughly, and beware of glibly tossing out historically inaccurate nonsense. You also need to be conscious of personal nuances. Are there bad memories attached to a particular time period? Purchasing a Qing Dynasty vase to decorate your new apartment will not impress a vampire that was defeated in the Battle of Ningyuan in 1626. Discussing the imprisonment of Mary Stuart may accidentally remind your vampire of a romance that ended poorly in 1567. Share his experiences and turn them around to so he begins to almost depend on you for emotional healing.
I Think He Can See Right through Me—Do I Need Make up?
Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.
—Helen Keller
In the Twilight series, created by Stephenie Meyer, 107-year-old sensitive, whiny, emo “teen” vampire Edward is the heartthrob who can read minds. In Twilight’s New Moon, there is a mind-reading vampire by the name of Aro. Count Dracula displayed telepathic and mind-control abilities. He could even hypnotize or mesmerize his victims.
True psychic vampires are said to possess and control great telepathic abilities. But does that mean they can actually mind reads? Can all vampires read minds? What exactly is mind-reading? Are mind-reading and telepathy the same thing?
Let us do a little definition delving here. Mind-control goes by a variety of names, such as brainwashing or thought reform. You do not have to be a vampire or have supernatural abilities to be able to succeed at mind-control. You just need a victim whom you are able to break down by any variety of means, such as sleep deprivation or solitary confinement. Once the victims mind is a clean slate, you can write anything on it that you would like.
